Darkness at 3AM: Updated

So, while we were showering, the 3AM Page was updated: it's not entirely helpful:

GOSSIP GONE TOXIC GIRLS ALOUD STAR LAYS DOWN FIVE LAWS TO KEEP CHEATING CASHLEY'S ROVING EYE IN CHECK

AMY'S NO VILLAIN
GOSSIP GONE TOXIC

AMELLE FLEES ENEMIES
GOSSIP GONE TOXIC

BIG 'N JOLIE
GOSSIP GONE TOXIC

The Simple Life star
GOSSIP GONE TOXIC

clocked
GOSSIP GONE TOXIC

That's... informative. Especially the item "The Simple Life star".

Are they sure about this 'gossip gone toxic' strapline? I know it's meant to suggest a gossip column which has got no mercy, but it makes it sound like a tub of cheese spread that's been sat at the back of the fridge with the lid off.

The Winehouse story here is that, erm, NME have nominated her for villain of the year:

Mitch was livid when he heard about the nomination, just days after his daughter was admitted to rehab.

He told us: "That's stupid. There are more important things to be worrying about."

... apparently worrying about it. But isn't the idea to stop Winehouse looking cool for doing drucks, and wouldn't booing be better than cheering under those circumstances?

The new 3AMies also chew away at the Cole -Tweedy story, offering little more than a giggle at Ashley's cock:

The stunning singer told the midget (in all departments, apparently) that he has to...

The 3AM Girls then detail a supposed "five point plan" that Ashley has to stick to if he wants to remain in OK! ma... sorry, in a relationship with Cheryl. Oddly, "not fucking the sort of woman who will sell the story to the papers" isn't one of them.

And who has been "clocked", then?

Arctic Monkeys proving they've gone up in the world by swapping Sheffield Travel Lodge for The Dorchester

But why would they have stayed at the Travelodge in their home town?