IT'S A MEL (SMITH) AND KIM (WILDE) FOR THE 21ST CENTURY: Please, god, no - Shirley and Marilyn Manson to work together? Shirley, what are you thinking? It's like Bill Hicks doing a double act with Syd Little.

SORTING THROUGH THE EMAIL: Thanks to Alan, for his observation on the All Knowing NME Brain:

I'm getting obsessed with the All-Knowing NME Brain. The first CD single was Dire Straits, apparently. But when they were first made, Smash Hits said that the inaugural singles were Ruby Turner (x3), Dire Straits (x4) and John Martyn (x4!) all on the same day. Small point, but it ain't All-Knowing.

And also, we should at this point look scoldingly at P. for his suggestion that the Robbie Williams collage will look like the Myra Hindley face made up from children's handprints. You'll have that Morrissey on you, you know.

AN 'AH YES, I REMEMBER IT WELL' FOR THE 21ST CENTURY: Victoria Beckham and her husband, David, have "recorded a duet" - or rather Damon Dash has slapped a Beckham voicemail on one of the tracks on the new Posh album in a bid to try and persuade Telstar it's interesting enough to release ("because David is the only man for her to sing about.") Of course, the problem with this concept of a duet is one of the 'singers' is little more than a flat, dull monotone voice talking through banks of electronic equipment, and the other one belongs to a footballer. (Yes, we know you could have written that yourself, thank you.) ITV news reckons "the Beckhams will hope that the track puts a stop to persistent rumours that they are having marital problems." Yes, that'll do it - an old voicemail track of Derek calling Victoria saying "I'm really missing you" while she was off recording a pointless album with the bloke the tabloids are desperate to suggest she's shagging. Well, I'm convinced.

HE WANTS MORE THAN FIFTY CENTS DAMAGES: Photographer sues 50 cent, suggesting his seven-strong bodyguard crew went beyond the point of guarding Fifty's body and more towards just leathering the crap out of him.

CLASSICAL JAZ: Jaz Coleman - yes, that Jaz Coleman - turns up in Prague conducting the Czech Philharmonic and Prague Symphony orchestra. The Liverpool Phil is always looking for ways to try and boost its fortunes... could this be the way?

AW, BLESS: As the Australian Here and Now tour gets underway, Kim Wilde (who's looking after your garden at the moment, Kim?) changes Kids in America to Kids in Australia. Aww.

EASY TARGETS: We're convinced that the Girls Aloud publicity team are doing it deliberately now, sending out an email to the GA mailing list reading "Girls Aloud are currently battling it out on GWR Core Control". Maybe some contrition might help Cheryl in the forthcoming civil action rather than using her brawling as a lame gag.

MY MOM, MY THOM, MY RADIO 6: Radiohead are going to be programming much of 6Music over Christmas. So that's Thom Yorke as Santa there, then. Hold that image in your mind for a moment...

- Ho, ho, ho, what do you want for Christmas, Little Girl
- I want a Tiny Tears, Santa
- Tears? There will be tears, my girl. For we are all alone in a world that shuns us and leaves to die unloved

IF A CAREER COLLAPSES AND NOBODY IS THERE, DOES IT MAKE A SOUND?: We knew times were getting tough for Madonna, but we didn't realise quite how tough. This email has been spamming its way around YahooGroups:

