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THE HITMAN AND E.R.: Pete Waterman has waddled down to Buckingham Palace to pick up his OBE for services to Bananarama and post-pub television. Michela Strachan is expected to receive a Damehood in the Birthday Honours.
"The Queen asked me about the songs - I was quite shocked she knew them" said Pete, although he didn't say exactly what she'd asked. I mean, if she'd said "surely if you'd given Rick Astley 'Too Many Broken Hearts' that would have given him a much stronger career base to work from, while it was wasted on Jason Donovan who clearly wasn't that interested in a long-term pop career" - that would be shocking. If all she asked was "Is it difficult coming up with so many ideas for your [quick glance at clipboard] 200 hit songs?", that would be slightly less shocking.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
NAILS IN YOUR NEIGHBOURHOOD: Trent Reznor has already sold out two nights in the Astoria, and now he's turned his attention to the rest of Britain:
London Brixton Academy (July 4)
Glasgow Barrowlands (7)
Birmingham Academy (8)
Manchester Apollo (10)
We wouldn't recommend singing along, but we would point out the 10th Anniversary Deluxe Edition of The Download Spiral is now available:
... although Trent Reznor's idea of "luxury" would probably be not using the rusty handcuffs and a ball gag instead of gaffer tape.
DUTCH COURAGE... WELL, GLASWEGIAN COURAGE, MANCUNIAN COURAGE...: Prepare yourself for a medium-sized Bravery UK tour this May:
Glasgow Barrowland (May 20)
Manchester, Academy (22)
Leeds Metropolitan Univeristy (23)
Bristol Academy (24)
Wolverhampton Wulfrun Hall (25)
Oxford Brookes University (27)
London Astoria (28)
Prepare yourself for the sing along by pre-ordering the debut album:
It's out on March 14th.
WHAT A DIFFERENCE A LUNG INFECTION MAKES:
"I don't think anything can kill me now, so the Camden shows will probably make me stronger" - Josh Homme, NME, this week
"QOTSA have cancelled their remaining European dates after Josh Homme was taken ill with a serious lung infection" - Drowned in Sound, this morning
So, it turns out Josh has decided that, actually, coughing up lung blood actually can kill him after all. Statement? Statement:
"We've toured with everything from broken ankles to bruised livers, but simply weren't prepared for this relentless attack of teeming bacteria. Our fans know that we ain't pussies and this is an obvious downer for everyone involved. All we really wanted to do was play our new tunes for everybody, and turn this "promo tour" into more of a party. So, for those of you with any unused tickets, hold on to them. We'll be back as soon as possible to make up these shows, and when we do, we'll have something special for all of you with an un-ripped ticket. We ain't in the habit of cancelling, and we don't forget."
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
WHAT THE POP PAPERS SAY: More Poll Time Fun
Welcome to DanceVine, a new title for Pop Papers - "your independent guide to social dance" it says, establishing itself as a refreshing alternative to, um, those unindependent social dance magazines like Vested Interest Dance. Although about dancing in general, it seems that if you want to get people waggling in modern Britain, you need to be doing salsa. Oxford Adult Education Department is even getting in on the scene, offering salsa classes in the college opposite the Ice Rink; meanwhile, it turns out that the biggest salsa night in the Thames Valley is held at the Basingstoke Conservative Club. I hope they realise that Salsa is an alien music form...
Back on more familiar ground, it's the Poll Issue of NME, which means one of those uneasy winner's parade covers: Alex Kapranos has his arm round Paul McCartney; McCartney has the look of someone who's just realised when this picture gets published he'll have been cuaght out in his "I can't come and watch you in Question Time, i've got to see my chiropractor" white lie; while Brandon Flowers embraces Noel Gallagher with all the enthusiasm of a work experience boy asked to clean the kennels. Noel, meanwhile, just looks weatherbeaten; a great loss to the gang sat outside the bus shelter drinking vinegar.
There's a CD, by the way, which is a winner's one - yeah, it has Green Day, but there's also Streets, Franz Ferdinand, Bloc Party... that's pretty good; it almost makes you not notice that the magazine has gone up ten pence and is now at £1.90.
