Punk not merely dead, but dug up to be kicked around a bit
Reproduced without further comment:
FOUR sheets of toilet paper signed by the Sex Pistols are expected to fetch £500 in an auction at Christie's in London.
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Reproduced without further comment:
FOUR sheets of toilet paper signed by the Sex Pistols are expected to fetch £500 in an auction at Christie's in London.
While Macca and Mills debate how much a live child can add to a divorce settlement, apparently a Britney Spears sex tape might be exercising lawyers in America. Kevin Gofasterstripe is - and we can't stress the alleged nature of this enough - threatening that, if he doesn't get a decent payout, he'll release a film of him and Britney having honeymoon sex as a commercial enterprise to make up the difference.
He really is a charmer, isn't he?
Here's what the NOTW says:
Britney, 24, fears the raunchy footage will destroy her wholesome image unless she caves in to his demands for a £16million payoff and custody of their children Sean Preston, one, and Jayden James, eight weeks.
"Your Daddy loves you so much, I threatened to put pictures of me fucking mommy on the internet if she didn't give me cash..."
We're having trouble believing this, though, because of the suggestion that Britney is afraid her "wholesome image" will be destroyed. Yeah, the naked-except-for-diamonds photoshoots, the lesbian-lite Madonna stuff, the whole getting pissed in Vegas and marrying some mark - that wholesome image must be protected at all costs, right? And "having sex with the man she's married too" - well, that sort of scandal is almost certain to never leave you.
Apart from anything, who the hell wants to see Britney Spears having sex if its with Kevin Federline? It's like the Grinch Who Stole Christmas - no matter how brilliant the idea of the movie sounds, if it's got Jim Carrey in it, why would you bother?
Let's hope that the report in the News of the World this morning that Paul McCartney is offering twenty million to Heather for the custody of the kid is the product of a slack afternoon in a newsroom and not a genuine offer.
Apart from anything, it makes our heads hurt trying to decide if the person making such an offer would be a larger moral vacuum than someone accepting such an offer.
This story is apparently sourced from the same place as the thrown bottle of ketchup story, which the News uses as some of evidence of its veracity. Although, of course, the only place where that rumour appeared was in the News, and as it was from the same deep throat, that doesn't quite work, does it?
Oh, what fun we've had on No Rock and Roll Fun...
The last seven days most-accessed stories:
1. McFly get stark bollock naked. Apparently.
2. Lonesome Paul still googling 'Heather Mills McCartney naked'
3. Heather Mills dances nude outside Macca's house
4. Is KT Tunstall bisexual, then?
5. Oh. But is Katie Melua gay?
6. More Heather Mills hardcore porn stories
7. Toyah has a stalker
8. RIP Paul Walters
9. Purplemelon want Heather Mills' knickers off
10. Robbie Williams less popular than Manchester United
You can read the whole week on a single page or
skim the previous fortnight in a single post
The goose is getting fat...
This is the stuff: Long Blondes album #3
Joanna Newsom adds Albini, Smog and Van Dyke Parks to the mix
Apparently, it's eight years since the last Charlatans best of - and this one includes the 1990 Peel Session
The film might be poor, but the Kevin Shields-featuring Marie Antionette soundtrack takes the cake
Effective prospectus for Clement Dodd's University of Reggae
Ten years after Edwards - I just hope you can forgive them an anniversary special edition
Not-entirely-so-Magic Numbers follow-up
The Kennedy-era tracks that never make Readers Digest compilations: The Karols, The Invictas...
Skipping past 78 & 79, Smash Hits collects the best of their 80s golden age
... and another view of the 80s: the Flux of Pink Indians, Rudimentary Peni, anarcho-80s
Magnetic Fields gets the 33 and a third series treatment
We really, really want to believe the "they said 'don't you know who we are?'" aspect of the Mirror's account of the Arctic Monkeys failing to gain access to a Camden nightclub is journalistic licence; they've never given the impression of being the sort of band who think that a quarter of the Q front cover works like some sort of golden ticket behind purple ropes.
Mind you, if you do want to swan around like that, you should probably put your own faces on the album sleeve.
