Darkness at 3AM: It's made up, you know

The 3AM Girls lead with the Emma Watson story - although they seem to think he's called Joel, whereas Gordon insists he's Jay.

Their story does contain one of those heart-sinking phrases, up there with the New Statesman's "come in, Sir Geoffrey's on sparkling form":

At one point, Alfie Allen tried to chat with them

The 3Am Girls spend rather too long detailing the teenagers kissing - they're teenagers, they're having a fling, it's what teeenagers do - before worrying:

But we're not sure what Dumbledore would think about one of his star pupils staying over with her fella in a hotel.

Probably nothing, what with him being a fictional character and Emma Watson not actually being Hermione Granger. She pretends. It's almost as if the 3AM Girls can't tell the difference between something made-up and something that actually happens.

The piece ends with a hint of desperation:

If you know Joel, give us a call - 020 7293 3950

It's not clear exactly how many pieces of silver are on offer.