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No matter how much time, effort and money she spends on her look (like this, from her Elle photo shoot) she always looks like an eight year old trying to look grown-up in Mummy's clothes (while Mummy is down doing her shift at WalMart):
The long wait for a new Helen Love single is nearly over: Bubblegum Killers is scheduled for release May 2nd. Go on; you know you want one.
We're not the sort to be excited by the news that a once-famous act is turning up at G-A-Y, or "a step ahead of celebrity wrestling", but on April 30th they're hosting Daphne and Celeste and Lolly. Both of whom were a lot older than they were meant to be in the first place, and they're still pretending to be the same age. Hurrah!
We're also delighted that there's still, floating about online, a video capture from the time Daphne and Celeste were on hand to seranade Huw Edwards as he left TV Centre from BBC Choice's much-missed RDA. (Actually, can we have this back now? Please?) [RealPlayer link and, be warned, also features Jim Davidson]
Go on, treat yourself:
We Didn't Say That ("includes lyrics")
Lolly - My First (and indeed only) album
There's something so sweet about Britney Spears going 'alright' when a schoolkid - fourth grader Veronica You - pushed a note under her door asking for an interview, we feel our whole day is glowing a little.
Mind you, when she got a piece of paper slipped into her room written on school paper, in the childish scrawl of a fourth grade kid saying 'can i talk to you', she probably thought it was Kevin Federline trying to set up a meeting.
Nick Lachey, who plays Darin in Jessica Simpson's Newly Weds programme, is keen to know when all the rumours of their marriage coming to an end will stop.
Dunno, Nick. When are you thinking of getting a divorce? End of season three? Round about then, then.
So, we have a name for the new White Stripes album - Get Behind Me Satan - and Amazon are already taking orders. And they're confirmed for Glastonbury.
So why doesn't it feel exciting?
We don't want to knock a fine-sounding idea, but Radio One's introduction of a new playlist category sounds to be like the introduction of extra codification where none is needed.
The 1-Upfront list will contain five songs from "emerging" artists (we don't know, but we'd guess it means whatever they damn well want it to mean). These five tracks will be guaranteed between two and four plays across the week.
The principle is good - guaranteed slots for new artists, hurray - but the question has to be: why, exactly, does Radio One need to have this sort of Soviet-era system?
Radio One head of music and live events Alex Jones-Donelly said: “In Radio One’s daytime output, we’ve never got the opportunity to play all the records we’d like to play."
But... but... if you'd like to play them, and they're worth playing, why aren't you playing them anyway? Have Virgin broken in and stolen them? Is there a secret BBC ban on playing certain records unless they're on a list? The only thing that, surely, stops Radio One playing what they want is the existence of a playlist at all. Trust your DJs, trust your producers, Radio One: don't introduce another mini-playlist - just scrap the list altogether. Then you can play all the records you'd like to play. All day. And forever.
If you haven't read The Nation's Favourite, by the way, you really should.
If we lived in Detroit, we'd probably vote for Martha Reeves, who is running for council there at the moment. Even if her platform is, well, a little vague:
"I think I've had a very good opportunity to travel the world and to observe things. I've always been a good team player and I figure I'll be an asset on our city council in Detroit.
"I'd like to start with the schools and have them, you know, sort of scrutinised and have them get a better understanding of how to educate our children."
Rumours that Michael Howard is now wishing he'd added "Sort of scrutinise schools" to the front page of the Tory election manifesto are frankly made up; really, they don't want to be tying themselves down to that sort of pledge at this point.
But it's no good being Martha Reeves if you can't work in the song title, is it? Luckily, on the stump, her inspiration didn't let her down:
"I think that our city council could probably get along better if they had a little music. And I'll get them to dance in the streets."
There's a wee slap-fight going on between Robert Plant and Jimmy Page. Page was upset that Plant couldn't be arsed to turn up to the Grammy Awards; Plant has basically suggested that Page really should try and find himself a hobby to fill the post Led Zeppelin void in his life:
"Jimmy had a bit of a go at me for not being there, but what can you do? What I'm doing now is more important to me.
"It's great to look back and smile. But middle-aged self-congratulation is very dangerous."
