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Or at least she hopes she can convince as one. Yes, the casting for perhaps the least wanted revisiting of an old TV programme continues, with Jennifer Lopez being lined up to take the role of Sue Ellen in the big screen Dallas.
Justin Timberlake is still hankering after Digger Barnes, we hear.
We were amused to discover that, in pitching for a new career as a burlesque dancer [NSFW-ish], Samantha Cashmere has cited her "several years in the entertainment industry" as relevant experience.
It's interesting not only because the very idea that a burlesque dancer is going to be chosen because of cv box ticking rather than basque filling is odd, but more because her role was "wife of Chester Bennington" which, even if you accept the argument that Linkin Park are related to the entertainment industry in any way, hardly makes sense. After all, while some partners share a career (Esther Rantzen and Desmond Morris, for example) they both have to work at it - you wouldn't let the wife of a surgeon have a go at fixing your spleen on the strength of her having having bought a house in Penge with someone who went to medical school, would you?
Well, that's the FA out of that awkward hole: the Kaiser Chiefs don't want to do a song for England*:
"We're flattered about these rumours regarding the England football team's World Cup song, but there's no truth in them, they are just rumours. The only writing we'll be doing in the next few months will be for our next album. We have no plans to write the England football team's World Cup song. Sorry to dispel the myth."
* - and as such are TREACHEROUS TRAITORS. And you know what we do with traitors, don't you?
Field Music have a lovely new album out on April 24th; to celebrate, they're dancing round the UK next month:
23 Brighton Audio
24 Manchester Roadhouse
25 London 100 Club
26 Leeds Cockpit
27 Glasgow Kings Tuts
28 Liverpool Academy
(We're presuming that's the old L2 Academy and not the old Mountford Hall, but we'd advise you to check locally. Mind you, if you go to the wrong one it's only a five minute walk to the other, which at your age shouldn't be a problem.
USA Today's surprisingly good entertainment blog PopCandy meets Beth Orton:
Do you remember the first record you ever bought?
With my own money? Well, I think it might've been Dexy's Midnight Runners, the second album that they did. The one where they were wearing baggy thingamabobs ...
Overalls?
Yeah! That and Soft Cell's Erotic Non-Stop ... whatchamacallit.
And this is where an early diet of dungarees and sex dwarves gets you, then...
Interesting news from South Park today, as Isaac Hayes has quit the show because, ten seasons in, he's just noticed that it has a pop at religion:
"There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry toward religious beliefs and others begins," Hayes said in a statement issued through his spokesman in New York.
Oddly enough, it turns out that point is where they stop taking the piss out of Cable TV Christianity and start scoffing at Scientology. Which happens to be Hayes' personal belief system. It seems Isaac was cool with Jesus And Pals, but the moment you start suggesting that Scientology is a bunch of mumbo cooked up as a bet by L Ron Hubbard turned into the sort of highly efficient money-making machine that would leave a high street bank looking like a charity, and that's just going a little too far.
It's just like those stories about old people separated by the war marrying forty years later, even down to the way no matter how cute it is, you really don't want to imagine the consumation. Desperate Housewive's Nicollette Sheridan is engaged to Michael Bolton, fourteen years after they dated.
They sit around in the few moments when they're not praying, and wonder where they went wrong. They're the nuns who taught Shakira her values, and they don't like her habit of not wearing many clothes a lot of the time:
"One of the nuns is looking for me after seeing the Don't Bother video," she says. "A lot of people think I like to expose my body, but I don't. It's just because the dance moves require it."
Mind you, the nuns can talk. Nuns, eh? They don't have to dress up like nuns, you know. It's just the Vatican requires it, if you know what I mean.
Apparently, Britney Spears has been spotted in a hotel room with a wooden human-like effigy that she believes can assist her in becoming pregnant.
As well as Kevin Federline, though, she also had a Hawaiian fertility doll with her.
