Given how excitedly Smart has been pushing the new Robbie Williams record, you might have thought that he'd already heard it. But it turns out he's only just heard it. Never mind, though, as Gordon is quick to calibrate his review to justify the heralding it as second coming:
And I reckon ROBBIE WILLIAMS's eighth album, Reality Killed The Video Star, is his best since 2002's Escapology.
Gordon is quick to show us how secure Robbie's system is:
I got my hands on a Press copy of Rob's new CD which he released under the pseudonym Luke Moody to defy internet pirates.
Right. Only Williams has happily been babbling on about how Luke Moody was his pseudonym for the album for weeks, and the picture of the review copy Smart publishes clearly bears the album's real title and tracklisting featuring already discussed songtitles. So it's not really much of a security measure; admittedly, it's one step up from putting a picture of Feargal Sharkey on the sleeve.
Gordon provides a "track-by-track review" of the album. It's like being there:
7. SOMEWHERE: A 60-second string arrangement with good vocal.
Even Gordon tires of a shaky track-by-track by the end:
12. WON'T DO THAT& 13. MORNING SUN REPRISE: Rob introduces brass for the final fanfare. A rousing, upbeat finish.
Elsewhere, Gordon files a crime report:
BURGLARS have battered down the front door of GWEN STEFANI's £2.5million London pad.
Blimey - they broke into her flat?
But they failed to get into her upstairs flat - and are said to have broken into an apartment downstairs instead.
Oh. So they didn't batter down the "front door" of "her pad", but broke into the building?
The headline on the story is curious, too:
Gwen is target of burglars
So they "targeted" her, by, erm, breaking into someone else's flat? Even Brighton and Hove Albion are closer on target than that.