Darkness at 3AM: I'll have cake

The 3AM Girls struggle with the concept of news:

At Dannii Minogue's recent house party was a giant stack of brightly coloured cupcakes.

But wait - there's more.

We're told all the guests, including big sis Kylie, were getting stuck in.

Person has cake at party - cakes eaten. Seriously, there's going to be firings at the FT that they missed breaking this story.

I know what you're thinking, though - the Daily Mirror wouldn't publish a story like this, not really, unless there was a real news angle. And, indeed, there is:

"They got icing all over their faces."

The 3AM Girls can't even be arsed to throw a "said a pal", or an "according to a shocked onlooker..." here. At the moment, it's unclear if the guests required hospitalisation for this face-covering of sugar, or if they merely wiped their chops with a napkin. We're waiting for CNN on this.

Naturally, though, you turn to the Mirror not just for this quality of reporting, but also the searing insight that the paper's commentary team can provide. The 3AM Girls don't let us down:

Sounds like our kind of party.

Really? The 3AM column's idea of a great party is mildly messy cake eating? We hear there's a kid called Charlie Spaniels who's having a party in McDonalds in Daventry today - you should get yourself there, 3AM. Not just cake - we're given to understand there was ice cream being spoken about as a serious possibility, too.