Star Wars: You weren't expecting that, eh? Eh? Eh?

Apparently, there's going to be some surprise casting for the disappointing third Star Wars trilogy:

"Almost every actress in Hollywood wants a role in the new movies but we are keen to cast people who are unexpected."

This, a source, talking to The Sun, supposedly, quoted in the NME.

Did I say surprise casting? I meant stunt casting:

"Florence is being considered for a major part that would turn her into an A-list actress overnight."

The idea that dumping a fairly successful pop singer in a large movie role is "unexpected" is almost sweet.

Just a point, though: being handed a large role in a big Disney film doesn't actually make you an actress. It could just make you over-promoted.

I genuinely don't know if Welch has the acting talent to carry such a role; if she has, it'd be nice to think she got it because of that talent, rather than because someone at Disney wanted to cast "surprises".

Gordon in the morning: Didn't they do well?

Here's something to take on the chin:

FLORENCE Welch's wardrobe must be full of old tuxedos, tap shoes and dodgy top hats.

She admitted that before she started flouncing around in white frocks she used to dress like Sir Bruce Forsyth.

Did she really?

“I was like a cross-dresser but really it was just out of laziness. At times I looked like a cross between Annie Hall and Bruce Forsyth."

Not really, no.

Still, it hasn't stopped them cracking open Photoshop:

Did I say Photoshop? MSPaint, presumably. That's so poorly done there must be someone on the art desk taking the piss, right?

Gordon in the morning: An exotic world

There's some tatty pap snaps of Florence out of the machine in Brazil on Gordon's pages today, which means Gordon has to do one of his say-what-you-see bits of text underneath to try and explain why what might look to the outside world of a seedy invasion of the privacy of a woman in a bikini is actually a proper news story:

She took a right soaking playing underneath this waterfall in Brazil.

It's such an exotic setting you're half expecting[...]

Yes? What, Gordon, is the acme of exoticism? What is the most exotic thing that you can think of? Choose well, my son, for the photo you have is of a woman dancing in a waterfall in South America, which sets the exoticism level quite high. Obviously, you'll have to come up with something more exotic than that. Go on, Gordon, tell us how exotic the photo is:

It's such an exotic setting you're half expecting the Timotei shampoo model to appear and join in the fun.

I'm... I'm not even sure "the Timotei shampoo model" is even a category of thing, you know. It's not like, say, an American Apparel model which has crossed into being the sort of person who you can picture even if you don't know who they are or what they're modelling.

Hit with a writ better than none? Machine, Dance settle

After Gang Gang Dance asked Florence out of Florence Welch's Amazing Musical Machine how it was that Rabbit Heart sounded so much like their House Jam, the two parties have come to a legal settlement.

Liz Bougatsos sounds almost as if she doesn't quite believe Welch's claims that one song was a tribute to the other:

"If she [Welch] would have mentioned it in the beginning, in the press, which we never saw, that would have definitely made a difference," she told BBC 6 Music. "And if she was speaking of an homage at that point, that would have helped as well."

Still, everyone's happy now that royalties are being assigned and we've all suddenly remembered that, oh yes, it was a homage and not a lifting.

"Liam Gallagher is known for his caustic put-downs"

Contactmusic is delighted by the wit of Liam Gallagher. He, they remind us:

is known for his caustic put-downs

So let's prepare ourselves for an onslaught of wit as Gallagher turns his attention to Florence Welch, shall we?

Liam quipped:

Ooh, it's going to be a quip...

"I'm not having someone with ginger hair making music."

Oh, ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, please, give me a moment to pull myself together.

Just in case this brilliant witticism is a little too clever for you, it's a reference to the fact that Florence Welch has red hair, and that... um...

Liam Gallagher is 36 years old.

He does actually manage to be unintentionally funny when he suggests no band has taken Oasis' place:

"People are far off being the best band in England or the best band in the world. There are some good bands out there but there's no one claiming that mantle."

Obviously, there's the humorous belief that Oasis were some sort of pinnacle of achievement in the first place, which is onyl made better by Gallagher's strange belief that the vacuum they've left behind is so huge, it means that there isn't even a best band any more; as if the very concept of being the best band has been abolished in the same way some shirt numbers get retired in sports.

Gordon in the morning: Mercury rising

Yesterday, readers of Gordon's column were sent to the bookies almost certain of a Mercury win for Florence And The Machine, mainly - admittedly - on the strength of 'giving Gordon an excuse to print a sexy picture':

FLORENCE WELCH is the front-runner to scoop glory at tonight's Mercury Music Awards.

And if she does bag the 20 grand prize for 2009's best album, I suspect that by the end of the evening she could be pulling a similar pose to this - crawling around London's Grosvenor House Hotel.

So, this morning Sun readers must be... apparently not at all surprised at the outcome:

The Sun's Something For The Weekend section said last week that Speech was the "most deserving" nominee.

Still, regardless of Speech's win, Gordon knows where the moral victory is, and marks the occasion with a large, sexy photo of Florence Welch in a short leather skirt.

Elsewhere, Yoko Ono popped up at the GQ "man of the year" awards. You can calibrate how well-judged these prizes are by considering that they believe Guy Ritchie to be filmmaker of the year and George Osbourne to be politician of the year (a view which even David Cameron would double-take.) Yoko's appearance was yet another part of the grinding publicity for the Beatles Game ("was quite a coup for the magazine publishers"), but she ended up being asked to talk about Take That:

Beaming Yoko said: "I love Shine. I know most of their greatest hits. They're a great British band."

It might sound like faint praise to you, but she didn't have to write any of the names on her hand, and she didn't go "that one from the adverts with Alan Hansen in - that's one of theirs, isn't it?"

Gordon, though, senses high praise:

And the feeling's mutual.

Mark said: "It's amazing that Yoko thinks that about our music. It is an honour to accept an award from her."

"I quite like some of their greatest hits" and "it's nice that Yoko quite likes our greatest hits". Mutual love-in, isn't it?

By the time this has been processed for an article teaser, it comes out as this:

Yoko Ono: TT are new Fab 4

JOHN Lennon’s widow is a big fan of the man band – naming Shine as her favourite track

Or at least the one that somebody whispered in her ear before she went on stage.