I said "why did you cut your hair, it used to look so lovely"/ if looks could kill, I wouldn't be here today
We know it's our sworn and solemn duty to try and pick the bones out of events in the world of pop, but we're looking at the Britney Spears story and it's like a duck carcass - where do we start with all the bones?
In an extraordinary couple of days, Spears has managed to make Federline look like the most well-balanced of Preston's parents. If our understanding of the timeline is correct, it runs something like:
Britney checks into rehab
Britney checks out of rehab less than 24 hours later
Britney shaves her head
Britney gets a tattoo
Britney thinks, of all this, it's the head shaving that will make her Mum freak.
Although perhaps not, as momma hasn't been above feeding the problem herself, has she? An article in the OC Register this weekend about celeb-spotting maps suggests that Ma and daughter aren't above checking her status:
The Reuters isn't sure what to make of the head-shaving - afraid that, rather than being a desperate act of a woman on the verge, it might be a hot new trend, it plumps for:
Coming soon: "Britney dazzles in new 'strapped to a gurney' fashion" and "Red Carpet must-have: those plastic things to stop you biting clean through your own tongue."
The Syndney Morning Herald at least grasps there's something going wrong here, although isn't entirely sympathetic:
Is Britney Spears the new Anna Nicole Smith?
Far be it from this column to go easy on the pampered princesses of Hollywood, but this is clearly a young woman in trouble, and someone must be blamed. Is it evidence of the evil influence of Disney? Of the music industry? Of Hollywood or Paris? Or should Britney cop the blame for her predicament, while she still can?
We're no fans of Disney, but we're not entirely sure it's fair to blame the Mouse for her total collapse years after she wore the plastic comedy ears for the last time, is it?
Britney's troubles might be a little more recent. Quoted in the Edmonton Sun, her most recent warm-body Isaac Cohen pointed a finger at some, uh, issues:
There can be little more off-putting than the idea of "Kevin in the bed with us" - the smell of pickled onions being eaten with fingers, the constant "dude, I think I writted a new rap tune, whaddya think, guys?" and, we'd imagine, toenail clipping on the duvet. No wonder it's all going to hell in a handbasket.
Even today's Sunday tabloid troika hasn't really got a clue what's going to happen next - normally they'd make something up, of course, but with such a careering, high-speed and directionless story, the News of the World is reduced to slapping up ABC's report on the haircut and shrugging with the rest of us.