Miley Cyrus: If you have tears, prepare to shed them now

Poor Carl McCoid. He used to like Miley Cyrus. He used to like her a lot.

So much so, he got 29 Miley Cyrus tattoos, all over his body.

The problem? Oh, Carl:

He said: "People can't seem to see past the tattoos and it was having a very negative effect on my life where I felt trapped by them. I've just gone off her."

Carl is trapped in a cell of his own making. A skin cell, if you will.

He's blaming the tattoos for his inability to get a girlfriend - which might be confusing symptoms with the problem.

Still, was Miley impressed with his efforts?

Miley said in an interview last year that Carl's tattoos were "ugly" and "creepy", but Carl, a dad-of-three, insists her comments are not the main reason he wants to get them removed.

Carl appears to believe that Miley is too raunchy. And:

Carl, who runs his own ironing business from home, realised his obsession had gone too far when he stood in front of the mirror and was shocked by the sight of his Miley-covered torso.

Potential girlfriends don't like them. Miley Cyrus doesn't like them. He doesn't like them.

Oh, Carl.

He has spent £2,700 on the tattoos, which he says seem to be the only talking point when he goes on dates. He said: "The conversation just seems to be centred around them and it just gets boring. I feel like I can't move on."

He's having some of the tatts removed, and others will be covered over with other designs. Presumably meaning on future dates the conversation will be centred on why he has a tattoo of Miley Cyrus wearing a Groucho Marx face mask.

Tom Araya tells Fucking Slayer Gang to fuck off

You know what? When you're bullying the wife of the leader of the band you claim to be supporting, you might have lost your way a little:

"Hi. This is Tom Araya, and I'd like to talk to you about something that has recently spiraled out of control.

"I hate to blame an entire group for the actions of a few.

"There is a group on Facebook that associate themselves with my band, SLAYER, Claiming to be fans, they made up a sign that they use to represent themselves as SLAYER fans. They call themselves Fucking Slayer Gang, [or] FSG. They came into existence about eight months ago and had approached my wife, Sandra, under the guise of a family asking for support and if she would ask me if I would also show support by throwing the SLAYER hand sign that they had come up with.

"After a few months had passed, my wife did not like how this group was managing their Facebook page and decided it was best to leave their group and all other groups she was part of. The conduct that this group was showing, and has shown, is distasteful, rude and disrespectful to all SLAYER and metal fans.

"Now, I [flashed] this sign [for a photo] in support for my wife, who later told me that it was not a good idea to associate with this group or sign, that they were cyberbullies and that they would attack anyone who questioned their motives, and have even gone as far as attacking my wife publicly on SLAYER fan pages and metal fan pages.

"It has come to our attention that they have taken liberties with the photo of myself and my wife [throwing] the so-called 'SLAYER sign' by posting these pictures and claiming our support. Well, I'm here to say that it's not true. We do not support this gang or such behavior.

"The metal community is a growing community of loyal fans, not only to the bands that they support, but to each other.

"Thank you."

This is Tom from Slayer saying that you're overstepping a line. It's a bit like the Krays suggesting you tone down the violence,

Two reasons to love Lorde

I think the most interesting thing about this report from kpopstarz is the way it's written to make it sound like Lorde's being in some way unreasonable:

Royals Singer Lorde maybe the first ever New Zealander to reach the top spot in the US Billboards, however her fame certainly does not get in her head, as the teen pop sensation reportedly does not want to be called a "teen hottie" nor her fans to be named as "disciples."
The 17-year old singer believes that "pun centric" nicknames for fans are undignified, think about Katy Perry's KatyCats or Lady Gaga's Little Monsters.

Or the way fans of The Wanted are called Wanters. I think it was "wanters" that people were shouting at them.

From her interview with New York Times via Skype, Lord made it clear that she is not a "teen hottie," saying: "The phrase 'teen hottie' literally makes me want to throw up."

It's not surprising it makes her want to hurl, given the phrase gives off decaying Humbert Humbert fumes.

One Direction fans are passionate about One Direction, or nearest equivalent

Oh, how much do One Direction fans love One Direction?

With a fierce and burning passion that can only be sparked by the band.

Or, erm, anyone who looks a bit like they might be in the band:

New Zealand teenage girls turned out in their thousands over the weekend hoping for a glimpse of British-Irish boy band One Direction but it seems not all knew who they were screaming for.

A radio producer wearing a beanie, dark glasses and a scarf, was mobbed when he left an Auckland hotel after interviewing the stars with young girls believing he was a member of the five-piece band.

Guy Parsons, 23, is older and taller than members of One Direction but still fooled the hysterical young girls who chased him down the street.

This could be a risk when you construct a band out of unthreatening bloke-types; it becomes impossible to recognise them out of context.

Interestingly, even when they had their error pointed out, some fans didn't care:

"I said 'I've got you, I'm not one of them', but they still wanted photos," Parsons told the Sunday Star-Times, adding he enjoyed his brief moment of fame.

There's a lot of critical theory which would tell you that boybands just fill a hole which gives young girls something to direct their passion at; this would seem to support that.

One Direction fans: incredibly passionate; just not that fussy.

One Direction fans really are charmers, aren't they?

Anna Crotti works at an Australian radio station and, during the course of her work, she came into contact with Zayn Malik. He's one of the trousers in One Direction. He was quite taken with Anna, and invited her on a kind-of date.

It never happened:

She is quoted by MTV as saying: "A security guard came up to me. I thought I was in trouble but he said, 'The lads want your number'. I got a text later saying hello. I asked who it was and it was Zayn.

