Fielding a captain

To be fair to Gordon Smart, you'd have to admit you did read it in Bizarre first that Noel Fielding was to be a team captain on Buzzcocks.

And it turns out to be happening.

Gordon could bask in the glory. If only, erm, he'd not announced that Noel had been axed as a team captain before the announcement was made.

Gordon in the morning: When friends fall out

But, as with the pressure on Ruth’s bra, something had to give.

Yes, Gordon is incapable of even reporting some sort of falling out between Alexandra Burke and Ruth Lorenzo over something or other without making reference to busts.

A source said: “Alex and Ruth are big characters and the fireworks were spectacular when they finally went off."

Perhaps he should stick to reporting-through-decolletage.

Gordon not only reports the upset, but also swings by with some psychoanalysis about the falling-out:

It’s pretty clear to me what’s going on here.

Ruth is struggling to handle Alex’s success. Alex is beginning to enjoy the trappings of her fame and Ruth is slipping towards z-list obscurity, which will boil inside her like a dodgy curry.

Alex is probably beginning to wonder why she was ever pals with the singing Spaniard.

Both of them, you might notice, are hoofing round the provinces playing to half-interested roomfuls of ITV viewers; it's not like either of them are being courted to do a Diet Coke ad, is it?

It's been a while since we've heard from Kasabian, but it was inevitable their return would be marked first by excitement in Gordon's column. Inevitable:

MIGHTY BOOSH star NOEL FIELDING is poised to take his party pals KASABIAN on a journey through time and space for their next single — after agreeing to ‘Boosh up’ the band for their new video.

Is it just me, or does that sound like a total mismatch? Like serving cheeseburgers from a Victorian soup tureen?

Aided and abetted by his art college mate DAVE BROWN — BOLLO the DJing ape in the cult BBC show — Fielding is already creating a surreal world for SERGE PIZZORNO, TOM MEIGHAN et al.

Gordon does know the names of the others. No, really, he does. They hang out together and everything.

He is even tinkering with groundbreaking 3-D effects — which sounds perfect for the Leicester lads’ tunes.

Does it? Really? Because it'll add an extra two dimensions that the music doesn't offer, do you mean?

Gordon in the morning: Where the wild things aren't

You've fallen off the wagon. You've made yourself look a bit of knob by chasing a model younger than most of the whiskeys you drink. You've let down your wife. Your humiliation is public.

But the worst thing of all? Gordon Smart reveals that it's unlikely that Ronnie Wood will now appear in The Mighty Boosh's Christmas cash-in ("tie-in") book.

But it's clear that Gordon genuinely believes that this is a loss - the Boosh and the Stone were working on a retelling of Where The Wild Things Are, which gives him the chance to run through the plot of the story. You might think that summarising a children's book is money for old rope, but the story is probably the most complex thing that's appeared on Bizarre for months.

Projects that almost certainly will never see the light of day, number 479

Are Alice Cooper and the Mighty Boosh writing a musical together?

The NME says yes, they might be:

"I absolutely love Alice Cooper," Fielding is quoted as saying. "I wonder is he has ever considered writing an acid rock gothic musical. If we did one, would he co-star?"

And then Cooper delivers a "yes, that would be fun, wouldn't it?" style non-committal quote, which seems to be enough to convince everyone it's going to happen. Although who will be underwriting the costs isn't, exactly, clear.

Mind you, we'd love to see John Barrowman and Andrew Lloyd Webber judging the castings on Saturday night TV.

Gordon in the morning: And pigs might fly

The trouble with Gordon Smart's Bizarre is that it's hard to believe anything that appears in it. Take today's big spalsh, which appears to claim that Dave Gilmour offered a Pink Floyd Glasto appearance to Michael Eavis, and that Eavis turned him down. Smart rails against this:

Wish you were there, Floyd
[...]
It truly beggars belief.
[...]
This year’s lineup has led to the fest not selling out, something unthinkable over the event’s recent history.

