SPOUSE SURFING: At first glance, it might look like Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony doing a duet for the Grammys looks like a husband riding firmly on the coat-tails of the wife. But actually - since Anthony is actually in with a serious chance in two categories - it's probably more the other way around...

DOHERTY KEEPS DATE; PRAISED: The uselessness of Pete Doherty means that simply turning up to a place he promised to be and on time warrants some sort of round applause these days. Anyway, he showed up for the Goffey-Lowe-Morton-Ifans benefit for Children of Tsunami, which raised two grand for, um, children of the tsunami.

ROCK SICK LIST: Kings of Leon have axed their Japanese mini-tour because they discovered that the story that you could buy used schoolgirl's knickers from vending machines on street corners wasn't true at all. Or maybe because Caleb injured his arm. Or perhaps because of the mysterious message left on their answerphone saying "Hey, beardy, Badtz-Maru gonna kick your ass."

AND AWAY WE GO...: Probably not very much surprise in the decision by Mis-Teeq to stop flogging that dead horse and move on.



We're kind of surprised to discover they've been going eight years, although they've been progressively less fun with each one that passed. The individual members all hope to pursue solo careers, just as soon as anyone can remember any of their names.

SCHOOL OF GRUNGE: If you're looking for a fundraiser for your school, it might help if you've got a impressive list of former pupils to ring round. Seattle's Northwest School has got a head start over most, boasting a Presidents of The USA drummer and a Pearl Jam guitarist. The Concert for the Northwest School might be a little grunge-heavy as a result, but it sure beats the guy from the PTA with the accordion.

SOME FURTHER CLARITY: Just before Christmas, there was an odd moment when Snoop Dogg launched a lawsuit which said little more than I Never, and if she says I did then she's a LIAR. And the world just went "Eh? Oh... right" and pretended to be interested in a poster about ticket sales on the wall instead. Now, though, we know what it is Dogg says he never did: Kylie Bell claims she was drugged and rapped by Snoop and his buddies backstage at the Jimmy Kimmel show. Bell is suing the production company as well, saying they "knew that sexually oriented misconduct ... was reasonably foreseeable". Oh, and Disney and ABC into the bargain. According to legal papers, an ABC subsidiary has been paying Bell's expenses since she came forward in May 2003. The assault is alleged to have happened on January 31st, 2003, but the legal action has been sparked after Snoop's insurance company refused to settle his side of an out-of-court agreement. Wait a minute: Snoop has rape insurance?

IT'S TWINS!: There have been rumours, hints and a certain pile of over-excitement, but now it's official: The Cocteau Twins are reuniting for Coachella. Liz Fraser did make a statement, but it was all sort of "woooooaaaaIIIIIIIIeeeeeooowwwooo", so instead we'll give you Robin Guthrie's:

"Ah, the official announcement. Many apologies to all who tried to get confirmation from us about this...We weren't teasing, it's just that nothing could be announced before the damn thing was confirmed....So, who's going?"

DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS, JANICE?: It's time for the NME Awards 2005 shortlist - you'll already have voted once, of course (although judging by Morrissey's appearance in the Best Dressed shortlist, some of us have vote more than once, haven't we, Stephen?); now you get a chance to vote again, to decide the overall winner and to ensure that justice is done. The shortlists in full:

Best British Band
Kasabian
Snow Patrol
Muse
Franz Ferdinand
The Libertines

We're always a little surprised that Muse have the heft to always turn up in polls like this, even in years when they don't do much. Or maybe Matt Bellamy just has an enormously thick folder of journalist's secrets.

Best International Band
The Killers
Kings Of Leon
The Strokes
U2
Scissor Sisters

The Kings of Leon v U2, of course, pitches the tour buddies against each other - although Bono probably won't mind missing out on this one, just so long, heh heh, as the Leons don't turn up on his Nobel Peace Prize shortlist...

Best Solo Artist
Morrissey
Graham Coxon
The Streets
Ian Brown
Eminem

At the time of the Brit shortlist, we pondered if The Streets really are a solo artist - more a fluid collective arranged around a fixed point. But there's not a category for that. The inclusion of Eminem here seems to be designed to make it an odd one out contest.

