Someone - oddly, there's no byline - seems to have spent Glastonbury following Kate Moss and Pete Doherty around, detailing their doings - being blocked from going to watch the Arctic Monkeys at the side of the stage (the paper suggests this was 'keeping out the riff-raff', but they let The View get a good view); checking their faces were "straight"; locking Babyshambles out their bus so they could have what the paper is too coy to call sex; and having some sort of falling-out with the Klaxons.
Apparently, Jacqui Doherty was there to watch - the band, rather than the sex and fighting, we presume, and she was pressed for her views on her son:
Ooh, that's good news, Jacqui - it sounds like you might get a second book out of him.
Still, that's not the big news from Somerset, it seems. Oh no, it's apparently that it was the year of the catsuit. There were a whole two of them:
Pixie is young enough to get away with her skintight togs, but how she managed to go to the muddy loos in that thing is beyond me.
Meanwhile, trendy Brazilian singer Lovefoxxx’s get-up was even more complex.
We love that slightly sneery "trendy Brazilian singer", as if someone running a non-story as an excuse to run a photo of Bob Geldof's daughter in a one-piece is able to take moral high ground.
Trouble is, Geldof wasn't even wearing a catsuit - all catsuits are one-pieces, but not all one-pieces are catsuits.
Oddly, the Sun misses the biggest story of the weekend. As the Mirror reports, Shirley Bassey's appearance was nearly her last, as her helicopter home was forced to make an emergency landing in Surrey as it lost power:
The shaken pilot emerged to ask locals: "Where am I?"
"He apologised for scaring them before admitting: "That was terrifying.
"I was losing power and the mist was so thick I couldn't see where I was going.
"I've got a special passenger. We have had an almighty let off. Thank God."
Locals then watched gobsmacked as Dame Shirley Bassey clambered from the chopper in wellingtons.
She said: "We are so sorry to have bothered you. May I please use someone's toilet? And a cup of tea would go down a treat."
Can someone be double-dame'ed?
Less successfully, the 3AM Girls abandon gossip-hounding for reviewing:
The loveable rocker karate kicked and strutted through hits including I Predict A Riot. The highlight was Oh My God when the crowd was jumping with him.
Bless them; this is the sort of thing you read in thank-you letters stuck on Tesco walls after they've hosted a school trip: "We saw the men making the bread. My favourite bit was when they sliced the loaf. It was exciting!"
There's a special section on the festival on the Mirror website, where you can still read their cast-iron prediction of a Libertines reunion:
Perhaps it was just very, very secret.