Monday, September 01, 2008

Darkness at 3AM: I'll have cake

The 3AM Girls struggle with the concept of news:

At Dannii Minogue's recent house party was a giant stack of brightly coloured cupcakes.

But wait - there's more.
We're told all the guests, including big sis Kylie, were getting stuck in.

Person has cake at party - cakes eaten. Seriously, there's going to be firings at the FT that they missed breaking this story.

I know what you're thinking, though - the Daily Mirror wouldn't publish a story like this, not really, unless there was a real news angle. And, indeed, there is:
"They got icing all over their faces."

The 3AM Girls can't even be arsed to throw a "said a pal", or an "according to a shocked onlooker..." here. At the moment, it's unclear if the guests required hospitalisation for this face-covering of sugar, or if they merely wiped their chops with a napkin. We're waiting for CNN on this.

Naturally, though, you turn to the Mirror not just for this quality of reporting, but also the searing insight that the paper's commentary team can provide. The 3AM Girls don't let us down:
Sounds like our kind of party.

Really? The 3AM column's idea of a great party is mildly messy cake eating? We hear there's a kid called Charlie Spaniels who's having a party in McDonalds in Daventry today - you should get yourself there, 3AM. Not just cake - we're given to understand there was ice cream being spoken about as a serious possibility, too.


Jim W said...

Oh dear.

Want a half decent, real XRRF exclusive?

Arctic Monkeys, Klaxons, Mark Ronson and James Ford all turned up at the highest pub in England and jammed with British Sea Power, in front of a few hundred people. Before the famous people sat around looking grumpy in the countryside and the normal people got on with drinking and fun.

All at Tan Hill Inn of shit window fame ( as dogs, chickens and the occasional sheep wandered around the venue.

I these desperate times that's gotta be at least worthy of a side column?

simon h b said...

Well, that explains why they wanted the windows soundproofed, then...

James said...

Man alive, that 3AM story is spectacular. It's like some sort of horrible journalistic Whose Line Is It Anyway game. "Can I have a suggestion for a style of writing, please? Horoscope... Men Only Letters Page... Gossip column! That's good, we'll use Gossip Column. Now, we need a mundane event that you wouldn't normally read about..."

It's quite a contrast with the Sunday Mirror's gossip page yesterday, which seemed to contain an actual story - 'Showbiz Zoe' being physically assaulted by Kelly Osbourne, who'd taken offence at something she'd written. Still, Osbourne showed impeccable timing, what with the school year about to begin and many of her Sunday Surgery listeners probably contemplating calling her for advice on how to deal with bullies...

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