Bono's ability to turn sympathy into a seething rage manages to surface every time, doesn't it? You feel for U2, one of whom has a family member so ill they've had to postpone tour dates; then up strides Bono who makes a little speech about how great this proves he is ("they are"):
“I can’t really go into details but a family member was very ill and there was a lot of distress and angst.
“We are coming back in November. We’ve almost locked in the dates and that is a great relief.
“Our music does come from a very tight community and if one of us is going through something then we all are going through it.”
You wonder if he's like this all the time, at home, even: "Tonight, we're having pizza from Dominos. Because if you're feeling a little tired and don't want to cook... [meaningful pause] ... I'm more than happy to dial up for an American Hot, two garlic breads and a bottle of pop. That's just the way I am. And I'm gonna tip the delivery boy."
One of the band was understandably going to have to be elsewhere; that's 25% of the band. Under those circumstances, it's no more unique-to-the-band-with-a-special-bond to cancel the gigs than it would be to not drive a car because it was missing one of its wheels.
"This Jaguar has got a flat... and let me tell you, there's no way I'd even think of driving this car anywhere until it had all four wheels, ready to go in the same direction, at the same time..."
The all-new Sugababes are doing their bit for the breast cancer charity by offering a set of stuff for auction, including including a pair of tights. Unworn, though, which will hold the price down. There's also a chance to get to speak to the band:
Bid on this item that money can't (or couldn't usually!) buy... the chance to speak to Heidi, Keisha and Amelle.
We're not sure, but we believe the current leading bidder on that one is Mutya.
Apparently, Shayne Ward's mobile phone has got a virus on it and is sending out porn-filled texts to everyone in his contact list. And Robbie Williams is on that list, of course, what with him being a big fan (or was it Chico he liked?). Let's hope Robbie realised it wasn't Shayne actually sending him sexy come-ons, as we all know how much he'd hate that sort of thing.
This is quite a nice little story, about people picking up their lives, and it comes with a photo of Kylie Minogue on an elephant:
Kylie has been to see a group of kids who formed a theatre group after surviving the tsunami.
Well, since it's almost mathematically impossible to get tickets for Glastonbury, you can comfort yourself if you don't get to go next year with the thought that Michael Eavis is trying to persuade Dire Straits to reunite for the 2007 festival.
Bobbing headbands and The Walk of Life. That's worth queueing four hours to crap in a small plastic box for, isn't it?
As part of the whole new look to This is Fake DIY (dot co dot uk, of course), they've shoved furniture about and moved some of their excelt spreadsheets to make room for rather fine downloads - including the hotly tipped Monkey Swallows The Universe just to be going on with.
Apparently unconcerned by the flop of Bob Patterson, Usher is making the leap into motivational speaking. To be fair, he's not setting himself too hard a mission on his first job: suggesting to ninth graders that they might want to consider a career in entertainment or sports.
Yeah, that's going to be a tricky sell.
Starting to look a little too obsessed, John Lydon has started banging on about Green Day again:
"[They're] sticky tape on a duck's arse. They wouldn't have survived [the punk heyday]. We had to earn the wings. We made it easy for them to come in and nick things from us. Silly fat kids. It was hard times we went through for them to come and nick our ideas."
What's that, Grampa Joe? Kids today don't know how you suffered? They 'ave it easy, with their Segways and iPods when all you had was a space hopper and a pianola?
And, from a guy who fronted a band with the neither exactly svelte nor smart Cook and Jones, "silly fat kids" is hardly a fitting barb, is it?
Following on from the Sex Pistol's boycott of their induction into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame - which seemed to be a spat over how much tickets cost - and the news that they've flogged their back catalogue to be used to sell whatever, comes the report that California isn't sunny enough for Steve Jones and he might have to move to hawaii instead.
Not, of course, that they're not punks any more.
With the FA keen to avoid any nasty behaviour tied to the past history of our two nations when England travel to Germany for the World Cup. In a bid to put the idea that we've never got over the two world wars behind us, they're thinking of getting the Kaiser Chiefs to do the official song.