Best New Band
Bloc Party
The Killers
Razorlight
Kasabian
Babyshambles

The way things are going, it's likely half the bands in the list will have been former bands by the time the gongs are given out. It should be a Bloc Party shoo-in, but Razorlight fans - we suspect - are being drilled right now to ensure their not-stage-frightened heroes take the prize.

Best Live Band
Muse
Razorlight
The Libertines
Franz Ferdinand
Babyshambles

Surely Babyshambles, with their turn up or not attitude, can't really be eligible for this category? They might win on Best Live Performance, but the title here is meant to reward consistency, isn't it?

Best Album
The Libertines - The Libertines
Scissor Sisters - Scissor Sisters
Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand
Green Day - American Idiot
The Streets - A Grand Don't Come For Free

Libs v Franz v Streets, then, the same as virtually every year-end poll so far; it might be amusing to see the Scissor Sisters sweep in and pick up the title. Are we still pretending Green Day have something to offer anyone with an IQ that can outsmart a sponge?

Best Track
U2 - Vertigo
Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out
The Libertines - Can't Stand Me Now
Razorlight - Golden Touch
The Streets - Dry Your Eyes

I've yet to meet anyone - either online, or in that fleshy, swishy real life that some of you know about - who thinks that Vertigo is a track that stands up alongside U2's back catalogue. That it had turned up here is a real insult to a load of brilliant singles whose oxygen it has swallowed and taken. Take Me Out was a great single, but it's surely got to be Dry Your Eyes - if only for proving that Number One records can still, sometimes, do more than provide an excuse for flogging a ringtone.

Best Live Venue
Birmingham Academy
Brixton Academy
Glasgow Barrowlands
London Astoria
Manchester Academy

Choose which large, soulless, corporate-sponsored supermarket you want here: although, at least, Brixton Academy does look kind of cool inside.

Best Live Event
Glastonbury
Carling Weekend
T In The Park
V2004
Download

Download? Download? Talk about being on Earth to make up the bloody numbers. Reading-Leeds is probably going to lose some votes because it's hidden under that name which nobody - nobody at all - uses for it. Eavis must be buffing the prize already; V2006 might be worth a bet.

Best Video
The Streets - Fit But You Know It
Interpol - Evil
Eminem - Mosh
Beastie Boys - Triple Trouble
Green Day - American Idiot

A tricky old category, mainly because we don't really care. None of the videos have really made much of an impression on us.

Best TV Show
Little Britain
Peep Show
Gonzo
The Mighty Boosh
Green Wing

We smell some sort of background campaign to get The Boosh into the starting trap here - or maybe the number of votes for Little Britain just meant that the rest of the set was more or less random.

Best Radio Show
Zane Lowe
Chris Moyles
Steve Lemacq (sic)
Christian O'Connell
Colin Murray and Edith Bowman

Interesting that the NME can't spell its own graduate; it would be depressing, but every ounce of our depress muscles are being used on the Moyles/O'Connell/Bowman & Murray triumverate.

Best Film
Shaun Of The Dead
Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
Spiderman 2
School Of Rock
Lost In Translation

Isn't it so sweet that there aren't any more Lord of the Bloody Rings movies, eh?

Best Website
www.thelibertines.org.uk
www.morrissey-solo.com
www.muse.mu
www.nme.com
www.u2.com

U2.com probably stank in its own kitchen with that ticket-flogging screw-up last week: the music poll equivalent of being caught selling kids to buy smack three days before polls open. Of course, although nme.com should really be ineligible it's the best of a limited focus offering.

Hero Of The Year
Carl Barat
Bono
Pete Doherty
Morrissey
John Peel

We imagine that Peel will win, as it seems fitting for there to be a recognition of some sort in this year's poll results; but for actual heroism, Carl Barat deserves the title - taking the firm line on Pete's addicition, telling him to choose, took guts, and if a few others around Doherty had been as brave, we might not be all kicking our heels waiting for the tragic last act.

Villain Of The Year
Tony Blair
George Bush
Pete Doherty
Justin Hawkins
Wolfman

That would be the world in a nutshell: some people are angry that people will lie to an electorate, railroad voters, enter into illegal wars and allow oil prospectors to go where the hell they like in Alasaka. Others don't like a man who wears a catsuit.