Our new favourite band, The Priscillas, are apparently about to do a quick jaunt to America (there the better to kick The Donnas' butts, we presume); they're scheduled to do a few gigs in New York and New Jersey, plus (on the 19th) they're doing a WFMU session. They nearly won the BBC Somerset competition for a slot on the Peel stage at Glastonbury, but somehow they were beaten by the Mad Staring Eyes. We bet Peel would have given The Priscillas first place.
A further indication that Oasis have more or less given up being treated as a proper band: they've granted first review rights for the new album to, erm, Victoria Newton's tits and tattle Bizarre column in the Sun. Nice to see Noel cosying up to the Murdoch press, but it's paid off:
I'm the first journalist OASIS have let hear their new album Don’t Believe The Truth – and I’m amazed how much I love it trills Victoria.
By which we guess that she means she liked it even more than she was contractually obliged to under the first listen agreement.
Congratulations, Noel: you're now so washed-up as a creative force you're reduced to launching your album in a gossip column.
Tom Morello said that if he had a vote in the UK elections, he'd ask Billy Bragg how to use it. Happily, Billy Bragg is prepared to do just that. He's organising a tactical voting campaign to try and shift Oliver Letwin out of his Dorset seat; none of the parties seem that impressed. What is amusing, though, is that the Tories seem to think the landslide which swept so many of them from power in 1997 was a result of tactical working:
"It is quite clear that the tactical voting that was around in 1997 is falling apart and if anything we might even be seeing tactical voting against Mr Blair."
This years nominations for the Ivors have been published, and it's a mix between the truly good (The Streets), the truly awful (Limp Bizkit covering The Who) and Natasha Bedingfield. This is what's up for what:
Best song musically and lyrically:
Dry Your Eyes Performed by The Streets. Written by Mike Skinner.
These Words Performed by Natasha Bedingfield. Written by Stephen Kipner/Andrew Frampton/Natasha Bedingfield/Wayne Wilkins.
Everybody's Changing Performed by Keane. Written by Tim Rice-Oxley/Tom Chaplin/Richard Hughes
Now, we have a soft spot for Keane, and we know that's more or less akin to saying you enjoy weeing on babies or actually masturbating while watching one of Richard Desmond's porn channels, but there you are. But natasha bedingfield? Under whose ordinance? Still, this really should be a sweet victory for the Streets, don't you think?
Best contemporary song:
For Lovers Performed by Wolfman Featuring Pete Doherty. Written by Peter Wolfe/Peter Doherty/Julian Taylor/Edmund Scott/Matt White/David Banks/Matt Scott.
Blinded By The Lights Performed by The Streets. Written by Mike Skinner.
Take Me Out Performed by Franz Ferdinand. Written by Robert Hardy/Alex Kapranos/Nick McCarthy.
Ah, and here are Franz Ferdinand - once again, they and the Streets dominate all another awards ceremony with a dose of Doherty and/or Libertines; these things have been converging for some years now, but has there been a year before where the same bands lead the Mercurys, the Brits, the NME awards, the sales charts and the Ivors? We are all indie kids now, it seems.
Most performed work:
Amazing Performed by George Michael. Written by George Michael/ Jonathan Douglas.
Toxic Performed by Britney Spears. Written by Cathy Dennis/ Christian Karlsson/Henrik Jonback.
Thank You Performed by Jamelia. Written by Jamelia Davies/Carsten Schack/Peter Biker.
Did the George Michael song really get played that often? Thank You we did hear being drummed to death, and Toxic seems to have been on in every shop and every planet-bursting we've been to this year.
International hit of the year:
Behind Blue Eyes Performed by Limp Bizkit. Written by Pete Townshend.
Do They Know It's Christmas? Performed by Band Aid 20. Written by Bob Geldof/Midge Ure.
Vertigo Performed by U2. Written by Bono/The Edge/Adam Clayton/Larry Mullen Jr.
Good god, what a shambles of a category - and why is Band Aid 20 "international"? Sure, Geldof is Irish, but Ure isn't - and very few of the stellar cast (you bet your arse we're being catty) weren't from the UK. But then, any judging system which chooses Limp Bizkit as one of the three best songs not from the UK last year obviously has a serious flaw in it.
