Saturday, December 21, 2002

Scary goth skeleton news service

Shakira gives third world kids running shoes - "Hey, we spend sixteen hours a day making these bloody things just for you to give them straight back to us?"... Noel Gallagher bans Christmas from his house as he finds it depressing - oddly, the exact same reason that Oasis are banned from our house... Port Vale send begging letter to Robbie Williams - "Please support Stoke instead", we imagine... FridayThing launches campaign for 'Real Christmas Number One' - is promoting The Cheeky Girls over Girls Aloud really striking a blow for proper music?... Results of World Service 'best song ever' announced - defintively proving which special interest group is best at fixing online votes... Billboard writers select Coldplay as best album of 2002 - encouraged to get out more, try speaking to girls in 2003


Thursday, December 19, 2002

We interrupt this period of inaction to scoff

The BPI claim one site hosted eight million downloads of the entire Linkin Park album. I really hope they're just lying and not so painfully stupid as to actually believe that.


Wednesday, December 18, 2002

Kylie-thin skeleton news service

Fatboy Slim plans vote on whether to hold Brighton Beach party in 2003 - calling Jeb Bush to organise a 'Yes' vote... Radiohead celebrate Christmas with a webcast - tidings of comfort, joy not expected... Moby changes hotel to avoid meeting Eminem "in interests of personal safety" - complete collapse into self-parody now complete... Yoko Ono says she won't sue McCartney over changes to songwriting credits - "If he wants to mess about with the winning John Lennon And His Beatles formula, that's his choice" simpers the proto-Courtney... Minelli and Garland tat collecting husband to sue VH1 over axed reality show, citing First Amendment right of all Americans to be held up to public Ridicule...


Saturday, December 14, 2002

Skeleton news service

Lee Roth sues Van Halen - again?... Ryan Adams to open for Rolling Stones, complete transition from prince of cool to embarrassing 'New Weller' in 2003... David wins Fame Academy and promises to return to sing at next year's final if the manager at KFC will give him the night off... BBC invite listener's comments on Mariah's new album and record company and PR rally round...


Friday, December 13, 2002

That when you bow, you leave the crowd

It's been incredibly quiet in the music world today - a couple of new stories on nme.com, nothing since ten at ananova, so we feel slightly less guilty about slipping out the door for Christmas - possibly the odd update in the next few weeks, but we'll not be back with a full service until the 30th. So, we'd like to take this opportunity to wish everyone who reads this a very, merry Christmas (or whatever it is you're doing) and hope you'll join us again when we return.

Meanwhile, as part of the bothsidesnow Christmas special, there's a pull out guide to music on TV over the holidays and - yes - another list of best tracks of 2002.


What can't we face if we're together?

Nickeback goat-man Chad Kroeger has been whining because his friends couldn't get into a backstage event at the Billboard awards.

"They wouldn't let our people in because they didn't have laminates."

Right, and your point being, Chad? Look, if your people fucked up and didn't get your guestlist in in time, that's your problem, not theirs. Or maybe there's some sort of exception to the rule because you're so ugly you think security would just know someone turning up at the door saying she's your wife would have to be, as nobody else would claim that even to sneak into a party? You might not have heard, Chad, but the whole of the US is a little jumpy right now, what with the smallpox and the rap wars and the shooting of one of Run DMC and the Iraq crisis.

Maybe you should think about the security implications before you open your mouth and sound like a bullock head. Oh, and - really - don't worry about the same thing happening at next year's awards. Can you say "Stiltskin"?


The same old tricks, why should we care?

Macy Gray, Lil' Kim and Queen Latifah attempt to ride the coattails of Moulin Rouge ("team up for Chicago track").


I'll never tell

Official Glastonbury Site, yesterday: "the festival makes no assumption that it will get a license"

nme.com, today: After the meeting Michael Eavis said he was "not too bothered" by the failure to secure a licence and that he would be appealing to magistrates.

"We lost by one vote and the unfortunate thing was that the members weren't all there and it was a poorly attended meeting," he said.

"We will go to the magistrates court and appeal. The council, police and fire service have been very supportive."

"We are not too bothered and I think it's all going to be fine."


Thursday, December 12, 2002

Missy turns Solanas

Missy Elliot may have a reputation as a bit of a ball-buster. Not without reason, it seems, as she's teaming up with PETA to get animals neutered.


