But "lesbian" isn't a bad word, Britney

Upset and alarms ringing over claims made by Omar Iceman Sharif in the current issue of Touch, where the friend of Federline mutters how he bets that Britney Spears is, you know, like, gay:

He went on to claim he and Kevin watched as Britney and her female pals romped together at their Malibu home.

Omar claimed: “They were friends of hers who she would invite to her house and they would drink and party.

“They had their hands all over each other.”

Actually, that's not really lesbianism, is it? That's just touching. Doubtless Iceman and Kevin would sometimes party, drink and - yes - even touch each other.

As if aware that Sharif sounds less like an eyewitness than someone talking about something he once imagined while knocking out a single shandy, Touch drags up an unnamed "insider":

The magazine, released in the US yesterday, also quoted “insiders” who told how Britney would often disappear with girls during her two-year marriage to Kevin, which ended in November.

One told In Touch: “Sometimes it was three girls, and sometimes there were more like six.

“I heard about her being with girls at least 20 times while they were married.”

Didn't we also hear about Federline being with girls at least 20 times while they were married, too?

The curiosity is that at least twenty occasions with as many as six girls - that's a bare minimum of 120 women, and yet none of them have popped up selling "I done it with Miss Britney" stories. Curious, huh?

Gina Orr, spokesman for Britney’s record label Jive, last night denied the star had ever indulged in lesbian romps.

She said in a terse statement: “It’s not true.”

There's some suggestion that this has all been cooked up to help Federline win custody of the children. But at times like this, you really need some cool-headed analysis. So, let's turn to Victoria Newton, shall we?

I knew the singer was up for a snog with a woman when she kissed MADONNA live on stage at the 2003 MTV awards. But these latest claims are quite shocking.

Shocking? Lesbianism and bisexuality shocks you, Victoria? Where did you go to school - 1845?

Still, well done you for spotting that Britney didn't mind kissing women by reading the subtle sign of her kissing a woman on television. Nothing gets past you, does it?