They'll be breaking out the prawn-and-sausage bites and the chocolate-coated cheesecake biscuit-shaped icecream nibbles at the Katona house today: Warrington Social Services have finished their investigation into the Iceland spokesperson and decided that she's not an unfit mother:
Social services said: "A referral stated your children were at risk and your partner and yourself were using illicit drugs.
"After further inquiries I am able to inform you there are no concerns regarding their welfare."
Presumably the "inquiries" involved speaking to Max Clifford.
We're not entirely sure the row between Jamelia and Javine is happening right now; presumably they had it a while ago and it's just taken time for the sound to reach people's ears?
Anyway, for the benefit of older readers who might recall when the pair of them were popstars, they've fallen out over one of them having sex with Alesha Dixon's husband MC Harvey.
Are we certain this didn't all happen six years ago?
“I’m not normally the type of person to slate someone but I’ve really got a lot of animosity towards that girl because she’s a relationship ruiner.
“Alesha is a beautiful, fantastic person and her husband has been sleeping with Javine behind her back. Javine is a slag. I have no time for her.”
It's been so long since MC Harvey was in the news it's like hearing about people you were at school with, isn't it?
Here's something an eye-watering exclusive from Victoria Newton in The Sun:
MADONNA is working with ABBA legends AGNETHA FALTSKOG and FRIDA LYNGSTAD on tracks for her new album.
Blimey. How has she managed to fit that around not-getting-special-treatment-from-Malawi and flying back and forth?
Erm, it turns out "is working" is an extrapolation of "has had a conversation about working with":
A source said: “Madonna has been in contact with Agnetha and Frida for a few months."
Oh.
Still, the fact they've not so much as doodled an empty stave on the back of an overestimated Npower bill doesn't hold Victoria back; she's already picturing them storming the charts:
It should be a sure-fire hit...
You may sense an "if" on its way.
...if Madge, seen going to the movies in London’s Mayfair, chooses to release their joint studio efforts as a single.
If they ever manage to schedule the time in the studio. And if the sessions produce anything worth releasing. And if, and if.
Mind you, we shouldn't make fun of Victoria Newton's enthusiasm. After all, she is a bit of an Abba-expert:
And even though Agnetha has lived like a virtual recluse and Frida hung up her high-heeled platform shoes years ago — they have agreed to go into the studio.
Except, of course, Agnetha isn't even a virtual recluse, and she gets annoyed that hacks try and suggest a private life is in some way odd:
“I’m the same person that I’ve always been – nice, normal, down-to-earth, and easily stressed.”
She complained that a picture had been created of her by the media as a recluse on the island of Ekerö. Comparisons with Greta Garbo, another Swede with a reputation for withdrawing from society, were unfair:
“It’s a picture that the media has created as a punishment for me not showing myself enough,” she said, adding that she would “rather be an original than a bad copy.”
Much more certain is that Lenny Kravitz is going to be involved in the next Madonna collection. Which means she's going to need the Abba magic even more.
A couple of places to point your ears:
North Face of Soho - Clive James reads from his autobiography; in this episode, he sits in the green room while the Sex Pistols prepare for their meeting with Bill Grundy [link decays on Tuesday 14th just after breakfast]
The Long Blondes - bbc.co.uk collective session [includes video and audio versions of tracks]
As if the cluttering up of the release schedules and column inches and support slots by the children of once-decent musicians wasn't bad enough, now the scions of superstars are starting to turn up and ruin their parent's bands as well, thereby undercutting the very reputation off which they are living.
Admittedly, Van Halen have never quite occupied the cultural heights of, say, Mozart, but even so, the news that Eddie has found a role for his fifteen year-old kid Wolfgang in the band chills the marrow even more than the thought of, say, Keith Allen's daughter Lily. Is there a shortage of paper-rounds in the US?
Eddie is proud of his kid:
"If I excel at the speed of sound, he excels at the speed of light. This kid is just a natural."
But then all parents are like that, aren't they? Presumably Madonna's counting the days until she can get david as a back-up dancer.
We're not quite sure that, if we were recording an album of duets, we'd call in someone whose singing was judged so poor, we'd been invited twice to overdub her singing.
But then, we're not about to question the judgement of Asha Bhosle, who has just requested Urmila Matondkar join her on record:
"When we met recently, she was telling someone that she'd sung for me in Rangeela and then I reminded her that way back, she'd also sung for me in my film Chamatkar.