There's photo coverage of the Towers of London's smashing up a venue. "[The bouncers] told us to stop but we're punk rock stars, we're not going to stop for no bouncers. We carried on because the kids were loving it..." Yes, Dirk, the kids were loving it. But what about the poor sods who had to clear up after? Or the bands who'll find it that little bit harder to persuade places to book them? Punk rock was never about smashing things mindlessly.
Jack White has now turned into Steve from Placebo. It's true, I'm afraid.
Peter Robinson interviews Ozzy Osbourne, and slips in a sly question about how it could be that a guy with a ladder could get past the Osbourne's security to wind up in their bedroom. Apparently they'd "just got back from America" - ah, so that would explain it, then; most security systems won't work if you haven't had a chance to unpack your suitcases. Ozzy then conjures up this image: "I was naked so I was lucky he wasn't gay and didn't jump back in and fuck me in the arse." How did you know he wasn't gay, Ozzy? But, yes, just imagine how sickening it would be if the guy had had sex with one of you and stolen a necklace. Insult to injury.
The Mitchell Brothers - first signing to the Streets label - are starting to realise that, just maybe, they've chosen a duff name: "When people hear our name they think 'Phil and Grant' but we aint no clowns. We're not corny and this is serious." Which makes it a really, really duff name for a great act. Let's hope it doesn't sink 'em.
Talking of which, British Sea Power pop up to Grasmere to do a gig, with James Jam making a pretty good case for them having been ahead of their time - guerilla gigs, intelligence, clubs; all the things which are so modish now, they've been doing for years.
Amongst the awards souveniers: Dita Von Teese calls her husband "Manson", like the sort of woman you used to find in the Home Counties who'd come back from Kenya at Independence who'd only refer to their spouses by their surname. Apparently "Manson" gets really jealous - almost as if he thinks Dita could do much better for herself.
Edith Bowman is starting to look like Shelly from Corrie. I'm sorry, but she is. I wonder if Colin Murray plays mind games with her? "If you want to spend time with that crew from Five Live, fine, I just hoped you'd be a little more... loyal. That's all."
Matt from Muse wants to play gigs so huge he'll need a helicopter to get in to them.
GLC turned up - if everyone gets fifteen minutes, they're well into injury time now, surely? Their jokes don't even make sense: "this tablecloth's been on and off more often than my missus' vibrator" - eh? What does that mean?
McCartney tries to sidestep the Doherty "hero or villain" question before settling on "hero I suspect" - raising the possibility that Pete could follow Paul's career arc. One day we might be able to buy unpleasant ready meals branded Kate Doherty's. Although somehow I suspect we shant.
Noel is apparently considering 'The Ear Has No Memory' as a name for the Oasis album, which sounds like one of Miles Kington's Albanian Proverbs: something which sounds profound at first, but actually are totally meaningless.
Tucked away under a picture of Fearne Cotton is the phrase "the time team (ie NME's sister magazine Uncut) - we don't think we've ever seen the NME claim kinship with Uncut in that way before; we wonder if they're thinking of resurrecting the branding mistake when they tried to pass Vox off as "the NME monthly."
reviews
live
eastern lane - london astoria - "like puppets being torn to pieces by a seven headed cerebus"
the rakes - camden koko - "put their songs on display and torture them for our pleasure"
patrick wolf - london borderline - "pretty darn cute"
willy mason - chalk farm enterprise - "simple folk melodies"
albums
kaiser chiefs - employment - (is it just us, or do the Chiefs look a little too like Menswear for comfort?) - "every track could be a single", 8
mars volta - frances the mute - "doesn't do much ELP and even Led Zep didn't achieve", 7
the house of love - days run away - "nothing here comes close to the early work", 5
tracks
totw - the bravery - an honest mistake - "ever so-slightly homosexual"
ambulance ltd - stay where you are - "an organic alternative to prozac"
britney spears - do something - "perfunctory"
And finally: next week they're promising a poster of Noel Gallagher. In 2005. Who for, exactly?
