What the queen likes

We live in a strange age, where people have many different careers, but I think I'm right in saying that Cerys Matthews must be the first person to do the specific double of an FHM cover spread and an MBE.

(Although, presumably, that's trumped by Angelina Jolie's French FHM cover and an honorary damehood.)

Other musicians who will have to worry about hiring a posh includes Talvinder Singh Matharoo, who's got an OBE.

Darcus Beese, the president of Island Records, also gets an OBE for services to music, although giving an award to a major label exec for services to music is akin to giving Ronald McDonald a prize for services to cows.

Mini liveblog: Alan McGee & Marc Marot on Today

Following the death of Amy Winehouse, Today has just hosted Marc Marot and Alan McGee wondering if management and labels could do something to help, rather than enable, self-destructive artists:

Marc goes first, calling for a change to how the music industry does business to stop putting pressure on artists:

"Recording contracts have a ticking clock attached to them - a three year cycle of hard, hard work. It's a cycle that has a contractual option at the end; there's enormous pressure on the artist to keep repeating themselves. There's no way to take time out."

He proposes a mechanism allowing the contract to be suspended. "The problem is who arbitrates"

Alan McGee says it's a reasonable idea, but "only you can get yourself clean". In other words, it's no good having a break clause because if the person doesn't want to clean up their act, it won't be invoked.

He's also a bit more clear-eyed about how much management can do in the face of an addict.

Marc's suggestion, though, is that touring and recording increases stress and - though he doesn't quite say it - puts the addict into a world knee-deep in drugs.

He praises Island for having tried to wean Amy Winehouse off drugs and alcohol.

Marc is one of the great guys, agrees Alan, but says that there aren't many like him. Blame culture is part of this nation, says McGee - you can't really blame management for someone who wants to destroy themselves.

Marc says there's a bigger problem: how do you tell a star 'no'? "Try telling someone who has sold 21 million records 'no' agrees Alan McGee.

We're not much further forward, apart from appearing to decide there's nothing management can do. Which doesn't feel entirely right.

Island not entirely thrilled by the new Tom Jones album

When people ask major labels 'why is it so important you survive, despite the outdated business model?', major labels often scrabble about in their notebooks for a while, before coming up with the justification that they provide vital support for their artists.

Let's join Island Record vice-president David Sharpe in the middle of an email showing some of that support in action:

"Imagine my surprise when I walked into the office this morning to hear hymns – it could have been Sunday morning. My initial pleasure came to an abrupt halt when I realised that Tom Jones was singing the hymns! I have just listened to the album in its entirety and want to know if this is some sick joke????"

Jones moved to Island last year for a reported £1.5m. Sharpe continued: "We did not invest a fortune in an established artist for him to deliver 12 tracks from the common book of prayer [sic]. Having lured him from EMI, the deal was that you would deliver a record of upbeat tracks along the lines of Sex Bomb and Mama Told Me ..."

There's some suggestion that the 'leaking' of this email might be part of a subtle campaign to promote the album. But:

The Daily Mail quotes Sharpe as saying that he stands by his email, and that he "paid for a Mercedes" and ended up with a "hearse".

I don't think any organised campaign would have come up with that - any attempt to build a viral campaign which involves an executive saying 'this record is a bit like something you'd take to a funeral' would be inept in the extreme; probably even more inept than even Island would manage.

The real question, though, is what was Sharpe thinking in the first place? He paid large sums of money for Jones to churn out more Sex Bomb style stuff - despite it having been painfully clear from the last couple of EMI albums and that toe-curling Wyclef Jean stuff that this was a mine which would not reward further working. He seems to have been convinced he was hiring a Mercedes, but he'd been bidding on a Smart car.

Gordon in the morning: Winehouse of pain

Credited solely to "an insider", Gordon gets all scoopy with claims that Island have knocked back Amy Winehouse's new record faster than Amy can knock back a bottle of vodka:

“She seems to have ditched her trademark vintage soul sound and is now heavily influenced by reggae. Her bosses don’t think it’s a wise move to change her style so sharply and have told her that.”

