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It's not the first time this week, admittedly, but once again, rumour reckons Britney Spears has given birth.
This time, it's fairly specific information, though - c-section, just before 4pm GMT, in the Santa Monica UCLA Medical Centre.
Before his sudden switch into being the voice of the underclass, Kanye West had been attempting to recast his popular image: less goody goody, more hoodie hoodie. We suspect the interview in InTouch in which he bangs on about porn again was done before Katrina, then - this time it's his Mum discovering how much he spends on porn:
"She's like: 'Kanye, did you spend $500 at the porn store?'"
The rapper added: "Come on, get the fuck out of here! I'm 28 years old and I have to explain to my mother?"
Kanye, you didn't tell your mom to "get the fuck out of here", did you? And why would anyone spend five hundred dollars on porn? Either that's an awful lot of lonely, empty nights you're expecting to be strumming away for; or else it's one, hugely specialist, magazine.
I wonder which it is?
Surely Heather Mills McCartney can't be that surprised that Jennifer Lopez - happy to use fur in her fashion range - employs security staff who aren't that gentle with protesters?
When Mrs Macca turned up at Lopez's office to deliver a DVD about how cruel fur is (a generous assumption, that rather than not caring much, that Lopez might simply not know; that, five minutes into the PETA video she might be on the phone to Marc: "Marc, you know that fluffy stuff on the clothes? It's animals") she got involved in a scuffle with security guards.
In the course of which, her prosthetic leg came off. She asked if she could pop to the toilet to put it back on, but the minders said no.
She bent down and clutched her knee in pain, before asking to use a bathroom so she could reattach the leg. Guards refused and she was forced to cling onto a photographer as she carried out the humiliating task on a stairwell.
We're not actually sure why FemaleFirst think it's a humiliating task - it's only putting your leg back on; it's not like it's taking a poo. And if it's that humiliating, how come Heather seemed quite happy to wave the leg around on Larry King Live?
We're a little surprised that the leg managed to work itself free in all the excitement - surely they're designed to withstand a little bit of to-and-fro? Surely Heather wouldn't have slipped the leg off to make a point, would she?
To be honest, after all the tireless support Mark Radcliffe has offered to Kate Bush over the last couple of years, it's only fitting that Radio 2 gets the first play of her new single. Albeit on, erm, the Ken Bruce show. Somewhere between 9.30 and 10.30 am next Wednesday. Get ready with your audiograbber and listen aga... only joking: that would be wrong.
Over in Tokyo, on a tour, Doctor John has been in a lamentation for New Orleans. Although he has been lamenting backwards across the Pacific:
As the best-known face of New Orleans, he has been busy since the disaster recording for benefit programs and campaigning for donations. But he says he is disgusted by the incessant celebrity "propaganda" surrounding the catastrophe.
In an interview with the New York Daily News last week, he said: "I would hate to be like little Harry Connick, being used for propaganda. I like Harry, but that's not for me."
"If they got Harry in, why couldn't they bring back some people who lived in the neighborhood?" he asked.
Of course, it's easy for Mick Jagger to try and make sure the Sweet Neocon kerfuffle is smoothed over and forgotten by muttering to the New York Post about how he'd love to play Iraq, when he's not likely to be asked. But wouldn't you love to see his bluff being called:
"The boys are doing a very professional and a very tough job over there, and they aren't getting a lot of fun either.
"So the answer [to would we go] is - absolutely. To be honest, the troops would probably be more interested in seeing a lot of pretty girls than us."
We imagine the troops would just be pleased to see anyone who doesn't have a half-tonne of explosives strapped to their belly. But you have to wonder at the logic of a man who says he's scared to go into London yet claims he's really love the chance of a gig in Baghdad.
Not very much, mind; she wouldn't want to tire herself out. So, October 31st - Norwich UEA; November 21st - Shepherds Bush Empire. And, erm, that's it.
Still, at least she won't need to pack too much.
