Azealia Banks issues half-apology written by her PR team

You'll recall that last time we came across Azealia Banks, the Zac Goldsmith of pop had taken to Twitter to call Zayn Malik a "curry scented bitch".

Well, her PR team have found enough space between updating their LinkedIn profiles to get an apology of sorts out via Instagram.

Instagram might seem an odd choice, but it's one of the few social networks Banks is welcome on at the moment.

How has it taken so long for this apology to appear? It turns out being racist and homophobic is something you have to spend some time thinking about:

Now that the immediacy of the infamous incident has worn off, I've had some time to decompress & take a more rational assessment of things.

You just know you're being set up for a bullshit empty apology-shaped hole when the person won't even mention what they're supposedly sorry for.

But, yeah, you've had the best part of a week to "rationally assess" attacking someone using racist and homophobic language. What did you come up with?

I want to extend my sincerest apologies to the world

Not specifically to Zayn, the man she insulted, you'll note, but - hey - he's part of the world, right?

Employing racial/sexual slurs/stereotypes in attempts to make fun of or degrade another person or group is not fair or fun for anyone

To be honest, Azealia, you did look like you were having a lot of fun doing it while it was happening.

Allowing my anger to get the best of me, I’ve managed to insult millions of people without reason. And for that I give my deepest apologies.

Ah, so it wasn't Azealia's fault, really; it was just that she got angry she turned into a racist homophobic shit. She's kind of a Hulk/Trump hybrid, it turns out.

And the whole "curry-scented" thing? Why, that wasn't meant to be insulting at all. It's just good old fashioned humour:

She said she was repeating a joke from her native New York – where nearly half of cab drivers were born in Bangladesh, India or Pakistan – that taxis smelled like curry.

“I feel compelled to clear the air with curry itself because that’s a bridge I don’t want to burn. I still want to be able to enjoy it freely without guilt or judgment,” she wrote.

So, during this heartfelt apology to the world in general, the only entity which got a direct sorry was a foodstuff. Maybe she meant it was heartburn apology.

Trouble with this is that the "joke" that taxis smell of curry is racist in itself, so you're only saying that you were being derivatively unpleasant rather than creatively unpleasant. And as Zayn isn't actually a taxi, neither the joke nor the explanation makes sense anyway.

Doesn't really work as an apology, does it?

Azeailia Banks: Pretty unpleasant

It's not simply that Azeailia Banks managed to cram quite so much racism and homophobia into her tweets to Zayn Malik; it's the way she discovered to double-down on them:

Throughout the day Banks has continued to argue with people on Twitter about her rant adding even more offensive content to her stream of tweets.

The rapper even went live on Periscope where she continued her heavily racist rant against Malik, saying how he had been kicked out of One Direction for being a "brown b****".

It's to Rinse's credit that they've uninvited her from the Born & Bred festival:

After increasing calls upon the festival's organisers to remove Banks, who was due to headline the festival's second day, from the bill, they have now responded with a statement saying: "We have decided to cancel Azealia Banks' appearance at Rinse | Born & Bred Festival. Rinse | Born & Bred is a celebration of rave culture and has been created for EVERYONE. We celebrate inclusivity and equality."

Her name has now been removed from the festival's website and replaced by a blank space.

After the over-crammed suitcase of shit Banks has been pushing into the crowds this last day or so, a blank space has never been more welcome.

Azealia Banks: Having a vagina makes it impossible to be a homophobe

The second story in a row about a straight person explaining why their apparent homophobia doesn't count. It is still 2015, right?

This time, its Azealia Banks - the most-successful pop star with a name that sounds like a dementia care home - who got caught in a Twitter row with a Vice writer. The whole thing is rather grim, but boils down to this:

You gay bloggers try waving the homophobia flag like at me like women are not the original source of all things fabulous feminine and clever. I own all this.

Hidden in there is an argument that suggests that it's alright to use "twink" as a term of abuse, if you're a woman, because they're feminized men and so that femininity belongs to women.

Yes, I know. I know. But here's where what is merely incoherent becomes quite incredible:

do you know that I am woman and I invented everything feminine? Including giving birth to gay men?

I've checked wikipedia twice now, and can't see the names of Azealia Banks' gay children, and I'm pretty certain her given age of 23 makes the invention of everything feminine unlikely.

Look, I don't think any of us have the energy to raise the questions about the confusion of gender, the stereotyping of gay sexuality, or even the suggestion that possession of a vagina makes it impossible for charges of homophobia to stick.

Anyway, Banks has now moved on to a spot of whiteface, and some more considered thoughts on modern queer politics:

Gay media has to stop using homophobia as a means to try and victimize itself and scar the names of its opponents… Phobia would imply that I am scared of gay men or dislike them because of what they choose to do sexually… I promise, no one gives a f*ck what u decide to do in your private lives. But I also promise, that no matter how bitchy and clever you think you are.. That I will out-bitch you… But I’m just going to ignore yall from here on out cause YALL are really just reaching and looking for any reason to insert ur selves In the Azealia Banks story.

No, Azealia. Nobody is trying to insert themselves into your narrative. They just wish it wasn't constantly entwining with their own.

