Akon gives kids sex packs

James P emails us with details of Akon's latest slip-up. Here's what he has to say:

Had to pass this story on, thought you'd like it; Remember a few weeks ago,
Akon was filmed dry-humping a 14 year-old girl onstage? And then a few weeks
later Akon was accused of pulling a 15-year-old boy onstage and hurling him
into the crowd, injuring another woman? Well, it looks like Akon's managed
to stay out of trouble since then. Sort of.

Parents have expresed their disgust, shock and other tabloid-friendly
parental emotions over a concert held in Chicago recently, with headline
acts including Akon. The concert attracted a mainly teenage and pre-teen
crowd. Parents brought their children along to see a family-friendly pop
concert and enjoy all the fun which came with it. So some people were
surprised when dancers onstage started handing out goody-bags to children
containing, erm, free condoms, adult-shop catalogues and 'sex coupons'.

Whoops.

The promotions manager responsible claimed members of staff 'Mistakenly
grabbed the bags containing the condoms, which were identical to bags meant
for the B96 concert, which included T-shirts and dance music CDs'. Yes, that
explains it.

When I first heard about Akon's child-dry-humping antics, I was fairly
appalled. The follow-up boy-flinging episode wasn't too good either. But
with this third incident, in which children at an Akon concert are supplied
with explicit pictures and sex-aids, it's finally dawned on me; Akon is
resurrecting the traditional British farce.

All the elements are there; The hapless protagonist, the series of
unfortunate misunderstandings, the very public climax, the lot. In his
biopic, I'm sure his manager will be played by Lee Evans, who will spend the
film stumbling into dressing rooms and stammering "Um, Akon, hi, erm...
You're not gonna believe this, but... That girl? Yep, it was another
child..." I'm fairly certain this latest incident, in which a load of porn
is picked up instead of a pile of t-shirts in an identical bag, was lifted
straight from an episode of Terry and June. I can picture Akon now, coming
offstage after his performance, saying "Phew! A whole set in front of an
audience of pre-teen fans, and absolutely no accidental dry-humps or
assaults! I managed to avoid any minor-bothering mishaps the whole time!
This calls for a bag of sweets!" before his manager pulls him aside and
explains that the audience have each been mistakenly given a bumper bag of
scud. Five quid says his next album is titled '...With Hilarious
Consequences'.

Next week Akon plays a church fete and, in an attempt to improve the vicar's
rendition of 'Toccata and Fugue' accidentally feeds him the wrong sort of
'organ enhancement' pills.

We're having visions of angry mothers grabbing Akon backstage:

Mom: You gave my daughter a voucher for a sex shop
Akon: Yeah... is there a problem?
Mom: She's only eleven
Akon: Oh... I see why you're upset. But don't worry... there's no expiration date on the coupon, so can keep it until she hits puberty...

Beckham buys dildo. Possibly.

Excitement in LA, as Victoria Beckham goes to a sex shop. An eyewitness, or at least, a bloke with a camera, tells all:

"Victoria was in the store for about 45-minutes taking a good look around.

"She couldn't stop giggling."

And was Victoria out looking for a cock-shaped hunk of whirring, vibrating plastic, or was David back in Spain playing football?

No, this, it seems, is just an attempt to try and interest a fly on the wall:

She was joined by a camera crew who were filming for the star's forthcoming Stateside reality show.

Oh. We thought that this had been canned already, hadn't it? Please tell us that she's not filming it anyway with the vain hope of flogging it to someone later?

Later in the day, there was another dull set-up designed to do little more than fill airtime?

Her security team took a blow-up doll that resembled Posh for a drive round the city before stopping at a jewellery store.

As snappers clamoured to get a shot of Mrs B, her minders opened the car door and pulled out the effigy, complete with trademark sunglasses and a blonde wig.

Eh? But since when did Beckham have "trademark" blonde hair? Besides, unless they'd not fully inflated her it'd be easy to tell the difference.

Still, it amused Victoria Newton:

The joke - which will also be featured on Victoria’s show - proves to the critics she can laugh at herself.

Well, if it counts for anything, we'd probably count as a critic, and, no, it doesn't "prove" anything of the sort - and it's barely even a joke. It's a lame prank that sounds like it was dreamed up by a director desperate to have something to film.