Gordon in the morning: When friends fall out

But, as with the pressure on Ruth’s bra, something had to give.

Yes, Gordon is incapable of even reporting some sort of falling out between Alexandra Burke and Ruth Lorenzo over something or other without making reference to busts.

A source said: “Alex and Ruth are big characters and the fireworks were spectacular when they finally went off."

Perhaps he should stick to reporting-through-decolletage.

Gordon not only reports the upset, but also swings by with some psychoanalysis about the falling-out:

It’s pretty clear to me what’s going on here.

Ruth is struggling to handle Alex’s success. Alex is beginning to enjoy the trappings of her fame and Ruth is slipping towards z-list obscurity, which will boil inside her like a dodgy curry.

Alex is probably beginning to wonder why she was ever pals with the singing Spaniard.

Both of them, you might notice, are hoofing round the provinces playing to half-interested roomfuls of ITV viewers; it's not like either of them are being courted to do a Diet Coke ad, is it?

It's been a while since we've heard from Kasabian, but it was inevitable their return would be marked first by excitement in Gordon's column. Inevitable:

MIGHTY BOOSH star NOEL FIELDING is poised to take his party pals KASABIAN on a journey through time and space for their next single — after agreeing to ‘Boosh up’ the band for their new video.

Is it just me, or does that sound like a total mismatch? Like serving cheeseburgers from a Victorian soup tureen?

Aided and abetted by his art college mate DAVE BROWN — BOLLO the DJing ape in the cult BBC show — Fielding is already creating a surreal world for SERGE PIZZORNO, TOM MEIGHAN et al.

Gordon does know the names of the others. No, really, he does. They hang out together and everything.

He is even tinkering with groundbreaking 3-D effects — which sounds perfect for the Leicester lads’ tunes.

Does it? Really? Because it'll add an extra two dimensions that the music doesn't offer, do you mean?