ALL BOYS: We're a little disappointed that when New Order return with their Waiting For The Sirens Call album on March 28th, they're not going to be the classic line-up. Gillian Gilbert has left...



... and is being replaced full-time by Phil Cunningham. He stepped into her shoes once before, when she had to pull out due to family crises, and was keen to get a chance to have a go with the rest of her wardrobe this time round.

NME.com is reporting the new album is going to be like the classic dancey-period late-80s Order. We think that means John Barnes will be rapping on quite a few of the tracks.

GO AWAY, DAD: We're not sure quite what's prompted 50 Cent to growl at his Dad and tell him not to come out of the woodwork to try and get some cash off him, but he's making it clear in no uncertain terms that he won't be amused if the absentee parent pulls a stunt like that.

ARMY MODS: We'd have thought that Bjork would have been a little wary of unsolicited packages, what with her history, but it seems she does happily open jiffy bags which turn up at her flat in Chiswick, and has ammassed quite a pile of unrequested remixes of Army of Me. After ten years worth of these things coming in, she's decided to stick them all out on a double CD Yep, an 2CD set of nothing but Army of Me. All the money the record makes will go to charity, assuming, of course, that it makes any - not that Oasis have ever had problems flogging albums where it's just variations on the same song over and over again.

If you'd like to be part of this unprecedented-except-for-that-Toms-Diner-album project, there's still time to send remixes in: the addy is bjorkremixes@gmail.com. 128kbs mp3s and, we're sorry, but we can't return any pictures.

PARTY PARTY: It's way, way, way too short, but Bloc Party have announced a microtour to promote the Silen Alarm album. They'll be doing their stuff come March:

01 Edinburgh Liquid Room
02 Sheffield Leadmill
04 London Forum
05 Portsmouth Pyramid

... and the warming up the crowd and checking the stage duties will be done by Chromeo (not, as we heard at first "Old Meo", the member of the Matchroom Mob with "loads of dapper suits") and, in London, an extra slot with Battle in it. Battle is the new name for Killing Moon, which is a bit of a trade-down in name terms.

PRESUMABLY JOEY FROM FRIENDS WAS FIRST CHOICE FOR OFFICIANT: Congratulations, of a sort, to this happy couple:



Yes, Vince Neil and Lia Gerardini have got married in a star-studded ceremony. The oddest aspect of the whole thing was that the ceremony was conducted - can this possibly be true? - by MC Hammer. The Associated Press report this as if it's the most natural fact in the world.

HE'D HAVE GOT MORE IF THEY'D NOT ABOLISHED THE HALF PENCE PIECE: As happens semi-annually, a semi-famous rock person has had a go at busking. This time it was Jonsonite Tory Rick Wakeman, pulling in fourteen pence in the centre of York. Rick is a bit surprised - he points out he once played Madison Square Gardens for five solid nights (and still didn't reach the end of the first song):

"They took a lot more notice than the crowd here."

Yes, but if Madison Square Gardens had had an Iceland offering six Birds Eye products for a fiver and a Peacocks with prices cut across the range, you might have found yourself struggling there, too, Rick.

SEAL CLUBBING RAPPERS: Now he's got something almost approaching a profile again, Seal has launched an attack on rappers:

"It's sad when you see the rappers on TV and in the videos making these derogatory videos towards women ... kind of like sexual objects."

It might seem a bit strange for Seal to suddenly get a bit upset about this sort of thing when he's about to marry, um, a swimsuit model...



... but we're sure there's a diffence we're just missing. But Seal has more to say:

"It's sad because we're damaging our own. Like, in different cultures, you would never see that."

Responsibility

He added: "Take for example the Jewish culture. They've been persecuted just like the black people, right? But you never see them eating their own. They don't. But we will.

"I really feel that there is a responsibility and what goes around comes around."

We know it's not what he meant, but with the ages-old slanders about Jews eating babies, he might have wanted to have put a bit more thought into the phrase "You never see [Jews] eating their own..."

