NEVER DID KIM CARNES ANY HARM: Jessica Simpson has knocked back an approach to be the face of 7-Up because she's "holding out for Pepsi or Coke." We're just afraid she's burned her boats now, and will be begging Ben Shaws for the Suncharm contract by next summer.

MAN, BONO KNOWS HOW TO PLUG: Not that there's anything wrong or new in a band hooking up a TV programme to promote its new album, but the extent of the linkage between U2 and CSI to plug How to Dismantle An Atom Bomb is impressive. Bono and his boys really are a well-oiled promomachine, aren't they?

AMERICANBANDOBIT: Terry Knight, manager of Grand Funk Railroad, has been murdered. During a row with his daughter's boyfriend, Donald Fair - all three shared a house - Knight was stabbed several times.

Knight - who was also know as Richard Knight and, sometimes, Richard Knapp - helped create Grand Funk Railroad in the sixties and steered their career for the best part of a decade. Knapp had founded the group on a lie - the Flint dj told a band called The Jazz Masters that he was personal friends with Jagger and Richards; they invited him to become their lead singer on the strength of this. In 1968, the Masters reformulated, and Knight elected to remain as manager rather than singer. It was at this point the band chose their new name, which they pinched and adpated (unsurprisingly) from a railway line. It was Knight's shrewd skills as a manger which helped the band gain national fame: he invested USD100,000 on a billboard ad in Times Square for their Closer To Home album; the gamble paid off and gave the band their first Top Ten record. In 1971 the band sold out Shea Stadium, something previously only done by The Beatles.

Things took a sour turn shortly afterwards, when the band replaced Knight with Andy Cavaliere. Cavaliere was a short-term incumbent, himself being replaced by John Eastman, the father-in-law of Paul McCartney. Many years of legal wrangling between the Railroad and Knight ensued; eventually Knight received a huge cash settlement.

GLASTO 2005: It doesn't seem like thirty seconds since we were splicing together pictures from the BBC Glastonbury webcam for Glastonbury 2004, and yet we're already getting confirmation of bands for 2005. Outkast appear to have accepted an offer to appear on the mian stage; Razorlight have been approached but not decided; the first headliners on the newly renamed John Peel Stage will probably be the Undertones. Of course, at the moment, the whole thing's a bit Ohio as no licence has been granted.

STILL THERE WAS A WAY/ TO HEAR HIS VOICE AGAIN: There's still a chance to hear John Peel: the BBC World Service has confirmed that it intends to broadcast the programmes he'd recorded to fill his regular Friday slot (first airings 9.30 am GMT); the Ravenscroft family have requested that the shows get played.

EGG TIMER EMPTIES FOR LIBS?: It's looking like it could be all over for The Libertines - Carl Barat has told the NME he and the band have no plans to do anything after the end of the year. Besides the running problems of former Lib Pete Doherty and his drug circus, Barat apparently needs some sort of operation and whatever it is will put him out of action "maybe for some months." So that's probably that, then.

THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO STRIP: Selling into the Christmas market comes a live Christian Aguilera Stripped DVD - perfect for the person who values jiggling buttocks over a decent singing voice. There's going to be special features, of course - not, sadly, fully dressed versions of the videos, but this stuff:



[Whoops... stuck the original address instead of the local version there last night...]

PRIZES FOR EVERYONE: Do you know what the highest non-military honour is in Canada? Apparently it's the Order of Canada, and it's just been awarded to Joni Mitchell. The prize is in recognition of her forty years of engaging and inspiring people with her music, at least according to Canadian Governor General Adrienne Clarkson. Wonder if the twenty year-old Mitchell would have been happy at picking up a gong...

CONFUSED OLD MAN ENTERS TALKS WITH GRANADA: As if the ongoing spiral of Pop Idol, X Factors and Fame Academy isn't dispiriting enough, cackling loon Malcolm McLaren is planning to launch a show dedicated to finding - wait for it - the worst artists from a pile of wannabes. Erm... hasn't that already been done?

ROD THE SOD?: Wading into court as he surfaces again at the top of the US charts, Rod Stewart is being sued for return of three quarters of a million bucks. Oklahoma based promoter Howard Pollack had given Rod the cash towards a nine-date South American tour; he was late with the next tranche of cash so Rod axed the dates. Pollack wants the advance back; Stewart is counter suing for the rest of the promised two million dollar fee.

GOT TO BEAT GETTING A PARKING DISPUTE: Nobody much likes jury service, but we'd imagine the people called in to hear the case where Severina Vuckovic is suing index.hr might feel a bit happier about their lot: Vuckovic wants to be able to show the court a sex video of her fucking a bloke in order to prove the website violated her copyright. Or possibly just to get them onside. The website don't want the whole court to watch, but asked that a court-appointed sex expert see the video to determine if Vuckovic had "demonstrated anything not previously seen in the porn industry", which could qualify for copyright, [news agency] Hina said. "I do not think she has shown any new sexual art."

