Jarvis Cocker: Made of cake

Sheffield pop star Jarvis becomes one of the cake people

Sorry... what did you just say, Sheffield Star?

Bespectacled Pulp frontman Jarvis Cocker, along with Louis Tomlinson from One Direction, have both had their likenesses moulded out of cake, complete with edible painted icing.

This is to celebrate Yorkshire Day. And to be fair, the one on the right is meant to be Judi Dench and not Louis Tomlinson.

Pictures of Louis Tomlinson fail to purchase football club

The much ballyhooed takeover of Doncaster Rovers by Louis Tomlinson is about to collapse, as the Football League isn't impressed.

Of course, Tomlinson was never actually going to buy the club, but was instead helping a fan-funded trust purchase the team. But it's not working out:

The Trust's Crowdfunder total currently stands at £757,796 from 514 backers, well short of the £2m target. Tomlinson had declared that he was going to charge £250 per selfie, in order to raise money for the club.

It must be a bit galling for Tomlinson. I bet he's aware Harry Styles could probably raise enough from selling selfies to buy Man United. Or at least Everton.

The grown-ups who are helping Louis with the bid are a bit upset:

Clearly angered by the decision, [John] Ryan told BBC Radio Sheffield: "The situation is that the crowd-funder didn't succeed and we are very sorry about that but the real problem is with the Football League.

"They have made it so difficult now that unless you have a bag full of cash you are going to get turned down."

You can understand his frustration, but 'not raising the amount of cash required to ensure the team can function' does seem to be less a problem with the Football League and more about the people trying to raise the money.

Still: you can't purchase a medium-sized business with huge running costs and variable income streams without having a lot of money. Every day is an education, isn't it?

One Direction: He cannae run wi'out legs

"He cannae run wi'out legs" is, I think, the only piece of football strategy that ever made it into ITV 'tykes-over-coming-ennui-through-painting-a-supporters-club-in-garish-colours' kids drama Murphy's Mob and, as such, I'm certain that every manager rasps this advice into players' ears before they head out for a big match.

Should it be such a surprise, then, that this happened:

That's Aston Villa's Gabby Agbonlahor taking down One Direction/Doncaster Rover's Louis Tomlinson (oh, try typing that with a straight face) during a charity match.

(It's not entirely clear why Tomlinson was playing, as it was supposedly a Celtic team against a Legends team, and 'having signed as some sort of dancing bear with Doncaster' hardly constitutes being a legend, surely?)

Still, nice to see consistency from the One Directioner, whose 'rolling about in agony in front of a crowd' is as convincing as his 'being a musician in front of a crowd' work.

[Thanks to @curiousiguana]

Life imitates Roy Of The Rovers

Oh, how we laughed when Melchester Rovers signed two of Spandau Ballet. As if a real football team would waste its time signing pop stars, even for the stunt value.

The joke, it turns out, was on us. Doncaster Rovers have signed Louis Tomlinson out of One Direction.

There's a charity-related angle to the whole thing, so it looks like a publicity stunt with its heart in the right place.

If this was Roy Of The Rovers, there'd be a massive flu hit to the team, forcing Tomlinson to appear in the first team for an all-important cup match. (Probably while a disgruntled former goalkeeper attempts to burn the stadium down.) But that... that would be too far-fetched, surely?

Talent borrows; genius steals; One Direction watch someone doing copy-paste

One Direction have 'fessed up that they've been attempting to rip off The Clash. I know, I know, it's like watching little kids dressing up as adults, but apparently Live While We're Young acknowledges a debt to Should I Stay Or Should I Go:

One Direction member Harry Styles, who seemingly admitted during an interview with BBC Newsbeat that the similarity between the two songs was intentional.

Speaking about the likeness between the tracks, he said: It was kind of on purpose though. It's a great riff, so…

Meanwhile, his bandmate Louis Tomlinson said that it was inevitable that songwriters would pen tracks which sounded similar to older efforts, claiming: "I assume it must be quite difficult to do a unique riff now because there have been so many songs - surely there's only so many riffs you can pull out?"

I love the trembling way that Tomlinson talks about songwriting - it's like when I find myself talking about football; I know the basic idea of what's going on but don't have very much direct experience. It's a case of gently easing yourself out of your field of expertise and hoping the structure doesn't collapse underneath you. "There's probably only a limited number of riffs... like, erm, four? more? four million? Some... some, anyway. And lyrics, right? They're saying we're running out of lyrics because Paul McCartney used up so many... I think..."