FARRAKHAN, THE COLONEL CAN'T: Russell Simmons seems to have set himself as today's civics lesson in moral equivalence. He's joined the boycott of KFC over the company's frankly shabby treatment of its chickens - although, as a vegan, he's not really turning his back on much there.
But at the same time, he's created a storm by shooting commercials calling for an end to anti-Semitism. You'd think that would make the anti-defamation league happy, right? Erm... no; they're a bit pissed off that Simmons refuses to withdraw his support for Louis Farrakhan. They have:
...called for Simmons to "publicly distance himself" from the teachings of Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan, who they say has "a long record of anti-Semitism".
The ADL issued a statement that reads "While it is important that the public be informed and educated about the current state of anti-Semitism in the world, it is unfortunate that one of those promoting this campaign is Russell Simmons."
The statement goes on to say that "It is hypocritical for Mr. Simmons to lead a charge against anti-Semitism while failing to denounce manifestations of anti-Jewish hatred within his own community."
it's unknown if KFC are going to run a campaign to suggest that Simmons objects to them because of their kosher mashed potato.
GOD CONSIDERS REVISING HIS 'MORE HAPPY ABOUT SINNERS REPENTING' POLICY: What's interesting about the news that Brian 'Head' Welch has quit Korn to spend more time with his Saviour is not so much the reaction of metallers, but the way the Christians have reacted to finding Welch hammering on their holy doors. There seems to be some fear he might let Fred Durst into the cathedral:
I remember being in Korn's dressing room drinking beers with Korn and other bands. I use to working for bands like Limp Bizkit and also I helped run Korn's offical chat room. I have pictures of Brian and I drinking up together. He would get pretty drunk almost nightly. I really am glad he has found Jesus. I hope it's a true faith and that I will see him again in heaven. I don't blame him one bit for leaving. The bands lyrics and lifestyle are about as unmoral as one can get. I should know, I seen and heard it first hand. I'm still praying for Jonathan Davis by the way, that guy has been through a lot emotionally and is a very quiet person in real life. I hope he finds rest in Jesus for the pain he's in [...] I just e-mailed one of Brian's pastors a long letter for him to pass on to Brian. I'm praying, and I hope you'll pray as well, that this may open some doors. I would like to encourage Brian on his new walk but also this could lead me to getting in contact again with Fred Durst (lead singer of Limp Bizkit). I only knew him when I was a nonchristian. We were close enough where I had his home phone and he would call me at home every now and then. It's been years though since we talked. He's always been searching for the truth and has had a lot of issues to deal with in his life. I would love to talk to him about Christianity. It's something I have thought about for 3 years. It may be that God is now answering that prayer and giving me the chance. Thanks for anyone taking the time to pray about this.
Blimey, it seems that nearly everyone in nu-metal is heading Jesuswards. Except Fred Durst. What we don't quite understand is, if being in Korn is so bad, why aren't the Christians praying for the others to leave rather than the one who's found God already?
PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GLASS BOXES SHOULD BE CAREFUL WHEN CHANGING THEIR PANTS: Oh, for God's sake shut up, Usher:
"It's easy for people who don't know me to criticise me, but there's more to my life than people will ever know."
"If people think my life is totally amazing and perfect, they should take a good look."
"I sort of live in a glass box. Everything happens in front of other people. When I break up with my girlfriend, everybody has to know about it."
"I try to stay positive, but sometimes I've got to smile when I don't feel like smiling."
We've spoken to our people, and they've confirmed that, actually, nobody is forcing Usher to be rich and famous. Quite the contrary, in fact, as there is a Church in Newfoundland which runs a non-stop prayer vigil trying to end Usher's fame. So, if you don't like it Usher, there's a really simple answer. Stop courting it. Happy now?
A DARK DAY FOR NUMBERS BANDS: First, Blink 182 go on hiatus; then it's announced that isotope 217 have reached the end of the road. And there's been some mumbling that Eve 6 are looking a bit peaky...