BRITS NOMINATIONS: Goodness, there's a dangerous prospect that this year's Brit Awards might reward musical achievement, with a much healthier looking shorlist being announced:

British male solo artist:
Jamie Cullum, Lemar, Morrissey, The Streets, Will Young

We're not sure about the inclusion of The Streets as "best male solo artist", but then there's not really a category for "loosely-organised equipe based around a central figure"; and, of course, there's always the danger that the more schmoozy and predictable Cullum might get the nod because he's so much more international. We find it amusing that Lemar has got a nomination - has he actually done anything much ever? He seems to exist solely to fill out benefit gigs, reality shows and shortlists. And we understand that Will Young's nomination was a mistake - they'd cut and paste the shortlist grid from last years and forgot to delete him from the box.

British female solo artist:
Amy Winehouse, Jamelia, Joss Stone, Natasha Bedingfield, PJ Harvey

Always a tricky category, of course, which is why in previous years they'd just slip the statuette to Annie Lennox and move on. It should go to peej, of course, but almost certainly won't; we'd hope the two she-Cullums Winehouse and Stone split the grown-ups vote. Probably Jamelia, we fear.

British album:
Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand, Keane - Hopes and Fears, Muse - Absolution, Snow Patrol - Final Straw, The Streets - A Grand Don't Come For Free

So, no Libertines then, making this about the only list in the Western World that hasn't put them into the 'best 5' category. But you'd have to say this is probably one of the most impressive line-ups of Albums ever to get the shortlisting from the Brits: it reminds you that the big sale of albums last year was achieved without any of the hokey warhorses (Travis, Oasis, Coldplay, Williams et al) turning in anything new. It's going to be the Frannies, surely?

British group:
Franz Ferdinand, Kasabian, Keane, Muse, Snow Patrol

Another snub for the Libertines, but once more a more 'proper' list than you'd expect the Brits to come up with - no McFly, no Busted; not even a Girls Aloud tucked in there - maybe this is because there's a separate 'pop' category, but we can't see why poppy acts couldn't have been considered here, too. Kasabian seem a surprising choice - we can understand why the slightly porridgey Snow Patrol have washed up there, but Kasabian? "They were in the Sunday Times Culture supplement, so we'll give them a vote." We predict a second polite mumbling from Alex Kapranos.

British single:
Band Aid 20 - Do They Know It's Christmas?, Jamelia - Thank You, LMC vs U2 - Take Me To The Clouds Above, Shapeshifters - Lola's Theme, Will Young - Your Game (Voted for by commercial radio listeners)

We're at a loss as to why, if you wanted to ask a question about quality of music, you'd ask commercial radio listeners; it's like approaching a bunch of people at the Republican National Congress and asking them to name the best Socialist philosopher. No, seriously, they reckon Band Aid 20 is a contender for the best British single of last year. Not "most righteous" or "pious", they think it scores on the basis of quality. Who knows how commercial radio listeners will vote on this one?

British rock act:
Franz Ferdinand, Kasabian, Muse, Snow Patrol, The Libertines.(Chosen by Kerrang! TV viewers)
We can just about see the way Franz Ferdinand and The Libertines have drifted into this category - although the ghost of the old Kerrang is turning in its grave... not that ghosts actually are in graves, are they? - but Snow Patrol? Rock? They might as well have just thrown Jamelia in as well. Having said which, K!TV was showing the Gwen Stefani video the last time we looked, so god alone knows who's watching the channel these days. Muse, probably, here.

British urban act:
Dizzee Rascal, Jamelia, Joss Stone, Lemar, The Streets.(Voted for by MTV Base viewers)

We're not sure if its a good thing or a bad thing that The Token Black Music Award shortlist is half-white (we know it's a two-three split, but Joss Stone is so painfully pale she counts as doubly white). And again, we're meant to be pretending that Le 'Yes, I could give Darius Danesh a run for his money' mar, Jam 'Did I mention my awful childhood' elia and Dizzee 'Awkward Grange Hill style rap for charity' Rascal are powerful forces to be reckoned with. The Streets should waltz this one.

British live act:
Franz Ferdinand, Jamie Cullum, Kasabian, Muse, The Libertines
The Libertines? To be fair, post-Doherty Libs turned in a steady performance, but weren't doing anything that excessive - and surely the Brits won't be endorsing the turn-up-perhaps ethos of pre-divorce Libs. We'd happily see Cullum get this the minute he does a show that's truly crowd-pleasing, and falls off the piano lid. Especially if it was a piano suspended over a pit of very hungry hippos. We're guessing, but we bet this will be where Kasabian get a small award to show that the Brits are ahead of the loop.