"By the end of the day, it got a bit too scary. Random girls were abusing me on Facebook. Girls were calling the radio station and giving me s**t.

"Mothers even called me in tears, demanding to know if I knew where One Direction were because their daughters wanted to meet them.

"I didn't even want to walk home. It was so intense. I messaged Zayn and said, 'Maybe it's not a good idea we meet up'. It was just a bit too full on."

It's almost as if One Direction fans like the idea of their heroes being paranoid virgins, isn't it?

Coming a couple of days after the same group was sending death-threats to a man for having the temerity to ask Simon Cowell why he took a name already being used by a band, they're building a bit of a whiff around the band they supposedly love.

It's what he would have wanted, as well

In a bid to try and make "Michael Jackson fan" look perpetually like a euphemism for needing a bit of extra help to do everyday things, some of them are pushing for Michael Jackson to appear on the shortlist for this year's Nobel prizes.

Now, you could perhaps see a case being essayed for a physics prize - moonwalking defies all the laws of the physical world; or at least sort-of looks like it might until you slow down the video.

Physiology? He certainly broke new ground there.

Even literature would have a slim case - there was an autobiography, wasn't there?

But no: they're going for the peace prize.

The peace prize.

One of the letters, written by Los Angeles student Anneliese Nichole Brown, pleads: "Michael's message for humankind has always been rooted in compassion and kindness.

"He has succeeded in a lifelong dedication to the well-being of humanity. Moving beyond all political, social and economic borders, Michael Jackson consistently spread a positive message of global unity, healing and love."

Well, he was consistent in his message, in a "give me a couple of months and I'll get together some sort of tribute act to help in the face of a natural or man-made disaster. Or a few months. I'll be in touch, honest."

But has his message for humankind really "always" been rooted in compassion?

Billie Jean is not my lover; there are zombies crawling up my leg; here, young man, take this large sum of money and never again mention that I may or may not have touched your winkle; I'm bad, I'm bad, I'm really, really bad; I am going to play your gig; oh, I am not going to play your gig.

It's not a totally convincing cascade of a compassionate message, although he did do the song to the rat which Esther Rantzen used to soundtrack a campaign about a sick kiddie.

But I can't help feeling that the Nobel people might be looking for something a little more solid.

Chris Cornell: ... and if anyone else enjoys it, it's a bonus

Chris Cornell has issued a grumpy response to fans who don't like what he's doing now. Tough, this is Chris time:

"Older American fans don't like it because they are typically my core fans that really supported me in SOUNDGARDEN and really loved that band," Cornell said. "To them, that's kind of who I am, I'm that guy in that band, and I'm that guy who wrote those songs."

Cornell claims that he is a musician that needs to take chances to grow and be imaginative with his music.

"As a songwriter and creative person, I have to do what makes me happy. That changes, it goes into different worlds," Cornell explained. "Sometimes it's going to be in the world that those core fans of my earlier period love, and sometimes it won't."

Someone really should make "Core fan of earlier Chris Cornell period" t-shirts. They'd make a killing.

He is, of course, half right: musicians who don't adapt and change and experiment and grow will continue to just churn out decreasing-return-soundalike-stuff for the rest of their natural lives. Or "turn into Noel Gallagher" as medical people call it.

The other half of the rightness, though, is wrongness. Chris, sweetness: your core fans of your earlier work aren't recoiling in horror because you've changed. They're not afeared of your mad experimentalistics. It's because - despite swallowing Soundgarden - even the core fans can spot that your current stuff is a little ripe.

Britney Spears: The Internet is like a massive intellectual department store

To ease your bank holiday, we're reproducing the current edition of the BritneySperms mailing list. What seems to have happened is that some strongly pro-Brit types have discovered the existence of an anti-Britney list, and are desperate to taunt it out of existence. We think it's the sort of high level debate which would make Tim Berners-Lee delighted he did all that work:

[UPDATE: THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN REMOVED AT REQUEST OF ORIGINAL POSTER 21-01-12. THE PERSON WHO POSTED THE MESSAGE - OR SOMEBODY CLAIMING TO BE THEM - GOT IN TOUCH AND ASKED IF THE COMMENTS, MADE WHEN THEY WERE A TEENAGER, COULD BE DELETED SO THEY MIGHT NOT FOLLOW THEM AROUND NOW THEY ARE APPLYING FOR WORK. IT DOESN'T SEEM TO BE AN UNREASONABLE REQUEST. I HAVE ALSO REMOVED THE COMMENT IN WHICH THE POSTER ASKED FOR THE DELETION SO AS TO PRESERVE THEIR IDENTITY.]
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Message: 2
Date: Sat, 24 May 2003 02:01:09 EDT
From: name removed
Subject: Re: UR ALL FUCKIN PATHETIC

Every one is subject to a diffrent oppion. I cannot stand stripper hoes who
arn't total ignoramous teraching my 6 year old cousin to dress like a slut. I am in no way jelouse of Britteny Spears, and your jsut a hypocrit because you dont know us, and why would any one wnat to listen to someone who sounds like a dying cow, we all ahve are opion 1st ammendement rights

---

Message: 3
Date: Sat, 24 May 2003 11:08:04 -0000
From: "N/A"
Subject: Re: UR ALL FUCKIN PATHETIC

WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HERE IF YOU LIKE HER SO MUCH YOU KNEW BEFORE YOU SINGED UP WHAT THIS GROUP WAS ABOUT! and it's not about what she does it's the fact that she lies about it all the time.

So, there you have it then. Better than Newsnight, isn't it?

[UPDATED 2013: To fit more recent No Rock & Roll Fun template]