Sexiest Man
Carl Barat
Pete Doherty
Brandon Flowers
Alex Kapranos
Morrissey

We know the Royal Mail is rubbish, but it must be bad if it's taken them since Morrissey was sexy to get the forms back to Kings Reach Tower. Alex is kind of cute, but would anyone really want to throw him onto his back and ensure he can never wear his trousers again? And Carl... we might, if we really needed a bed, but...

Sexiest Woman
Brody Dalle
Charlotte Hatherley
Ana Matronic
Karen O
Gwen Stefani

The godlike Charlotte Hatherley makes even discussion of this category pointless (even although we bet Stefani takes the crown).

Best Dressed
Carl Barat
Pete Doherty
Brandon Flowers
Alex Kapranos
Morrissey

Kapranos. Obvious, innit?

Worst Dressed
Pete Doherty
Goldie Lookin Chain
Har Mar Superstar
Justin Hawkins
Britney Spears

GLC dress like that on purpose, so don't count.
Har Mar dresses like that on purpose, so doesn't count.
Pete Doherty has to win, if only for that stupid bloody hat - the last person to wear a hat like that was, if we recall, Ralph, the villain from the first series of Tucker's Luck.

Worst Album
Busted A Present For Everyone
Embrace Out Of Nothing
Keane Hopes And Fears
Lostprophets Start Something
McFly - Room On The Third Floor

Busted and McFly do exactly what's asked of them, and - in Busted's case at least - do it rather well; and you could say the same for Embrace and Keane. Which leaves Lostprophets. Nobody wants them to do it, and they don't care. Make them care.

Worst Band
Busted
The Darkness
Keane
Maroon 5
McFly

So much hatred for the Darkness this year isn't there? Let's hope Maroon 5 pick this one up, just so they know that there's some people who've seen through them.

Best Music DVD
Oasis - Definitely Maybe
The White Stripes - Live Under Blackpool Lights
Nirvana - With The Lights Out
Pixies - Pixies
Scissor Sisters - We Are Scissor Sisters And So Are You

The Pixies DVD. Their stuff has aged really well.

Go vote. You don't want Bush to come round an enforce voting on you, do you?

MR. BLOODY AFRICA: Bob Geldof is sick of being responsible for Africa, he whines to anyone who'll listen. Apparently not grasping that he's only got a platform because of his good deeds - not too many members of Darts get invited onto Newnight - Geldof complains that he really doesn't want to have to go to Africa again, or be "Mr. Bloody Africa", called upon to give an opinion on matters relating to the continent.

Oddly, it doesn't seem to have occured to him that he doesn't have to say yes. Or perhaps it has; maybe he feels that since Africa gave him fame and a pile of booksales, he owes it a debt. But if he really hates it so much, maybe it's time for him to hand over the reigns to someone else. There's nothing more damaging than charity given grudgingly.

Bob raises an interesting point, though:

He and U2 singer Bono, a fellow global campaigner, were "under no illusions" about their real vocation, he said.

"We have an ability to articulate the great wound of the 21st Century, and have access to politicians. But would Bono prefer to do this or be in U2? Hello?"

Actually, to be honest, Bono seems happier hanging out with Clinton and the heads of multinational companies than having to trudge through a few songs. Unless it's at a private party for the rich and powerful, of course.

A BAD WEEK FOR UNIVERSAL: It's bad enough that the business with Irv Gotti has left their interests in Murder Inc looking like a bit of a liability, but Universal are also getting grief from Puff Daddy over their relationship with Bad Boy Entertainment. Diddy is huffy that Universal hasn't put much oomph into marketing; Universal say they won't spend more until the label-ette starts to have some hits. Combs is said to be touring round what's left of the other major labels with a view to cutting a new deal.

DOES IT COUNT AS AN EXAMPLE IF NOBODY NOTICES?: The main justification for the RIAA's continued extortion-like use of writs against ordinary people is that it's meant to "educate" the public. But last week, another 717 lawsuits were filed, and barely anyone even mentioned it. Since the prospect of suing everyone who does dubious things with music on the net is a mathematical impossibility, that the court cases haven't reversed the use of unlicensed music online, and they're no longer attracting enough attention to count as an anti-piracy marketing campaign, why on earth is the organisation proceeding with its vindicitive campaign? A lousy idea remains a lousy idea, even if you carry on with it after it's been proved to be a lousy idea - something, surely, Geri Halliwell's career demonstrates time and again.

