ACTOROBIT

With the news that Gretchen Franklin, Eastender's Ethel, has died at the age of 94, it's fitting for us to mention her three worthy rock footnotes. First, of course, she was a cousin of Clive Dunn, who had a novelty number one (Grandad, which featured Rick Wakeman doing the bulk of the musical duties); secondly, she appeared - albeit uncredited - in the Beatles' Help movie. Thirdly - and this is how we'll always remember her - she made a guest appearance in one of Mark E Smith's most bemusing couplets, from Telephone Thing:

How dare you assume I want to parlez-vous with you/
Gretchen Franklin/
Nosey matron thing

To this day, we've never quite worked out what he meant.

music gretchen franklin eastenders obit obituary

SMALL BUNNY DOINGS

Ian and Will are going to be dragging the Echo And The Bunnymen show out on a microtour of the UK towards the arse-end of 2005:

Nottingham Rescue Rooms (October 22)
Sheffield Leadmill (24)
Manchester University (27)
Birmingham Carling Academy (30)
London Shepherds Bush Empire (November 1)

music ian mcculloch echo and the bunnymen

ANOTHER CHANCE TO ENJOY...

The Kaiser Chiefs are very, very keen you shouldn't confuse the re-release of I Predict A Riot with a desperate cash-in on a record which didn't really do that well on its first trot-out. Oh, no, apparently that first release wasn't a proper release at all:

"I Predict A Riot was given a limited release late last year, this single gives the track a full commercial release across Europe and pairs it with our newest track Sink That Ship, written on tour - and recorded in June this year with our good friend Steve Harris at the controls."

So, there - apparently, it isn't a re-release, the original release doesn't count. For some reason, mainly because it wasn't available in Belguim

While we're on the Kaiser Chiefs, something only really occurred to us while we were thinking about Live 8 this week: how on earth did they get chosen to open the American leg of the event? There's at least something eye-catching about kicking off with U2 and Paul McCartney, whatever we might think about Bono. But lifting the curtain with a largely unknown band from another country? No wonder not even MTV took it seriously...

music kaiser chiefs

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE LAST BUT TWO NEXT KYLIE?

We've been trying to place Imogen Bailey - apparently (according to the Australian press) the British were convinced at one point she was going to be the next Kylie.



Now, it seems, following her failed bid to even manage to be the new Alessi twins, she's being sued for non-payment of the solicitor's bills for contractual work on her music career (one number five dance hit in Australia and a second single which never got released).

If you're a professional working with musicians, the message from today's news is: get your payment upfront.

music imogen bailey

IT'S LIKE MCCARTNEY AND WONDER ALL OVER AGAIN

It's not really looking that good for EMI, then - they're finally getting the Spice Girls to put together that final album, only the five Spices aren't prepared to do it together. Indeed, not only will they not be in the same studio, they're actually not even recording in the same country as each other. Victoria is doing her business in Spain, Mel B in LA; Geri is screeching like a banshee with its fingers trapped in Arkwright's till in the South of France while Mel C and Emma are doing their work in London.

Has the band changed since their last record? A source:

"They plan a greatest hits album next year and a couple of new songs would help sales. It's early stages. The girls won't release anything if it doesn't sound right - but they are hoping for the best."

Apparently, yes, they have changed - they've discovered quality control.

music spice girls mel c mel b victoria beckham geri halliwell emma bunton

WE'RE NOT ABOUT TO START A BOOK CLUB, BUT...

At last hip hop gets its own answer to I'm With The Band - although, disappointingly, Karrine Steffans' Confessions of a Video Vixen have been thoroughly legalled, which make them less fun. But there's still much fun to be had:

Though she never actually saw him take drugs during their six-month relationship in 2002-2003, Bobby Brown behaved like a man under the influence. She describes a conversation in which he kept nodding off while sitting on the toilet, and another in which he claimed he was a member of al- Qaida.

It's worth pointing out that Brown is the only one of the 16 blokes she writes about who's so far reacted, calling her a liar. Though he doesn't say what bits she's lying about.

The highlight, though, is the discovery that Usher is less of a panther in bed - more like George Costanza:

She and Usher Raymond used to share Subway sandwiches in bed in between lovemaking sessions in 2000.

