Gordon in the morning: Swines and stripping

More on swine flu, then, as Oasis turn up in the wrong place at the wrong time - no, not the music scene anytime after 1998 in this case, but Venezuela in a time of mild crisis. (And it is only a mild concern there at the moment; most of the country's response to swine flu is about trying to cope with flights redirected from Mexico.)

Gordon, though, has the Mancunians in the very pit of health hell:

LIAM and NOEL GALLAGHER have been stuck indoors for a couple of days, only venturing out wearing surgical masks to protect their prized lungs from the potentially fatal virus.

Actually, since you ask, the team at The Sun have photoshopped face masks on to pictures of the Gallagher brothers wearing face masks.

On a more serious note, Oasis haven’t had much luck across the Pond over the years.

Noel said in a Q magazine interview that the band could have been bigger than THE BEATLES in America, but Liam threw their big chance away by being a yob.

Uh-oh. Noel's already suffering from delusions and hallucinations. Someone needs to get the Tamiflu to him.

Gordon seems unsure of how to play this story. Is it knockabout fun - with facemask photoshopping, or is it a serious threat to this nation's most precious lungs?

In the end, the punning wins out:

Just make sure you survive the virus floating about South America first, Liam.

Get some oinkment for your chest.

Oinkment? Because it's called swine flu? But why would putting ointment on your chest help you "survive a virus"?

Still, that's not the worst pun in the piece. Oh no.

Aye up mask kid ... Liam Gallagher gets the Biz mock-up treatment

No. Eye watering though that might be, even that isn't the worst one.

Prepare yourself:

Champagne pork-anova ... Noel as he might look in mask

Champagne porkanova?

Elsewhere, there's perhaps the least surprising celebrity statement ever:

JENNIFER ELLISON couldn’t care less if men get turned on by her sexy mag shoots – because she’s only in it for the money.

The busty pin-up admits she strips off for the pay cheques – and will continue to while she’s in demand.

Tim Nixon has filed this for Bizarre, apparently thinking we might have thought that Ellison was removing her bra for Nuts out of some sort of artistic impulse.