From: "Jeffrey Kee"
Date: Mon Nov 10, 2003 2:19pm
Subject: Madonna's New Single, NOTHING FAILS
"Nothing Fails" audio:
Low: http://www.warnerreprise.com/asx/madonna_nothingfails_56-a.asx
High: http://www.warnerreprise.com/asx/madonna_nothingfails_128-a.asx
If you like this song, please request for it at your local radio stations now!
On rotation at these stations:
WZEE-FM Madison, WYOY-FM Jackson, KRBV-FM Dallas, WYKS-FM Gainesville, WPRO-FM Providence, KHTT-FM Tulsa, WERZ-FM Portsmouth, KIIS-FM Los Angeles, WAYV-FM Atlantic City, WXKS-FM Boston, WZKL-FM Canton, WVYB-FM Daytona Beach, KSII-FM El Paso, KCDU-FM Monterey/Salinas, WINK-FM Ft. Myers, KLLC-FM San Francisco, KKPN-FM Corpus Christi, KHOP-FM Modesto/Stockton, WQSX-FM Boston
Pre-order Madonna's "Nothing Fails/Love Profusion/Nobody Knows Me"
Maxi-Single: http://www.amazon.com/exec/ [... ] -20
Release Date: December 9, 2003
If you're interested in supporting Madonna's new single, please email me at jeffreykee@m...
Thanks!
Jeffrey Kee

That's right... the old dear has run so low on her battery power there's some godawful streetteam trying to spark up a bit of interest. What makes is even sadder is they're able to draw up a very short list of stations who like the new single enough to play it. Do you remember when Madonna singles used to be an event, a time to save up pocket money and to clear the diary? Now it's down to some old queen sticking out spams saying "They quite like it on a radio station in Fort Myers." Madonna, honey, even getting a downstairs licking from Britney isn't going to save you know.

PLAYLOUDER STILL: So, the big debate in the playground right now is what to make of the Playlouder MSP (or "music service provider", as it would be styled.) We like Playlouder here, and the noises they make, and it's interesting to see someone come up with a different model for legitimate music file-sharing, but we're far from convinced of the likely success of this one.

In short, if we've got it right, you pay Playlouder to be your Internet Service Provider. They give some of the money you pay to them to the record labels, and in return, you're able to swap music files to your hearts content, any way you choose, with other users of Playlouder MSP. Providing, of course, those files are on labels who are part of the deal.

It's a nice idea, but there seem to be a few flaws with this model - if the record companies have signed up to it, it must be because they're convinced that the rights management is going to work, which would imply that you won't be able to go outside of the Playlouder MSP zone to download. So, whereas with Kazaa you have the whole world of Kazaa users to choose from, you're only going to have Kazaa Users who are also on Playlouder to pick tracks up off. And they'll only have tracks from the licensed labels available. Which seems to have cut down the attractiveness of the system right there - you'll probably have no trouble finding Smells Like Teen Spirit, but early Tad might be harder to come by. We guess that Playlouder could have a central server which held all these tracks, but then why would their users need to go through a file sharing service? We can't see the advantage for you if you're paying cold hard cash for the tracks in having to go and fish them off a file-sharing service - sure, it might be loads cheaper than iTunes, but at least Apple will serve you now, you don't have to wait for the only other Michelle Shocked fan sharing your ISP to come online in order to get your mitts on The Oldest Living Hippy. Of course, you could always go and look for the track in the wilder waters beyond PlayLouder's walled community, but for that you'd need to have a separate ISP to avoid the rights management; and if you're going to have to keep with BT Yahoo, say, to access some of the things you want. And since nobody is going to pay for two susbcriptions to ISPs, it looks like a straight choice between one which lets you use all of the file sharing networks and one which doesn't. It's a bit harsh, but if Playlouder can't guarantee access to all the labels' catalogue all the time, it's not entirely clear why anyone would want to sign up with them. Unless they were just very interested in their ISP package and aren't currently downloading any music at all, in which case their Music Service Provider isn't an answer to the problem of how to stop people illegally downloading, but a question of how to encourage people onto file sharing networks for the first time.

And you've got to scratch your head at record labels suddenly deciding file sharing networks are alright, after all - last week, wasn't using Kazaa going to fill your computer up with pictures of wanking babies and hard-disk wiping viruses? Wasn't it all a bit illegal and dangerous and liable to cause all sorts of potentially-prison-punishable bother for you? How is it these alleged problems could all be solved by nothing more technical than giving the record labels some of the money being spent on your ISP?