Get your own copy:

music hip-hop Karrine Steffans

THAT'S GOOD - HE LOVES COURT

You have to wonder about a financial services company which is so sharp it not only agreed to help Michael Jackson refinance his debt last November, but then acted surprised when he didn't pay the bill. Surely the clue, Prescient Acquistion Group (was ever a company less-well named?) was when he asked you to help him with a fifth of a billion dollars debt.

Anyway, Jackson, who also apparently bought Sony out of the half of the Beatles catalogue they owned at the same time (meaning he'll be making cash out of every Live 8 DVD sold, if you think about it) hasn't paid for their advice, and now Prescient are taking Jackson to court:

Prescient said it was entitled to an immediate payment of $24.8 million, which is 9 percent of the financing used to pay off the Bank of America debt and a $3.3 million advance to Jackson and his company.

Prescient accused Jackson of breach of contract, saying that it had done what was expected in a written agreement and that Jackson and his company were not entitled to "retain the benefits of those services in equity and good conscience without paying to Prescient an amount to be determined at trial."

Ocean Finance are considering running adverts with a "need money to consolidate your debts, and maybe with enough over for a new nose" message.

music michael jackson the beatles

ROCK SICK LIST: Marianne Faithfull

Get well soon, Marianne Faithfull; she's had a "slight" heart attack and as result has had to pull out of the movie version of the Picture of Dorian Gray. She's expected to make a full recovery.

music marianne faithfull

QUITE A RADICAL REINTERPRETATION OF THE TEXT

It sounds as if the Scotsman has got a little giddy on the BPI's celebrations of the ten millionth download: Download generation turn backs on music piracy is how it headlines the story. If, um, that's what you want to believe, guys. The paper doesn't explain who it is the BPI are suing if that's the case.

music bpi download

DO YOU LIKE RAMPLING? I DON'T KNOW, I'VE NEVER RAMPLED

Leaving Westwood looking ever more isolated, Danny Rampling is going to quit djing on New Year's Eve. He's issued a statement:

It’s been said that as a pioneering DJ I made a significant contribution to the history of club culture over these last two decades. I have most certainly filled my own personal suitcase of dreams and ambitions during the course of the last 18 years.

Looking back from where I am today as a man, a husband and a father - I am humbled to have played a part in a time that will go down in humanity as a musical revolution. A time when music took a powerful seat at the table of world’s change and made it’s impact globally to millions of happy people. Dare I say love-happy faces of all creeds and races?

The passion and the energy I helped project in developing the UK and American House music scene in its infancy was contagious, it spread like a bush-fire until it engulfed the world and regardless of what the cynics may have said it was a rebellious force that made a positive statement for change in British youth culture. Especially the second summer of love - the halcyon years of 1988 and 1989. “Shoom Shoom” they roared in every room.

Those 18 years on the DJ stage have been such a brilliant experience. Sharing music and love with people all around the world in the darkest corners to the most fabulous settings always spreading the true vibe of House music with its message of peace and harmony.

You might notice that Rampling isn't really expecting the world to go "Oh, really? That's nice for him" and surf on to the next announcement - this is, you know, significant. He developed everything and invented energy, you know.

You're probably interested in what Danny is going to do next. Oh, go on, pretend you are... yes, he's going to open restaurtants:

Over the years of playing around the world, I have been slowly developing a taste for fine wines and modern eclectic cuisine. Many of my friends are chefs or wine importers and the passion and enthusiasm I have for this has made me take the decision to bow out at the top and open a restaurant in central London next year. My son Claudio and my wife Patricia will also benefit from me being at home in the city full time rather than jetting off around the world returning jet-lagged for days only to go off and do it again a few days later.

The new vision is very challenging but its also exciting getting closer to the realisation of another dream of being a restaurateur. I am certain now is the right time to turn and face the change head on and enjoy. The emphasis will be on having fun at a restaurant (rather than a stuffy silent environment) and enjoying stylish food of the highest standard. It will be a large chilled space with 80+ covers and I am fortunate that my business partner has 17 years experience in Michelin Star restaurants. The cuisine will be modern European with Southern Mediterranean influences. More information of this venture will be announced.

Oh god, a huge restuarant with overpriced food and a "fun" atmosphere. He's lucky he's got a Michelin star associate on board, because apart from that detail he makes it sound like a Brewsters or a Hungry Horse.