Now we don't encourage this sort of thing

And much as we hate Moby and his smug little attitude, we don't condone the rather odd attack on him in Boston. It's a terrible thing to happen to anyone. Especially since it results in journal entries like this. Stop being so understanding...


An open goal


Nsync unveil uncannily lifelike waxworks. The rest writes itself.


Is this how they're filling time since they got dropped?

Toploader 17


Google-eh?

Whoever was looking for "pictures of Holly Valance and Britney Spears having lesbian sex" - what other sort of sex could they have been having? And... did you really expect to find it?


Queerzine

Always nice to come across a magazine for non-straights that isn't stuffed with cock, and solanasonline is certainly one of those. We mention it here because it's got a LeTigre feature in it.


I'm sorry I can't be with you, but as you can see, I really can't be arsed

Ms Dynamite backlash? Yes, if you'd like to stand here, sir, she'll be pissing on some kids' Christmas dreams in a moment.


While the record labels lecture us about probity and legality and rights and honesty

The French police are raiding Vivendi Universal's headquarters to investigate claims that the parent company of Universal and Island records knowingly published false information.


I collect, I reject

While normally we think that an iPod is the finest thing in the world, we're not sure about celebrity-autographed limited edition iPods. An extra fifty bucks just to have No Doubt's logo engraved on it? (and since engraving of anything costs USD20, that's thirty bucks for the logo.) Hint: buy an iPod, buy some stickers. Job done.


Rosen's cranky guild are stern and dead

We only got round to reading Hilary Rosen's USA Today piece this morning, and we approach it rather like Buffy at the start of the musical episode - heavily world weary and feeling like we've been here so many times before. Still, maybe this time she'll tell us something that we not only didn't know, but didn't not know because it's made up. Let's see:

The editorial above urges the recording industry to aggressively focus its energies on a legitimate online music market. That is exactly what the industry is doing, with nearly a dozen online services now up and running.

Well, no - it's not what the industry is doing. Sure, it's gotten some services going, in a limited, toe-in-the-water sort of way, and just now something a bit more solid is being hammered together. But the industry isn't focusing its energies here at all - the actions of the RIAA are still staring gimlet eyed at trashing peer to peer networks, pursuing 'theives' and threatening universities and businesses.

How much money is being spent on making adverts with stars going "it's like stealing a CD from the store" compared to the spend on actively promoting the new systems? And can't you see that a dozen separate services is compounding the problem rather than solving it - what Napster and Kazaza and the others had in their favour was universality - you looked for stuff, it was there, you downloaded, you played. You didn't have to try and remember which offshoot of the military-industrial complex the artist you wanted had been enlisted to, try and find a partner service to that label, search in the hope the download was available, sign up to a payment system, have a card validated, wait for an email, sign back in to the partner site, do the download, find out the software required to play the tune wasn't on your system, go to the software download site, download the software, install it, find it doesn't work with your system, go to Limewire, download an MP3 and play it.
Record labels together with technology companies are meeting consumers' desire to access music online. Looking back over the past year, the legitimate marketplace has grown by leaps and bounds. Four different services now offer content from every major music company, and several others provide a rich array of music and listening options. Music fans can enjoy hundreds of thousands of tracks in many different ways.

That's not meeting consumer's desires. What we want is a central place where you can download music in the format we've chosen, which our computers can handle, and our CD players and iPods and Rios work on - MP3. We don't want new formats of encoding that offer no advantage to us and constrain how we can use the music we've paid for.
But what these services do not yet have is enough customers. No business can be expected to compete against an illegal service that is offering the same product for free.

Bollocks. It's more than possible for commercial services to thrive alongside free services. ITV has managed to exist alongside the free services of the BBC; many newspaper markets have freesheets which co-exist with paid for titles. The fact your competitors are illegal should make it easier, not harder, for you to compete because you do have the ability to appeal to people's better nature. The trouble is that you're not offering the same product for free. You're offering a less useful version of the product - the reason why people aren't downloading from the official services is that they don't give people what they want. They want music they can burn to their CDs, stick onto their portables, that they can use. The RIAA position is akin to offering the news values of Metro, but expecting people to pay International Herald-Tribune subscription rates for it. It needs to be the other way round.
If the legitimate services are to have a chance to succeed in the marketplace, we must take action against those who trample the copyrights of songwriters, artists and record labels.