Best selling UK single:
All This Time Performed by Michelle McManus. Written by Wayne Hector/Steve Mac/Lorne A Tennant.
Do They Know It's Christmas? Performed by Band Aid 20. Written by Bob Geldof/Midge Ure.
Call On Me Performed by Eric Prydz. Written by Steve Winwood/Eric Prydz/Will Jennings.
Hang about... all of a sudden Band Aid is UK again? What's going on here?
Best original film score:
Deep Blue Composed by George Fenton.
Man On Fire Composed by Harry Gregson-Williams.
Enduring Love Composed by Jeremy Sams.
Best original music for television:
Fallen Composed by Paul Leonard-Morgan.
North And South Composed by Martin Phipps.
Blackpool Composed by Rob Lane.
We'd go with North and South, ourselves. Out on DVD now, too, you know:
They've not taken full control yet, but already the influence of Clear Channel is starting to be felt at the Mean Fiddler - they've announced plans to try and increase the numbers attending Reading by 10,000 - over 18% more people coming into an already overstretched area. Residents in the area aren't particularly thrilled, although the Mean Fiddler's Melvin Benn tries to suggest that there won't be a traffic impact:
"We also have the ability to sell the additional 10,000 tickets on a combined package of either rail and ticket use or national express and ticket use. The impact on the local community, such as traffic, will be negligible because the only method of buying the ticket is through purchase of a combined package."
Because, of course, nobody is going to buy a ticket with a cheap add-on for coach travel from somewhere nearby - say, Oxford - and turn up by car anyway. Are they?
Like the Conservative Party, Girls Aloud have confounded everyone's expectations (and, lets be frank, hopes) that they'd just disappear quietly. Like the Tories, though, they just seem to take the attitude that since they've survived against the odds, they might as well push things a little harder and stack the odds against their survival a little bit more. In other words, their plans to do a cover of Chris Isaak'as Wicked Game is their election of Michael Howard to leadership role. It might not be the longest suicide note in history, but it is the most cloth-eared rendering the word "Help Us" in Number 7 lipstick on a bathroom mirror that we can think of.
When on earth did they make this decision?
Oh.
We really had wondered if Michael Bolton could make himself seem any more dull, but he really has pulled the stops out for us. He loves going on tour, he says. Why? The chance to sample new cultures, see astonishing new sites? Maybe it's a good excuse to nip down to the local shops and pick up some fresh influences in the local record store? No, it's because touring means he can play a new golf course. Good grief.
Our ears did prick up slightly when we heard that oh-so-sweet Christian rock act Amy Grant is going to make her fans' dreams come true for a new TV series.
But it turns out it's just going to be a Jim'll Fix It type affair rather than making those dreams come true. Yes, even if you supply the catsuit and swimming pool full of chicken soup yourself.
Big Boi from Outkast is having to expand the parking slots in his new home to 17, due to a habit of stopping and buying cars he sees with a 'For sale' ad in the window.
Mind you, if you're thinking that could be the way to get rid of your beat-up T reg Fiesta, he does seem to prefer Rolls Royces - which makes us wonder who, exactly, would try and sell a Phantom by sticking a card in the window with a mobile number? Boi reckons loads of people do this in his neighbourhood...
So, you're writing Good Charlotte slash fiction, but you feel a bit queasy whenever you make Benji and Joel get off with each other. The solution? you just decide to not make them twins. There's always an ethical workaround.
But can anyone explain why there's quite so much Good Charlotte fanfic on the web?
The CPS have confirmed that the Doherty-Wass charges have been dropped, which presumably means that Pete will be relieved of the need to operate under strict curfew terms and conditions.
Pity; that seemed to be the only way to guarantee he'd turn up on time to play a gig.