But he wants to bow out on a high, so, of course, his announcement has to end with a self-puffing overstatement:

The culmination of 18 years DJ'ing will also see a landmark compilation release on Defected. I am currently putting together a 3 CD set, which will be released at the end of the summer. Two of the CDs will reflect the greatest timeless tracks I’ve played over the years, which will reflect the magic of the days of Shoom, Pure Sexy and the Love Groove Dance Party. The final CD will be eclectic Balearic. This collector’s edition will be a piece of history.

Not just a mix CD, then. Oh, no, it's a landmark and a piece of history, like Lincoln's hat.

music danny rampling

TROUBLE GATHERING

Curious goings-on (or rather not) with Tribal Gathering: last Wednesday, all the VIP passes were stolen from the organisers at King Cross; today, the event was pulled.

The wording of the official statement seems to imply that it was the London Bombings which had led to the cancellation:

"FOLLOWING RECENT EVENTS IN LONDON, HUGE SECURITY MEASURES WERE GOING TO HAVE TO BE PUT INTO ACTION, WHICH WOULD HAVE PUT AN EVEN GREATER FINANCIAL BURDEN ON THE EVENT. IT IS WITH THIS IN MIND THAT PLAYING ALIVE ARE FORCED TO CANCEL THE EVENT.

"IF YOU PURCHASED TICKETS FROM TICKETLINE YOU CAN EXCHANGE ONE TICKET FOR TWO TICKETS AT THE FORTHCOMING TRIBAL GATHERING WAREHOUSE PARTY, OTHERWISE YOU WILL BE ENTITLED TO A FULL REFUND OF PURCHASE."

- although as it doesn't actually state clearly what they mean by "recent events", they could just mean the theft of their passes. Surely the organisers wouldn't be attempting to hide behind the London Bombings as a not-quite-excuse, would they? And if they really do mean the London bombs - how much extra security would that have meant, exactly?

music festivals tribal gathering

RADIOBIT

The death has been announced of Chris Tetley, long serving Picadilly Radio metal dj. He was with the Manchester station between 1977 and 1993, where he shared a love of music coupled with the inside track that could only come from his time as a producer and road manager with acts including Black Sabbath and Joe Cocker.

Tetley developed a lucrative sideline as interrogator for a seemingly endless number of interview picture disc albums, notching up time with everyone from Ronnie James Dio to Roger Waters.

music obit obituary chris tetley radio

NOT FIGHTING FIT YET

Charlie From Busted better hurry up with his Fightstar album if he doesn't want the only people interested in it to have already hit puberty by the time it comes out. The album has been put back to the start of 2006, because Charlie doesn't want to inflict a substandard album on the fans. We're not certain leaving it six months will make the music any better, but at least giving it a while will reduce the number of fans interested, and thus fewer people disappointed.

music fightstar

NOW HE MUST TURN HIS ATTENTION TO THE MIDDLE EAST

Bob Geldof might have fallen short in making poverty history, but even if he'd managed it, he wouldn't have got this year's Nobel Prize: George Michael is surely going to scoop that, as he's brokered peace between Mel B and Geri Halliwell.

Actually, we've just thought through the implications of what that might mean, and we're scared now.

music spice girls george michael mel b geri halliwell

SURELY IF YOU WERE GOING TO GET A GHOST WRITER, YOU'D GET A DECENT ONE?

We find it hard to believe that it takes two people to produce one of Madonna's godawful children's books - intended to take a trite story and staple a pisspoor Kabbalah message to them, but according to Page Six, we can't really blame her for how bad they are: the paper reckons they're written by Eitan Yardeni, who churns out stuff for the Kabbalah centre. It seems unlikely that someone who has a day job that involves writing could turn out such stilted prose, but it would explain why Madonna sounds like she's unfamiliar with her own books when she does one of those sightly-unsettling readings to try and boost her sales.

On the side, while we were doing what we laughingly refer to as "research" for this piece, we came across this story from November 2000:

What was slated to be an evening of charity, dinner and support turned out to be a magical musical evening on Sunday, Oct. 29, at London's Harrington Club when Mick Jagger and his current and former Rolling Stones buddies, Ronnie Wood and Bill Wyman respectively, were joined onstage by Eurythmics band member Dave Stewart and award-winning pianist/composer Michael Kamen for a once-in-a-lifetime jam session in honor of the Kabbalah Centre. It was Jagger on vocals, Ronnie Wood on percussion, Bill Wyman on bass, Dave Stewart on guitar and Michael Kamen on keyboards. The scene was truly Rock and Roll Hall of Fame material with the reunion of Jagger, Wood and Wyman playing together.