IF YOU HAVE A VOTE, AND HAVEN'T USED IT YET: Use it, already. Shirley Manson was out at the weekend campaigning against Bush.

HERE, MY DEAR: In a touching little display of the value of true love, Britney has apparently given her dancing monkey husband all the cash from the sale of their wedding photos, on the grounds that she wouldn't have had the cash if she hadn't married him. Well... that's not totally true, Britney... people would have paid for pictures of you marrying anybody. On the other hand, Federline's wedding probably wouldn't have raised a cent if he hadn't been marrying you. Which would mean that, really, he should hand the wedding cash straight back.

Still, probably makes sense to let him have it now. It'll make things a lot smoother in a few months.

WILL WORK FOR MILLIONS: We'd suggest Donatella Versace might think twice before agreeing to Madonna's demands - Maddy wants twelve million to advertise Versace. Surely now that Madonna's appeared in Gap ads, she would be a slightly unlikely choice to front up a proper fashion house campaign? Surely she's proved that she's just very, very High Street?

SWEET CHILD OF MIME*: Probably taking the sheen off the news that Oasis are touring next year is the slightly more glittery announcement of dates in UK and Ireland for Destiny's Child. You can see them, and, yes, even throw your underwear at them, at Earls Court (June 2nd), Birmingham NIA (5th), Manchester MEN arena (6th) and Lansdowne Road, Dublin (9th).

* - although they might actually sing live

FLOGGING PHONES NEVER DID WYCLEF JEAN ANY HARM: This week's edition of the Orangey Telephone Programme features Amanda Holden, the not-as-good-one out of the Les Dennis - Amanda Holden marriage thingy that was in all the papers.



This week, Lauren isn't even acknowledging that she's there, and while Holden appears to be holding a "gun", Laverne seems to be praying. Probably for a BBC Three series.

And the interview? Holden titters that she "wouldn't say no to Kylie". Which is great. If we had any influence, we'd send Kylie, a massive strap on and a small jar of vaseline round to Amanda's house to see if she's telling the truth or merely trying to bi-up her profile a little.

THE REPUBLICANS REALLY ARE FEELING THE HEAT: As if sending Dick Cheney all the way out to the Hawaiian islands to try and shore up the vote there wasn't indication enough that the GOP are feeling twitchy about the outcome of the election today, they're also having a mini-rant at Rock The Vote.

Their beef is that MTV/RTV campaign isn't as impartial as it suggests, and - horror of horrors - it's secretly trying to get the Democrats into power. (This, of course, all flows from the laughable idea that Viacom is a company full of liberals, or possibly even socialists, and MTV - the biggest single exporter of the American Dream worldwide, with its Cribs and Bling and Real Worlds - is somehow communist). Searching around for "evidence", they found the mock draft card email and the PSAs about a possible draft. What more proof could there be, suggest the Republicans, that RTV is biased?

Of course, it's an interesting and tacit acceptance by the Republicans that the Iraqi and Afgahn campaigns are actually unpopualr - for if everyone was thrilled with what Bush is doing in their name overseas, wouldn't a draft be a positive thing? Give everyone a chance to put their lives on hold and go and support their government, actually doing something actively for the War on Terror? Indeed, couldn't the democrats argue that RTV - by implying that good ole' Donny Rumsfeld is going to offer everyone this latter-day Golden Ticket to the front line?

HE'S HIS OWN SPECIAL ENVOY: There's trouble and violence in Haiti at the moment; seventy-nine at least have been killed since protestors supporting deposed President Aristide marked the anniversary of his leaving by calling for his return to power. Into this mess has walked Wyclef Jean, from the mobile phone adverts, believing that he can help restore peace and calm to the island, while at the same time promoting the virtues of the two pence text to any network. To give him his due, he made straight to the Bel Air neighbourhood, at the heart of the problems, and he plans to talk to people from all sides. Easy for him to do, of course, as his network gives him a bundle of unlimited anytime minutes and cheap landline access.

PRIZE FOR NOT GIVING UP: Peter Gabriel, who used to run about with a lawnmower on his head, has been given a prize honoring him for not dying and stopping the whole dressing-up-as-a-flower business. The Music Industry Trusts' Award was presented to him by Richard Branson at a ceremony in the Grosvenor House Hotel attended by Michael Stipe, Bono, Martin Scorses and... well, you get the picture. Apparently someone wins the award every year for their "outstanding" contribution to the British Music Industry.

Those of you with weak constitutions may wish to skip the next paragraph.

