Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Gordon in the morning: A sordid four-page fantasy

Regular readers of Gordon Smart's column will be familiar with Blake Fielder-Civil's plans to dump Amy Winehouse and run off with a "mystery blonde" who may or may not have turned out to be a brunette. So, they'll be slightly confused today to discover that, erm, actually, he's planning to dump Amy and run off with a different mystery blonde - or, in the words of Richard White, "Showbiz reporter":

AMY WINEHOUSE’s rat husband BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL is plotting drug-fuelled sex romps with a woman jailbird he has never even met.

Fielder-Civil has supposedly been sending sexy letters to Melissa Goldstone which have, somehow, got into the paper this morning:
In a note the 24-year-old received last month, he detailed a four-page fantasy so graphic most of it cannot be printed in a family newspaper.

Yes, you don't want to open a newspaper to read a journalist writing about a woman's tits only to be confronted with someone getting all sexual, do you? Presumably to save himself from feeling sexy-sexy-wrong, White concentrates on spelling and grammar:
The error-strewn message continued: “I squeeze your throat whilst your s****** me and I ask you if your a dirty b***h.” He then described a deeply disturbing sex fantasy before signing off: “At most we’ve got to wait ten weeks for the best snog of our lives!! Miss you Lissy, love and rockets, your Blakey x x x.”

We're at a lost how the paper can happily chat away about Blake throttling the woman during sex and then suddenly decide that the rest of the letter is too disturbing to share - perhaps he's going to ask her to beat him with a Daily Mirror.

Blake, it turns out, really isn't very bright:
Another time he wrote: “I’ve told Amy about you and read a bit of one of your letters. It turns her on and she wants to meet ya. I think she might write to you cuz she asked for your address."

Yes. Yes, we imagine she probably has.

Meanwhile, Pete Samson is reporting that Amy has stormed out of her clinic - the one the Sunday People was insisting that she wasn't going to leave until Blake was out:
A pal said: “We feared a taste of the outside would remind her what she’s missing and it would be hard to get her back into life at the clinic. That’s exactly what’s happened.”

Ah, yes, that slippery slope: a day out is the gateway drug to living outside.

Samson is alarmed. Or, rather, is having Winehouse's friends being alarmed on his behalf:
Friends now fear she may return to drugs

May? May? Come on, Samson, we can work up more alarm than that, can't we?
— if she hasn’t already.

Elsewhere on Gordon's Gordonless pages, yet-another-Cole-Tweedy story churns out, notable only for the byline:
By SUN REPORTER

Nobody even wants to put their name to the guff anymore, then.
ASHLEY COLE surprised his stunning wife CHERYL on her birthday by turning up unannounced to the X Factor auditions in Manchester.

And you can see why. The point of the story seems to be more about quashing a different story:
And the couple, who looked over the moon to have their marriage back on track, scotched yesterday’s reports that Cheryl had not been at his brother’s wedding over the weekend.

'Yesterday's reports' having appeared in the now-removed Gordon Smart's Bizarre page, but still on Google News, just:
Ashley is the sole Cole
The Sun, UK - Jun 29, 2008
By JOHN TROUP LOVE rat ASHLEY COLE turned up to his brother’s wedding alone – sparking fresh speculation over his marriage to CHERYL. ...

Interesting that The Sun was so ashamed of its error that it removed the page entirely rather than, say, merely correcting it.


1 comment:

Rachel Summers said...

Hey, Simon:

An earlier blog you made on the hypocrisy of the press regarding Ms. Winehouse (as well as my comment to it) has apparently caused offense to the Telegraph journalist (Helen Brown) you quoted and linked to--I use the term 'journalist' loosely since a) it's the Telegraph and b) she mailed _me_ to bitch about what we _both_ said. :p Check out your MySpace mail for more.

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