AFTER THE WHIGS: There's rather a fine interview with Greg Dulli, former Afghan Whigs man, on the Pulse of the Twin Cities website: "What happened in Elliott Smith’s living room is a modern day parable about what can happen. I didn’t know him well, but I did know him and I did have a deep fond affection for him. More than thinking about what he did, or the music he made before that, all I can think about is the five minutes before the act was completed. And that to me is just the absolute depth of loneliness. And that right there is why when you choose to expose yourself in an artistic way you’re putting yourself in a dangerous place.”

BLOWING IT: Machine Gun Fellatio have agreed to change their name to MGF to be included on the soundtrack to Australian movie Getting Square. But Chit Chat doesn't think that's going too far: "They had to put MGF at the start of the film rather than Machine Gun Fellatio and there was something in the papers here about "Oh are they selling out" or whatever. I was thinking "We got a song called 'Knickers On Your Head' past everybody and into a film so I don't know who's subverting who".

Here's a clue, Mr. Chat: You have got a song with the word 'knickers' onto a movie soundtrack, at the cost of not being able to use your band's name and consequently rendering the subsequent exposure totally useless in developing awareness and sales. Does that clear things up for you?

More confusingly, the movie comes laden with fucks, and yet Fellatio is banned. "And it's a medical term" says a puzzled Chat. Which makes us wonder exactly what his GP has been telling him.

IN SPACE, NOBODY CAN HEAR YOUR INTERMINABLE GUITAR SOLOS: Never mind Blur's involvement with Beagle2, lumbering whatever life may exist on Mars with some of the offcuts of their material (which still has a bigger prospective audience than Albarn's solo stuff), the cool space/music interface news is that they picked chunks of Deep Purple records out of the wreckage of the Space Shuttle. New theories on the crash are starting from the pilots losing control while they tried to change the disc in the CD player.

AND WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER FUN?: Try as we might, we can't picture Radiohead approaching recording with a plan "to have fun." But maybe we're being too cynical, and we're about to get their Surfing Safari.

STAY TOGETHER: Brett says that Suede could work together again at some point in the future "once he gets his 'demon' back." If that's all it would take, why doesn't he just give his - ahem - demon dealer a ring?

Brett's full message reads: "There's obviously been a lot of emotion and rumours flying around over the last few days so I thought I'd try and set the record straight on a couple of things.
Firstly I'd like everyone to know that this decision was based purely on creative reasons.
Personally I feel that the only way to escape the artistic dead end I have found myself in is to work at least for a while outside the band.
There has been speculation about record sales and chart positions but the bottom line is I need to do whatever it takes to get my demon back.
I know that a lot of people will never be able to understand this. I'd like them to know that this is not a decision we have entered into lightly and ask them to trust that ultimately the band know what is best for Suede.
Finally you should all know that we will remain good friends and that I can genuinely see us working together again. What we have done has been too special to just throw away.

So, there you are, then, it's a totally creative decision and anything you may have thought - about them being forced into releasing a greatest hits because Sony wasn't going to put up any more cash for an album after the load they blew on A New Morning, about the band being "gutted" by that greatest hits only reaching 31 (although it's not really surprising, like Pulp, most of their audience would have had all of the tracks to begin with), anything about the band being pissed off that Sony refused to bundle b-sides with the Greatest Hits - all of that can be written off as being little more than a Prince getting wanked off by his manservant. Apparently.

SHE REALLY DOES DO EVERY BLOODY THING A WEEK AFTER BRITNEY, DOESN'T SHE?: Just like Britney last week, Christina has pulled out of her UK dates and gone home. Apparently she's got bronchitis, which goes to prove your mam was right when she said if you go out dressed like this:



... you're going to get a chill. We've not got very much to say about the MTV awards, by the way, except that Aguilera had all those costume changes and not one of them was any good - you'd have thought by the law of averages that at least one of them would have been a cool costume, wouldn't you? And it took two midriff revealing outfits before we realised it wasn't some sort of icky, plastic, shiny beige material but her actual stomach. The other revelation of the night was that Christina can't deliver a comic line to save her life - like Thatcher, it's apparent she's been told the words she is saying has a humourous element to them, but she's incapable of knowing exactly what it is; the end result is a line trotted out with a "is this the funny bit? this bit?" uncertainty. Absolutely dreadful as a presenter, but still a million times better than Ali G the year before (who delivered lines devoid of humour as if he was Max Miller.)