And then I sang a couple of lines from the song that was picturised on Shah Rukh Khan and me, Bichoo, ye bichoo mujhe kaat jayega to her. The next day, she called me up and said that I would have to sing a duet with her in her new album and, of course, I was shocked at her request, but agreed!"
The small mercy is that Urmila has decided that this one adventure in stereo will be her only one; she's not looking to be the Bollywood Kylie. For now.
There is little that makes our heart sing than the prospect of all sorts of awkward details being dragged into public view under the rules of open court. Where some might have decided to cut their losses, Mariah Carey has delighted us by choosing to pursue a legal action against the promoters who cancelled her Hong Kong date.
You'll recall, the promoters axed the gig because of poor ticket sales and diva-like demands. (Personally, we'd have been tempted to expect both of those things booking Carey, but what would we know?). But it's far from clear who actually pulled the plug, as:
Her lawyers claim she was forced to cancel the concert after One Group Investments "breached its contractual obligations", AFP news agency reports.
Carey is looking for the promoters to make good the money she'd spent on preparing for the show - so, the price of a purchase of a bikini from Ethel Austin and a bucket of glitter, then.
What do you give the Beach Boys fan who has everything?
Oh, alright, apart from their own sandpit.
How about a finely-crafted Brian Wilson doll? Picturing him from his prime, in 1966. There's only 300 being made, and seventy-five will refuse to come out their box.
We spent quite a while in Atlanta earlier this year - not through choice, it has to be said - and so we tend to view the place with a slightly jaundiced eye. We're not saying it's cursed or anything - and the Steak and Ale by the airport suggests it isn't a city without redemptive opportunity - but Bloc Party have had a bad time there, too.
Matt Tong, the drummer, fell ill during a gig there, and wound up being rushed to hospital. His lung has collapsed, it turns out, and with it, Bloc Party's US tour has deflated as well.
A spokesperson says they can't tell when he'll be well enough to pick up the sticks again.
It must be a glorious day for Shar Jackson, able to watch Britney's relationship with her ex run into the sand, while behaving with perfect poise. She's calling for people to be nicer to Kevin:
"He's such a nice guy," the 30-year-old actress tells "Inside Edition" in an interview that was to air Thursday. "He's made some mistakes but everybody else doesn't have the whole world pointing their finger at their mistakes."
You'll note that Shar is helping avoid people talking about Kevin's mistakes by taking part in a TV programme dedicated to the biggest one to date.
Celebrity divorces, Jackson thinks, are nothing to celebrate. "I don't understand why people take so much joy in other people's pain."
... although, having said that, the money you can make discussing them does come in handy. Especially at this time of year.
Of course, the news of a Garbage best-of (being scheduled to appear in the far-end of the winter) means only one thing: the now mandatory new track.
Track lists in full:
'Vow'
'Queer'
'Only Happy When It Rains'
'Stupid Girl'
'Milk'
'#1 Crush'
'Push It'
'I Think I'm Paranoid'
'Special'
'When I Grow Up'
'You Look So Fine'
'The World Is Not Enough'
'Cherry Lips (Go Baby Go)'
'Shut Your Mouth'
'Why Do You Love Me'
'Bleed Like Me'
'It's All Over But The Crying'
'New track (untitled)'
We'd guess that since it takes a mixture of Mr T style drugged milk and electric cattle prods to get the band together, we're guessing the new track will be less something done for special, and more likely a thing that has been rescued from the bottom of an audio bin somewhere. Indeed, the lack of a name being appended to this song suggests there's two record company guys rummaging in a dumpster: "Oh, that would have been fine, but it's got banana milk all over the middle eight..." "How about this one... it doesn't sound like it smells of fish..."
Back in the 1980s, as part of a bid to sweat the nation's assets, Thatcher warned independent local radio operators that, if they didn't stop "wasting" radio waves by broadcasting the same programmes on FM as on AM, she'd take back one of the frequencies and give them to somebody else. Most stations responded by creating a Top 40 format for their FM station, while shuffling the DJs old enough to remember the original promises of performance made to the IBA over to medium wave to helm an oldies channel.
