Sunday, February 18, 2007

I said "why did you cut your hair, it used to look so lovely"/ if looks could kill, I wouldn't be here today

We know it's our sworn and solemn duty to try and pick the bones out of events in the world of pop, but we're looking at the Britney Spears story and it's like a duck carcass - where do we start with all the bones?

In an extraordinary couple of days, Spears has managed to make Federline look like the most well-balanced of Preston's parents. If our understanding of the timeline is correct, it runs something like:

Britney checks into rehab
Britney checks out of rehab less than 24 hours later
Britney shaves her head
Britney gets a tattoo

Britney thinks, of all this, it's the head shaving that will make her Mum freak.

Although perhaps not, as momma hasn't been above feeding the problem herself, has she? An article in the OC Register this weekend about celeb-spotting maps suggests that Ma and daughter aren't above checking her status:

"Celebrities like being on the map," she tells you. "It's status – it's a sign of who's in and who's out. Once a car pulled up and a woman asked if Britney Spears was on the map – and I could see Britney in the back seat! It was her mother asking!"

The Reuters isn't sure what to make of the head-shaving - afraid that, rather than being a desperate act of a woman on the verge, it might be a hot new trend, it plumps for:
Britney Goes Bald in Stunning Makeover

Coming soon: "Britney dazzles in new 'strapped to a gurney' fashion" and "Red Carpet must-have: those plastic things to stop you biting clean through your own tongue."

The Syndney Morning Herald at least grasps there's something going wrong here, although isn't entirely sympathetic:
Hollywood's next car crash
Is Britney Spears the new Anna Nicole Smith?
Far be it from this column to go easy on the pampered princesses of Hollywood, but this is clearly a young woman in trouble, and someone must be blamed. Is it evidence of the evil influence of Disney? Of the music industry? Of Hollywood or Paris? Or should Britney cop the blame for her predicament, while she still can?

We're no fans of Disney, but we're not entirely sure it's fair to blame the Mouse for her total collapse years after she wore the plastic comedy ears for the last time, is it?

Britney's troubles might be a little more recent. Quoted in the Edmonton Sun, her most recent warm-body Isaac Cohen pointed a finger at some, uh, issues:
"It was clear she was not over her marriage. The first time she invited me to her home I saw her wedding dress hung on the wall in a glass box. As we made love that night it was like Kevin was in bed beside us. She had not even begun to move on with her life."

There can be little more off-putting than the idea of "Kevin in the bed with us" - the smell of pickled onions being eaten with fingers, the constant "dude, I think I writted a new rap tune, whaddya think, guys?" and, we'd imagine, toenail clipping on the duvet. No wonder it's all going to hell in a handbasket.

Even today's Sunday tabloid troika hasn't really got a clue what's going to happen next - normally they'd make something up, of course, but with such a careering, high-speed and directionless story, the News of the World is reduced to slapping up ABC's report on the haircut and shrugging with the rest of us.


3 comments:

karlt said...

I don't see what all the fuss is about. I've been shaving my head for about ten years, have several tattoos and I'm lovely.

Anonymous said...

I know ol' Britters has seriously jumped the shark recently, and I'm as dumb-founded by what she did as anyone else, but... why hasn't any of the coverage actually analysed her reasons for doing it? Is 'she's gone mental' really the only possible reason?

I can think of several others, myself, starting with Gail Porter's and Kylie's examples.

simon h b said...

Anon - it's a good point, and while the whole "getting married, annulling the marriage, marrying someone so idiotic as to be less a partnership more a cry for help, driving with the baby on a lap, flashing her Roger Mellie every ten minutes, having hair shaved off, befriending Paris Hilton, emerging from vomit-filled cars every ten minutes" lifestyle might equally be a sign of reacting badly to a medical diagnosis, it seems less likely.

Mind you, Gail Porter did also marry a useless bloke who pretended to be a musician, didn't she?

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