Gordon in the morning: Simon in the night

You know the trouble with rich men? It's not just that they have bad ideas, it's that they have the money to put those bad ideas into practice. So, having ruined Saturday night television, now Simon Cowell wants to ruin Saturday Night Fever:

The millionaire music boss knows a great investment when he sees one.

And by the sound of his plans for the remake he's landed yet another licence to print money.

He has been in negotiations for weeks with legendary film producer ROBERT STIGWOOD, who owns the rights to the screenplay.

I'm confused, Gordon: has he "landed" it, or is he in "negotiations" for it?

Still, given that this is a bad and pointless idea, does Cowell have any way of making it worse?

I've been given a nod that High School Musical star ZAC EFRON is in line for the lead role.

And hip-hop uber producer TIMBALAND is in the frame to rework one of the most famous movie soundtracks of all time - an album that topped the US charts for a massive 24 weeks.

This, I suspect, is little more than Gordon pulling names out the air, or his arse, or his arse up in the air.

Smart is delicately sitting on the fence:

I'm in two minds about this film.

I have no doubt it would be huge if Cowell landed Efron.

But the BEE GEES soundtrack should never be tampered with.

So, using an actor made out of Philadelphia cheese to lead the movie is fine, but don't mess with the brothers Gibb.

Also, the film might not work for a young audience.

It is pretty bleak in some places, with some incredibly dark scenes.

What is this supposed to mean, Gordon? Do you think only people in their forties saw it in 1977? You know people who went to the movies thirty years ago were thirty years younger back then? And while the likes of you and Heat and Cowell might have done a good job of rendering people's ability to engage emotionally with characters in pain as little more than going "aaah", there are still a few young people who can cope with genuine drama.

Anyway, can you wind this up on a gratuitous insult, Gordo?

I have no doubt Simon - who was on this year's rich list with a £120million fortune - will want to involve artists signed to his Syco label.

LEONA LEWIS or ALEXANDRA BURKE might just about get away with Stayin' Alive.

Or he could always ask SUSAN BOYLE to do More Than A Woman.

Well done.

Elsewhere, Mel B is offering some sex tips:

"My hubby and I have a great time together - I'm not sure if it's because we're the same age, but we both have very high libidos."

"I often have a candle-lit bath first and listen to some soothing music. Next, put on some gorgeous lingerie - I've got a big collection that's just for the bedroom.

"Make sure there are no distractions, then go for it!"

... trying, all the time, to clear the image of Mel B and her "hubby" and their libidos from your mind. Trying, trying, trying.

The more astute amongst you might have spotted that Mel B's sex advice is actually "have a bath, put on some nice pants, and then have sex."

First spin: Hard Candy

The Times has had a first listen to Hard Candy, the new Timbaland and Pharrell Williams collaboration featuring Madonna on vocals. Pete(r) Paphides isn't entirely convinced:

When the songs work, it doesn’t much matter that Madonna is blazing a fourth-hand trail. After 25 years of reinvention, we can surely cut her slack in that department. But on Dance 2Night, She’s Not Me and Give It 2 Me, what surprises is how deferential Madonna is to her collaborators. Even the album’s showstopping ballad, The Devil Wouldn’t Recognise You succumbs to a default mode of vast beats.

By this late stage, you rather feel like you’re in your fifth hour at the Ambassador’s famous party. Great, but is there anything else on offer other than Ferrero sodding Rochers?

Fourth hand? If she's doing twenty-year old Prince style "2"s instead of "to"s, that might be over generous.

What appears to have happened is - as one of pop's foremost brands - Madonna has followed the logic of turning herself into a corporation to the ultimate conclusion. She's outsourced the album.

Timbaland isn't a People people

At part of the slushing celebrating the Grammys, People magazine has sponsored a party for people, with Timbaland as the main draw.

It all went a little sour - alright, a lot sour - when one of his enormous entourage wasn't allowed in. Mr Land shared his frustration with the audience, honking off from the stage:

"Next time I have one of my homeboys in line, let that (expletive) in!" Timbaland shouted as the event winded down after 2 a.m. Saturday, adding that he was a "peoples person."

"I don't like to see my people turned around for some (expletive) magazine ... (expletive) y'all!"

Timbaland is such an old grump, the person who tried to smooth things over by telling journalists that the boss wasn't angry with the sponsors, just some organisational glitches, only did so off the record. When you clean-up crew is afraid of you, you need some serious time out.