<>KIM BLOCKED BY COUNCIL GUY: Kim Wilde was due to go and present an award to a group of Manchester residents. They'd been awarded a prize by the Commission for Architecture and the Built Environment, CABE, for the piece of Hulme land enjoyed by children as a nature reserve. Suddenly, though, Roger Jackson, a non-elected official at the City Council's Regeneration South body. Jackson's problem, apparently, was that he was afraid drawing attention to the land 's value as an environmentally important site in the inner city might screw with Regeneration South's plans to flog the land off for development. Oddly, the residents - who Regeneration South are supposed to be serving - would rather have their nature reserve and Kim Wilde than some buildings. But Mr. Jackson won't be swayed.

SUDDEN HEART SHOCK: Last week's radio ratings have really thrown up a few flutters: Heart, which had been looking to overtake Capital in London, suddenly found itself in third place as EMAP's oldie format Magic did a surprise steam into second place - and just 0.1% of audience share behind the Capital behemoth itself.

Chrysalis shares plummeted in response, and in a desperate, panicked move, Jono Coleman has been dumped from breakfast. Coleman - a man who even a Care Bear would find it difficult to like - has been at the helm of the Heart's breakfast show since the end of the last century, and for a time had been doing quite well for audience, benefitting from Chris Tarrant's extended holidays and the presence of Doctor Fox at the Capital chair. Now there's other options, he's managed to lose a quarter of a million listeners. So he's being ousted to make way for Jamie Theakston. There are a lot of good reasons for employing Theakston - not least his knowledge of what forty quid can buy you in a late night London club - but these don't seem to have impressed Heart half as much as test marketing in key demographics.

In the other radio figures, Terry Wogan is now pulling in eight million listeners for the Radio 2 breakfast show. In part, this is due to Radio 2's positioning of itself as a younger, more aware station; but we can't help wondering if there's also been a benefit from the switch in the way pensions are paid. Before their cash became channelled through bank accounts, OAPs would start gathering in large numbers outside Post Offices
waiting for them to open; now, they'll all be at home instead. That's got to elp Tel's figures.

HAVING HIS DAY IN COURT: We've just been watching Channel 4 News' coverage of the first day proper of the Jackson trial; his fans manage to come across as even more potty than he does. Or rather, just insufferable: they may disagree with the opinion of a woman C4N were trying to interview (she was there to speak up for victims of child abuse) but standing beside her bellowing over the top of her isn't really making a point, it's just showing yourself up.

Not that there's as many supporters of Jackson as you might have been lead to believe - although they were expecting 5000 to turn up, only 200 actually showed up. Maybe the run of leaks have worked away some of his support over the last few months. Even so, Santa Maria hotels and rental properties are enjoying a mini-boom as journalists digging in for a long stay aren't in anything approaching short supply. Amongst them, casting an amused eye over the proceedings, is Peter Bowes, contributing a newsblog.

INDIE ROYALTY ATTEND SONIC CATHEDRAL: Emma from Lush, Russell from Chapterhouse and Sonic Boom - it's only an Alex James short of being a Slowdive guestlist, but in fact it's the line-up for the next Sonic Cathedral club night: February 24th at The Legion in London's busy Old Street.

Meanwhile, in her modern incarnation as Emma from Sing-Sing, album releases are being prepared: the new collection is due late spring/early summer and will be known to young and old alike as 'Sing-Sing and I'. A download single will hearald everything swinging into readyness.

FIRE! FIRE!: We've got a feeling that, as last year Franz Ferdinand were the next big thing, but Bloc Party was already warming up, so in 2005, Bloc Party are picking up the tips, but The Arcade Fire are the band whose name everyone will be dropping for certain in 2006. Anyway, they've just added a second show for London, on March 17th (ULU); they've sold out the Kings College date on the 8th.

The album Funeral is currently available on US Import and from 28th February on its UK release.

