Gordon in the morning: Runner-up in some sort of competition does something

In The Apprentice, you'll be aware, there ain't no second prize. Arguably, the arrangements made for the winner of the competition would suggest there's not really a first prize, either.

But what of the X Factor? What happens to the ballast in Simon Cowell's tanks?

Gordon has over-excited news:

Cowell's Ruthless

Hold on - that's a pun:

RUTH LORENZO has turned her back on mentor SIMON COWELL to sign a �1million deal with a rival record firm.

And only six months after not winning The X Factor. Talk about striking a little while after the metal was lukewarm.

Naturally, it's a million quid deal. They're always million pound deals, aren't they? Nobody ever signs a six-hundred thousand pound deal, even if you can only make it to seven figures by enthusiastic rounding-up and counting the costs of every muffin at every marketing meeting.

For all Smart's excitement, you'd have to guess that if Simon Cowell hasn't already forced Lorenzo into a strait-jacketed deal, it might be because he knows something EMI doesn't.

Gordon runs through some people who may or may not be lined up to work with her:

I’ve never been a massive fan of Ruth’s but Tyler, Slash and Santana are big potatoes on both sides of the Pond.

They're big potatoes? Presumably in the sense of "that's not small potatoes", but I'm not sure simply making the spuds larger turns them into something fabulous. Try it today - go in, see your boss, and tell him or her that you think they're an enormous tuber.

And from tubers to tubas, as Gordon has taken delivery of photos of Lily Allen and a man. Not knowing who the man is, Smart is reduced to describing the pictures:

The specs-wearing chum gave the songbird a delicate peck on the side of the head when she was looking glum.

Moments later she was grinning again as she fooled round with a little bugle.

That isn't, sadly, a euphemism. Or a euphonium, come to that.

Having drawn attention to the bugle, and unable to put a name to the man, where can Gordon go?

Lily has just announced a new eight-date UK tour for November.

I wonder if she’ll take an entire brass band on the road with her?

Really? You really wonder that, Gordon? You picture Smile with Harry Worth conducting, do you? Or is it merely that you can't really think of anything else to say about a photo of a woman mucking about by putting a small instrument on her head? If she'd put a flowerpot on her head, doubtless we'd be sat here pondering if she's ever thought of inviting Charlie Dimmock on tour with her.

What's that? Oh, yes... he had thought of that one... but:

Lily's got the horn

... naturally, he was keeping that for the headline.