Presumably Craig Ferguson was unwilling to revive his Bing Hitler character.
In what T-Mobile insists is an example of the Streets "keeping it real", Mike Skinner is going to be playing a big secret gig somewhere in London. You enter a draw for the tickets, and the lucky winners will be told to assemble at a location, from where they will be taken by boat to the gig.
Of course, that does cut down the number of places where the gig could be happening - Uxbridge and Bromley are off the list for a start; it's going to have to be somewhere where you can disembark from a boat on the Thames, then.
We're not sure why Skinner's doing this - maybe it's in return for them sorting out the reception in his kitchen?
Oddly, the terms and conditions for the competition state that "no purchase is neccesary" and yet that you have to be a "customer of T-Mobile" - how does one get to be T-Mobile customer without making a purchase?
Three years back, the Cosmic Rought Riders were dropped by Alan Mcgee and Poptones - "despite four Top 40 singles and single-handedly helping keep Poptones label afloat with 50,000 sales of their album Enjoy The Melodic Sunshine", observes an outraged Daily Record, although we're not quite sure how you can do something "single-handedly" if you're simply "helping" do something.
Anyway, the band scraped together the cash for a self-released album, and now have been granted a second chance with their signing to Korova. They're very excited that it's Nick Stewart who's picked them up, because he signed U2 to Island. (Interestingly, nobody seems able to cite something he might have done since then, but it was only twenty-odd years ago.) Stephen Rough Rider is especially excited:
"If we could have anything like the success U2 have had we wouldn't say no."
It'll only be a matter of months, then, before they're wading in to the Canadian elections.
Sorry... we keep forgetting that Lemar won a Brit Award last month. Mind you, he probably does too, to be honest. Anyway, apparently Joss Stone and Lemar are seeing each other, with The Sun clucking over their "behaviour":
The couple later returned to Joss’s house where they locked themselves away for the night in private.
Normal people, of course, usually leave their front doors wide open when they go home of an evening, so clearly there must be something to hide.
Apparently, even a handful of those special blue pills leaves Ozzy struggling to get himself interested in former Asda worker Sharon Osbourne:
“I can’t do it. I’m on anti-depressants. I take four Viagra and it doesn’t work — it doesn’t do anything!”
It's only medicine, Ozzy, they're not magic bloody beans.
Sharon, meanwhile, is keen to put on a brave face:
X Factor judge Sharon, 52, who is also on anti-depressants, insisted it wasn’t a brother-sister type relationship.
Well, you'd hope not, as a brother who's trying four viagra in order to shag his sister would be pretty screwed up.
We love, by the way, The Sun's observation that Sharon is "also on anti-depressants" - this, of course, the same woman ITV have hired for a teatime chatshow on the strength of how bubbly she is.
In an astonishing exclusive revelation they, erm, read in another newspaper, today's 3AM girls have an insight into how P Diddy feels about body hair:
"I don't have a lot of body hair. If I did, I'd get rid of it. For a woman, a wax is necessary. It makes everything smoother and more attainable. It makes room for all the advances I make when I'm going to please her."
Huh? Do we suppose from this that in the past he's dated women with such verdant pubic hair there's no room for him to squeeze himself in? Or just simply that Puff has never actually seen a naked woman and so just imagines that, unwaxed, venturing inside a woman's pants would be like trying to force your way through the sort of bushes you find in the middle of a roundabout on a busy motorway slip road?
Things the world could easily do without: Another Animal, a band featuring a couple of members of Godsmack and Whit Crane, Ugly Kid Joe's singer.
We can point you in the direction of shovels; we suggest you create a bunker of your own.
After nine diligent years of quietly stalking Linda Ronstadt (literally "Ron's Town"), Bernie Oritz has been told to stop. By a judge:
Court documents indicate Ortiz began trying to meet Ronstadt in May 1997, going so far as to show up at her brother's home repeatedly.