CROAKING: Johnny Borrell's laryngitis hasn't been helped by travelling on a plane so soon after diagnosis, and so Razorlight have had to cancel their UK tour as well as pulling those American dates. Although, of course, the illness - which Borrell described as "stagefright" in Denver has now mutated again into a "laryngitis type infection":

Singer, Johnny Borrell, developed serious problems with his voice whilst on tour in the US. The band were forced to cut short their North American dates, canceling the final sold-out show at Los Angeles's El Rey Theatre, whilst Johnny saw a specialist in Los Angeles.

He was diagnosed as suffering from a laryngitis type infection, administered anti-inflammatories and banned from singing for at least two weeks. Johnny immediately flew home to London to consult a second vocal specialist who confirmed his condition, put him on a course of medication and ordered complete rest.

Johnny, Björn, Carl, and Andy apologise for the inconvenience caused to all those coming to the shows and are keen to reschedule the sold-out six night run at Manchester Apollo, Glasgow Academy, and London's Alexandra Palace with as little delay as possible.

While Johnny is frustrated by his enforced silence he is determined to recover his vocal chords as fast as he can and promises to make the re-scheduled shows the most memorable rock'n'roll nights of the year.

THE JOY OF SELF-DELUSION: It's only a matter of time before bright red potato head Wayne Rooney is persuaded to make a record, so his ne'er do well family are already rushing to beat him to it. His girlfriend Colleen has been rumoured to be planning to get a singing career - even although she has the look of someone for whom a Saturday stint in a florists would be a stretch - and now James Rooney, a "lookalike cousin" has poked his potato-face round the door. James believes he is the UK's "answer to Justin Timberlake", and we have no doubt he is, in the same way that Rentokil is an answer to rats. He's threatening to release a cover of Bobby Brown's Two Can Play That Game, although Several Can Live Off One Person's Success might be more accurate.

MUSIC ISN'T ABOUT MUSIC, SILLY: What with endless rather poorly made programmes featuring people setting fire to farts, rappers showing off their 'homes', gaunt children trying to get on in houses in the city, pretty girls marrying dim boys and so on cluttering up their schedules these days, you might wonder if MTV had considered changing their name - it's hardly Music Television these days.

But you'd be wrong - apparently, it doesn't matter that MTV plays bugger all music these days, because it's never been about being able to watch music on television:

"You can get a music video online at Yahoo or a million other places, but you can't get the full experience that you can get with an MTV off-air experience," says Joe Armenia, VP of music marketing and promotion at MTV. "Being able to put the viewer in touch with the artist is one of the advantages MTV brings to the table."

So, it's Music Television because you might be able to win a contest and meet Beyonce - which is an interesting proposition that might prove attractive to Sky Sports. They don't need to keep shelling out for all those Premiership rights: they could just show old Harold Lloyd movies and bung in a chance to win tickets to Plymouth Argyle games during the ad breaks. Sure, some people might feel cheated, but it's still sports, right?

WHERE IS THY STING?: A little curiosity has turned up on Reuters: Stewart Copeland talking about a Police reunion - without Sting. That's, of course, second only in desirability to a Sting solo tour without Sting. Oddly, they're doing dates with Incubus...

GREAT WHITE PLEADS FIFTH: Jack Russell, the singer from Great White, has regused to answer civil suit allegations against him in cases rising out of the Providence nightclub fire set off by his band's pyrotechnic displays. Oddly, though, Rhode Island Attorney General's spokesperson Mike Healey says there are no plans to prosecute anyone not yet indicted for the fire - in other words, there should be nothing to stop Russell from helping the families to understand what happened to their loved ones.

DUMB LUCK: Together at last - McFly and Lindsay Lohan. The band, who still aren't as good as Busted even though Busted have ceased to exist, are going to have a small part in Lohan's film Just My Luck. Tom McFly is described in the script as being "cool and remarkably talented", but then he's described as a musician on his passport.

UNLIKELY NEWS REPORTS OF OUR TIME: We find it difficult to believe that Bono was humbled by meeting Bill Clinton - humble not being a thing we've ever seen any evidence of Mr. Vox managing. Perhaps "I decided I needed to adopt an air of false humility" wasn't such a pleasing soundbite.

