Gordon in the morning: Bottoms up

Did you know Tanya Gold sometimes does stuff for The Sun? Back in March, she was why-oh-whying through the vomit-strewn streets of late night Britain:

You are a binge drinker, I say, and you are risking your health. "Yes, I am!" she happily shrieks back.

I probe her about why she drinks and if she is worried about her health, her liver, her personal safety, her sanity. It is like talking to a child. She is not worried and she doesn't know why she binge drinks.

As far as I can see, teenagers in Britain are playing Russian roulette with their lives every weekend.

And at least some of these teenage drinkers will become chronic alcoholics.

Why oh why?

BRITAIN is in the midst of an underage drinking epidemic, say medical experts and politicians.

New figures show that 8,000 under-18s are being admitted to A&E every year for drink-related problems.

But why do teenage girls, some as young as 14, feel the need to get so wasted?

Yes, it's a total mystery. Where do young kids get the idea it's cool to drink until you fall over, that it's natural and perhaps the only way to express pleasure?

Total mystery.

Anyhoo, back to this morning's Gordon Smart Is Bizarre. He's reporting on how The Wanted have spent their week at Number One:

I ASSUMED THE WANTED were just another drippy boy band.

But the chart-topping quintet have shot straight to No1 in my Caners' League with an impressive bender that lasted FIVE DAYS.

They did what, Gordon? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Still trying to think about how young people get the idea that they need to be getting wasted. What were you saying?

SIVA KANESWARAN was the worst victim - being barely able to string a sentence together.

He said: "We got home at 6am. No one remembers much."

Forgive me, Gordon. Just can't get Tanya's report out of my mind. Why do these kids find themselves treating drinking almost as if it's a competitive sport? Still, that's got nothing to do with your entertainment beat, has it? Tell me more about the Wanted:

Current Caner Of The Year holders JLS have gone so soft they are in real danger of losing their crown.

Sorry - got distracted again. I was wondering if perhaps there's peer pressure on youngsters to drink; that perhaps if they don't "keep up" they might find themselves being ridiculed. You were saying something about JLS, I believe, Gordon?

Chief boozers ASTON MERRYGOLD and MARVIN HUMES were rarely seen without a drink in one hand and a girl on their arm throughout 2009.

I might be being a little unfair to Gordon here - it's not like he's absolutely slurry-thick ignorant about how his 'your liver is something you must destroy in order to obtain coolness' shtick might influence younger readers. Why, look: he even includes a public information line:

NATHAN SYKES, who wasn't able to drink as he is still only 17, said the boys are determined to keep the ball rolling.

You see? There's no way that Gordon could be accused to adding on the pressures of underage drinkers.