Despite being in a relationship - a genuine, proper one, it's not been put together in a PR office somewhere, you know - Delta Goodrem seems to have forgotten that; and has started setting her caps at other types. Apparently, she fancies Chris Martin. I suppose, compared to Brian McFadden Chris Martin might seem tempting; in the same way that if you lived on oats with water for months you might think Chicken McNuggets were delicious fayre.
Liverpool's once-proud indie/alt station Juice shows some hope of returning to former glories with Ulster TV taking control of the station.
Juice has had a bumpy ride - originally launched as Crash, before management double-dealing led to takeover and name change with the format being marched onwards towards the Top 40 mulch it was intended to provide an alternative to; In 2003, Forever broadcasting sold a Brighton sister station back to its old owners (they've kept the name, but improved the output) and the Liverpool network to Absolute Radio. Now Absolute has been bought out by former partner Ulster, who have stated their intention to make their local radio portfolio seem more local than it currently does - a glimmer of hope that Juice might start to play the local scene, instead of just paying lip-service to it.
Having been able to coast on the back of Peter Kay's fictional station of the same name, the newly licensed [real] Chorley FM has become embroiled (of course, embroiled) in a huge row with Kay's management company, Phil McIntyre Entertainment.
According to the radio station, Kay's team were so keen to be able to flog lucrative Chorley FM merchandise (based on their fictional station), they offered to buy out the real one - for eighty pounds.
Phil McIntyre Entertainment denies this:
A spokeswoman for Phil McIntyre Entertainment said: "We definitely are not trying to buy the radio station."
But she said the company had once considered registering Chorley FM as a limited company so it could use the name, but discovered Chorley FM had already been registered as a private limited company with Companies House in November 2001.
However, it was able to trademark the fictional Chorley FM logo for use in several radio and television related areas, gaining registration from the Patent Office in January 2005.
It is registered to use the logo for radio and television broadcasting services, entertainment and programmes as well as radio sets, CDs sound and video recordings plus T-shirts, hats, mugs, lighters and badges - among other items.
With us so far? Chorley FM - the real one - invited Peter Kay to get involved (they say), but he said no; however, Dave Spikey, who co-starred with Kay in Phoenix Nights, which featutred the fictional Chorley FM is patron of the actual Chorley FM:
Spikey said he had been aware of Phil MacIntyre making a bid for the station two years ago, but was not aware of any recent offer.
He said the station had a "big part to play in promoting local talent. [Chorley] is a little market town which is very strong on arts and culture which I do think is very important in the infrastructure of the town."
Chorley FM's team mutter dark warnings about what might happen if Kay doesn't come to the table soon:
"Peter Kay could be a keen investor but he obviously thinks he doesn't need the publicity in this area. He's apparently looking to come and live in Chorley but unless he helps the radio station he'll not be welcome."
Something to think about as you pull together plans to launch a KACL in Seattle.
Earlier this week we brought you the news that Mike McCarthy was due to appear in court over an incident when, according to the charges, he indecently touched a waitress' arse upstairs in a pub.
Riding up to his support now is brother Paul, waving a statement:
"I totally support my brother, Mike McCartney, in defending this allegation.
"Mike is a devoted family man, who has respect for people, and equally he has earned respect for himself in both his professional and private life.
"I look forward to his name being cleared and the anxiety caused to him and his family being relieved as soon as possible."
Matters are due to come to a head in court next month.
In a bid to try and persuade people to pay up for proper copies of the new album (which seems to be not-quite-a-return-to-form, but a step in the right direction), Depeche Mode, iTunes and Ticketmaster have come together to give people the chance to pre-order live tickets for gigs when they buy the album.
Apparently, they're pushing the wire. So says their manager, Jonathan Kessler:
"Depeche Mode is once again pushing the wire for its fans and utilising cutting edge technology to lead toward a better and faster way for fans to access new music and concert tickets."
Pushing the wire? Is this like pushing an envelope while going down to the wire?
Despite being on twenty nine networks, the US main telethon to aid Hurricane Katrina victims managed to pull just 24 million viewers - which is still enough to make it the most-watched programme on US television last week. Although it won't be number one rated, as, erm, the Nielsen ratings don't count programmes without adverts as proper shows.