Radio City decided to try something different. Liverpool bus shelters sprung posters featuring the faces of famous Scousers (most of whom had long since fled the city to live somewhere else) with the words "Have you heard? It's all talk", promoting the launch of an AM all-speech station, City Talk. It was the only all-speech commercial radio offering outside of London, and quite a brave move.
It was also, sadly, an unresearched move. The people of Liverpool who wanted round-the-clock mumbling, all-talk radio station already had one in Radio Merseyside, so no audience turned up. After a lot of spending, and surprisingly few hours on hair, City Talk disappeared, and was replaced with Radio City 1548AM. An oldies channel.
The debacle weakened Radio City somewhat, and eventually the station would be bought out by EMAP.
Why are we heading down this particular avenue of radio nostalgia? EMAP have just spent cash getting a new FM licence for Liverpool, to launch... an all-speech radio network called City Talk.
ITV (ask your parents) has invited Matt Willis, out of Busted, to take part on the latest series of I'm A Celebrity, Oh, It's Eating Kangaroo Bollocks Again This Series, Is It? You Can't Say The Idea Has Got In Any Way Stale, Can You?; former Busted colleague James Bourne is worried for him:
James Bourne is furious about Matt's decision to head off into the Aussie jungle for the new series of the hit ITV1 reality show, which kicks off on Monday.
The Son Of Dork frontman thinks it is "career suicide" and fears it could disturb Matt's "fragile state of mind" - he's admitted to two spells in The Priory rehab clinic for alcoholism.
A man who is pretending to be half his actual age and American, in a band called Son of Dork is offering career advice. You'd have to sit up and take notice, wouldn't you?
We're not sure there's a problem. After all, going on I Recognise Some Of The Insects, But Who Are The People? was apparently the only time in the last five years that Kerry Katona lived up to Max Clifford's description of her as someone who doesn't take drugs.
We're a little surprised to hear that, in the few days since it was announced that Michael Jackson is going to be doing something at the World Music Awards, somebody managed to "hack into" the WMA computer, getting tickets for the event which had been set aside in Jackson's name, and then sell them on eBay; for the scam to be discovered, and the tickets - which had apparently been distributed - cancelled.
Maybe there are a whole bunch of people who managed to bend space and time to let this happen; or maybe the Faily Mirror is just helping out a bid to try and make Jackson seem at the centre of things.
Now, hackers breaking into the computer and returning Jackson tickets: that, we'd buy.
Pete Doherty's justification for kicking a BBC reporter, you'll recall, was his disgust at the "harrassing scum of the press".
Could he be, in any way, related to the Pete Doherty who took a BBC Arena film crew to his first meeting with his son.
Doherty has in the past used Astile in the same way David Blunkett tugged at a nation's gag-reflex with "that little lad", pledging a while back:
"When I can claim to have any sort of control over my own life, I'm going to take some responsibility for Astile. I love the little fella. I need to buck up my ideas there."
Parenting groups welcomed Doherty's novel approach of having the kid first, then thinking about perhaps taking some sort of responsibility down the line, assuming he can stop filling his arms with drugs. Oh, sorry: no, they didn't, did they?
You would have thought that a man who bought a house, complained loudly about an ugly yacht tied up outside and then eventually discovered the yacht was part of the property would have to admit he'd not had a proper survey done.
When Noel Gallagher bought Mike Oldfield's Ibiza mansion (yes, man-of-the-people Noel Gallagher) not only did he miss the yacht, but also the whole falling-into-the-sea-ness of the property.
Noel's taken Oldfield to court, claiming, more or less, that Oldfield knew the house was at risk and he'd seen Gallagher coming: he's just won a six-figure settlement. After all, it's not like the buyer should beware or anything.
Gallagher intends to invest the winnings in a new scheme to purchase a bridge over the Thames.
Karl Lagerfeld has apparently discovered a new muse: he's flying Lily Allen to help him come up with ideas for the next Chanel collection.
Yes, Lagerfeld's vision is of every girl on the street dressing like Lily Allen. Which, erm, they already do. Although not at Chanel prices, of course. That is what you pay designers for.
Meanwhile, Allen has been given back her driving licence, thus confounding those of us who thought the nation's bemusing fixation on her would last less long than her driving ban.