British breakthrough artist:
Franz Ferdinand, Joss Stone, Keane, Natasha Bedingfield,The Zutons (Chosen by BBC Radio 1 listeners)

The Zutons? That reminds us: whatever happened to the Coral, eh? We Vcan see this coming down, Washington State style, to Natasha v Franz

Pop act:
Avril Lavigne, Girls Aloud, Natasha Bedingfield, McFly, Westlife.
(Promoted by ITV1's CD:UK, The Sun, O2 and Samsung)

Wot, no Busted? While we know it's wrong to wish ill on people, since Westlife seem to have no intention of just stopping and going away, it seems the only hope of ever being rid of them is if they have a nasty accident (obviously, being hit by a falling Jamie Cullum and Piano would be our first choice). With such a rag-bag of "promoters" for this category, it could be anyone's. Yes, we saw Avril Lavigne listed there, and it's odd, but at least it must be pissing her off royaly to be slammed into the froth section.

International male solo artist:
Brian Wilson, Eminem, Kanye West, Tom Waits, Usher
This is more like it - yer classic Brits line-up, a total hotch-potch with a couple of guys you weren't entirely sure were dead; someone who's clearly got the nomination because the people voting spend most of their time overseas and hadn't realised he's totally unknown here; a "dangerous" option who's actually as safe as a neutered labrador having a nap; and a bloke who's been nominated in the vague hope that he might turn up and do a song to try and make the Brits of interest to the US networks. Eminem?

International female solo artist:
Alicia Keys, Anastacia, Gwen Stefani, Kelis, Kylie Minogue
Dull, worthy, poorly edited, underperforming... and Kylie. It's not been a glorious year for Kylie, but since it's probably her last hurrah, she'll get it for old time's sake.

International album:
Killers - Hot Fuss, Maroon 5 - Songs About Jane, OutKast - Speakerboxxx/ The Love Below, Scissor Sisters - Scissor Sisters, U2 - How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
Why is Scissor Sisters in the international category? Aren't they on a British label? Don't their records usually count as British under BPI rules? Anyway, if there was any justice, they'd pick up an award here, but it's going to be U2, isn't it?

International group:
Green Day, Maroon 5, OutKast, Scissor Sisters, U2
We've tried to get people to explain the fascination with Maroon 5 to us, we really have. Nobody can actually explain what it is they do that makes them keep turning up at awards ceremonies. We're assuming that what will happen here is, if U2 do win the album award, the Sisters will get this one.

International breakthrough act:
Jet, Kanye West, Killers, Maroon 5, Scissor Sisters
Much as it hurts us to admit it, Jet probably deserve this one. The formbook, though, probably means it'll get given to Maroon 5 - which may well be the last we ever see of them.

Brits 25 best song award:
Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart, Kate Bush - Wuthering Heights, Queen - We Are Champions, Robbie Williams - Angels, Will Young - Leave Right Now (Voted for by BBC Radio 2 listeners)
As if to disprove all those articles saying how cool Radio 2 is, they've somehow got the Williams and - oh, Huwedwards, Leave Right Now onto the shortlist. And so they'll probably go and make one of those the overall winner as well. Maybe The Right Thinking People should just agree to throw all our weight behind Kate Bush?

Outstanding contribution to music: Bob Geldof
Hey... we love I Don't Like Mondays, but beyond that... what contribution is this he's being rewarded for, exactly? The Vegetarians of Love?

POSSIBLY NOT QUITE WHAT HE HAD IN MIND: We admire Ricky Martin's determination to end exploitation of children, and his concern that post-Tsunami Thailand might be offering numerous untracked opportunities for kids to be sucked into the netherworld without many people noticing. The trouble is, when he tells CNN:

"A lot of children in Thailand became orphans after the tsunami. They are perfect preys for the traffickers to go on with their business. We cannot let this happen[...] These are 600,000 children that could be perfect -- could be preys for the traffickers. We're talking about a third of the population of the victims. They can be abducted. They can be forced into prostitution. They can be forced into child pornography, organ trafficking. It is a really scary business, but this business is generating $7 billion a year. It needs to be stopped. [...] awareness is the most important thing. There is a lot of denial about this issue. This issue is so dark. People don't want to even hear about this. And I just need to be very, very stubborn about this issue and talk. Talk, repetition, I think, is the most important thing that we can do to educate someone."

