Gordon in the morning: Fashion notes and bidding wars

Has Gordon ever met a woman? One who wears clothes?

Apparently not:

Cheryl's Rip-Off Dress

GORGEOUS CHERYL COLE smoulders in a frock held together by one long ZIP.

How many zips does Gordon think most dresses have?

Cole was punting "her" first solo tour - or, rather, a series of dates while people arrive to see the Black Eyed Peas.

Any other observations on the outfit, Gordon? You haven't mentioned the colour.

Cheryl may be dressed in silver, but she's solid gold to us.

You wonder how long that line took. Is there a pad in Wapping with variations crossed out? "She is wearing silver, but I'd sure like to pewt-er" "She is wrapped in silver like a chocolate bar and we'd all like to unwrap her although there's a risk she'd just end up causing us to have a sticky mess in our pockets" "She is wearing silver which makes us wonder why someone didn't grab bits of her hair and put a plat in 'em"

Elsewhere, Gordon is busily pushing JLS again, with an American 'bidding war':

Jive would mean going on the same books as BRITNEY SPEARS, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, BACKSTREET BOYS and USHER.

That's true. It's also the label that brings you Mullage and K. Michelle.

Epic is home to the late MICHAEL JACKSON.

Could JLS fit in on a label which is best known for a moldering corpse?

Still, it's all very exciting, isn't it, Gordon?

JLS are at the centre of a bidding war between two of the world's biggest pop labels, setting them up for US glory.

Yes, a bidding war. Between two very, very different companies.

That they're both owned by Sony doesn't in any way undermine the idea that these two labels are involved in an intense public auction to sign the band, not does it mean the two are involved in a meaningless PR puff to try and make the half-witted believe there's an insatiable demand for JLS in the Mid West.