IN GOD'S NAME, WHY?: Isn't having Victoria Beckham in to "relaunch" Top of the Pops like kicking of an overhaul of Match of the Day with something from the Conference? "It is not known if Victoria will be singing or presenting", apparently, although we're not sure what would be most horrific.

We're still not entirely sure how Andi Peters is going to be able to square his job being in charge of TOTP - and as such, a signed up believer that the BBC Top 40 is the only chart that counts - with his presenting slot on Capital, which uses a totally different chart. Isn't this going to cause him difficulty of a 'conflict' nature?

I HOPE THEY GOT SOMETHING IN WRITING: Angolans get excited at Michael Jackson's announcement that he might visit Angola "to carry out various social projects." He was talking in Las Vegas, a city where only Ned Flanders feels obliged to keep to his promises.

ASK ALFRED MARKS... THEY'VE SUCH A LOT TO OFFER YOU: Of course, Paul McCartney invented that dance music, you know. There was nothing before him, it was all trees, you know.

I ASK MYSELF/ IS IT A SIN/ TO BE FLEXIBLE/ WHEN THE SHIP COMES IN?: We wonder how long Yoko weighed the legacy of Lennon against the possibility of big piles of cash before she allowed Delta Goodrem to change the lyrics of Happy Christmas (war is over) - to the even more rubbish 'happy christmas (please let the war be over)' This means we're looking the prospect of three versions of this godawful dirge kicking about this festive season - the Pop Idol chimps, Delta and the reissue of the Lennon version. Obviously, great news for Yoko who will have extra cash to spend on her campaign to have Paul McCartney walled up forever in a toilet in the east end, but bad news for the rest of us. Surely this is the last year where we need to have pacifism portrayed as a dirgey, middle class, school-choir-melody activity? "Ooh, I'm a bit concerned about Iraq... I know, I'll record a nappy-wearing hippy-dippy ballad - that'll show the White House. I mean, if you're going to change the lyric, at least do it so that it becomes a knife which is still keen - 'Happy Xmas (Mission Accomplished)', perhaps?

VOMIT STAIND: Staind have had to cancel tour dates due to singer Aaron Lewis being taken poorly, so we're doing all we can to ensure he gets well soon. We're having a whip-round to send him on a recuperative cruise on the Aurora. All donations welcome.

TRY NOT TO LET THE MENTAL IMAGE FORM: Aled Jones pledged to sing naked if Wales made the rugby final. Oddly, he supports Wales so we're not sure why he was encouraging them to throw the match.

NOT LIKE A VIRGIN: Britney's been telling Entertainment Tonight what a difference getting fucked has made to her music: "I think that when you experience something that special, and something so sacred, it's like so much more emotion goes into it. I thought I was going to marry the person. I thought I was going to be with the person for the rest of my life, so that's why I did it. But when you do, you creatively go through such a different state when you're in the studio." Maybe, but on the other hand you could have showered. (To be honest, the new Britney stuff sounds less like the morning after your first time, more like the sound of a fist-pummelling on the knees waiting for the next time to us, but what would we know?)

Also, she tells ET that, surprisingly, the whole kissing Madonna thing was Madonna's idea. Who would have thought it was the plan of the woman with the twilight career, eh?

WOT - NO BANANAS?*: The worrying thing is, Chad Kroeger isn't being wry: "The stage is going to be even bigger than last time. The flames we had last time? Instead of going 40 feet, they'll now go 60 feet in the air. And if you're looking for meat and potatoes, we'll be serving up mountain-sized plates of meat-and-potatoes rock 'n' roll." No word on how the sourcing of the model stonehenge is going.

