Gordon in the morning: We missed the signs

Under a grim-faced David Bailey portrait (commissioned by Q, apparently), Take That share their "guilt" over Robbie Williams as part of the narrative that's going to lead up to an unwanted reunion:

GARY BARLOW has admitted there was “a series of events we should have spotted” as Robbie went off the rails before quitting the band in 1995.

He added: “That’s my one regret. I missed the signs. I think we all did.”

Well, they were fairly subtle signs, weren't they Gary?

Gary added: “Rob would go to Dublin or somewhere and get off his head. Then he’d come home and say: ‘I haven’t slept for two days.’

“He didn’t want to go home and face his mum so he’d come to me first.

Yes, disappearing off for a two-day bender and being unable to face your family - you're not a professional psychologist, Gary - how could anyone think that might be a sign anything was wrong?

Mark, at least, seems to be having trouble taking this groundwork for the group hug entirely seriously:

MARK OWEN chipped in: “Sometimes we’d joke and say we wanted to be in OASIS. But he actually did want to be in Oasis. I feel a bit guilty now that I wasn’t mature enough to hear his cries.”

This man was saying he wanted to work for Noel Gallagher. How could we not know he was in pain?

Meanwhile, professional breast-shower and occasional failed pop star Jordan is sharing her views on criminal justice:

“The way I see it is an eye for an eye.

“So if someone rapes a girl he should be bent over and the same thing done to him. I’m sorry that’s just the way I feel. I’m very strict.”

“If someone is done for drink-driving they should have their licence taken away for life.

“And if someone steals they should have to wear a dye on their skin, like a tattoo on their ear or somewhere it can be seen – like across their face! That would stop people stealing.”

Boris Johnson is probably trying to sign her up for a knife crime initiative right now.

Sadly, Jordan doesn't reveal if, in her world, there would be one State rapist handing out justice through forced anal penetration, or if it would fall to someone from Group4 to do it. Perhaps her ideas aren't entirely thought through. Which, come to think of it, might explain why they're so offensively stupid.

Still, it's nice to see Jordan marching in step with some of the more extremist religious. Apart from the porn.

Oh - and what's this?

Lily's lesbian romp with twins

A headline which can mean only one thing. Lily Allen has a new record out.

: “I did once snog identical twins in San Diego.

“I was on the sofa and I had them both. I was dancing and shoving my arse on one of them.

“That’s the only time, but I have lesbian dreams a lot.”

Rubbing your arse on a twin isn't a "lesbian romp". It barely qualifies as dirty dancing, Lily.