Gordon in the morning: Snow day

With the country driving into a snow bank and deciding to stay home - except for moaning representatives of small business organisations, who seemed to have no problem getting to TV studios to whine that everyone was having fun instead of turning up to be laid off - would Gordon be able to cope? Or would there just be a skeleton gossip service running for Sun readers?

Today's lead suggests the latter:

HERE’S X Factor supremo SIMON COWELL in never-seen-before holiday snaps looking like dancefloor king JOHN TRAVOLTA.

Yes, today's Bizarre is as empty as the bread counter in the corner shop, as Gordon tries to make a story out of someone who found some old photos of Simon Cowell.

Melissa Zimmelstern was on holiday in the same resort and is pictured with Simon. She found the snaps while rooting around in a box full of old holiday albums in her loft.

That noise? Oh, that's the wailing of Fiona Bruce, distraught at the loss of a chance of such a valuable artifact from the Antiques Roadshow.

Luckily, of course, there is an full overseas staff of celebrities able to keep things churning over. If nobody turns up to do anything interesting in the UK, there's always Amy Winehouse to fall back on:

Amy's off to isle of druggies

Anglesey?

RECOVERING junkie AMY WINEHOUSE is planning a change of scenery — by moving to druggie paradise Jamaica.

No, I'm sure The Sun checked that that is the official tourism slogan the country is using right now.

God, Jamaica sounds terrible:

The Rehab singer, 25, wants to record her hugely-delayed third album on the Caribbean island where illegal drugs are known to be widely available.
[...]
The label is “fully aware” Jamaica is awash with drugs like crack cocaine and cannabis.

What a horrible sounding place - awash with drugs, you say. It's slightly odd, then, that last summer the Sun's travel column was recommending the island as a place for a jolly holiday, isn't it?