Azealia Banks issues half-apology written by her PR team

You'll recall that last time we came across Azealia Banks, the Zac Goldsmith of pop had taken to Twitter to call Zayn Malik a "curry scented bitch".

Well, her PR team have found enough space between updating their LinkedIn profiles to get an apology of sorts out via Instagram.

Instagram might seem an odd choice, but it's one of the few social networks Banks is welcome on at the moment.

How has it taken so long for this apology to appear? It turns out being racist and homophobic is something you have to spend some time thinking about:

Now that the immediacy of the infamous incident has worn off, I've had some time to decompress & take a more rational assessment of things.

You just know you're being set up for a bullshit empty apology-shaped hole when the person won't even mention what they're supposedly sorry for.

But, yeah, you've had the best part of a week to "rationally assess" attacking someone using racist and homophobic language. What did you come up with?

I want to extend my sincerest apologies to the world

Not specifically to Zayn, the man she insulted, you'll note, but - hey - he's part of the world, right?

Employing racial/sexual slurs/stereotypes in attempts to make fun of or degrade another person or group is not fair or fun for anyone

To be honest, Azealia, you did look like you were having a lot of fun doing it while it was happening.

Allowing my anger to get the best of me, I’ve managed to insult millions of people without reason. And for that I give my deepest apologies.

Ah, so it wasn't Azealia's fault, really; it was just that she got angry she turned into a racist homophobic shit. She's kind of a Hulk/Trump hybrid, it turns out.

And the whole "curry-scented" thing? Why, that wasn't meant to be insulting at all. It's just good old fashioned humour:

She said she was repeating a joke from her native New York – where nearly half of cab drivers were born in Bangladesh, India or Pakistan – that taxis smelled like curry.

“I feel compelled to clear the air with curry itself because that’s a bridge I don’t want to burn. I still want to be able to enjoy it freely without guilt or judgment,” she wrote.

So, during this heartfelt apology to the world in general, the only entity which got a direct sorry was a foodstuff. Maybe she meant it was heartburn apology.

Trouble with this is that the "joke" that taxis smell of curry is racist in itself, so you're only saying that you were being derivatively unpleasant rather than creatively unpleasant. And as Zayn isn't actually a taxi, neither the joke nor the explanation makes sense anyway.

Doesn't really work as an apology, does it?

Azeailia Banks: Pretty unpleasant

It's not simply that Azeailia Banks managed to cram quite so much racism and homophobia into her tweets to Zayn Malik; it's the way she discovered to double-down on them:

Throughout the day Banks has continued to argue with people on Twitter about her rant adding even more offensive content to her stream of tweets.

The rapper even went live on Periscope where she continued her heavily racist rant against Malik, saying how he had been kicked out of One Direction for being a "brown b****".

It's to Rinse's credit that they've uninvited her from the Born & Bred festival:

After increasing calls upon the festival's organisers to remove Banks, who was due to headline the festival's second day, from the bill, they have now responded with a statement saying: "We have decided to cancel Azealia Banks' appearance at Rinse | Born & Bred Festival. Rinse | Born & Bred is a celebration of rave culture and has been created for EVERYONE. We celebrate inclusivity and equality."

Her name has now been removed from the festival's website and replaced by a blank space.

After the over-crammed suitcase of shit Banks has been pushing into the crowds this last day or so, a blank space has never been more welcome.

Twittergem: Zayn Malik

He's right, you know:

Zayn Malik's album track list looks like the 'Who's Online' section of MSN Messenger in 2003. pic.twitter.com/5jxjZ7tH0S

— Rhys James (@rhysjamesy) March 7, 2016

How quickly can Zayn be photoshopped out of One Direction history

Tour posters? He's gone already. "Perfume" ads? Ironically still hanging about like a bad smell.

When bodyguards are collateral damage

You know who's really lost out with Zayn leaving One Direction?

Okay, yes, apart from retailers who now have piles of Zayn dolls they're going to have to mark down.

It's his former bodyguard:

Guys , just so you know , I'm just as sad about Zayn leaving the band , I've been with them 5 years , but I respect his choice :-/

— Preston Mahon (@prestonmahon) March 30, 2015

I have to respect it , even tho it's put me out of work now :-( but I'll bounce back , I hope x

— Preston Mahon (@prestonmahon) March 30, 2015

It's interesting that Malik's management appear to have concluded that once he's no longer in the band, the risks that used to haunt his every step evaporate. There's a duty of care question hidden behind those two tweets.

There's a response to Zayn Malik quitting you didn't expect

You might have thought what with the struggle Universal Credit is proving to roll out, the Department of Work And Pensions might have been too busy to pass comment on boyband splits.

You'd be wrong:

Hi @zaynmalik, heard your news. Around 735,000 vacancies available at any time. Get job seeking tips here: http://t.co/7MxPeMGLrA #ZaynMalik

— DWP Press Office (@dwppressoffice) March 25, 2015

I think Zayn should heed this tweet. Given the way the DWP slap sanctions on people at the merest opportunity, ignoring that Tweet will probably leave Zayn unable to draw down his pension in the future.

Band Aid 30: Act global, think local

The Bradford Telegraph And Argus knows what's crucial about Band Aid 30:

BRADFORD’S One Direction star Zayn Malik will feature on a new Band Aid song.

The term "ebola" doesn't appear until the penultimate word.

It's also uncomfortable the context in which is appears:

and is expected to raise millions to ease Africa’s Ebola crisis.

Most of Africa doesn't have an "Ebola crisis". So, in much the same way that the original Band Aid painted a picture of a continent entirely in the grip of famine (which wasn't the case), the new one is painting a picture of a continent raddled with disease (which isn't the case). Nice to keep those Imperialist traditions going, isn't it?

Gordon in the morning: Young man uses technology to keep in touch with girlfriend

Behind Gordon Smart's unreakabale paywall today, there's the story that Zayn Malik is using Skype to talk to his girlfriend. Coming tomorrow: Harry Styles uses water to feel less thirsty.

Gordon in the morning: The Zayn vanishes

Not entirely sure why this story falls under the remit of Colin Robertson, TV editor, rather than Gordon himself, but - brace yourself - Zayn Malik has quit Twitter.

Apparently he was upset that he was being given grief because he's in some sort of relationship with Perrie Edwards out of Little Mix - I imagine tweets along the lines of 'What, won't Cowell let you date outside the church' were being fired in his direction.

That this is something of a non-story is more or less proven by one of the reactive tweets that Robertson has diligently harvested and reproduced:

Shocked supporter VaynZayn wrote on Twitter: “I feel like Zayn’s just broken up with me. Our non-existent twitter relationship is over."

Shocked? Really, Colin? You can't hear a rather sharp eyeroll and a 'nothing to see' when you come across it?