Perhaps this is true. But what's completely lacking from the article is the vital detail of whether the new stuff is simply a sudden and sharp change of musical style, or if it's not any good, either. In other words: is Island panicking at being presented with something creative and challenging, or holding something that doesn't actually work.

The source added: “It’s crucial Amy’s return is handled properly.

“If she puts out a record that is in any way half-baked, that could severely damage her long-term prospects, so everyone’s focus at the minute is getting it right, even if that means telling Amy some things she probably won’t want to hear.”

But if Amy is the sort of talent Island has spent the last half-decade telling us she is, shouldn't they trust her a bit?

You might have seen Pete Doherty's TV complaint about how the media has created an 'evil twin' version of him:

"I call him my evil twin, this fella they've [the media] created. He looks a little bit like me, apart from he's filthy and he's always pulling a weird expression, or doing something violent or illegal."

How frustrating that must be. Mind you, the evil twin does work with the press, doesn't he? Yesterday, you could hear Gordon punching the air as he read Pete's Q interview and found a lovely, lovely big quote:

He moans in an interview in the new issue of Q magazine: “I wanted to see LILY ALLEN play the other week.

“But her label EMI got in touch and said, ‘We don’t want you there because Kate Moss will be there and it will take attention away from Lily. Can you not go?’

“I was so insulted.

“I don’t know. I think I would have been courteous enough.

“Then I’d probably have head-butted her new boyfriend, put her over my shoulder and run off.”

Nice to see, by the way, that EMI has so much faith in Lily Allen's ability to hold people's attention that they ask people not to go to her gigs.

Gordon then takes Lewis Hamilton to task for buying 'cheapo' sexy underwear:

YOU would think FI flyer LEWIS HAMILTON could afford to buy his raunchy missus some top-dollar undercrackers.

But when he took PUSSYCAT DOLLS singer NICOLE SCHERZINGER out to buy lingerie, strangely he kept a brake on the spending.

On the back ledge of their car was a bag from keenly-priced frillies store La Senza.

Strange. I wonder where Lewis might have got the idea that La Senza was a sexy, sexy place to buy knickers from, then?

Perhaps it was Gordon Smart's drooling write-up of photos of Danielle Bux in La Senza pants.

Or the time Gordon Smart dribbled over another Danielle Bux in La Senza knickers shoot.

Hang about - maybe it was the time Gordon's column ran a piece by Stuart Pink that got all excited by yet another set of adverts featuring Danielle Bux promoting La Senza.

Oddly, on all those occasions, Gordon forgot to mention that he thought La Senza was a bit cheap and nasty.

Perhaps, though, it might help if Gordon read his own column. Gordon Smart's Bizarre USA features a fascinating video:

While Lewis was enjoying his new title, it was back to the day job for his PUSSYCAT DOLL missus NICOLE SCHERZINGER - after a quick message of love and congratulation which you can see by clicking below or right:

Nicole joined her band-mates to model their La Senza lingerie range, called Shhh.

So, the store is good enough to sell pants in, but not buy pants in, then, Gordon?

Or... and this may be uncharitable... but you don't think the carefully-placed and folded La Senza bag was simply an advertising ploy, do you?

Annie quits the Island

Another artist for the clumsily named "actually, what the hell am I paying a record label for" file, as Annie tells Island goodbye:

"I think it's a great label, but I never felt they were that positive to my ideas...so we decided that we're not gonna work together anymore. After Nick Gatfield, who was the head of Island left the label...a couple of months after I signed, things changed. I'm an artist with lots of ideas, plans...so I'm gonna do things my own way from now on."

As if no longer having the confidence of musicians wasn't bad enough, record companies are now being patronised by the departing artists doing the "it's not you, it's me - I've changed..." speech.

Island population decreases

More gloomy news for major labels - Janet Jackson (now, apparently, the most popular Jackson of them all) has had enough of Island DefJam. Her people have issued a statement:

"Always known to break new ground and set trends, Janet's departure from Island makes her one of the first superstar artists to have the individual freedom to promote their work through a variety of avenues such as iTunes, mobile carriers and other diverse and innovative channels."