This would be your Glastonbury 2005 line-up, then:
PYRAMID STAGE
+ White Stripes
+ Coldplay
+ Kylie
+ The Killers
+ New Order
+ Doves
+ Elvis Costello
+ Brian Wilson
+ Van Morrison
+ The Zutons
+ The Coral
+ Ash
+ Kaiser Chiefs
+ Goldie Looking Chain
+ Jools Holland
+ The Thrills
+ John Butler Trio
+ The Undertones
+ The Subways
+ Taj Mahal
+ Hayseed Dixies
+ Garbage
OTHER STAGE
+ Razorlight
+ Kasabian
+ Ian Brown
+ Fatboy Slim
+ Royksop
+ Bloc Party
+ Interpol
+ Rufus Wainwright
+ The Bravery
+ Futureheads
+ Echo And The Bunnymen
+ Athlete
+ The Dears
+ Cooper Temple Clause
+ Hot Hot Heat
+ Soulwax
+ Cake
+ Thirteen Senses
+ Brendon Benson
+ Martha Wainwright
+ Tom Vek
+ Black Bud
+ Dead 60's
+ KT Tunstall
+ Modey Lemon
+ Engineers
JOHN PEEL STAGE
+ The Tears
+ Go Team
+ Bright Eyes
+ The Earlies
+ Willy Mason
+ Mia
+ Secret Machines
+ M83
+ Your Code Name Is Milo
+ Maximo Park
+ Nine Black Alps
+ Jem
+ James Blunt
+ Dresden Dols
+ The Subways
+ Be Your Own Pet
+ Rilo Kiley
+ The Rakes
+ Art Brut
+ Hard Fi
+ Longcut
+ Morning Runner
+ Infidels
+ Outset
+ El President
Broadly, of course, we're in agreement with the article Chris Martin has signed - sorry, written - in today's Times, where he sets out his big election issue. Yes, we need to sort out the African debt crisis and free trade. But does Chris really believe that this is the key issue at this election?
It is often said that ordinary people don’t care about issues such as Africa, but I don’t think this is true. Look at the £37 million raised by Comic Relief this year. Look at the 6.5 million people who have signed the Big Noise petition to make trade fair
Mmm, people do care about it, but the issue which will guide people's hands at the ballot box? That seems unlikely. More to the point: if it is, shouldn't Martin be suggesting what strategy those concerned about Africa should be adopting at the polls? But advice there comes none (although, frankly, we can probably all work out for ourselves that Oliver Letwin as Chancellor isn't going to be news they'll be hoping for in Sub-Saharan Africa). There's not even advice about things to look out for, questions to ask local candidates. In effect, Martin's big piece about the election isn't about the election at all.
He's deleted all the posts on his Limp Bizkit blog again - probably just as well, the April 1st stuff was so lame even we looked the other way and pretended it wasn't happening. Now, all there is this entry:
post
music
How totally gnomic. The bizkit diehards fall into two loose groupings, to judge by the comments: those who think that this is just about the smartest thing they've ever heard (like... it's just the music, man) and a larger group who are getting pissed off with all this Nancy Drew level mystery bullshit and want to know the release date of the album. To us, it we're reminded of the bit in Heathers where the priest goes "Eskimo."
Of course, all the mystery about what the album will called and when it will be released is sort of pointless as Amazon is already accepting pre-release orders for the album The Unquestionable Truth Part One, shipping from May 3rd.
And you've gotta love that "part one"; this stylish move adapted from Listen Without Prejudice Volume One, we suspect.
Michael's Mom, Katherine Jackson, has explained that her not being in court to hear a security guard tell the jury he'd seen Jacko giving a blow job to a thirteen year old wasn't because she was alarmed at the prospect of hearing details of her son having sex with a teenage lad, but because she hadn't been able to get back in after a toilet break.
The defense, meanwhile, reckons the former guard has made up the story because he lost an earlier lawsuit against Jackson. It's increible the number of times they've been able to suggest a negative witness is claiming revenge after some other battle with Jackson - he doesn't have many friends, does he?
Good grief - Madonna's acting is now so rotten that even when Guy Ritchie's in charge of the movie, her efforts end up being melted down and ploughed into the ground. If even Guy thinks she's so poor that he's prepared to risk sleeping on the sofa, where will she ever find a producer insane enough to let her have her way on a filmset again? In the mirror, that's where - she's planning to turn producer.
Her first big idea is a backstage movie following Madonna around the world on a tour - yes, the idea does sound familiar; that was the idea behind the rubbishy Truth or Dare ("look, here's Warren Beatty again... my big friend has apparently been date raped but, nevermind, look, it's ME!"... and here's Warren beatty again..."), but at that point at least there was a degree of interest in Madonna behind the scenes. Now it's going to be Kabollocks and no close-ups on the hands, the prospect of spending ninety minutes watching carefully chosen image bolstering is even grimmer.
