Saturday, June 30, 2007

Akon gives kids sex packs

James P emails us with details of Akon's latest slip-up. Here's what he has to say:

Had to pass this story on, thought you'd like it; Remember a few weeks ago,
Akon was filmed dry-humping a 14 year-old girl onstage? And then a few weeks
later Akon was accused of pulling a 15-year-old boy onstage and hurling him
into the crowd, injuring another woman? Well, it looks like Akon's managed
to stay out of trouble since then. Sort of.

Parents have expresed their disgust, shock and other tabloid-friendly
parental emotions over a concert held in Chicago recently, with headline
acts including Akon. The concert attracted a mainly teenage and pre-teen
crowd. Parents brought their children along to see a family-friendly pop
concert and enjoy all the fun which came with it. So some people were
surprised when dancers onstage started handing out goody-bags to children
containing, erm, free condoms, adult-shop catalogues and 'sex coupons'.

Whoops.

The promotions manager responsible claimed members of staff 'Mistakenly
grabbed the bags containing the condoms, which were identical to bags meant
for the B96 concert, which included T-shirts and dance music CDs'. Yes, that
explains it.

When I first heard about Akon's child-dry-humping antics, I was fairly
appalled. The follow-up boy-flinging episode wasn't too good either. But
with this third incident, in which children at an Akon concert are supplied
with explicit pictures and sex-aids, it's finally dawned on me; Akon is
resurrecting the traditional British farce.

All the elements are there; The hapless protagonist, the series of
unfortunate misunderstandings, the very public climax, the lot. In his
biopic, I'm sure his manager will be played by Lee Evans, who will spend the
film stumbling into dressing rooms and stammering "Um, Akon, hi, erm...
You're not gonna believe this, but... That girl? Yep, it was another
child..." I'm fairly certain this latest incident, in which a load of porn
is picked up instead of a pile of t-shirts in an identical bag, was lifted
straight from an episode of Terry and June. I can picture Akon now, coming
offstage after his performance, saying "Phew! A whole set in front of an
audience of pre-teen fans, and absolutely no accidental dry-humps or
assaults! I managed to avoid any minor-bothering mishaps the whole time!
This calls for a bag of sweets!" before his manager pulls him aside and
explains that the audience have each been mistakenly given a bumper bag of
scud. Five quid says his next album is titled '...With Hilarious
Consequences'.

Next week Akon plays a church fete and, in an attempt to improve the vicar's
rendition of 'Toccata and Fugue' accidentally feeds him the wrong sort of
'organ enhancement' pills.


We're having visions of angry mothers grabbing Akon backstage:

Mom: You gave my daughter a voucher for a sex shop
Akon: Yeah... is there a problem?
Mom: She's only eleven
Akon: Oh... I see why you're upset. But don't worry... there's no expiration date on the coupon, so can keep it until she hits puberty...


6 comments:

Chris Brown said...

Would now be a good time to mention this Languagehat post about his name?

http://www.languagehat.com/archives/002790.php

PS. The first three letters of my verification word are "ped"

Anonymous said...

you guys are dumb as hell. he didn't know the girl was 15. SHE WASN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE THERE! verizon is stupid. it would have never happened if the parents wouldn't have let her go. 15!! going to a dam club. she should be charged and so should the club. DUMBASS

simon h b said...

Anonymous: we might be dumb as hell - the results should be back sometime next week, and then we'll know for sure - but... erm, this is the post about him giving free dildo vouchers to teenagers, not the one about him dry-humping a child onstage.

However, if it was: "honest, she looked older." Not very convincing in any circumstances, is it?

bard s said...

she's 14,wow she looked like a 18 year old though-and she's was'ant ment to be their in the first place-so you realy cant blam akon.
plus-he did't atcualy hump her.


ps that girl was a ho.

simon h b said...

Bard - I think that any value your explanation may have had (and, to be honest, there wasn't any) would have been destroyed by your description of a fourteen year old child as a "ho", which proves you to be an idiot.

Eunice Maggie said...

Wow. How was Akon suppose to know that girl was 14 years old? She probably lied about her age to tell her friends that she messed around with Akon. You guys need to start asking kids/anyone for their actual ID. I can't believe how messed up the Lower 48 is! I mean, COME ON! GET THE INFO RIGHT!
Bard: Explain what exactly what a "ho" is. To me, THE Alaskan Native, it some stupid word some one made up!!
Can't you tell when some one is a young blood at all? I know I can!

Later!

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