The low turnout is probably explained by the telethon being a bit redundant - as we've observed previously, if the site of centenarians being bundled from their homes in bedsheets after a week of having liquid shitty poison swirling round your ankles isn't enough to get you to donate, Mariah Carey emoting is hardly going to do it.
First there came the tours; then, the academic conferences. Now, The Smiths' march towards national beatification continues with the news that the band are to be added to the Natrional Portrait Gallery collection.
Stephen Wright - not that one, or the other one - has offered a photo he took for the Queen Is Dead sleeve in 1986, and it's been accepted.
It might be a little early to plan a trip down to London to see it, though:
A gallery spokesman said: "We are delighted to have it but there are no definite plans to hang it at the moment. It's been offered and accepted, and will join the National Portrait Gallery collection."
They found space for Opie's Blur pictures quickly enough.
It turns out we might have been wrong about Tatu all along - we'd had them pegged as straight girls pretending to be lesbians in order to flog records. But as they relaunch their career, they're denying it all. Not the being lesbians bit - oh, no, the new Tatu line is that they didn't even pretened to be gay:
"Our first video was about to love between two girls," said member Lena Katina. "We do not pretend to be lesbians -- we've never said we were. Julia (Volkova) just had a baby and currently has a girlfriend, and we've both always had boyfriends. We share a special bond."
Now, even if we allow that "love between two girls" isn't lesbianic in any way, and dressing up as schoolgirls, and kissing in the rain wasn't pretending to be gay, it's not like the only reason people might have thought a band whose name translated as This Girl Loves That Girl were attempting to create an aura of sapphism, is it?
And that's without all the onstage business. And the claims in interviews. You did pretend to be gay, girls; you can't start pretending you didn't just because you were rubbish at it.
Oh, and the new single sounds like your old ones, but without the confidence.
Oasis have a record of dedicating stuff from the stage based on what's happening in the news - we think Noel likes people to know that he isn't thick, and that Newsround keeps him in touch. So, it's not entirely surprising as they take the stage at the Hollywood Bowl they toss out a song for the Katrina Victims. We're not sure, even before the New Orleans authorities get to grips with counting the bodies, their choice was the most well-considered: Live Forever. I suppose we should be grateful that it was a different Britpop band who did Ha Ha, You're Dead.
We're sure those bereaved in one of the largest storms will be delighted to have been asked "did you ever feel the pain in the morning rain?", Noel.
Mick Jagger does come across a bit of a wuss, with his strangely luxuriant hair standing on end at the the thought of living in London with all those bombs. We guess he's afraid if he's injured in an explosion and detained for months in hospital, it'd really screw with his international dashing about to avoid tax.
On the other hand, when we went to read the story on the Daily Snack, the news website of porno-man Richard Desmond's newspapers, we had to conclude that, maybe Jagger has a point being afraid:
You might not expect Ned Flanders to be launching his own record label, but since he shares an alterego with Derek Smalls, Spinal Tap's bassist, perhaps it's not so hi-diddly-highly unlikely. Harry Shearer and his wife, musician Judith Owen have cooked up a deal to release their own music in response to frustrations with the major labels:
"It came from me already being on major (labels) and having less than a joyful experience," Owen told Billboard.com.
"One of the situations where 'new prez' comes in, the whole thing falls apart. After a situation like that, when you've lost your main guy, and you spend your life jumping through hoops trying to please people, it leaves you with the sensation of, 'God, wouldn't it be amazing just to be an artist?' It was a sense of Harry and I both being 'outside of the box artists' in our own fields."
Having said all of which, the stuff released on their label, Courgette Records, will still rely on Warner Group's distribution skills. But then, when you're just being an artist, you don't want to be a van driver as well.
TV On The Radio have been pretty quiet so far this year, which makes their sudden reappearance all the more startling. They've rushed out an mp3 track in response to Hurricane Katrina:
"we (tvotr) were back in the studio thinking and feeling again and made this song for all our everybody... in the absence of a true leader we must not forget that we are still together.... hearts are sick ... minds must change ... it is our hope that this song inspires, comforts, fosters courage, and reminds us... this darkness cannot last if we work together. let us help each other... heal each other .... look after one another ... the human heart is our new capitol.... this song is for you.... us.....we....them... it is free. pass it on.