Apparently, the idea is to get this movie shown at Cannes, which will give her an in to line-up directors for her next big idea. Material Girls, which is a film that seems to exist purely because it's one of her song titles. The plot is about a pair of cosmetic company heiresses who lose their family fortune." In other words, Madonna's two big ideas are remaking the last movie she appeared in that anyone paid to see, and half an idea stolen from The Simple Life.
Meanwhile: Apparently she's still too busy with all this to issue a response to the bloke from the Kabballah Centre's claims that the Jews who died in the holocaust had brought it on themselves. Her phone must never stop ringing.
If Mariah Carey is really so very worried that being born to a famous mother would ruin a child's life, why doesn't she just stop putting on the push-up bra and making records? Indeed, Mariah says she's so worried, she's prepared to wait until her career dwindles before embarking on starting a family. So, that's about two years ago, then. Here's how Mariah explains it all:
"For me, it's a very big commitment to have a child. Even just as a famous person, to bring a child into the world, you have to think about how to explain it to them, because they're not choosing to come into the life of a celebrity, they're going to be born into it.
How terribly difficult it must be, being a famous person. And to think most mothers on the planet think they've got it tough trying to make the food and money stretch - they should try raising a child with a busy OK Magazine schedule to keep to.
We'd suggest that when you reach the point where, like Hilary Duff, you're spendinhg fifty dollars buying your dog a dress, it's time to acknowledge that you don't need any more money.
What's perhaps the most puzzling thing about the report of a Metallica computer game is that Lars Ulrich chooses the same point to sniff dismisively about the possibility of there being a greatest hits album - as if the thought of doing that would be somehow worse than letting yourself be pixelated and zapped into the heads of game-players.
Mind you, at least its a shreweder adaptation of new technology than their Napster war: this week, Nielsen announced mens spending on computer games overtook their spending on music in the US; and a quarter of gamers are over 40, so that's right in the Metallica market. (Music now is third bloke purchase each month, behind video games and DVDs)
Thanks to MightyPie for the link (which they sent me ages ago...)
He's unlikely to be the next Prime Minister, but it's possible he could have a kingmaker role, if there's a hung parliament. But is there any Kingmaker in his record collection? Here's what Charles Kennedy chose when he was on Desert Island Discs:
1. 'The Cameron Highlanders'
Performer Ian Kennedy Composer Trad.
Well, there's one for the constituents...
2. 'Young Americans'
Performer David Bowie
3. 'Vissi d'arte' from Tosca
Performer Maria Callas with Paris Conservatoire Orchestra
4. 'Fly me to the Moon' (in other words)
Performer Frank Sinatra
5. 'Praise my Soul the King of Heaven'
Performer Choir of Christ's College, Cambridge
6. 'Waiting on a Friend'
Performer Rolling Stones
7. 'Nimrod' from Elgar's Enigma Variations
Performer Simon Rattle & the City of Birmingham Symphony Orchestra
At this point, it's all going so well, you can almost hear Peter Snow gasping as his virtual Commons chamber fills up with little golden men. But then, Kennedy blows it:
8. 'Dancing in the Moonlight'
Performer Toploader
Arrrgh! Why, Charles, why?
The other curious question about Charles' picks is that he asks for his luxury to be a CD player - but you get a solar-powered CD player as a given on the island (since they realised a wind-up gramophone wasn't going to work any more). So why has he blown his luxury on getting something he's already got? Is it that he's just incredibly cautious, that he hadn't mastered the brief, or was too shy to ask for the large crate of bottles that we all know he'd really much prefer?
It's only the News of the World which is claiming it, and we know how reliable they are, but apparently the charges against Pete Doherty are going to be forgotten. The NOTW quotes a source who says that Pete told a bloke down the pub who told a man who told his wife who said to him that Doherty's already been told informally the charges are being dropped - nobody seems to know why yet, but we suspect the Crown Prosecution Service had a feeling they were going to get caught up in a lot of silly bickering and walked away.
