Gordon in the morning: Plastic punks

The news that One Direction's management have shoved their hapless noisesacks off in a "rock" direction is amusing enough in its own right:

ONE Direction are gaining a reputation as hellraisers so its no surprise they're working with a US punk-pop svengali.

Some of the lads' new material has a rock influence inspired by American producer and writer Matt Squire.

It gets better though. Squire has worked with Good Charlotte, and they're "punk" (in the way that McDonalds is a "restaurant"), and so Gordon has decided that... well, this will be the result:

Yes, that's Gordon's "mock up" of what a punk band might look like.

Cyrus advance: Here comes the next one

With Hannah Montana now, like, so oooooold, and her human host Miley Cyrus now trying to re-establish control of her body, where will the world find its inoffensively offensive preteen safetydance thrills?

Meet Miranda Cosgrove. She's known to American kids as iCarly, on Nickelodeon. Now, she's releasing an album.

Well, half an album:

The remaining 10 tracks -- all by such teen-friendly Sony artists as Good Charlotte and Avril Lavigne -- were chosen to represent "songs that would appear on Carly's iPod," Sony Music Label Group chairman Rob Stringer said.

This is a brilliant approach to making a record - when you get bored, just drag a bunch of stuff from iTunes into your 'newalbum' folder and you're set.

Don't say you haven't been warned.

Madden to be a dad 'un

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden have popped up on US television to confirm they can't work birth control: Richie is four months pregnant.

This means, of course, Lionel Richie is to become a granddad, and Nicole is now in the position of having to eat for one.

Charlotte shove-crimes

Joel Madden, who pretends to be a punk in the sitcom Good Charlotte, has had a bit of a run in outside a restaurant in LA. Apparently he's accused of shoving a photographer who tried to take pictures of his girlfriend, Nicole Richie, leaving a restaurant called Mr. Chow. It's not clear if Joel was upset at the thought of pictures being taken of her, or pictures not being taken of him.

Nicole Richie in a restaurant called Mr. Chow? What, couldn't they get seats at Lord Pick? Was Duke of Nibbles closed for refurbishment?