TO THOSE AFFECTED BY HURRICANE KATRINA : NEW YORK CITY'S HEART IS WITH YOU... STAY STRONG ! WE LOVE YOU . -tvotr"
The track can be downloaded for nowt.
Clue: It's called Dry Drunk Emperor. It's not going to be going onto Bush's iPod.
Arab Strap - who crop up on 6Music this Thursday, on Gideon Coe's show - are going to put themselves on a bus and tour the UK in November:
4th - Manchester, Night & Day
5th - Sheffield, Leadmill
7th - Norwich, Arts Center
8th - Northampton, Soundhaus
10 th - Cambridge, APU
11th - Bristol, AR2
12th - Cardiff, Barfly
13th - Exeter, Cavern
15th - Colchester, Arts Centre
16th - London, Garage
17th - London, Garage
19th - Southhampton, University
20th - Liverpool, Academy 2
21st - Birmingham, Bar Academy
22nd - Leicester, Charlotte
23rd - Newcastle, Uni (Global)
24th - Aberdeen, The Tunnels
25th - Edinburgh, Cabaret Voltaire
27th - Glasgow, King Tut's
Despite earlier reports suggesting Usher had disagreed with Kanye West's summation of the slow reactions of the Bush White House to react to the Katrina crisis, Usher has clarified his position - West was right, and started an important debate:
"Contrary to false media reports, I support the personal opinions made by my friend Kanye West. If it wasn't for his comments, there would not be an open dialogue about the underserved people in the Gulf Region. Our country is in a state of emergency - instead of the media trying to turn celebrities against one another - we should all come together as one and support the victims of this devastating tragedy. Let's all be a blessing to those in need."
Meanwhile, Kanye himself has been out, now relieved of the need to keep quiet imposed on him by the NFL, and talking to Ellen DeGeneres:
"People have lost their lives, their families, their homes, they have no place to go to. The least I can say is to go up there and say something from my heart that's real. There we so many bulletpoints that I had been hearing that wasn't on that teleprompter. I just wanted to bullet point these things that disturbed me so much."
He's about to come over ever so slightly Martin Luther King:
"A lot of time, people let fear get in the way of their dreams and what they need to do. And being in the situation I'm in, you have everything to lose...you can use your endorsements, you can lose this, you can lose that. But there's a whole lot more I could have lost... how about if I like what if I had drowned? What if I didn't eat for five days? People are so concerned with what they can lose."
Okay, Martin Luther King if King had held a Pepsi contract.
As the news media tries to rally support for Bush, West has become a convenient target for the right. Apparently, some news outlets were reporting "lustily booing" - Matt Drudge amongst them. Not so, counterclaim people who were actually at the Boston transmission of the NFL kick-off concert - some boos; but drowned out by cheers. And if the climate has taken so badly against Kanye, how come there are no reports of lusty booing from the other venues where the concert was simulcast?
Apparently Chris Rea's been in hospital. On Friday, he'd been planning to drive in a 24 Hour Rally (it would have been an ordinary rally, but a bunch of twinkwads had been going to drive slowly along the road in front so it would have taken a lot longer, we guess). But Rea was suddenly hit by severe pain. Doctors told him that this ain't no technological breakdown, oh no, this is infected abcesses caused by a complication of insuilin injections.
After an op on Monday, Chris is up and about again. He's eager to get back to work. But we'd suggest you take a couple of months off, Chris. Just to be on the safe side. Maybe a cruise?
The downside of having a hometown gig: People will know, while you're on the stage, that you're not in your house, and it's almost certain everyone else who lives in your house will be at the gig as well.
So it was that Luciano Ligabue got home from his date in Reggio Emilia to discover all his stuff had been burgled.
The burglars made off with two computers, a video projector, a flat-screen TV and even a Renault Clio parked in the 45-year-old rock star's garage, ANSA newswire reported.
What sort of rock star drives a Clio?