Are they sure it was her he was stalking and not her brother?
Poor Gennaro - sure, he can vouchsafe an opinion on almost anything, but film clearly isn't his thing. Indeed, as he gives quote on Crash's success at the Oscars, you can almost edit in back the long pauses and the "err... um"s:
HMV spokesman Gennaro Castaldo said an Oscar win was "the best endorsement you can get."
"The great thing about Crash is that the film itself came out some time ago," he continued. "While it was critically acclaimed at the time, it may have passed some people by had it not won the Oscar."
The DVD of Crash was released on December 5th last year.
They've denied and confirmed it and denied it again so often, we're not surprised that Courtney Love and Steve Coogan are still shagging each other: like the rest of us, they're probably confused if they are meant to be lovers, or not, or if they've ever met.
What makes it even more confusing is Courtney is quite happy to chirrup away about how they're bunking each other up, on a non-exclusive basis, while wailing about how terrible it was that it was all in the papers:
"I went through suicidal depression over what happened in the summer. I could never go through that again. And now I've been sober for eight months - and I never want to go back to that."
More interesting - or at least not as horrible to picture - is this bit:
Courtney is preparing to sell a share of her rights to the Nirvana back catalogue. She said: "It's not a fire sale or anything but I'm selling 25 per cent of the catalogue for quite a lot of money."
It's only going to be a matter of time before we see Smells Like advertising Teen Spirit, then.
If anyone's still interested, Kate Moss is apparently seeing Pete Doherty again, and has given him the key to her flat in St John's Wood, London, England. But don't think she's weak, though:
Kate's laid down some ground rules though. My source close to the model, 32, revealed: "She's told Doherty he has four weeks to show her he can keep out of trouble and away from drugs. She is worried about being tarnished with unpredictable Pete just when everything's on the right track with her career and daughter."
Well, yes, Kate. If you tell him he's got to shape up, that'll really work this time round. When did the "four weeks out of trouble" start from - did the clock begin ticking when he was stopped on the streets of Birmingham?
Another source close to Pete told me: "Kate is the woman he loves and he will try everything to stay with her."
Apart, of course, from keeping off the drugs or completing the expensive rehab she paid for in Arizona.
The ten most loved things this week turned out to be:
1. We'll know the Chantelle bubble has burst when the review of the week which mentioned her naked starts to wane
2. Kanye West thinks Arctic Monkeys have a dash of Phil Collins about them
3. KT Tunstall's lesbian trouser holders
4. We wonder if we should have said something about Preston naked this week
5. The review which had a double hit - Chantelle and KT
6. Yes, Britney, Avril, May 2004
7. Goldie Lookin' Chain embrace the opportunities of being downsized from their label
8. Ivor Cutler, RIP
9. Ryan Adams copyists face 11 years
10. NME Awards from the comfort of a sofa
This week, Blogger hasn't been quite as resolute as we might have liked and, certainly, sometimes we've been greeted with blank pages instead of snippy attacks on Bono. Hopefully, they'll be fixing this soon: we can only suggest trying again if it happens to you. Or going off to read Popjustice instead.
You can enjoy every single post from this week on a single page
or review the previous week in a single post
With Madonna announcing she was quitting acting, we reveiwed her entire thespianic career, from cult sex-slave to princess chum of a near-blind aardvark
...and we suggested that this might be a good way to spend any cash gifts from foreign Prime Ministers:
Mogwai's Mr Beast - buy it because they hate you
Take a step beyond Arcade Fire, and discover My Latest Novel
Popular asterisked indiepop thrills
Not totally convinced Mudhoney haven't lapsed into self-parody with this one
This would have been 6x7's career-closing round-up, but they're getting back together this year
It's not quite the British Buffy, and this season does run out of steam half way through, but it's good comfort TV
A compilation of trailers for gay, lesbian and bisexual movie from mainstream cinema, 1953-1977