Who Stole The i-Walkman- Japanese import edition
IF MY HEART BLED ANY MORE, I'D NEVER GET THE STAIN OUT MY SHIRT: It must be really tough being a music industry boss - during the bad times, it's fairly easy to attack "threats" like cassettes and peer-to-peer networkers; but in the good times? You really want to sit down, swig a glass of champagne and order up some fresh hookers, but you can't; you still have to make with the miserables, because otherwise the pursing of 70 year old women for money they don't owe might start to look a little vindictive. So Andrew Lack, CEO of Sony-BMG had to try and paint a gloomy picture during the two-into-one major's Grammy party:
"The industry has tough years in front of it. I don't think it's going to get suddenly much better," Lack told The Associated Press. "The industry has really been hurt, and it isn't because there isn't great music. This year is strong, and yes we got a little uptick. But the strength of the music was not reflected in the real sales that we should have had[...] don't want to be a cold shower on a night when we are all celebrating but the reality is the business is still really tough for us."
Normally, we just snort that the executive is lying through his teeth, but let's give him the benefit of the doubt and say, instead, we actually agree with some of his analysis. First, the "hurt" done to the industry wasn't totally down to three or four years of shit music - although, of course, that played a major role: when you're pretending that Usher and Nelly are the match for Thriller-era Michael Jackson, say, you know that your entire range has been downgraded in quality, and of course that's going to hurt.
But the industry has had a tough time recently beyond having relied on shoddy product. See? Common ground with Lack. Where we probably diverge is on the reasons - he'll have you believe that it was evil downloaders stealing from his cornpile, whereas we'd, of course, point to the massive sales of DVD as being one of the challenges the industry has faced, and, of course, the taking over five years to actually offer any proper form of online sales as having cost the industry millions and millions in lost revenue. But that, of course, would mean Lack and the others would have to admit that their management has failed and probably should be offering his resignation. (Hey... have you got stocks or a scheme that invests in the music industry? Wouldn't it be fun to ask them why they've wasted your money?)
No, Lack trots out the same tired old 'blame the downloaders' schtick. Of course, to complain about the number of people sharing files after a year or so of RIAA legal action would be tantamount to standing up and saying "That really hasn't worked", so Lack has prepared a new complaint: Napster and LimeWire might not be a threat directly any more, but they've damaged the very basis of civil life:
"They're [The Supreme Court] going to be looking at whether in fact, these services have really undermined basic principles in this country that have for 200 years protected artists, writers, producers. I think they're going to see it our way."
Yes, them damn computers have altered the relationship that the founding fathers created between the effective monopoly of a Music Industry Cartel and the artists for the release of records. It's interesting that the music industry is keen to keep things just the way they are, except when the changes are being made in their favour - that the period of copyright was enshrined at the birth of the nation didn't seem to bother them overmuch when they were lobbying for an extension, for example.
It's also disappointing but not surprising that the Associated Press allowed Lack to get away with his "they're gonna see it our way" claim without a challenge. The US Circuit Court of Appeals didn't see it their way. The lower courts didn't see it their way. When Sony were taken to court by Universal City Studios in 1984 in a similar battle over Betamax videos, the Supreme Court saw it Sony's way - or rather, Sony's way when they owned the technology; the opposite way Sony see it when they own the copyright. (Interestingly, if the Supreme Court do agree with Sony this time round, it's possible Universal Studios could bring a legal action against Sony for twenty years' loss of movie revenues, which would be hilarious).
POOL EMPTIED SLIGHTLY: The actual start of the Michael Jackson trial got a little closer yesterday as the prosecution and defence used their right of arbitrary objection to dump twenty potentials - including a karaoke fan (well, can you imagine what he'd be like when the jury are sequestrated?) and a cheerleader. The cheerleader once did a routine to a Jackson song, which was enough for the prosecution to assume she would be biased. The defence objections took out a bloke who had friends in law enforcement and two mothers.
The jury pool is now down to 221, and today they'll have a dance contest to thin it down further.
Meanwhile, Judge Melville has been insisting that Jackson really was ill last week:
"Mr. Jackson really was sick. He really did have the flu. I talked to his doctor," Melville said. "I wouldn't let anyone take advantage of us that way."
But as Jay Leno pointed out last night, it's very unusual for someone who had been so sick he had to be hospitalised to then turn up a couple of days later with his head out a car window...