Bono says of Clinton:

"I thought Clinton looked more like a pop star than I did. And I thought he might be thinking that, too."

So do we, Bono. And so does everyone. Because he does. You don't look like a pop star at all - you look like a chap trying to hold on to his youth by buying your sunglasses from the more expensive Boots range.

MORE THAN YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT MARIAH'S LOVELIFE: Mariah Carey - yes, the new album's getting near and so they're sloshing the publicity out again - has denied having a thing with a bloke at her new record company saying she doesn't want to be tied down in her relationships any more. That's going to come as a severe disappointment to the only people who care about her any more, as it closes down one of their favourite daydreams. Luckily, ours is unaffected - we just dream of her wearing a gag. Not for sex or anything just like that. No, Mariah wearing a gag is about the extent of it.

OH MY GOD, THERE'S MORE OF THEM: Aimee Osbourne was the one who didn't appear in the 'reality' TV show, of course, which suggests that she's at least got more sense than the others. She'd sat out the circus because she thought that taking part might harm her chances of being taken seriously as a singer in her own right. Now, though, she's judged the time right and is about to launch her career as a soul singer.

Curiously, although she thought appearing on TV with her family might damage her image when she came to release a single, she had no such qualms about doing this:



- yes, modelling with Paris Hilton. It's exactly what Nina Simone would be doing if she was alive, you know.

LESS 'WHO', MORE 'WHY?': We can only presume that Robert Stigwood finds himself living out the plot of Brewster's Millions. Because if he wasn't racing against the clock to burn through a big pile of cash, why would the producer of Tommy be looking to remake the movieas a USD400million cartoon with voices by Robbie Williams and Bono?

It wouldn't be the first time he'd returned to something he should have left alone: he produced the first Grease, which was, of course, wonderful. But then he decided to have a crack at Grease 2. He did the big-screen Jesus Christ Superstar, but couldn't help himself trying another Lloyd-Webber and inflicted Madonna's take on Evita upon us. He wasn't revisiting old territory when he did this, though:



The man who got The Bee Gees to make Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band should surely not be allowed to purchase any movie film ever again?

KYLIE IN THE COWSHED: This year's Paul McCartney in the "...but if we don't watch them, we can be on the road back to civilisation before anyone else..." Sunday slot at Glastonbury? Kylie, says the Mirror.

IT'S NOW AND FOREVER: After a brief hiccup to the plan, Elvis is back at number one. World leaders have rushed to congratulate him on his success:



And looking at this picture of Elvis shaking the hand of that upstanding character, Richard Nixon, we find ourselves idly wondering what happened to the plan to add downloads into the singles chart. Could it be that the scheme has been put on hold until after the parade of Elvis, as the sudden inclusion of records being bought by people under the age of 40 would swamp the "king" certainly out the top five and possibly out the top 10. But surely the chart companies wouldn't be colluding in a publicity stunt?

Talking of Elvis: this year's Elvis cash-in album, some sort of Valentine's collection, features an advert with people lip-synching Presley songs morphing in to one another. An original idea, and no less original for having been done by Godley and Creme twenty years ago. Or Michael Jackson. Or Pink.

STOP THIS NOW: While we're certain that they're so fresh out of ideas at Universal, they might be thinking "That Nikki Sanderson who plays Candice in Corrie was alright on Stars In Their Eyes, let's get her to make records. But presumably they've not been watching her day job close enough: is it really a good idea to try and make a pop star from someone who's character is little more than a pisstake of Victoria Beckham?

LOOK! HE'S HYPERCOOL: Now, while we can understand Kate Moss being upset by this widely circulated picture of a talented young man pissing his future away:



...but we're not sure we can quite understand her apparent reaction. Maybe The Sun misheard - perhaps it wasn't "it's drugs or me"; perhaps it was "keep drugs for me." Whatever, someone who has had experience of the model and rock worlds, and who has spent more than three minutes with Doherty is hardly likely to be surprised by a picture of him doing drugs, are they? It'd be like someone who works for Tesco being surprised that they were found to be the least ethical large company in Britain. But it fits the frankly incredible tabloid frame for this story, of druggy-rocker-fiend leading sweet-innocent-princess astray.