Michael Jackson's people seem totally convinced that his attempt to salvage his career ("raise funds for Katrina") is going to take place, announcing that Mariah Carey, James Brown and Snoop Dogg are all on board for the project.
It's interesting that so far, the announcements of the line-up are coming from the Jackson camp, rather than anywhere else:
Jackson is "continuing to reach out to artists who would like to work on him on this project", his spokeswoman said.
"He humbly hopes [it] will make a tremendous difference to all individuals who have been affected by this tragedy."
And which label will have the honour of releasing From The Bottom of My Heart? 2 Seas Records.
No, nor had we - it turns out to be owned by Sheik Abdulla bin Hamad al Khalifa, the son of the King of Bahrain. Bahrain, of course, is a constiutional monarchy where it's illegal to form a political party. In 2002, Bahrain issued a decree granting immunity to those who had commited human rights abuses in the past. In 2004, Amnest International had to become involved to secure the release of Abdul Hadi al-Khawaja following his detention and the closure of the Bahrain Centre for Human Rights. In April, Ghada Jamsheer was charged with "insulting the judiciary", a thinly-veiled attack on her for daring to campaign for women's rights in the country. And more recently, Bahraini security forces beat human rights protesters during a campaign against unemployment. (Despite being an oil-rich nation, the unemployment rate in the country was most recently estimated at 15%; compared with, say, 10% in the Czech Republic.)
Seems to be an odd choice to invite a member of that ruling family to underwrite a charity single, but perhaps we're missing something.
Which reminds us - Jim McCabe was in touch with a link to this Guardian piece, in which his former PR manager (dumped after 17 years) Bob Jones spills where some of the bodies are buried down at Neverland:
In 1984 a young White House counsel, John Roberts, today President Bush's nomination to become the Chief Justice of the United States, wrote a memo in response to a request from Jackson that President Reagan send a letter telling him how great he was.
"The office of presidential correspondence is not yet an adjunct of Michael Jackson's PR firm," reads the memo. "Frankly, I find the obsequious attitude of some members of the White House staff toward Mr Jackson's attendants, and the fawning posture they would have the president of the United States adopt, more than a little embarrassing."
Almost makes you want Roberts to be approved by Congress on the spot, doesn't it?
More pertinently, as Jackson claims to be carrying from the bottom of his heart about the poor of New Orleans, is Jones' revelation that he refers to poor black people as "splaboos"; and through laziness or being too softly-monged on drugs, Jackson cheerfully fakes illness to get out of work:
Jones recounts one performance by the King at the Soul Train Music Awards. Pleading a broken ankle, Jackson performed from a chair. As soon as he reached home with his 12-year-old friend, Jackson tossed his crutches aside.
Hard to believe that that's the same man who turned up at court in his pyjamas because of his bad ba... oh, hang about, it isn't, is it?
There's other wonderful allegations in there (Jermaine Jackson made some mumbling about taking legal action, but so far Jones has received not so much as a cease-and-desist) - Jackson trying to get Liz Taylor to persuade the Queen to knight him, for example. And then, there's the growing realisation that something might be wrong:
"We were in Paris and we're going to the Louvre and the paparazzi is there on motorbikes following," says Jones. "We got to the Louvre and he got out of a bus hand-holding one of these little boys."
Alarmed at the implications for Jackson's image, Jones challenged the singer, to be told that he didn't care.
"I told his manager, I said you're going to get into trouble, this can't happen. And I also told the attorneys and the business manager. These attorneys and the manager making all this money, I guess they thought I was some kind of fool trying to buck the system."
Jones seems a broken man - and a broke man; he was canned by the Jackson camp and left without any pension or income, which is why he's taken full advantage of never having signed a non-dsiclosure agreement; most of all, he seems to be stressed by having to unpick the years of work he did building Jacko up:
Despite all his work to create a myth as the Peter Pan King of Pop, says Jones, people will only remember Michael Jackson for one thing. "He damaged whatever legacy he has. When people think of him now, they think of molestation."