The music began right after dinner when Jagger's brother and band started to raise the tempo with the sound of dueling guitars, a violin, percussion and vocals. Jagger and Hall took to the dance floor and their guests followed suit.

Curiouser and more curious.

music kabbalah rolling stones madonna

IF YOU WANT TO DO THE CRUEL PUNCHLINE, YOU DO IT

This item on Popdirt clearly has been worded to elicit a punchline:

Macmillan Dog Day
Former Hear'Say member Kym Marsh and Nicole Appleton attended Macmillan Dog Day on Tuesday (July 5) at Royal Hospital Chelsea in London, Great Britain

music kym marsh nicole appleton

SURELY THAT'S JUST CRUEL?

We like a joke as much as the next person, but surely inviting Whitney Houston to judge American Idol is a little bit unfair - the poor woman can barely judge distances these days, much less another person's talents. Still, it might give the guy paid to paint out the coke bottles for ITV another job to do, trying to make Whitney look like she's actually in the studio...

music tv american idol whitney houston

COMING SOON: THE PUSH-UP MATERNITY BRA

Actually, she does have a point, but we're not sure that the best response to the poor quality of maternity wear is to have Britney Spears designing her take on mum-to-be togs. Although we can sort of see the logic: "If you're going to have waters breaking all over, why would you want to be wearing underwear anyway?"

music britney spears

TEN MILLION DRM-HOBBLED SALES

The BPI squeezed a couple of bottles of Babycham out of the budget for suing single mothers and preteens in order to celebrate the ten millionth download from UK-based music servers - legal, obviously since the first one. Just imagine how they could have done if the prices were realistic.

It all adds up to a 52% increase in sales of singles across various formats - surprisingly, the seven inch vinyl single had something of a surge, too - in 2004, 154 thousand were sold; last year, that shot up to 288,000. Probably because they're not hobbled with Digital Rights Management.

The BPI is excited by the news of all those profit-heavy downloads:

BPI Chairman Peter Jamieson said: “The record industry has enthusiastically embraced the new legal download services since their emergence in the mainstream little more than a year ago and now we’re beginning to reap the rewards."

We love this idea they're trying to promote of themselves as being at the screeching, fire-spuming edge of technology - it would be more honest for Jamieson to say "having spent nearly a decade trying to scupper digital distribution, we're feeling a bit foolish that if we'd pulled our fingers out in 1998 we could have actually avoided that whole downturn in music sales altogether." But he wouldn't.

The BPI is also gurgling at how British bands are once again doing moderately well in America:

Top 40 UK Artist Albums in USA 2004, Sales



1, Stardust - Great American Songbook Vol. 3, Rod Stewart, (J), 1,207,703
2, Great American Songbook Vol. 2, Rod Stewart, (J), 814,173
3, Franz Ferdinand, Franz Ferdinand, (Epic), 778,229
4, 1, The Beatles, (Capitol), 708,982
5, Life For Rent, Dido, (Arista), 696,293
6, A Rush Of Blood To The Head, Coldplay, (Capitol), 669,730
7, Start Something, Lostprophets, (Columbia), 629,180
8, Me & Mr Johnson, Eric Clapton, (Warner Bros), 593,024
9, Great American Songbook Vol. 1, Rod Stewart, (J), 575,436
10, Permission To Land, The Darkness, (Atlantic), 559,958
11, Dark Side Of The Moon, Pink Floyd, (Capitol), 551.362
12, The Soul Sessions, Joss Stone, (S Curve), 545,222
13, *Back In Black, AC-DC, (Epic), 455,085
14, Early Days & Latter Days, Led Zeppelin, (Atlantic), 432,951
15, Greatest Hits, Queen, (Hollywood), 399,572
16, Greatest Hits, Elton John 1970-2002, (Island), 388,474
17, Hopes & Fears, Keane, (Interscope), 387,014
18, Mind, Body & Soul, Joss Stone, (S Curve), 373,065
19, The Voice, The Very Best Of, Rod Stewart, (Warner Bros), 369,498
20, Patience, George Michael, (Epic), 356,484
21, Seal IV, Seal, (Warner Bros), 344,085
22, Jump Back, The Best Of The, Rolling Stones, (Virgin), 304,411
23, The Cure, The Cure, (Geffen), 298,442
24, Sacred Love, Sting, (A&M), 297,082
25, Number Ones, The Bee Gees, (Polydor), 288,202
26, Final Straw, Snow Patrol, (A&M), 277,784
27, Absolution, Muse, (Warner Bros), 269,918
28, Best Of, David Bowie, (Virgin), 267,262
29, Forty Licks, The Rolling Stones, (Virgin), 259,938
30, Parachutes, Coldplay, (Capitol), 257,495
31, * Live, AC-DC, (Epic), 253,357
32, Vault - Greatest Hits, Def Leppard, (Island), 248,371
33, Peachtree Road, Elton John, (Universal), 241,049
34, Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club..., The Beatles, (Capitol), 227,104
35, Lennon Legend, John Lennon, (Capitol), 219,462
36, Hits, Phil Collins, (Atlantic), 217,911
37, Best Of, Sade, (Epic), 216,147
38, Mamma Mia, Original London Cast, (Decca), 210,808
39, Best Of, Van Morrison, (Universal), 209,308
40, Greatest, Duran Duran, (Capitol), 205,397