IT MUST BE PUBERTY: Has it really been a decade since Blink 182 started to annoy the world? Whatever, the world's longest adolescence has come to an end with the news that Blink 182 are going on indefinite hiatus (that's "splitting up", Blink 182 fans):
"For over a decade, blink-182 has toured, recorded and promoted non-stop all while trying to balance relationships with family and friends. To that end, the band has decided to go on an indefinite hiatus to spend some time enjoying the fruits of their labors with loved ones."
In possibly unconnected news, scientists at a lab in Nevada reported that the collective IQ of the planet jumped by ten per cent yesterday.
WE'LL NOT HOLD OUR BREATH: Interesting that this morning's Daily Express - part of the Red Hot 40+ Wives media group - is reporting that Robbie Williams is going to work with the Scissor Sisters. We find ourselves wondering if maybe this is Robbie's revenge for Jake Shears' calling out of him on the gay question. "If Jake says I'm gay and threatens my credibility, I'll say he's working with me and totally tank his..."
FRESH MEAT: There's a new Meat Beat Manifesto album due at the end of May, with the addition of Peter Gordon on flute.
IF IT'S NOT SMACK, IT'S BLOWS: Repaying the magistrate's trust in him, Pete Doherty used his evening pass from bail conditions to have a fight with Babyshambles guitarist Patrick Walden during the Brixton Academy gig.
The gig had got off to a bad start, with the crush of car-crash looky-loos and Shambles fans so heavy security stopped the gig to do a "move back" rotuine. A couple of songs later, according to the BBC, Doherty accidently unplugged Walden's guitar, leading to the fight. Bouncers separated the pair, but after a cooling off period, the band managed to get the end of their set without fighting each other any more. On stage.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Z V R: The mace-sprayin' end to the Jay-Z /R-Kelly tour has spawned it's inevitable countersuit. While R was suing Jay for having him thrown off the tour in a constructive dismissal style, Jay Z is now suing R Kelly right back atcha. Kelly wants 90 Million dollars; Jay Z is counter-claiming that... well, first of all that Kelly is caught up in a bunch of lawsuits because of his somewhat young girl habit (although, Jay, it's not like you didn't know that when you agreed to go on tour, is it?); that Kelly wanted to do the tour to try and settle some of spirally legal costs; and then insisted on extra dates for more cash. Then he went and booked staff for the tour who were rubbish; didn't turn up for rehearsals and then goofed around playing basketball when he did; pissed about on his comedy sketch routines; played like shit when the tour started; got grumpy when he was made to drop his pisspoor comedy bits; turned into a "weeping emotional wreck" and threw temper tantrums.
Then his behaviour became odd. In St Louis, he punched a guy and left the venue "in a people mover" to go and work in a McDonalds. And on and on it goes. The Smoking Gun has it in full. At least, that's Jay-Z's tale.
THE NO'JAYS: After twenty years, the first big alt-country band The Jayhawks have brought their business to a graceful close. Rounding off a three week tour which saw original singer Mark Olson back in the band for the first time in a decade, the band has decided it's run its course. Other singer Gary Louris told a passing local paper:
"I don't think we're going to do anything else. We felt like we've done that enough. Everybody just wants to do something else. We haven't completely closed the door, but … I'd say it's dead."
Louris' interests in other things may be down to his having spent time hanging out with the Dixie Chicks.
NOT THE REAL DEAL: Legal trouble for Ozzy Osbourne as an Illinois Osbourne fan hits Epic with a lawsuit over remasters of The Blizzard of Ozz and Diary of a Madman. The music lover, Anthony Wester, bought the two records only to discover that the April 2002 versions of the album hadn't simply been remastered, but had the original drum and bass tracks from Lee Kerslake and Bob Daisley with the percussive work of Robert Trujillo and Mike Bordin, who were Ozzy's percussion dudes at the time.
To put this in context, Kerslake and Daisley were suing Osbourne at this point for unpaid royalties; dropping them from the remasters looks to have been a move to try and save a few bucks. As with most great money saving ideas, it looks like it could end up costing more in the long run. Wester wants his money back - and he wants money back for everyone who bought the record thinking they were getting one thing, only to find quite another.
