Gordon in the morning: Swine flu fever

Oasis holed up in a hotel in Venezuela. The two off Big Brother where you can never remember which was the one who snogged the Ordinary Boy and the one who was in Northern Line. These, of course, have been scares. But it was only a matter of time before a celebrity actually got swine flu.

Or, at the very least, someone who is vaguely famous - to those prepared to do a quick Google to refresh their memories - allows themselves to be photographed sweating with a mask on.

This morning, Gordon brings us the grave news about Tulisa. (I'll save you the Googling - she's in N-Dubz. And to save you further Googling, the band with the nice bloke off Buzzcocks who wore his hat the whole time.)

It falls to Jess Rogers to file the story:

N-Dubz star Tulisa ‘has swine flu’

Really? What rotten luck.

Tulisa Contostavlos, 20, flew to Athens on Thursday night for a break with family and friends after finishing a 23-date UK tour, when the band performed for thousands of teenage fans.

But she fainted and needed medical attention during the flight — then had to be rushed to hospital yesterday after a doctor noted all the symptoms connected with the potentially deadly virus.

Ah... so, in other words - she looked like she had flu. But still, to stack up the eye-catching headline, there must be some fairly strong belief that she's come into contact with the swine flu variant?

The band’s spokesman said: “We are hopeful Tulisa will be given the all-clear and will be well enough to leave hospital in the next couple of days.”

No, apparently not, then. 'Fairly well known person probably just has flu' doesn't have quite the same ring, though, does it?

There's a source, naturally:

“Tulisa’s family have been forced to wear masks and have only been allowed minimal contact. It is a terrifying time.”

Terrifying? Why? Even if it is swine flu, a young, healthy woman might not exactly welcome being unwell, but is hugely unlikely to die from it. Why would you be terrified?

I know what you're thinking - should we even be sharing this information before those close to Tulisa have been informed? Don't worry:

Band members Richard “Fazer” Rawson, 22, and Tulisa’s cousin Dino “Dappy” Contostavlos, 21, are in Britain and have been told about her illness.

"Dappy, do you remember the time you had a bad tummy? And kept sneezing? Well, Tulisa's a bit like that. She's going to have to spend some time in bedy-byes until she gets well, and then you can all play together again..."

Back in the land of the living, Gordon has some even grimmer news:

JAMES CORDEN has a lot on his plate, in more ways than one.

But the big lad from Gavin & Stacey has yet another tasty job offer that he should digest carefully.

James, aka Smithy from the hit sitcom, has been asked to perform the England 2010 World Cup song.

Ha Ha! In case you didn't spot Gordon's hilarious references, Corden is fat - that's why he's got a lot on his plate, you see - because he's eating lots, because he's fat, being a big lad. Do you see? Ha ha ha.

It gets worse, though: rather than encouraging Corden to create something horrible and new, the plan is to make something which worked well a little bit worse:

Sport Relief and the suits at the FA have asked him to team up with the England squad and cover NEW ORDER’s hit World In Motion.

Yeah - the suits, man. The suits. You stick it to those idiots who wear the suits, Gordon. Because who but a stiff wears a suit, right, man?

Oh... yes. But at least you looked like you were really, really uncomfortable wearing a suit.

Let's hope this story is like Smart's 'Moyles sacked' one, and just something he's made up to fill some space. Because otherwise, this is the future:

And my dream is to see James wearing BERNARD SUMNER’s sunglasses shouting: “Express Yourself — it’s one-on-one!”

Oh, lord.n