Britney: "back at work a little soon", then

Perhaps less interesting than all the photos of Britney Spears topless and so on, but the real question about the video shoot which reduced Britney to tears is: why? Why were they even making that video in the first place?

A pole-dancing theme? Good lord, was this the result of a brainstorming session which was trying to get in the Guinness Book of Records for fewest microseconds consideration?

After the video shoot - obviously, it didn't get finished, as Britney dissolved into tears and everyone got embarrassed and sent home - Spears tried to cop off with one of the extras.

Because, after all, the last time she pulled a back-up dancer - Federline - that went so well.

Mike Encinias is the - let's say lucky, shall we? - lucky man this time:

Mike says he kissed Britney after her assistant told him the singer wanted to "make out" with him.

He said: "She straddled me and put her legs around me.

"When I started kissing her I did everything in my power - from my previous experience of kissing girls - not to mess it up."

Is it just us, or is there something really odd about that phrase? My power comes from previous girl-kissing experiences?

Okay, we think he probably means he was trying not to look too excited - and, indeed, to not mess up, but even so.

So, with all his experience kissing girls, what did Mike make of this latest girl-kissing?

"Britney had more drinks - she was having Jack and more Mojitos in between me feeling her up, her boobs, and kissing her on her neck.

"Her body was very nice. It was sexual and sensual kissing. It took some effort to perfect.

"She is a great kisser - I'd actually say a phenomenal kisser."

This sounds less like the words of man who kissed someone who was once one of the most desired women on the planet - more like one of those machine-assembled emails which fail to convince you they've been sent by a real person.

"I shall use my experience of kissing girls to perfect this sensual kissing."

Just when Mike was looking forward to being Mr. Spears number 3, it all went wrong:

Mike was invited back to Britney's suite once the party was over at 4am.

He was planning to spend the rest of the night in her bed - until one of his friends collapsed and nearly drowned from all the booze he had downed.

Britney's bodyguards stepped in and ordered Mike to take his mate home.

There's always one, isn't there?

Oh, and we know you'll be worried:

American Mike kept his trunks on as straggly-haired Brit - who had a 1999 hit with Crazy - groped him.

So, that's alright, then.