Hmmm. Well, possibly - let's leave aside the way record labels are quite happy to trample the rights of the artists themselves, seeing as its Christmas. Of course, if you'd got your arses into gear earlier, you wouldn't have been in this position, would you? Its not like people didn't tell you this was the way the wind was blowing. The free services are squatting in a house you left unoccupied and uncherished. Your now using the courts to try and win back an advantage you squandered.
The notion that pursuing peer-to-peer network piracy violates personal privacy is just plain wrong.

First, no one enjoys the right to commit a federal crime anonymously, and downloading or uploading copyrighted works such as software, movies or music without permission is clearly illegal.

Bollocks squared. If you're checking a person's computers to see what they've got, it's invasion of privacy. Unless you have some sort of strange stoolpigeon network, whereby someone rings the green phone in your office with a tipoff - "Ginger Teaspout is downloading Kenny Loggins from Bearshare now" - the only way you can possibly tell what's on a person's computer is by looking at it. And since nobody calls files things like "Bruce Spingsteen - Born To Run - have never bought the record.mp3", the only way you can begin to find out if a file called 'borntorun.mp3' is a downloaded naughty Bruce-steal is by looking at the contents. That seems pretty much like invasion of privacy to me.
Second, users open up their computers to the peer-to-peer networks, not copyright owners. It's like walking down the street holding up a sign and then being mad that someone has read it.

Bollocks cubed. It's actually like leaving a catflap in your front door, and then being mad that someone has snuck through it and started to rifle through your personal papers - i.e. fair enough.
And third, colleges and others can address this problem in non-invasive ways, such as using filtering systems and bandwidth-management controls.

Tesseract of bollocks. Filtering systems? Do you mean checking what people are sending from their own discs? That sounds pretty much like an invasion of privacy to me. And, more importantly, "bandwidth management controls" - are you really so blinkered to the rest of the world that you think the only thing that university computers are used for is to swap Bruce Hornsby songs? Did it ever once occur to your well-rewarded brain that there are many, many reasons why university networks might be transmitting large volumes of data over the internet? Should we really shackle academia in order to ensure that Mariah Carey doesn't lose the odd sale? "Sorry, Mrs. Kapinski, but we tried to send your CAT scan data to an expert in a University Teaching Hospital, but it bounced back. I'm sure you understand, though - your health is nowhere near as important as ensuring Now Thats What I Call Music 8 doesn't underperform."
Ironically, it's the peer-to-peer networks that actually put users' privacy at greatest risk. A recent study by Hewlett-Packard showed that typical users of a network such as Kazaa inadvertently expose personal files, including credit card information and e-mail, for millions to rummage through.

Opps. Is my face ever red now - I'd assumed all along the RIAA campaign is about trying to protect its sometimes dubiously obtained copyrights in the face of people who are sick of paying over the odds for recorded music. But it turns out that its actually only been trying to save ourselves from the nasty hackers who are "rummaging through" our hard drives stealing our credit card numbers and emails. Say, do you suppose that's how the Daily Mail got hold of those Cherie Blair emails - was she attempting to find Charlie Drake's My Boomerang Won't Come Back and let the journalists in while she was doing it?
Given the scope of the problem, we are taking measured steps to combat online piracy. These efforts are a necessary means to an important end, which is an expanding and dynamic legitimate online marketplace — a reality achieved after a year of progress and multiple new licensing agreements from the major record companies.

This would be the dynamic legitimate online market place that you said a few paragraphs ago that doesn't have customers because of the existing free alternatives, would it? Let's be fair again and assume that maybe you expected nobody would make it through this far.
Hilary Rosen is chairman and CEO of the Recording Industry Association of America. For legitimate services to thrive, violators must be stopped.

That's exactly how it ends on the USA Today website. Curious, isn't it? Do they mean people are violating Hilary? Or has that become the the full title of the RIAA?


It's not just when the policemen look younger

An orneryboy strip which will make those of us old enough to remember Kid Jensen's show smile with recognition. And fear.