MR. GALLAGHER, YOU'RE SPOILING US: It's hard to imagine that the new Oasis album will be anything other than a bunch of splodge produced by two blokes who live a softy lifestyle hob-nobbing with the pretty and vapid, but let's give Noel the benefit of the doubt for just a moment.
No, sorry, everytime we try to clear our mind to pretend that Oasis have any relevance to modern life, we find ourselves thinking about lemurs instead. Anyway, here's Noel who has finally finished the sixth album:
Describing the past year as “difficult”, Gallagher said: “Not difficult in that everyone’s been feeling down about things, just frustrating that we thought we got to the finishing line, but when it came to it, it just wasn’t worthy of putting out.”
You see, you could suggest that that proves there's still a really strong rock heart that burns in Noel's chest, not prepared to put out a substandard album.
Sorry, though, it doesn't, does it? It really suggests that the band are so surrounded by 'yessir, mister noel, sir' licker-ups that they didn't realise how poor their two year's work was until it got heard by the outside world. They're like the Royal Family, caught in their own version of reality that is perfect until you ask someone from the world everybody else lives in it join it.
He added: “The longer that we took to do the album, the better it had to be because of the time from the last one. When it was two years, we asked was it good enough after two years of fucking about and now we have to ask if it’s good enough after three years.”
But this time, things are clearly going to be different. They wouldn't stick out a stinker after having had to scrap one... no, it's no good...
... he's back.
You know what? Noel could do a lot worse than listen to The Real People to pick up some tips for the album. I'm sure they'd be happy to help out.
music oasis noel gallagher
FREE! THE OUTLAWS!: As part of their effort to make the world a little bit better, The Outlaws are making the Too Many Fools Following Too Many Rules mix available for free; the deal being if you like it, you make a small contribution to the DEC Tsunami appeal. You get some great music, they pick up some fans, and a little bit of good is done for the tsunami victims. Everyone's happy. Download off of ilovetheoutlaws.com.
MOLKO AND PETE TONG ON HAND FOR WHEN IT ALL GOES, UH, PETE TONG: Since it's almost certain there'll be another parade of natural and man made disasters over the coming years, a bunch of guys - oddly, Pete Tong, Brian Molko and former taxman and Lib Dem peer Lord Newby - have come together to form a kind of musical Disasters Emergency Committee - a perpetual Band Aid on standby. they're calling it the Playing Live Foundation. Molko said in that butt-tucky tasty voice of his:
"We wholeheartedly support the great fundraising efforts of Playing Alive in response to the humanitarian disasters in Darfur and elsewhere in Sudan."
SHIFTING SIX: COLLINS OUT, LAMMO IN: Starting from April, there's changes afoot at 6Music, as Steve Lamacq displaces former NME colleague Andrew Collins from the teatime show. Lamacq takes the weekdays at 4 o'clock slot while Collins is sent to the digital radio Siberia of Sunday afternoons and some sort of chart show.
The Ridiculously Gaunt Lammo is excited by the shift:
"Hopefully the new show won't be too po-faced or serious - and it certainly won't just be me and a bunch of old indie records.
Which is a pity, as we'd quite like just him and a bunch of old indie records. Except the Kingmaker ones, obviously.
Meanwhile, controller Lesley Douglas is pointing out the opportunity in the new slot for Andrew Collins:
"I am very excited about Andrew's new shows. He has a mind which can turn to anything - from music to television, from art to trivia - something that listeners will be able to enjoy in his new Sunday show."
In other words, it's very exciting that instead of being able to enjoy his company for fifteen hours a week, we can get that pressed down into just three.
Buyable: Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now - in which Andrew Collins travels to Jersey a lot; commits a minor sexual crime; and fails to move out of Halls of Residence
music 6Music andrew collins steve lamacq
LEE RYAN: A TOUGH CHOICE: Young Lee might be about to "throw a Borrell" and cry off the Blue tour with a bad voice:
The Sun reports that Blue's upcoming tour is in trouble due to Lee Ryan's throat condition. "Lee had tests on Friday," a source revealed. "He wants to do the tour but can't risk ruining his voice forever. There's a strong chance the tour will be called off this week." (from Popdirt)
I'm sure I speak for all the nation when I say "Lee, do the tour. It's a risk that's more than worth taking. And even if you do ruin your voice, it's not like you're damaging something important like your arse, is it?"
