Gordon in the morning: On the Brits 2010 front line

The make-up of the Sun website means there's two goes at coming up with a headline to mark Lady GaGa's victory.

At first, on the Bizarre homepage, they go with

It's Lady Ga-Gongs

which is a bit weak.

On the main report, though, somebody's come up with this:

Laden GaGa

- which is better.

Gordon explains what happened for those of you who missed her performance:

She changed to a skimpier white outfit to perform her song Telephone and her wacky hairdo made her look a bit like BARBARA WINDSOR in Carry On Doctor. She then sat at a piano to play her little-known number Dance In The Dark.

Funny, I could have sworn it was the other way around. These things look different on the TV, don't they?

Obviously, Smart was writing against a tight deadline but some of his report is just really weird:

JLS delighted their female fans when they were lowered from the rafters at London's Earls Court on CABLES before launching into their hit single Beat Again.

Why would being lowered from the roof "delight female fans"? Is there something especially sexy about hiding in the rafters? Did Gordon have a thing for Swap Shop's Eric?

Of course, JLS weren't the only of Gordon's obsessions to win:

Introduced by host PETER KAY as Leicester's answer to Aswad, rockers KASABIAN cemented their place in history as Best British Band.

Yes, their place in history. Like the way the Stereo MCs secured their place in history in 1994.

Good lord.

It turns out, though, Gordon may very well have been at a totally different event:

PETER KAY's quickfire quips had the Brit Awards crowd in stitches.

This is under the headline "Host of laughs". Really.

In fact, Smart seems to believe that the clunking presentation, dull performances and appearance by a Prince for no reason whatsoever was some sort of near-triumph:

Kasabian's thundering rendition of Fire and Dizzee Rascal with Florence & The Machine proved Brit music is in rude health.

Then there was Peter Kay calling Liam Gallagher a "knobhead" - a priceless moment.

Other than that, the awards were a perfect reflection of what is popular in the UK right now.

Where on earth would you be sitting to think that awards which missed The XX, LaRoux and Little Boots did that?

Dizzee Rascal, JLS, Kasabian, Lady GaGa and Lily Allen were all big winners and deservedly so. The Sun has been behind them from day one.

The Sun has been behind Dizzee Rascal since the start, eh?

Oddly, the year Maths + English came out, 2007, the Sun's online archive reveals they wrote about him precisely... no times at all.

Then there was Peter Kay calling Liam Gallagher a "knobhead" - a priceless moment.

A man with nothing to offer collecting an award that meant nothing showing no interest in his surroundings being chided by a host with nothing witty to say. It probably was the defining moment of last night, but I'm not sure "priceless" is the word I'd go for.