Keeping it in the family

Flicking idly through PA photos, we couldn't help but notice the spooky way Cherie Blair looks like she might be the mysterious songwriting mother of the Cheeky Girls:


Nice, Nas

For once, we have a bit of sympathy for a major label. Sony, called by sohh.com to see if they could clairfy why Nas says he "looks up to Hitler" said they "weren't clear at the direction" the rapper was coming from. We're not sure if even any extra clarity at the direction would help much.

Still, doubtless the BNP will be knocking together a page thanking him for his support.

Talking of which, they've still got the page about Dannii Minogue up on their site - Dannii, what's happened to your legal action? Would you like us to pay for a courrier to get the papers round there?


The Saddest Song

Very sad to come in to the office this morning to hear the news of the death of Mary Hansen of Stereolab. Amongst the many tributes to the multi-instrumentalist - another cyclist lost on the roads - we like ChartAttack's ten reasons why Mary was cool.


Wednesday, December 11, 2002

Pop Papers: Supplemental - do you see what we did there?

We neglected to mention that the nme this week comes with a pull out of Melody Maker style "images of the year" - Coldplay; Kelly Osbourne; Liam; Von Bondies; Cooper Temple Clause; The Hives; The Strokes; the Datsuns; The Vines. The choice is curious - none of the really great pictures of the year (White Stripes with New York between them, for instance) and even the most photogenic band don't come across that well - how can you have a picture of Craig that doesn't make you sticky?


What the pop papers say: The pre-festive edition

The Wall Street Journal has rumbled that certain American groups are playing off the two sides of Atlantic against each other. The way they reckon it works is a bunch of good looking young Americans fly to London. Englanders, perhaps still recalling all the glorious pantyhose brought to us during the war, fall for these kids and assume they must be cult heroes. As a result, the nme annoints one or two of them The Greatest New Band Ever each week. Whereupon, the band returns home, shows off their fawning UK press coverage and the Americans - who still have a soft spot for the Beatles - decide that if the country that names its airports after hypocritic guitar players likes 'em, there must be something to them, and enthusiastically adopt them. Mind, if even the WSJ can see through the process, it can't have much more life left in it, can it? And it only seems to work for the pretty and good acts - Andrew WK still flounders round in mid-Atlantic...

Liam's fight gets the sort of coverage the tabloids would give to pictures of Cherie Blair fisting Michael Barrymore, spreading his dull brawl over pages 1, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7. The lowlights of this unedifying coverage of an unedifying event include speculation that it cost Oasis a million (although two pages later, it costs them six million); a picture of Tony Soprano (because the fight was with Italians, see?); a photomontage of Liam decked out like Gladiator - presumably because Russell Crowe is another cunt who punches people more or less at will; a photo of a dental x-ray captioned "how an x-ray of Liam's teeth might have looked" and "Could this be the end for Noel and Liam" (erm, they don't know). Presumably if he'd lost an eye, we'd have had a few extra pages of coverage...

In 'other news' (or, rather, actual news), there's that story of how the Blur single got mistaken for a bomb and blown up - since its likely to look like a bomb when it's released, police are already courdoning off the lower end of the Top 50 for a controlled explosion; the Serbs are pissed off that they have to fork out nearly a third of a month's wages to see the Rolling Stones - lets hope they don't get faced with having to fork out for the current Michelle Shocked tour; the nme "exclusively reveals" that Major Record Labels want to sign the Yeah Yeah Yeahs (next week: major governments want to arrest Osama Bin Laden - exclusive); Kelly Osbourne got the hump because the Sugababes didn't come out to talk to her at the Smash Hits parties - but Kelly, they're very busy. Maybe if you ask your daddy nicely, he'll take you to another one of their gigs; Zwan's new album is going to be called Mary Star of the Sea - Billy Corgan is just rubbish at names, isn't he?; the White Stripes are putting out a special Christmas single, but the nme is very disappointed that Jack hasn't responded to Ryan Adam's taunts from last week - maybe Jack had more important things to do; like re-order his spice rack or apply Bible Code principles to discover hidden messages in Bloomberg TV's news ticker; and the nme tells us what to expect from Jackass the Movie - puerile humour and some stupid people injuring themselves - am I right?...