Most 80s circuit acts manage to do the nostalgia tours in between day jobs - gardening, acting, delivering small packets to grateful customers. Not so Culture Club (without Boy George), who have decided to put their planned tour on hold while they "prepare":
The band said they could not "prepare adequately" due to a heavy recording schedule and did not want to deliver a "less than incredible show".
If they're aiming for "incredible", then we could be looking at a long wait. The official website is currently listing dates for 2002.
Perhaps indicating that Universal aren't expecting the Zune store to be a long-running source of income, the label has cut a deal with Microsoft to get a slice of sales from each player.
This really is some sort of golden deal for Universal; it's getting cash from a media player which it hasn't paid a cent towards developing, and which may never see any track by any of its artists ever go anywhere near some players. In effect, Microsoft have stuffed Universal's mouths with gold.
In discussing the rationale for the royalty, Chris Stephenson, general manager for global marketing in Microsoft’s entertainment unit, said the company “needed people to rally behind” the new device and service.
“It’s a higher-level business relationship,” he said.
Of course, Microsoft has so much cash sloshing about from exploiting monopoly agreements for its office and operating system software it can well afford to bribe Universal in a way that would be unthinkable for any entry-level manufacturer. And it hopes that if the labels have an interest in the player, it might lead them to push consumers Zunewards.
David Geffen tries to justify the labels stuffing their pockets with cash by pointing at - yes - all those unlicensed files:
“It’s a major change for the industry. Each of these devices is used to store unpaid-for material. This way, on top of the material people do pay for, the record companies are getting paid on the devices storing the copied music.”
He added: “It certainly changes the paradigm.”
But doesn't that mean that the record companies are being paid twice for legally purchased music? How is that fair? Why should Terry Honest pay money to Universal for his Zune if all he intends to put on it are tracks he's already bought?
More to the point, if purchasing a Zune includes a tax to cover the cost of illegal downloads, does that mean Zune owners will be exempt from RIAA legal action? Are Zune owners effectively allowed to download what they like from Universal's catalogue for nothing?
Geffen's observation that paradigms have been shifted here raises another question: is it fair for Microsoft to be making cash payments that "change paradigms", seeing as that effectively means "distorts the marketplace"?
Doug Morris of Universal says it's for everyone's good:
“I’m hopeful that technology companies and creative companies will understand how each other’s futures are intertwined,” Mr. Morris said last night. “It can only work if one doesn’t try and take advantage of the other, and so far we’ve come out on the short end.”
But that isn't true at all, is it, Mr. Morris? Record labels' futures might depend on the decisions taken by Apple and Microsoft, but to suggest they're "intertwined" is only as true as it is to say that a dog and its fleas depend on each other. If Universal ceased to exist tomorrow, Zunes would still find content.
What we're also struggling to discover reference to is how, exactly, Universal will be sharing this bounty with its artists. Remember the artists? The ones who actually make the music? The ones whose interests it is that the RIAA always cite when its taking another ass-poor parent to the legal cleaners? If the idea of Microsoft giving cash to a label is as compensation for "stolen" music, shouldn't that money go to the artists rather than the record company?
Meanwhile, a looming problem for Zune is the growing realisation that Microsoft have effectively abandoned their Plays For Sure initiative. In an earlier bid to try and bury the iPod, Bill Gates' music division started to push Plays For Sure, a symbol promising inter-exchange of music from various stores and across various players. Put Plays For Sure tracks won't play on a Zune, and Zune tracks won't work on Plays For Sure Players. In other words: If you put your trust in Microsoft and bought with confidence from the MSN store, you're stuffed.
It also means that tracks HMV and other online stores are flogging won't work on Zune, just as they won't work on an iPod.
So, having failed to crack the near-monopoly of Apple, Microsoft have just tried to create one of their one.
[Thanks to Franco M for the New York Times story]
If you're already worrying about what festivals you might want to go to next year, if you buy your Oxegen tickets right now for July 2007, you can get them at 2006 prices. You've only got until New Year's Eve, mind.
Protect yourself against rising mortgage costs, or something.
After last week's oh-so-amusing guest editing of 3AM by Borat, it looks like they've gone with the policeman from 'Allo 'Allo in today:
Either that, or the subeditors added the bit about doors while tidying up the report, and forgot to change the i to a u.