Michael Stipe's message of congratualation was: "I'm proud to be on the Earth at the same time as you are. If anyone deserves this award, it's you."

TOO DAMN NEAR OUR HOUSE: Oh, what have we done to deserve this? Oasis are going to come to Milton Keynes, trailing their fans after them like a raggle-taggle bunch of thirtysomethings. It's part of what the band laughingly refer to as a "tour" - Hampden Park (June29), Mancheter City's ground (July 2nd) and MK Bowl (July 9th). They're asking GBP32.50, which seems to be a bit of cheek considering how rubbish they were at Glastonbury, when even the perpetually upbeat Michael Eavis said he was disappointed. Anyway, we imagine they'll find enough people happy to shell out the cash.

BABYSHAMBLES ANNOUNCE FUTURE CANCELLATIONS: As it's looking less and less likely that The Libertines want Pete Doherty back, he's making the best of things with a fairly big Babyshambles tour. Dates would be, then:

Belfast Limelight (December 11)
Dublin Village (12)
London Forum (13)
Glasgow Barrowlands (14)
Blackpool Empress Ballroom (15)

IT'S WHAT PEEL WOULD HAVE WANTED: As a small thanks for "saving Radio One from chart hell", Snow Patrol are offering a free download of Teenage Kicks. Their cover version, rather than the original, or Busted's version. Or Dawn Chorus (Liz Kerhsaw and Carol Vorderman), come to that.

DIDN'T WE CHASE YOU LOT OUT OF HERE?: Sure, a reunion warms the heart like a child's smile, but surely there should be some sort of gap between split and reunion? Otherwise just coming into work every day would be a reunion, wouldn't it? Nevertheless, Atomic Kitten are planning to reunite for a Christmas single, resurrecting Candle from the debut album in a bid for that all-important number two position. The idea is to try and help their "solo careers" before everyone forgets who they are. Oh, you have already, have you? Never mind.

BRANDY SNAPS: Following on from a not-notably-well-received album Afrodisiac, Brandy and Atlantic Records have gone their separate ways. Perhaps most ominous for Brandy and her future career, Atlantic made no special effort to keep her on board. Still, there's always the sitcom for Fox next year. How can that possibly fail?

IT'S SPITE, I TELL YOU: R Kelly has made good on his promise to sue Jay-Z over the joint tour that fell apart. Now, you might have thought that Jay-Z had kicked Kelly off the tour after the business with the pepper spray. Kelly's version is that he was forced to quit the show because of the pepper spraying, and reckons that Jay-Z was motivated by jealousy that profit was splitting 60-40 in Kelly's favour. (In itself incredible - who besides Kelly would have thought he was the bigger draw?). Kelly's lawyer says that the tour, meant to be the perfect marriage between hip-hop and R&B is now set to be a terrible divorce. It's sure going to be messy.

AG STICKS UP FOR DA IN FACE OF MJ: Michael Jackson's efforts to have Tom Sneddon removed from the child molestation case (on the grounds that Sneddon, um, wants to see Jackson convicted) should be rejected, says California's attorney general. Bill Lockyear said pushes from the Jacko team to have Sneddon removed were based on "conjecture and unfounded speculation." He concluded that even if the Jackson camp had proved Sneddon had personal animosity towards Jackson, that alone wouldn't warrant his removal from the action.

HAWKINS FINE: Apparently, reports that Justin Hawkins had seriously injured his hand were way out of line - the Darkness website suggests yesterday's news of total severance of the hand, replacement with a hook and so on were wide of the mark. The injury has been downgraded from serious to a cut hand, and he's meant to be able to play the guitar just fine. The drunken brawl has also been dropped from the story - that never happened, either.

SOMEHOW, WE SUSPECT "DAY-TO-DAY RUNNING" NOT PART OF THE PORTFOLIO: It's the gift labels give to keep their big stars on board - almost literally on the board: Universal are thinking of offering Jay-Z the President's job at DefJam. Big office, happy payday, and probably someone else to do all the work. It's a pretty sweet deal.

HERE COMES FRANZ FERDINAND AGAIN: If we were American, and we'd been an enthusiastic early adopter of the band, we'd be less than tickled that our supporting of the group is being rewarded by seeing the Franz Ferdinand album get a re-release with an extra disc of stuff now the band are on Epic. The second disc will be rare and b-side stuff, which is nice for anyone who's not been buying the band's stuff to date.

POPPAGAIN: Congratulations to Steohen Stills and his wife Kristen, just re-parented with the birth of their second son. They're calling him Oliver Ragland, the Ragland coming from Neil Young's full name. (They could also have chosen 'Percival' or 'Kenneth'; or even 'Neil', which might have been popular with Oliver when he grows up, we suspect.