Mmm. It's a little late to be turning up at a thriving Western outpost, book a room in the hotel, order a cold beer and claim to be a pioneer, especially when Jackson's plans are wrapped around such a vague "other diverse and innovative channels". iTunes is many things, but it's not been innovative for half a decade.

Island shrinking; Sony BMG too

In order to ensure they can keep feeding cash into the RIAA money pit, the majors are celebrating Christmas by throwing some people out of work. Sony BMG are rumoured to be about to make deep cuts somewhere, though rumours aren't sure which label will feel the pain; while Universal's Island DefJam are tossing people out, too.

Amongst those caught in the fallout is Ultragrrrl's Stolen Transmission, although she's upbeat about it:

Now that I've had my experience with Island/Def Jam, I know how to actually run a label, and I helped set up 9 amazing releases from Permanent ME, the Oohlas, Monty Are I, Bright Light Fever, the Horrors, Schoolyard Heroes, PlayRadioPlay!, Innerpartysystem, and the Photo Atlas. I'm so fucking proud that my label went from me and a bunch of interns sitting in my bedroom smoking and watching degrassi and eating guac i had just made to me sitting in meetings once a week with JayZ and now it'll just go back to being run from my apartment again. We plan on continuing with Stolen Transmission and are really excited to be returning to our indie roots.

It's unclear if guacamole will be playing a key role in the new, downsized Stolen Transmission.

How labels care for their artists: Thursday

Thursday - recent providers of support to the My Chemical Romance tour - have just split from Island Records. Talking to In It For The Money magazine, Geoff from the band explained why:

They weren’t the same label that we signed to. Everybody that signed us moved to Warner Brothers, and there was just like six months during War All The Time when we just didn’t have anybody working there. Then they brought in the new staff and it took us a long time to get used to them. I actually like all the new people, but they were much more focused on bands like Fall Out Boy, The Killers... more of like a real pop thing and so bands like us and Thrice they just kind of were like you know, didn’t know what to do. So right away when our record came out and we saw that like we weren’t gonna be a priority anymore, we were just kind of like ‘well let us go’ you know ‘just let us go’, cos we have so many labels that like us and would like to put out a record, just let us go and we’ll go and put out another record somewhere. And they were all like ‘no waaaaaaaay, we love you guys, and you sell a lot of records for us’ and stuff and you know we just kept meeting with them and eventually they were just like well if you really don’t want to be here, you don’t have to be here. So we just got all the paper work drawn up...

Island tries to make USB sticks story stick again

Last year, Keane released a single on USB stick; now, Island are trying to push the novelty again with a Fratellis single on USB. Island are still trying to suggest it's exciting:

Lee Jenson, head of marketing at the Fratellis' record company, Island Records, said: "The success of the Keane single last year convinced us that music fans would welcome more audio releases on this format.

"If demand really does start to take off, it may well become viable to think about releasing selective albums on USB as well, especially if they were to become eligible for inclusion in the chart."

But, aside from novelty value, what's the point? You can't play them on standard CD players, but you still have to go down a shop to buy them. They're much more expensive to produce than standard CDs, record shops have no way of displaying them easily and they burn through more resources than proper records. Why do we need a pointless format?

Won't someone please think of the labels?

An interesting, doomy Wired piece suggesting that we're in the year The Music Dies. Except, of course, what it means by "the music" is "the music industry", and what it means by "the music industry" is "the current major record labels." While not certain this is a good thing, it does at least suggest that it might be.

Why should we regard EMI and Island as being neccessary and desirable; why should we worry about them not being able to adjust to the new demands of their market? The big labels have never pretended to be social services, they've never worried about dropping acts who suddenly went out of favour with the public; they've recently not been showing much interest in developing audiences and careers for new artists.

Why should we suddenly start to worry about profit-driven organisations with a record for treating their customers like schmucks and their artists as shit? By their own admission, ninety per cent of their products never make a cent in profit, so even when they're at their best, they're not even good at being record sellers. Music existed before the RIAA and now there are many ways that artists can thrive without being on a major label. Bankruptcy in the music industry? Why should I be worried?