Erol Alkan, trash club supremo, does the make-believe CD, including Moose's Suzanne - one of the greatest records ever made, of course. Russell Moose - what would we have let that man do to us? Even beyond the point of passing out?...

hot new band is the star spangles, who get bored and go for McDonalds instead of waiting to be interviewed...

in a nice touch, you the reader are asked to choose between two things in about a dozen categories - spit or swallow; red or black; melody maker or select - and next week you can compare your responses to your favourite stars and find out if that stalking actually does have a basis to it after all...

one of the hellacopters is called Boba Fett - not, we'd imagine, his given name...

we're also not convinced one of the soledad brothers really is called Johnny Walker - we're guessing he's just a big fan of radio 2's hookers and gin king...

we're banging our head with spoons - the nme has got a big interview with pink in which they overwhelm her by pointing out she does what Kurt did, but while selling records - and yet they give the cover to fucking chimpy boy chimp gallagher. Way to go, nme - still, at least you've spared yourself six "How dare you give the front page to Pink" letters. She claims to be "apple sauce on the inside" which we don't know means anything, but certainly opens up the chance for us to sink to a new low for pop papers and say "can we dip our pork into that, love?"...

reviews:
lps:
new order - retro - "tries to make schizophrenia fashionable", 7
wit - whatever it takes - "electroclash is evolving", 7 (nb: WIT are scary looking bananarama of electroclash)
fat joe - loyalty - "a niche, but a big one", 6

singles
sotw - jet - dirtysweet - "the rest is going to be history"
others - the white stripes - merry christma from - "it's ace"
avril lavigne - sk8r boi - "in years to come, will be alongside 'I think we're alone now' and 'mickey'

live
ikara colt - london ica - "defy health and safety"
brmc - leeds black canvas - "the word is 'summer'"
jackie o - manchester roundhouse - "genuine contenders"

and, finally, "it was great" wibbles some loser in the photo section "to be able to tell Liam he is the best singer in the greatest rock & roll band in the world." Yeah? Why not go out and tell six year olds they can fly, you cruel fuck.


Surely they can't be suggesting...

That the doctor struck off for filling up Winona Ryder's medicine chest was doing the same thing for Courtney Love, can they? That might be a bit risky what with Courtney threatening the Smoking Gun with legal action over another Doctor's notes.

[UPDATE: The story has been overwritten, however, the original remains at Archive.org]


Pick the RIAA's pockets

We wonder whether the RIAA will make an advert to promote the CD Minumum Advertised Price Antitrust Litigation Settlement along the model of their downloading ads?

They could have Britney Spears, tears in her eyes, comparing deliberately fixing the prices of CDs to "going into someone's house and taking money from their pocket book, their purse or even a small child's piggybank."

The sums involved might not be massive - even a Peel-esque bout of music purchase may only get you back twenty bucks, but remember - it's your legal right, and every single cent you claw back from the labels is a cent less for them to spend on sending threatening letters to Universities. Americans, the CD MAP Settlement form awaits you.


Things we didn't know

How could we be expected to know that Colin Murray, hereafter known as "the indie Adrian John", was a presenter on Channel 4's RISE?

We've never met anyone who watches the beleagured breakfast show, much less knew the name of its presentation team (is it a team? Or some woman they found presenting a second-string Beadle-type show on Sky and a couple of muppets?).

What's really funny is the way that everyone's behaving like Murray is the new presenter, rather than the bloke called in to piss on the fire while they wait for Zane Lowe to drive up in spring.


Nobody chose Animal (Fuck Like A Beast), then

The people at Music Choice asked 10,000 Britons what music they played when they shagged. Sexual Healing came first, which makes you wonder if most people are as dull and unadventurous with their lovemaking as the choice of music when they shag. Most scary of all is that the number ten choice is Chris DeBurgh doing Lady In Red. Bloody hell.


Are they sure?

According to remember the 80s, Pete Burns is going to appear on Blue Peter next year.
Pete Burns.

There were adults having nightmares after his Never Mind The Buzzcocks appearance. God alone knows what he'd do to the kids.


Tuesday, December 10, 2002

You thought Atomic Kitten was scary?

Live Magazine let the cat out of the bag, so we suppose everyone knows now - having been spurned by AK, Andy McCluskey is now priming this for pop action:

Jennifer Ellison from Brookside. Presumably he's chosen a solo artist as they can't conspire against him.