... he sounds less like someone trying to stop an enormous injustice, more like a travel agent trying to sell Gary Glitter an all-you-can-eat buffet? Maybe Martin should try and focus his media interview slots on why its wrong, and how it will be stopped; the punishments that are already in place and how offenders will be caught?

CAN A LEADEN DOG SWIM IN THE NORTH?: We're not entirely sure we quite believe the quote in its entirety, but we don't doubt that's more than smidge of truth in the reports that Minnie Driver is a bit surprised quite how badly her records have stiffed. The Sunday Mirror has her appealing to her mother in some horrible fish and chip shop in Malibu ("Malibu's sea god fantasy-themed Granita restaurant"):

"Oh mummy, I put my heart and soul into it but they're trying to ship me off to Canada to promote it," Minnie moaned. "Why do I have to go to Canada? I don't want to, mummy."

... BUT SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT IT: What matters is not that people know you do the right thing, but that you know that you do. Take, for example, Jennifer Lopez's charity work at the Children's Hospital Los Angeles - "I don't like to do my charity work in public" she, um, tells Latina Magazine in a, er, big feature on the charity work she does.

"It's an important thing that no matter how much money you have, you can go someplace if your child is sick."

Yeah, J-Lo, you're so right. Here's an idea, then - why not let the state collect taxes from you to pay for socialised medicine, free at the point of delivery?

PRESUMABLY TRACK 5 OF 'THIS IS MY TRUTH' WILL BE AVOIDED...: It seems the Millennium Stadium's firm commitment to the Tsunami benefit has unlocked a load of confirmations for playing - now, it's more than Aled Jones and Lemar, as the Manics have said they'll play; also making definite travel plans are Badly Drawn Boy, Snow Patrol and Embrace.

Tickets have been flying fairly well from the box office - 45,000 had moved by teatime yesterday.

BANDS IN PIECES: Nobody's quite sure what's happened, but it seems Ikara Colt are busy looking for another drummer; they might find someone in the wreckage of the McCluskey split.

The McCluskeys have apparently oozed out the following statement:

"The three piece rock band known as mclusky have disbanded, as of friday january 7th, 2005.

The reason for this parting is private, though probably not as entertaining as you'd imagine.

Personally, I would like to thank all the people, places and times that occured on or near us.

I`m grateful for the love and to to a lesser degree, the hate. There'll be more music soon, from all of us. "

Also giving up the ghost (don't you hate it when bands carry-through on News Years Resolutions?) are The Unicorns, who have apparently agreed not to work together for a while. (What would that be, then: a trial separation?)

IT TAKES A VILLAGE, IT SEEMS: So, although it's being dressed up otherwise, Radio One is axing the Peel Show. In place of the one show covering all musics, there's going to be one thread - One Music, which is currently a website. The new guys helming the programme will be affable Huw Stephens, who co-hosts the Thursday Wales opt-out, 1Xtra's Ras Kwame, and Rod DaBank. All excellent presenters, and the shows will doubtless be packed with great stuff, but it's a little like seeing the collection broken up and shipped off in pieces.

CREEPIER AND CREEPIER: Apparently, to mark the 25th anniversary, the Brits is going to come over all like The Simspons. That's the dysfunctional family from Brookside, not the yellow ones from Springfield. Because we can't think of a single Prince song that Daniel and Natasha Bedingfield could duet on that won't sound slightly icky coming from a brother and sister. We're not religious, but we're lighting candles in the hope it won't be Get Off.

YOU'VE BUST YOUR LABEL: Then: Ministry of Sound was riding the crest of a dance music boom, respected and cooler than the heart of a baked alaska.
Now: Ministry of Sound are promoting a keep-fit video featuring the dancers from the Eric Prydz video.

TSUNAMI GIGS: More Tsunami stuff: James Walsh from chubindie giants Starsailor is going to be doing a solo set at the Belfast Tsunami aid mini-fest on Sunday 23rd. Therapy? are also going to be there, along with a load of local bands, spread across three rooms in the Limelight.

