Gordon in the morning: Cole says no

So, it's back again this morning to the steaming remains of the Cole-Tweedy marriage, with Richard White claiming an exclusive:

Cheating Ashley gets a sex ban

Not that unexpected, surely? It's not like Cheryl's going to allow him to go out carousing... oh, you mean with her:

A pal of the couple said: “Cheryl has told Ashley there will be no sex in their house for at least six months and although he’s going to find it incredibly hard he agreed to her terms.

“She wants Ashley to appreciate her and realise what he has got. But he’s a red blooded fella and it’s not going to be easy.”

Hmm. Either this story is true - in which case Cheryl might have made a bit of a strategic error (are you really going to stop someone raiding the cookie jar by telling them they can't have chips for six months?) - or else it's being run in Gordon Smart's column.

Emma Watson is dating a man who apparently describes himself as "a nobody" (in other words, he has a job which actually has a definable function) which prompts Gordon to flick back through Watson's past:

Emma – who has previously been linked to RAZORLIGHT singer JOHNNY BORRELL and co-star DANIEL RADCLIFFE...

That's "linked" in the sense of "peopled decided she was having a relationship with", though, isn't it? And the Borrell "linkage" existed nowhere outside of your own column, Gordon. Surely, you of all people must know not to believe anything that appears on your page?

Still, he does manage to land one on-target this morning - after running bits from Madonna's interview for Dazed and Confused and her fretting about onstage anxiety. Gordon suddenly perks up:

Nothing an ice cold glass of Kabbalah water can’t sort out though, eh?

Careful, Gordon: you're almost sounding cynical.