Howard Donald has said there's no room for Rob in the band:
"To let somebody in who you don't know what's going on in their head is not a good idea.
"If we have big success with this album - really big success - then to let him back when we don't really know him any more would be a mistake.
"The others may have some opinions on this, but I don't think we need him."
You know what this means, though? We're going to have to sit through another song by Williams bitching away that nobody likes him, friends turn on you, blah blah. Couldn't they at least have offered him a job sweeping up or something?
Good lord, it's going to be a glum day for Rupert Murdoch - not only is he going to have to start pretending to like Democrats again, but now MySpace has died. It's expiration has been pronounced by no less an expert than Preston out the Ordinary Boys:
MySpace was important with one band in particular, Arctic Monkeys.
"Now it's on the checklist with record labels. We've got to do some in stores, sign all these posters, give away a signed guitar and set up a MySpace account. So MySpace is already dead. It's over."
Of course it is, Preston. Trouble is, nobody seems to have told MySpace that.
Preston would rather bands go back to the more natural, non-corporate wonky way of building an audience - a few small gigs, a bit of a buzz in the NME, doing a charity celebrity Big Brother gameshow and having your wedding in OK.
Of course, when couples divorce, there's always a pang of sympathy for the helpless, hapless victims of the marriage; the ones who don't have the skills or knowledge or experience to look after themselves.
But, to be fair, Kevin Federline is coming out fighting. He's decided - presumably having remembered the prenup is supposedly tighter than Donald Rumsfeld's rictus grin - that he's going to take something away from this marriage, dammit. Kevin wants sole custody of the children. Because he loves those kids, and everything they represent - up to, and possibly including, the prospect of a monthly child support cheque from Britney.
Kevin - now, almost universally dubbed Fed-Ex - is also seeking spousal support from Britney.
Meanwhile, The Sun is amongst the commentators who notice that, simultaneous with the divorce suit, Britney's had something of a makeover. Or, at least, has stopped appearing in public looking like something disturbed by the fire alarm at a Days Inn. Rather uncomfortably, the paper ends its report with a jarring You go girl!, as if they'd spent a little too long watching the Tyra Banks Show.
In the Mirror, Miriam Stoppard off Where There's Life professes herself astonished by the whole business. Astonished that it lasted this long:
FRANKLY, Britney, I'm astonished that you stayed with such an appalling specimen of manhood for so long.
She's got some advice - a little more practical than the Sun's honking:
Enjoy being single.
Then start looking for a man who will make a good stepfather rather than boneheads who are only good between the sheets.
We're not entirely sure how Miriam can say so definitively that Kevin is good between the sheets - but Hollywood sources do say that Federline didn't always come home every night. He must have been sowing oats somewhere.
The Mail found an onlooker who watched her go ice-skating in New York:
One onlooker said: "It was utterly strange. Britney was occasionally holding hands with this guy Larry Rudolph. She tentatively took to the ice at first but started doing pirouettes and looked quite an accomplished skater."
Interesting... they found someone who was able to identify Britney's former manager by name, and yet seemed thrown that someone might take to the ice slightly awkwardly before they hit their stride.
The big-budget adaptation of Motley Crue bingeography The Dirt is redrafting the concept of the celeb cameo - the incidental rock heroes who drift across the story are going to be played by big names. So, we're to get Christopher Walken as Ozzy Osbourne (although, personally, we'd have had him as Sharon if it hadn't left the door open for John Culshaw) and Val Kilmer as Dave Lee Roth.
Kilmer, of course, is no stranger to playing ridiculous rock pompadours, having taken the lead role in The Doors a few years back.
Good news for those of you who like it loud, sweaty, dirty and in ways the Daily Mail don't feel comfortable with: even although there's a new Nine Inch Nails album due in the spring, Mr. Reznor has elected to work the very last of the 2005 one by thrashing its arse with metal-tipped shoes all the way around Europe.
Countries in for a spot of it are Portugal Spain, France, UK, Germany, Belgium, Holland, Austria, Italy, Switzerland, Denmark, Norway, Sweden and Finland. There's a chance of more; it all kicks off in February.