Gordon in the morning: Rehab gives you breasts

We suppose you can hardly blame Gordon Smart for, once again, breaking the promise to leave Amy Winehouse alone to get well as her record company did get her off to the American embassy yesterday. Still, it gives Gordon an excuse to do what he does best - slightly awkward perving:

IT’S chest what we all wanted to see – AMY WINEHOUSE looking almost back to her best.
[...]
The star’s boobs were on full show for her meeting with the Embassy suits . . . well, I suppose it can’t do any harm.

Yes, that'd work. "Sorry, Ms Winehouse, but you've been filmed using crack and have paid a fine to a foreign government for drug... [glances up, that music Carry On films use when Sid James sees Barbara Windsor in a short skirt plays] ... no, Miss... uh... ooh, have indefinite leave to remain..." Because that's what US immigration is like. It's virtually indistinguishable from Carry On Camping.

Closer magazine has got Javine to recreate the famous Richard Herring gig flier in which he's naked, holding his bulge - the same one Demi Moore copied (I'm pretty sure that was the order it happened in) and the same one that everyone who has been pregnant in the last ten years has done. In fact, it's been done so often, Gordon no longer feels the need to pretend that the shoot has anything to do with the miracle of impregnantion:

IT’S good nudes for pop star JAVINE as she poses naked just days before she is due to give birth.

Yes, it's just another naked woman. We hope Gordon is seeing it just another naked woman and not one of those subsection of men imagined in Dworkin's Pornography: Men Possessing Women who get off on naked pictures of women because it represents a woman's body somehow 'colonised' by sperm.

Nah, Gordon just likes the flesh: he's also excited by a photo of Angelina Jolie's naked back, which gets him all flustered, and offering advice to James McAvoy:

If I was James, I would have that picture tattooed on my arm to show everyone I met.

Yes. That's a normal reaction to seeing a picture of a pretty woman.

We're not sure Gordon read his copy here, though - perhaps he was too busy drawing a picture of breasts on his elbow:

HERE’S ANGELINA JOLIE looking ink-redible in her new blockbuster Wanted.

BRAD PITT’s girlfriend is no stranger to the tattoo parlour.

But for her role as aptly named assassin Fox in the action flick, she’s had a few temporary ones added to the centre of her back.

We know what he thinks he's saying, but he has just claimed that some temporary tattoo parlours have opened on Joile's spine, hasn't he? Let's hope they're properly licensed.

Smart does have a good, solid story this morning, which we shall turn to in a moment.