Gordon in the morning: Kylie sniffs the Stars and Stripes

A perfectly workmanlike piece from the awkwardly-suited one today, reporting Kylie's latest attempt to crack America.

Supposedly, Robbie 'not that he'd be eaten up with jealousy or anything' Williams has been trying to warn her off:

A source revealed: “Kylie has spoken about it with Robbie. He told her he loves being largely unknown when he’s at home in the States, while cash rolls in from the rest of the world.

“Robbie thinks she should keep the US as a place she can go to escape the spotlight. But Kylie doesn’t agree and has decided on one final push.”

Unfortunately, merely typing the words 'Robbie Williams' distracts Smart, who spends the last quarter of the article running through the David Icke/UFOs stories again. In fact, he even forgets to reach any conclusion about Kylie at all.

Meanwhile, the quality of headlines hits a new low this morning. That picture of Paul McCartney and Nancy Shevell on the beach?

I do like divorcee by the seaside

It doesn't even scan.

Now that Heather Mills is firmly outside the McCartney organisation, the Sun has hardened its stance against her. Out goes "Mucca" and coy references to "her porn past", now she's:

ex-porn model Heather Mills

Clearly, being a porn model is a bad thing. Erm, unless you enter one the Sun's repeated 'become a Page 3 girl' competitions, in which case being a porn model is a desirable career move.

Gordon also throws in another Amy Winehouse story, suggesting she wants to move house for the third time in a year. Which, erm, is quite odd for a recluse, isn't it?