Wednesday, April 25, 2007

We don't think that Queen Amerie is going to happen

This morning, Victoria Newton announces she's solved the problem of William Windsor's love life:

FOLLOWING his split from KATE MIDDLETON, I think I’ve found the perfect new girlfriend for PRINCE WILLIAM.

[...] But there’s only one man for her – Amerie’s clearly amorous for Wills.

“Prince William is hot!” she said. “If we hooked up I could meet the Queen. That’d be very interesting.”

'He's cute and I could meet the Queen' isn't quite the basis for a longstanding relationship, and, to be honest, doesn't really stand up the claim that "there's only one man for her", does it?

But how did you discover this potential new face at the Court of St James, Victoria? Have you been lining up potential young ladies and asking them if they'd be interested in a bunk-up with a well-connected but lightly-chinned chap?

Erm, no:
She told AXM mag

So, in effect, Victoria has been flicking through magazines looking for William's next love. And, erm, something to fill the yawning, cavernous gap that is the Bizarre column.


Anonymous said...

“If we hooked up I could meet the Queen. That’d be very interesting.”

I love the idea that it's worth going out with someone just so you could meet their mum.

I didn't actually know who this Middleton lass was until quite recently because... well because I couldn't give a flying fuck what goes on in the lives of the beneficiaries of a medieval inherited monarchy. They don't deserve headlines any more than the chap down the street from me who likes to eat chips with mayonnaise instead of Daddies. That being said, personally I hope (and I've nothing against the people themselves who are, in a strange sort of way, innocent victims of their own unwarranted success) that William does find love... possibly in the shape of Victoria Newton. That way we could possibly be rid of this pox upon modern media. Of course, she'd be replaced within minutes by an equally irritating face-to-represent-the-nothingness but those minutes sure would be good. (As a matter of fact I don't think I've ever read her "column" outside of this blog but Simon's reading of this sort of thing is alway entertaining enough for me to show a little interest!)

simon h b said...

Anon - I fear you're right; there's a lesson from history here. When Emma Jones was deposed as editor of Smash Hits, she was replaced by Kate Thornton. God knows where a downward spiral caused by Victoria Newton moving on - whether into the arms of Billy Windsor or elsewhere - but there are some portals you just don't want to have opened, aren't there?

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