You've let yourself down, you've let us down, but worst of all you've let MTV down

Timbaland is boiling mad with Britney - he wants an apology, dammit, for the way she... uh, you know, just is. But he does have a comeback plan for her - make a record with Justin Timberlake:

She needs a story. She has no comeback story. That's the problem. She has to have a team.

"She needs to come back with Justin doing records. (Then we'd see headlines like), 'She went back to her ex and she's making smashes.' (But instead she got) so big-headed and (was) like, 'Screw you, screw you, I don't need nobody.'

"She should humble herself and make a phone call and say, 'I'm sorry.' She knows what she's sorry about. She needs to say, 'I was wrong,' and it'll definitely move forward. That's all she has to say."

Would we see headlines like the one Timbaland's predicting? Or would it look even more pathetic that she'd been reduced to trying to coat-tail her downward spiral to Justin's bemusingly rising star.

Timbaland, of course, had been due to orchestrate one such Brit and Ju reunion track, but Britney said no. Which, to be honest, is probably the last time she came to a rational decision.

Timbaland, The Game, and the uncleared sample

Timbaland and The Game (is there anything more stupid than a name which begins with "the", by the way?) are being pursued for copyright infringement. Saregama India claims the pair used a sample from one of their artists on The Game's 2005 album. It's not clear why it's taken two years for them to notice - presumably they couldn't stand to listen to the album more than a track or two at a time.

Timbaland endorses Madonna product

Timbaland has looked on the work he and Justin Timberlake have done for Madonna, and pronounced it good:

"We just did Madonna's record. Me and Justin did the records for the album.

"She's great... she's got her hot album. Her album is up there with Justin's album."

Blimey, not as good as all that, eh? He surely doesn't mean Justin Timberlake's last collection, does he, the self-aggrandising bong of an empty barge desperately trying to dock in an over-flooded harbour?

Madonna, meanwhile, might be less than thrilled that Timbaland - who she took on as a hot-name producer, is now also working with Celine Dion. Which makes his current work look more like Gordon Ramsay's "helping out failing restaurants" series, and pegs Madonna as somewhere around a poorly-decorated tearoom in Ludlow which serves frozen gateaux.

Timbaland sees how far he can push it

Sooner or later, Timbaland's apparent inability to just pretend to be too busy is going to get the better of him. In fact, Timbaland electing to work with Celine Dion might be that very point.

Because, like, fame is crazy, yeah?

Duran Duran have come up with a name for their new album, with its hint-of-desperation collaborations with Justin Timberlake and Timbaland. (They should have gone for Tim Burgess, too. We'd forgive them for a Timberlake-Timbaland-Timburgess trio.)

It's called Red Carpet Massacre, which they probably think is clever but really just underlines how limited their world is.

Timbaland has had enough

This could be bad news for any halfway-dumpered act looking for a spot of pricey "street" credibility: Timbaland is stepping down:

"Music is boring right now. I'm too innovative for the world."

Yes, nobody could accuse you of producing record after record, all of which sound interchangeable. We do agree that music would be a lot less boring if you went off to try your hand at something else.

"I've been doing it so long, I'm about to throw in the towel. I'm about to de-crown myself and pass it over to one of the up-and-coming producers under me. They won't be able to be me - there's only one Timbaland - but there's a certain sound that I try to teach."

Timbaland, you're a brand-name but so-so producer; you don't have to anoint a chosen one like you're the Dali lama.

Timbaland is currently working with Duran Duran. What a loss to the bleeding edge of new music his retirement will prove.

Er... N'Dours?

Time Magazine has filled a quiet news week by drawing together the 100 most influential people in various fields. We're not entirely sure the order is anything other than arbitrary, but having said that... The arts and entertainment list is quite curious - the top musician is Youssou N'Dour, who gets a touching tribute from Peter Gabriel. Now, N'Dour is a great artist, and when Gabriel says he influenced him, we believe him. But does N'Dour really influence the entertainment world more than anyone else? (Except, erm, Tina Fey, who comes out on top.)

Justin Timberlake, at four, is the second highest placed pop musician in the chart. On that calibration, N'Dour certainly comes out higher. Timberlake's applause-piece comes from admirer Timbaland, which raises the possibility of the two of them going into a post-modern Tweedledum and Tweedledee style double act. Timberlake and Timbaland. We'd pay to see it.