Perhaps Michael's rich friends will buy all the copies
There might be much made of the Blur-Oasis battle taking place ten years ago, but the real significance from a musical point of view was a different release, a few weeks later. Ten years ago today, Kazaa made its debut. While Oasis have failed to change the world, and have barely managed to change their sound, Kazaa has shifted control of the music industry further out of the hands of the big companies than they could ever have expected.
It's worth raising a glass of champagne to the thing. With all its spyware and flaws and dubious legality. Happy birthday, kazaa.
Not bad for an evening's work: following its annointing of I Am A Bird Now as the Mercury Prize Winner, Antony and The Johnsons jumped from 135 into the top 20.
Almost worth risking the curse for, isn't it?
Quick! While there's still some left
We have a certain amount of sympathy for Robbie Williams - as you work your way through year after year of birthday cake, you find that your waistline starts to expand; hills become steeper; newsprint becomes smaller. So we can almost feel sorry for him, as we picture him trying to work out to Take That tunes and finding himself unable to keep up.
Just keep chanting "they mean it well... they mean it kindly" - Nikki Sixx and Chester Bennignton have recorded a duet in aid of those displaced by Katrina. Yes, together at last - Linkin Park and Motley Crue. Sixx takes the chance for a prod at Bush:
Now is the time were asking you to react. Please donate. Please pick up the phone or go online and make a difference, don't wait, our government already did that.
Meanwhile, yesterday evening saw a bunch of Hispanic-American acts - led by Gloria Estefan and Jon Secada - head down to the region with supplies and toys for those stranded. Gloria didn't take the chance to have a prod at Bush:
"Having felt people's love and support first hand through difficult moments in my life makes me feel it's our responsibility to help one another."
We'd love to report that she mouthed "Michael Brown" at the end of that, but she didn't.
If you've been wondering how Charlotte Church managed to go out with that dipshoe Johnson for eighteen months despite his obvious character flaws, it could just be that she's a lousy judge of character. Indeed, she believes that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are in love rather than being held together by a more mundane contract:
Welsh Church once met the Hollywood hunk backstage on US TV's The Tonight Show With Jay Leno and was bowled over by his sincerity.
She says, "He was so genuine. I can't believe that he'd be going out with Katie Holmes if he didn't love her."
And Cruise is just as much a fan of the soprano-turned-pop singer. He once admitted that his children listen to her album as they go to sleep.
Of course, the version his kids are played as they drift off to dreamland does have the ranting of L Ron Hubbard backmasked on it.
Don't run away with the idea that Revolver is just another forumulaic thugs-with-guns flick from the mind of Guy Ritchie. Oh, no, this time it's different: it's a caring movie:
"I like to think there's justification for the punishment inflicted. It's not gratuitous.
"I wanted one person to get their ear shot off but I had to scrap it."
See? It's not just violence for violence's sake, it's punishment. And who can complain about guys being shot providing it's being done as a kangaroo court handing out summary justice.
We're not sure how he squares his wife's ("his") mystical belief system with this Blind Beggar approach to morality - Krayballah, is it?
It's not quite clear why, if this film isn't just a dull gangster geezer flick, it was felt the appropriate way to promote it would be a thirty-two sheet poster depicting gangster geezers waving guns around on the site of a fatal shooting. Perhaps there's a twist in the tale?
Ritchie's film - which he dragged his wife off her sick bed to try and shore up the prepublicity at the Toronto Film Festival - may have set out careful to avoid the glorification of violence, but even on its first showing it has inspired acts of evisceration and several instances of assasination. Admittedly, these are all from the reviewers, and, clearly, they're sure they have justification for the punishment:
[Dismissed as a] "convoluted, risibly overwrought muddle" by one US magazine. Screen International also warned viewers would be left "bewildered and disappointed" by what the Hollywood Reporter described as "pretentious style and fractured storytelling". Hollywood Reporter reviewer Kirk Honeycutt adds: "The movie spins wildly in circles, continually doubling back on itself, repeating scenes - once even backward - and lines of dialogue until a viewer loses a grip on what is supposed to be real."
We had wondered how he was going to spin out the same thin idea to fill another couple of hours of screen time - re-running scenes seems to be pretty inspired.
The shame of it all, though, is that Andre 3000 has got himself muddled up in all this.