ORIGINAL STUPIDS (C) MICROSOFT 2005: There's not been much doubt that Bill Gates is more a lucky huckster than a intellectual heavyweight, and that these days his thinking is restricted to little more than "shall I use the waffle maker in the east kitchen or the west kitchen" and "with all these zeros on my bank statement, is that a quillion or a gazillion dollars?" But even by the standards of a man who believed that Windows XP was ready ship, his outburst about calls for copyright reform is surprising:

QUESTION: In recent years, there’s been a lot of people clamoring to reform and restrict intellectual-property rights. It started out with just a few people, but now there are a bunch of advocates saying, “We’ve got to look at patents, we’ve got to look at copyrights.” What’s driving this, and do you think intellectual-property laws need to be reformed?

BILL GATES: No, I’d say that of the world’s economies, there’s more that believe in intellectual property today than ever. There are fewer communists in the world today than there were. There are some new modern-day sort of communists who want to get rid of the incentive for musicians and moviemakers and software makers under various guises. They don’t think that those incentives should exist.

... thereby revealing he doesn't understand anything about the copyright debate, nor, indeed, much about the differences between Communism and Socialism, and precious little about either of those, too.

CHERYL TWEEDY ATE MY HOMEWORK: There's something quite cruel about the new Radio One competition, where you can win pop stars being ordered to spend the day with you at school (Radio One just seems to accept that its listeners will be at school these days, then). The winning entrant will get to choose between Lemar, Girls Aloud, Feeder, Daniel Bedingfield and - oh, god help the poor head teacher - Goldie Lookin' Chain. The musicians will be expected to take part in lessons - "No, Tweedy, seven times seven isn't seventy-seven..." - including PE, which should be a hoot if it's Daniel Bedingfield. Our sweetest hope, though, is Gripper and his gang enter and get GLC down for a spot of ear-twisting and stealing their dinner money. Guns don't kill people, the blue goldfish do.

MUSIC ON THE TV: Did we really hear Cat Deeley correctly on this weekend's CD:UK, praising "Gordon Brown's brave public support for Band Aid"? Unless our ears are wearing out either Deeley has discovered a talent for political satire, or she really hasn't thought that one through very much.

AND I THINK I CAN EXPLAIN THAT...: The total balls-up where Fairfield Warde high school tried to honor old boy John Mayer, only for him to be frogrmarched off the premises as a "security" threat has become a running sore for headteacher James Coyne. And he's attempted to explain exactly what went wrong with, um, limited success:

"I guess I'm disappointed with the attention it's been given," Coyne said Monday. "A complete explanation wasn't provided in the news stories. The one thing that didn't come out is we very much wanted to honor John, but we wanted it to be in an atmosphere appropriate for the students and safe for everyone concerned. We have a great deal of respect for what he accomplished and think he has a positive message for the kids. He had a dream and he followed it."

That's right, dammit - it's so disappointing when the media latch onto something like a school bundling its honoured old boy out the back door and into a carpark from an event designed to praise his success.

Coyne says that the problem was that Mayer only accepted the invite two days before the event and " that did not allow enough time to hire security and police officers to keep excited fans at bay, [Hall of Fame Committee Chairman James] Conley said.

Anyone who's ever seen the Yellow Pages for that area will acknowledge that it could take days, maybe even weeks to search the listings for 'security' - and you can just picture the number of excited fans we're talking about here, who'd be making their way out to Fairfield to see John Mayer.

"I'm sorry it happened," Conley added. "I'm not apologizing for anything, because we did our part. He just didn't give us any time. You have to have security when someone of his stature is around. What do you see when you go to a concert? Men in front of the stage with shirts that say 'security.' All we had was me, and I'm 68-years-old."

Well... yes, it's true at gigs you do often see men with tshirts that read "security" - that would be at a gig, mind. This was a school event where only students and teachers and a few family members were gathering. It was hardly likely to be Altamont.

Conley said he was standing near [Fellow inductee JJ] Henry's baby, who was fast asleep in a carriage.
"That could have been a disaster," he said. "'Having John Mayer there ... with no security?'"

We don't know for certain, but we suspect that Battleship Potemkin may have made a deep psychological impact on Mr. Conley. People - babies - excitement? You don't even need the Odessa steps to see how all that could end up.

We're actually not sure how Henry and the other inductees must be feeling about all this, to be honest: the message seems to have been that the school decided they were so obscure they needed no protection from braying crowds at all.

Aside from the potential for a frenzied crowd of students during a full day of school just before the holiday vacation, Conley said it also would have been unfair to some students if Mayer was allowed in. The auditorium could not house the entire student body, Conley said, and teens who did not get to see the popular performer would have been disappointed.