Azealia Banks believes the Stone Roses are out to get her

See, this is what happens when you give in to the temptation of cash and reunite: you go from being mystical and magical and wind up as a punchline in somebody else's comedy spat. The Stone Roses are being accused by Azealia Banks of sabotaging her set at some random music festival in Australia. Rolling Stone reports:

"Big apologies on behalf of the stone roses to my fans at the festival today," Banks tweeted in the opening shot of her rant. "My ex tour manager made a pact with the stone roses saying they'd sabotage my set because I fired him.. And they decided to check their equipment behind me during my set. Fuck those old saggy white n***as stone roses. I wish them nothing but excrement and death."

I'm not entirely clear what would have been in this deal for the Roses, to be honest. They've never noticaebly been fond of music industry managers, so it seems to be an extraordinary favour to do for somebody.

Aha! But Banks tries to frame the claims as being part of some sort of misogynistic-racist plot:

"Wow! I must really fucking be a superstar... You've got an established band trying to sabotage my lil rap bitch shine," she wrote. "Wow a bunch of old white men trying to bully a young black girl.... What the fuck else is new in this world ???"

So, she wishes "nothing but excrement and death" on the Roses. Which, funnily enough, is pretty much what the reviews for The Second Coming described it as.

When is a surge not a surge?

The NME breathlessly runs up with the news that homophobia pays:

The ongoing fued between Azealia Banks and Angel Haze – which then became a row with Perez Hilton – over the weekend has sparked a sales surge for Banks.

Really? Has she sold double the number of records? Treble?

Er, no:

According to Billboard, Banks' '1991' EP saw a sales increase of 18 per cent over the last week, which equates to around 1000 copies sold in the US.

That's not an extra 1000 sales, it's a rise to 1,000 sales. Roughly 200 more CDs across the whole of the US. Compared with a week when there was a national holiday.

But what of downloads?

Sales of her single '212' rose by 3 per cent to 3,000 downloads.

So that's fewer than 100 extra sales.

So the "sales surge" turns out to be 300 extra sales in a nation of over 300 million.

"Tiresome spat doesn't inhibit minor uptick in sales" doesn't have quite the same grab to it, does it?

Banks attempts to use bisexuality as shield from asshattery

A spat between Azealia Banks and Perez Hilton normally need not detain us, but given that it has now managed to generate one of the weakest defences of bad behaviour since "it was different in the 1970s", let's bring ourselves up to speed.

It all started when Banks recorded a song "dissing" Angel Haze. Perez Hilton - who apparently is still going - upbraided Banks for doing this.

Banks then reacted by going onto Twitter:

‘Omg u should just kill yourself… Like for real… lol what a messy faggot you are.’

Even before you get to the homophobic bit, she's gone too far with telling Perez to kill himself. Seriously, who types that into a Twitter box and doesn't then realise they've gone too far?

But rather than review the idea that she was telling someone to "really" kill themselves, Banks was gearing up to call Hilton a faggot.

The backblow was predictable. But Banks wasn't going to back down. No, it turns out that Banks wasn't being homophobic at all:

‘A faggot is not a homosexual male,’ she said. ‘A faggot is any male who acts like a female. There’s a BIG difference.’

Let's just accept the first half for a moment and poke the idea that "a male who acts like a female" is a bad thing. Or a thing at all. What does that mean? Is it about having lactating nipples or pissing sitting down? What on earth was that supposed to be as a justification?

But let's not worry too much about that second half, because it comes after the first half.

A faggot is not a homosexual male.

Not quite, Azealia. It's not a thing you should call a homosexual male, but it definitely is a slur against them. True, it was originally thrown at old women in the 16th Century, but for the last hundred years it's pretty much been an exclusive insult for gay men.

Azealia hadn't quite finished, though. She went off and had another little think.

‘Really not as moved by this f word thing as u all want me to be. As a bisexual person I knew what I meant when I used that word.

‘And I meant what I meant when I used that word.’

No, Banks. Being bisexual doesn't mean you can slag off gay men with impunity. It just makes it worse when you do.

Still, I suppose we should extend a grudging respect for this inventive updating of 'how can I hate women, my Mum was one' for 2013.

What the pop papers say: Cool getting colder

Every year, about this time, elderly relatives will send out greetings cards to remind people that they're still alive. In much the same way, the NME releases its otherwise pointless Cool List in order to send out a few press releases to let the wider world know that the title still exists.

There is something a bit surprising in the choice of Azealia Banks as their number one - given that the paper these days is so very, very white with its alternating Liam/Noel covers throughout the year, it's surprising to see a black artist on the cover of the magazine. Although she's not given the whole cover, of course. Presumably she's just a little too cool to be given the whole front page. And clearly, way, way, too cool for the NME to build a spalsh feature around without shoring her up with the rest of the list - Jarvis and Kasabian and Lana Del Ray and Noel.

There's also a fool list, in which the Insane Clown Posse and Ricky Gervais are ridiculed for domestic violence and mong jokes respectively. Which is good, except it makes the presence of Tyler The Creator on the Cool List even more puzzling. Gervais is ordered to "sort it out" while the sexist, homophobic Tyler is "cool" because he's "genuinely" a "troller deluxe". The paper even includes his suggestion that Tegan and Sara needed some "hard dick" as part of the citation for his appearance in the cool list.

Really, NME? The little chart you provide underneath which suggests this might have dented his cool a bit (and not for what he said, but for having been called on it by Tegan and Sara) doesn't offset that you're lauding someone because they spit out sexist, homophobic shit. And then say it's great that he genuinely believes it.

The exact methodology to decide what's "cool" is a mystery, but surely there could be some sort of human intervention to stop the NME telling its remaining readers that telling gay women they just need to have sex with a man is a cool thing to do?