He’s dangerously out of touch with a public – youngsters and all – who would have delighted in some Floyd action.

But when you read the article again, it's apparent that Gilmour didn't offer Floyd - just his own, slightly less-thrilling, solo set. Which is less of a draw than Pink Floyd proper.

And while Gordon is happy to pad out the article by his raging and out-of-touch belief that "young people" would turn up for a Gilmour gig, he doesn't mention when the offer was made. Presumably fairly recently, otherwise Smart would have fumed earlier. Possibly too late for the headline act to be changed anyway, even if the offer was genuine.

Not to mention that, time and again, it's been clear that the failure of Glasto to sell out had nothing to do with the three names on the Pyramid stage, and everything to do with the miserable experience offered by an overcrowded site in a muddy field.

More festival running order squabbles as Gordon insists that, in the teaser, that

MIGHTY BOOSH star Noel Fielding forced to ban The Kills from performing at festival

Really? But both the Boosh and Kills sites still lists The Kills as appearing.

It turns out, though, that once again Gordon's story is slightly weaker than it might appear:

THE MIGHTY BOOSH star NOEL FIELDING has been forced to ban THE KILLS from performing at his festival’s finale – to placate his girlfriend.

The comic has developed an intense friendship with The Kills’ ALISON MOSSHART.

But Noel’s partner DEE PLUME was so furious at their inclusion in the July 5 bash at The Hop Farm in Kent that she threatened to pull her band ROBOTS IN DISGUISE from the gig.

Ah, so The Kills haven't been banned from performing, only the singalong at the end. God, fancy that, eh, not being allowed to hang around for everyone else to finish to go on and take part in a clunky, Live Aid style finale.

Although, having "revealed" that the Kills won't be allowed to take part in the finale, Gordon then seems to forget the point of his own story:

All the bands are due to sing together at the end. That will be interesting.

Only, surely, if Mosshart and Plume are on stage together. Which, erm, Gordon has just insisted they won't be.

Gordon in the morning: Tell'em about the Honey Monster, Mummy

A few days after everyone else did the 'look, the new Sugar Puffs advert is a bit like something off the Mighty Boosh', Gordon catches up, claiming there's going to be legal action now that the Honey Monster is crimping.

Which would be a great story, if he had anything to back it up more than a folksy, off-the-record, possibly a quote or possibly not:

A source said: “A pal of the Mighty Boosh boys was lying in his pants watching daytime telly and saw the advert.

“He rang the Boosh and congratulated them on their work for Sugar Puffs.

“They were baffled and checked it out on the internet. They hadn’t been asked permission to use the style and are speaking to lawyers about getting the Honey Monster’s crimp removed from the airwaves.”

Indeed, so little does Smart have to back up the central claim of legal action that he's reduced to padding the piece out with stuff cut and paste from fans on the internet (Boosh fans, not Smart fans) rather than anything from Barratt or Fielding. Or someone with any legal knowledge.

You never got this with Jeremy The Bear.

Gordon slaps his own byline on some story about Lily Allen's supposed new romance, although he seems a little unsure about how far it's gone:

Lily moves in with a new man

LILY ALLEN is getting over her split from CHEMICAL BROTHERS DJ ED SIMONS — by dating ANOTHER musician.

Are they dating, or are they living together? Which is it, Gordon?

If only you had a source with some creepy insight into what happens in Robertson Furze's bedroom. Oh, you do:

“She moved in with him a few weeks ago and they have been sharing a bed. It started off innocently but they are doing more than just cuddling now.”

'A few weeks ago' - wasn't she still with Ed Simons a few weeks ago? And "it was innocent but it's not any more" - what does that actually mean? They're doing something evil?

The real oddity is that, with all the images of Ed Chemical that are available, Gordon chooses a long-lens, murky paparazzi shot of him to sit on the story - presumably this is meant to be an implication that it was a photo of Ed, last night, not laughing with Lily Allen.