What's a little more interesting is the hairy one was stopped from making a single with santana by his record label - it turns out that he hadn't realised when he took a large pile of money from Roadrunner that he'd actually signed over himself to the label. Roadrunner were worried that if he worked with Carlos, he'd 'ruin his rock credibility' (like Disneyland losing its gritty realism, surely?). But now we're not sure - since his visual rights are no longer his (i.e. he can't stand in front of a camera without the approval of Roadrunner) is he allowed to cut his hair without their say-so?

JUST HOW WOBBLY WOULD YOUR MARRIAGE HAVE TO BE?: Barbara Powell gets advice on being married to a rock & roll star from Sharon Osbourne. (Her husband is Ryan Powell of, um, Left 4 Dead, so you can imagine how worried Barbara must be knowing her husband is playing to sometimes not-quite-empty rooms all over town. What sort of advice is Sharon going to give? "Pump your husband so full of barin-mashing drugs and he won't be able to wander, love. He'll barely be able to walk."

OH NO LOGO: What on earth have VH1 done to their logo? It's gone from a fairly solid-looking corporate logo to some godawful thing that looks like it's been run up on a Fisher Price logomaker. Horrid. Is this a sign they've decided 'Music TV for grown-ups' hasn't worked and they're thinking of making themselves a bit more youth-friendly?

TWEEDY: IT'S NOT OVER: Cheryl Tweedy might have hoped her tour of the softer end of the news media had been enough to re-establish her career, but it wasn't just No Rock that thought it strange that while she was apologising to fans and friends and family, she didn't find time to say sorry to Sophie Amogbokpa, the woman who she punched into weeks off work. Amogbokpa noticed too, and as a result has decided to bring a civil suit against Tweedy. As we imagine Cheryl's management team are explaining to her with diagrams and glove puppets, this is a sticky situation to be in - civil courts don't require cases to be proved beyond reasonable doubt, just on the balance of probabilities; this time round, one of the defence's strongest points - that the racially aggravated element was made up to make the case more duty for post-judgement sale to tabloids has been weakened by Amogbokpa's repeated rejection of attempts to buy her story by the tabloids; and most ominous of all, Amogbokpa is to be represented by Imran Khan, the lawyer who represented the family of Stephen Lawrence. Should be an interesting couple of months for Cheryl, then.

She does have some brightness to cling to, though: the Box Tops for Education programme still are enthusiastically endorsing the band. We spoke to Nestle, and asked if it was perhaps kind of the wrong message to be sending to schoolkids. After a couple of weeks, we got back a sniffy email saying they were "aware of the case against Tweedy" but "no decision had been taken" - although if one was being considered, wouldn't it have been prudent to at least remove the page boasting about how Girls Aloud give "one in the eye to do-gooders" at least while the mulling was taking place? Curious that in a week when a kid got murdered in his own school, Nestle are happy to have their big education project in any way connected with someone who's just had a conviction ke away that burden in me and continue to lead me :D yupp, blogged enuff. time for dinner. xoxo*`"+2">

TWEEDY: IT'S NOT OVER: Cheryl Tweedy might have hoped her tour of the softer end of the news media had been enough to re-establish her career, but it wasn't just No Rock that thought it strange that while she was apologising to fans and friends and family, she didn't find time to say sorry to Sophie Amogbokpa, the woman who she punched into weeks off work. Amogbokpa noticed too, and as a result has decided to bring a civil suit against Tweedy. As we imagine Cheryl's management team are explaining to her with diagrams and glove puppets, this is a sticky situation to be in - civil courts don't require cases to be proved beyond reasonable doubt, just on the balance of probabilities; this time round, one of the defence's strongest points - that the racially aggravated element was made up to make the case more juicy for post-judgement sale to tabloids has been weakened by Amogbokpa's repeated rejection of attempts to buy her story by the tabloids; and most ominous of all, Amogbokpa is to be represented by Imran Khan, the lawyer who represented the family of Stephen Lawrence. Should be an interesting couple of months for Cheryl, then.

