Lenny Kravitz attempts to claim human rights for his penis

You'll have heard about Lenny Kravitz trousers ripping "unexpectedly" while onstage in Sweden. Suddenly, in Stockholm, his stock was no longer homed. Delighted fans snapped away. They only snapped with cameras - if they'd been snapping with shearing tools, Kravitz would have something to complain about.

But he's nonetheless upset that his trouser disintegration has exposed his penis to a mixture of acclaim, derision and lack of interest. And, to be fair, he has a right to be upset. Providing he doesn't overplay his hand.

He's overplaying his hand. And also overplaying his cock:

Today, The Metro reports that Kravitz's legal team have warned about the images, stating that they breach their "clients' copyright, human rights, right-of-publicity and performer's rights".

It's not clear if Kravitz's penis has a separate legal team, or, indeed if it is considered a performer in its own right.

Of course Kravitz has the right to ask people not to gawp around after his accident; but does he have to be such a cock about it?

One from the "that's like getting a telly that only shows Russell Harty" file

There's an elaborate reissue to mark twenty years since Lenny Kravitz released Are You Going To Go My Way.

Apart from trying to make us all feel old and impotent, it's hard to see why.

Aerosmith really like football, or cola, or something

It's not just that you can picture the marketing meeting where this idea was choke-dropped onto the table; it's the way you can see the pie-chart of "intersecting communities" being drawn on the interactive whiteboard, and hear the whooping:

Pepsi and the National Football League (NFL) announced the expansion of the Pepsi NFL Anthems program, a national campaign that brings to life originally created anthems for seven NFL teams around the league. The latest world-renowned artists to be featured in the program include one of the generation's most influential artists, Lenny Kravitz, who penned "Like a Jet" for the team he grew up cheering for in New York, and America's Greatest Rock Band AEROSMITH, staunch supporters of the New England Patriots, who have released an anthem titled "Legendary Child - Patriots Anthem".

If you're telling people it's an anthem, it probably isn't. If you're having to stick the word "anthem" in the title, what you've probably written is a jingle.

If you can stand the violent interpolation of a can of fizzy drink and a bunch of dinosaurs into enthusiasm for people playing sports, there's much more joyless clunk to be discovered in the promotion.

In an ongoing effort to amplify the intersection between sports and music, we are thrilled to add AEROSMITH and Lenny Kravitz as the newest Anthems artists," said Pepsi Director of Sports Marketing Todd Kaplan. "On top of that, the Jets and Patriots have a notorious rivalry, and we couldn't have picked a better matchup to debut our new songs and advertising campaign."

Let's not doubt for a moment that there is an intersection between sports and music, albeit one whose value sits somewhere between the Hoddle and Waddell single and that comedy record by the bloke pretending to be John McEnroe.

But why and how would one "amplify" it? To what end? And if it's such a vibrant cross-section that you think it should be shouted about, why would you have to pay people to write songs that fit it?

Joe Perry explains why Aerosmith got involved:

"This is a program the band and I were excited to get behind as it is a true representation of our allegiance to the New England Patriots and the city of Boston," said AEROSMITH frontman Steven Tyler. "There's something about the word legendary and the words New England Patriots that have an amazing ring to them. We're excited and proud to be part of that," added AEROSMITH guitarist Joe Perry.

That sentence. That one right there: "There's something about the word legendary and the words New England Patriots that have an amazing ring to them." That is the marketing project equivalent of finding dead fish washed up on the beach, a warning sign that there's absolutely nothing able to breathe in the environment.

There's something about the words 'marketing' and 'patronising bullshit' that taste a little of Pepsi, isn't there?

Kravitz croaky, laid up

Lenny Kravitz is, tonight, in a hospital in Miami. He's been suffering from respiratory problems since the start of the year; now, it's turned into bronchitis.

A spokesperson issued a statement:

"Due to extreme dehydration and fatigue, doctors were unable to control it with outpatient treatment and advised the singer to check into the hospital. He was taken this morning to the emergency room at Mount Sinai Hospital in Miami for immediate treatment."

Dehydration? It's a refreshing change for a musician to go and get treatment because they've not been drinking enough.

Lenny Kravitz gives up sex

Yes, straight women, gay and bi men, it's true: the reason why Kravitz has stopped calling is because he doesn't do sex anymore:

"(It's) just a promise I made until I get married. Where I'm at in life, the women have got to come with something else, not just the body, but the mind and spirit. It usually trips them out, but that's the way it's going to be. I'm looking at the big picture."

Kravitz tells Maxim that he's not had sex for three years.

Now, we might be cynical, but we suspect we'd believe him more about his choice to be celibate had he mentioned his decision at the start of the three years, rather than the end. Because by claiming he never intended to have any sex at all for thirty-six months looks a little like he's trying to rationalize a drought, rather than embarking on trying to keep himself as pure as he remains for his next marriage.

Live Earth: go on, burn it up a little more

This is a genuine press release we've received this morning:

Just wanted to shoot over some great news at the Wiredset office. We are working with Lenny Kravitz and as you may have heard he will be headlining the Live Earth Rio concert!

The great thing about the Rio Live Earth show is that it’s the only one that’s entirely free! So book that plane ticket and get down to Rio to enjoy an awesome show on the Copacabana Beach.

Emphasis added.

Al Gore calls his good friend Lenny Kravitz

Amongst those being called for the Rio leg of Live Earth: Lenny Kravitz, Macy Gray and Pharrell Williams.

It's barely even worth counting the excess air travel that clocks up, isn't it?

Only Lenny Kravitz can save us now

Some more names have been added to the not-growing-that-fast bill for Al Gore's "let's save the Planet" gig. The line-up now features Snow Patrol, Bon Jovi, Paolo Nutini, Fall Out Boy, Black Eyed Peas and, of course, the apparently still reactivated Duran Duran.

We think we might have misunderstood the idea of this gig - we thought it was meant to be trying to encourage people to save the planet from global warming, but looking at the terrible bill, it seems more like Gore is trying to get us to be quietly relieved that sea levels will rise and we'll all burn to death after going mad from having to drink sea water. After all, compared to watching Lenny Kravitz lecturing us on using low-energy lightbulbs before launching into 'Are You Gonna Go My Way', being caught in a collapsing infrastructure as Gaia implodes will seem like a cakewalk.