TO UPDATE CHURCHILL: A rumour will be snaking round the globe on a T1 connection while the truth is still struggling to plug in its dial-up modem: Now, there's a (clearly false) response to the Cher 'disses' Britney and J-Lo story. If you've not had a chance to scan the page today, you may have missed that Cher wisecracked she was quitting because of J-Lo and Britney, and - in a phrase it's impossible to say without a tongue in your cheek - said "yeah, they're hoes, aren't they?" Now comes the "response":
A rep for Britney Spears and Jennifer Lopez responded to a report that Cher referred to both as hoes during a concert in Auckland, New Zealand on Sunday night. "For someone who has had their fair share of bad press, it is surprising she would comment on two women she hardly knows," the rep told The New York Post.
Obviously, this is bollocks - who, exactly, would represent Jennifer Lopez and Britney Spears? It's like saying "the guy who does Foreign Affairs for both the Iranian government and the Dutch said..." - so it's a made-up quote, but even so, didn't whoever said it suddenly get to the bit about "fair share of bad press", pause a moment, chuckle and go "oh, I get it..."?
THAT WAS MY IDEA: The most puzzling thing about the sudden appearance of a writ claiming Britney and the studios stole the script for Crossroads is: what took Christopher Merrill so bloody long to notice? It's not like it's the most complex story in the world, and yet Merrill appears to have taken three years to spot the "shocking similarities" between Crossrodas and his own film script, Dream Alive. (Merrill, according the IMDB, has never had any of his work actually made into movies or anything, so it's kind of odd that the reports describe him as a screenwriter - until someone makes a movie, it's just paperwriter).
Personally, if we'd written a film and the only difference between it and a proper movie was the proper movie had Britney Spears in some flimsy tops in it, we'd keep quiet about it.
WE SELDOM NEED MUCH EXCUSE TO MENTION CERYS MATTHEWS: According to her official site, as well as guesting on Jonathan (a chat show hosted by former rugby player Jonathan Davies), she's taken part in the recording of a Welsh band-aid style tsunami benefit.
If you're in South Nashville, you can catch her playing a gig at The Basement on 8th Avenue on March 2nd.
IT'S A LEARNING CURVE: We're curious as to what the mistakes that Britney says she's learned from actually are. We'd like to make some suggestions:
* Never marry the loser the same night he proposes - wait at least until sunrise
* Next time someone offers you six million for sex, always ask for a photo before dismissing the offer out of hand
* Shagging Fred Durst doesn't make you feel any cooler, just itchier
* Spending all day wearing a skintight PVC catsuit? Plenty, plenty talcum powder
* When someone asks you for a photo for their "scrapbook", double check they don't mean "...as if I sell it to US, I'll be able to cut it off the front page and paste it in"
* For some reason, people will get the wrong idea if you dress like a schoolgirl and dance like a polegirl. Best to leave the tie off in future.
* Howard Stern: Watch the hands, the man's like an octopus
ALL ON HIS OWNSOME: In other I Love 2004 news, the possibly worst-kept secret in history has been confirmed now as fact. Try to look surprised when Carl Barat tells yuo he's signed a solo deal, won't you? He doesn't know we all know.
THE TWO-NIGHT ONE-OFF: Lock up your spoons, warns BBC News, as it announces Doherty to play one-off concert. That's one-off, except for last night, of course. Which they even talk about in the report.
THE HUMOUR DOESN'T SEEM TO HAVE TRAVELLED: The Sun don't quite seem to have got the very real possibility that, when Cher said she was quitting because of the "young girls coming out like Britney and J Lo" and then, in response to the crowd booing, cackled "I know, they're hoes, aren't they?", she was actually joking. You know, maybe she wasn't sitting astride a giant gun at the time, but we don't think Cher has any illusions about her own stage act, guys.
