Gordon in the morning: Cheryl Cole on the dog and bones

The Bizarre lead this morning - filed, of course, by someone other than Gordon - is a report from Cheryl Cole's head-clearing holiday. There's some two-faced worrying over her weight - the photo library struggling to find a 'before' photo where she had much more flesh on her bones - before we get to eavesdrop on a call:

Last night a fellow guest at her resort called The Sun and revealed how she heard the anguished star tell a pal in a phone call: “Don’t treat me like a victim. I’m not a fucking victim, I’m a grown woman.

“People email me, ‘Poor you, poor thing’. Fuck.

“How can I trust my fella again? He’s damaged goods. I knew something was wrong when I confronted him about some woman and he made up some shitty excuse rather than deny it outright.”

This is rather an elaborate piece of eavesdropping, isn't it? It looks more like a transcript taken down by someone with shorthand - why, you couldn't get a more full quote if you'd bugged her phone, could you?

That this isn't actually a holidaymaker is made even more apparent by what comes next:

The holidaymaker said: “Cheryl is clearly devastated — she looked stick thin. That bastard Ashley Cole has a lot to answer for.”

Diligent shorthand and talks in tabloidese. Curious.

Gordon himself, meanwhile, worries about Agyness Deyn:

I THOUGHT model AGYNESS DEYN was trying too hard to be cool in pink shades at night as she trekked east from the Elle awards to party in Shoreditch.

But just when I was secretly hoping she would walk into a lamppost I found out the poor thing has a nasty eye infection.

And yesterday she had to wear an eye patch on pal HENRY HOLLAND’s catwalk at The Village Underground, also in the East End.

Oh. Righto. Is the story here 'woman has eye infection' or 'sort-of-journalist mistakes medical aid for attempt to be cool'? But if it's either of them, it's not entirely clear why this would be in a newspaper - as second item, mark you.

There's another piece today on the other Blake, as Gordon continues to chew at that one, trumpeting this morning:

AMY WINEHOUSE’s jailbird husband BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL will be spitting porridge when he hears about this.

... he hopes.