She does have some brightness to cling to, though: the Box Tops for Education programme still are enthusiastically endorsing the band. We spoke to Nestle, and asked if it was perhaps kind of the wrong message to be sending to schoolkids. After a couple of weeks, we got back a sniffy email saying they were "aware of the case against Tweedy" but "no decision had been taken" - although if one was being considered, wouldn't it have been prudent to at least remove the page boasting about how Girls Aloud give "one in the eye to do-gooders" at least while the mulling was taking place? Curious that in a week when a kid got murdered in his own school, Nestle are happy to have their big education project in any way connected with someone who's just had a conviction for violence handed down.

TWEEDY: IT'S NOT OVER: Cheryl Tweedy might have hoped her tour of the softer end of the news media had been enough to re-establish her career, but it wasn't just No Rock that thought it strange that while she was apologising to fans and friends and family, she didn't find time to say sorry to Sophie Amogbokpa, the woman who she punched into weeks off work. Amogbokpa noticed too, and as a result has decided to bring a civil suit against Tweedy. As we imagine Cheryl's management team are explaining to her with diagrams and glove puppets, this is a sticky situation to be in - civil courts don't require cases to be proved beyond reasonable doubt, just on the balance of probabilities; this time round, one of the defence's strongest points - that the racially aggravated element was made up to make the case more duty for post-judgement sale to tabloids has been weakened by Amogbokpa's repeated rejection of attempts to buy her story by the tabloids; and most ominous of all, Amogbokpa is to be represented by Imran Khan, the lawyer who represented the family of Stephen Lawrence. Should be an interesting couple of months for Cheryl, then.

She does have some brightness to cling to, though: the Box Tops for Education programme still are enthusiastically endorsing the band. We spoke to Nestle, and asked if it was perhaps kind of the wrong message to be sending to schoolkids. After a couple of weeks, we got back a sniffy email saying they were "aware of the case against Tweedy" but "no decision had been taken" - although if one was being considered, wouldn't it have been prudent to at least remove the page boasting about how Girls Aloud give "one in the eye to do-gooders" at least while the mulling was taking place? Curious that in a week when a kid got murdered in his own school, Nestle are happy to have their big education project in any way connected with someone who's just had a conviction for violence handed down.

TWEEDY: IT'S NOT OVER: Cheryl Tweedy might have hoped her tour of the softer end of the news media had been enough to re-establish her career, but it wasn't just No Rock that thought it strange that while she was apologising to fans and friends and family, she didn't find time to say sorry to Sophie Amogbokpa, the woman who she punched into weeks off work. Amogbokpa noticed too, and as a result has decided to bring a civil suit against Tweedy. As we imagine Cheryl's management team are explaining to her with diagrams and glove puppets, this is a sticky situation to be in - civil courts don't require cases to be proved beyond reasonable doubt, just on the balance of probabilities; this time round, one of the defence's strongest points - that the racially aggravated element was made up to make the case more duty for post-judgement sale to tabloids has been weakened by Amogbokpa's repeated rejection of attempts to buy her story by the tabloids; and most ominous of all, Amogbokpa is to be represented by Imran Khan, the lawyer who represented the family of Stephen Lawrence. Should be an interesting couple of months for Cheryl, then.

She does have some brightness to cling to, though: the Box Tops for Education programme still are enthusiastically endorsing the band. We spoke to Nestle, and asked if it was perhaps kind of the wrong message to be sending to schoolkids. After a couple of weeks, we got back a sniffy email saying they were "aware of the case against Tweedy" but "no decision had been taken" - although if one was being considered, wouldn't it have been prudent to at least remove the page boasting about how Girls Aloud give "one in the eye to do-gooders" at least while the mulling was taking place? Curious that in a week when a kid got murdered in his own school, Nestle are happy to have their big education project in any way connected with someone who's just had a conviction for violence handed down.