... but Mayer hadn't invited himself - he'd been invited in the first place. So what would they have done if he had said he'd go all along? Or would the students who'd missed out been okay and not disappointed as he'd RSVPed promptly?

The story gets better when Mayer does turn up, and the teachers panic that he might be spotted:

When Mayer arrived at the school, he was led into Coyne's office, where the headmaster said they discussed the security situation and made a tentative agreement for him to come back to the school.
Coyne said he waited until the bell rang so students could change classes without seeing Mayer in the hallway, adding he "could understand why Mayer thought he was stalling him."
"He was accompanied to his car as a courtesy," Coyne said, "and I thought we had agreed to do it at another time. Because he is such a celebrity, his presence in the school at that time wasn't something we thought was a good idea."

Still, we guess the main idea behind the Hall of Fame had been to raise Fairfield's profile around the planet. They really managed that.

HOW THE BPI CACKLE WHEN THEY RUIN A MAN'S LIFE: The tale of John Stewart, a former police superintendent, is an interesting one. He and his son had been making some pin money flogging dodgy CDs at car boot sales in Leeds. (It's interesting that even a former senior policeman - someone who's taken a solemn pledge to maintain the law - doesn't seem to be that bothered about a spot of CD piracy). The law caught up with him, and the courts passed their judgement: Stewart was given a sixteen month suspended sentence.

Now, this seems to be a fair sentence: for a man with his background, even the court appearance would have been enough to bring him shame and ruin his name and image. And, presumably, the courts were satisified that while what he did was wrong, it wasn't so very terrible. The sentence had been passed.

Now, the BPI are usually quite keen on the rule of law - they're certainly in love with it when it fits their worldview. But this judgement seemed to be lacking venegance to them - anti-piracy director of the BPI David Manning described the verdict as "laughable", and so they set about giving Stewart the kicking they believed he deserved, bringing a legal action to "reclaim" their "losses."

Manning explained their motivation:

"Stewart was a parasite who had amassed a small fortune at the expense of the British record labels who invest millions of pounds each year in new music. Having built up an illegal retirement fund at our members' expense, for him to get off was quite simply unacceptable."

Shortly before the whole thing was due to come to court, Stewart and the BPI came to an agreement where he'd pay ninety grand to the BPI in costs and damages. The BPI's response was somewhat shrill and gloating:

"Having re-mortgaged his home to pay the costs and damages claims against him, he now faces financial ruin."

We're not entirely sure how a man who had supposedly been "building up an illegal retirement fund" and "amassed a small fortune" would have needed to re-mortgage his home in order to settle: either, surely, he had a small fortune or he didn't? And is the British Music Industry really telling us that it sees its job not merely as reclaiming what it feels it has lost, but in leaving retired men in penury?

AARON NEARLY GOES UP IN SMOKE: Nobody would get any pleasure from the thought of anyone, even Aaron Carter, burning to death in a car, so it's great that he managed to escape from his vehicle when it went up in flames. It also is great that he survived, so we can laugh at how he got bested by some bedding.

He was driving his SUV along a Florida road when a mattress flew off a van in front of him. So, because he was driving an enormous, planet-fucking SUV, he thought he unstoppable, and drove over the mattress. The mattress got caught underneath his stupidly outsized vehicle and caught fire. Carter scrambled out seconds before the SUV exploded - and, of course, being a gas-guzzling behemoth, it had an awful lot of fuel to go boom.

Let's hope he buys a slightly more economically-friendly car next time round.

A STRANGE PERSPECTIVE: We suspect BPI head Peter Jamieson is the sort of bloke who has trouble seeing anything other than the rain symbols when he watches a weather forecast. For how else could a man look at the brilliant performance of the UK music industry and only be able to mutter "we are seeing a strong move in the digital market which is helping to create the beginning of a turn for the industry."

The beginning of a turn? But 2004 was a bumper, bumper year - sure, the total value of the CD market didn't grow, but that's because the artificially inflated prices the big labels have imposed on us for years are starting to be adjusted - the number of actual discs being sold is higher than ever. But 2003 was also a record year for CD sales... so that's two years of selling more and more CDs than ever, and it constitutes "the beginning of a turn for the industry." Of course, it's very hard for the BPI to look ecstatic as their industry does really well - they're kind of the Corporate Stan Ogden, pretending to have a bad back in order to gain everyone's sympathy and an easy time of things. Even they, though, are going to have to admit the truth sooner or later: downloading is helping boost CD sales. Just like everyone on the other side of the debate has told them it would.

THE WORLD THE RIAA IS MAKING: Seven year old Julia Illana went to North Carolina Museum of Art, to see some of the great works by the ageless artists: Picasso and Matisse. Inspired, she attempted to sketch her own versions of the paintings. That's when a guard approached her, and told her sketching a copy of a work of art was a breach of copyright. Thats right, the ceaseless skriking of the RIAA has started to make Americans - even those who should know better - are starting to believe that copyright is a solid, everlasting ban on any reproduction. The gallery has apologised for the misinformation, but maybe its time the RIAA was called upon to help put right the erroneous impression it's helped to create. Unless, of course, the big record companies would rather people didn't know that, actually, quite often it's okay to copy stuff.

A DANGEROUS PRECEDENT: It's not unusual - especially at a festive time - for an artist to turn up too sloshed to entertain. So, You Am I's Tim Roger's drunken screw-up at Tasmania's Falls Festival isn't in itself unusual - he crashed to the ground trying to hug Missy Higgins; he tried to beat the crap out of his own guitarist onstage and had to be "helped" off.

What is difference, though, is - waking up in a pool of vomit and regret - rather than chortling "Rook and Rawl!" and high-fiving, Rogers posted a full apology:

"I'm sorry from the bottom of my rotten gut to people who were disappointed," he said.

"I love this band and the people who've given us a go. I don't want my daughter to see me as a fuck up and so I promise to her to get it together."

THE WORLD HERE BEING DEFINED AS THE BIT BETWEEN CARLISLE AND BRIGHTON: While we would never want to point out the weakness in Robbie Williams' success, we doubt that his title as "most popular celebrity in the World" counts for much. Apparently, its been awarded purely on the basis that he was the most-popular search term on Celebrities Worldwide - which, while a mightily useful resource, is usually turned to by British media types looking for contact details. Not quite the same thing as being on the tips of tongues of all the world, then.

MORE CHRISTMAS ENGAGEMENTS: Presumably happy that - now he's been reduced to walk-ons on daytime TV dressed as a cake - he's not going to overshadow her in the partnership, Cameron Diaz has agreed to a merger with Justin Timberlake. We really wouldn't want to be the photographer at that wedding, just in case Cameron forgets he's been asked to be there.

NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR ACTION: ... it's time for mawkish sentiment. As if the terrible prospect of Mike Read's Grief Never Dies wasn't bad enough, now Sharon Osbourne is pulling together another musical fundraiser. The line-up is dismal in its own right - Elton John from the Dead Princess Diana record, Rod Stewart, Robbie Williams, Stephen Tyler and - for the kids - Gwen Stefani of the digital camera business. But the song Sharon has chosen ("we could not think of a more appropriate song") is Eric Clapton's Tears In Heaven.

Now, Clapton could just about get away with the song because it was written while he was in genuine, immeasurable grief following the death of his son - but to suggest that its broad-brush sob-a-long-a-sniff is "the most appropriate" song for fundraising for the tsunami victims probably marks the point where the world's stunned reaction has started to be trimmed down into a manageable, tidy, plastic-bag-of-flowers-and-teddy-bear-tied-to-the-railings bit of mawk. It's interesting that Sharon thinks that the appropriate reaction is a lyric describing how it feels for us, something to give us all a bit of a wallow, rather than a call to arms. It's incredible that she's managed to make We Are The World seem like a more thoughtful reaction, but then Sharon never fails to take us to a new place, does she?

Oh, and naturally: Kelly's being invited to sing along on the song. We're guessing it'll be another one of those "moving" duets with her dad.

I COLLECT, I REJECT: Gwen Stefani clearly has decided to vaccuum up as much cash as humanely possible off the back of her debut solo album, suggesting she realises that once people have heard it she's going to have a much weakened pull as a brand. So it is that she's signing endorsement deals with anyone who can pull together a garishly-coloured, poorly-designed piece of rubbish fast enough: get your Gwen Stefani "designed" digital camera. To keep her core market sweet, she's (or someone has) stuck the words 'Harajuku Lovers' on the front, judging that it never hurts to suck up to the cash-rich, taste-poor masses.