We're not entirely sure this is quite the putting one over of the US for both the Boston Tea Party and sending us Debbie Gibson: a market that size, and only one album manages to squeak over the million mark. Added to which, there's very little there that isn't compilationy or cataloguey. It's hardly the Beatles invading, is it?

Finally, the best sellers for the second pack of three months from the year (quarter 2, in other words):

Top Ten Albums, Quarter 2 (April-June) 2005

1, X & Y, Coldplay, (Parlophone)
2, Don't Believe The Truth, Oasis, (Big Brother)
3, Back To Bedlam, James Blunt, (Atlantic)
4, Forever Faithless - The Greatest Hits, Faithless, (BMG)
5, The Singles, Basement Jaxx, (XL Recordings)
6, Trouble, Akon, (Universal Island)
7, Demon Days, Gorillaz, (Parlophone)
8, Now That's What I Call Music 60, Various Artists, (EMI Virgin/UMTV)
9, In Your Honour, Foo Fighters, (BMG)
10, Employment, Kaiser Chiefs, (B Unique/Polydor)

Top Ten Singles, Quarter 2 (April-June) 2005

1, Axel F, Crazy Frog, (Gut)
2, (Is This The Way To) Amarillo, Tony Christie ft Peter Kay, (UMTV)
3, Lonely, Akon, (Universal Island)
4, Feel Good Inc, Gorillaz, (Parlophone)
5, Signs, Snoop Dogg/Wilson/Timberlake, (Polydor)
6, Switch, Will Smith, (Polydor)
7, Don't Phunk With My Heart, Black Eyed Peas, (Polydor)
8, I Like The Way, Bodyrockers, (Mercury)
9, Ghetto Gospel, 2pac ft Elton John, (Polydor)
10, Lyla, Oasis, (Big Brother)

Top Ten DVDs, Quarter 2 (April-June) 2005

1, Elvis By The Presleys, Elvis Presley, (BMG)
2, Family Jewels, AC/DC, (Sony Music Video)
3, Live At Wembley Stadium, Queen, (Parlophone)
4, Born To Boogie, Marc Bolan & T-Rex, (Sanctuary)
5, Live In Concert, Thin Lizzy, (ILC Video)
6, Who Put The M In Manchester, Morrissey, (Sanctuary)
7, Greatest Video Hits - 1, Queen, (Parlophone)
8, Legends In Concert, Dean Martin, (GMVS)
9, On Fire - Live At The Bowl, Queen, (EMI/Parlophone)
10, Love Metal Archives - Vol 1, Him, (BMG)

... and there's not much there which suggests that America is about to be hit by a scene they've never seen, is there?

music bpi downloads

NO DESSERTS FOR BREAKFAST BATTLE

We bet he's slightly upset that the press stunt won't get him carried any further along ("relieved to off the hook") as police announce there will be no charges brought against Corey Clark following a breakfast food fight. Or domestic argument, depending on who you believe. The police seem convinced there was something sinister going on:

According to police, Clark and CDC Records company executive Laura Kathleen Troy, 34, argued as they were eating a room-service breakfast at Sacramento’s Sheraton Grand Hotel.

Clark threw food and dishes and grabbed Troy, causing red marks on her arms, police alleged. Police said Troy was uncooperative and did not want to press charges.

Clark's people, on the other hand, are stressing that it was all a bit of fun which careered out of hand, as these things so often can:

“Coming on the heels of a huge misunderstanding, Corey is obviously thrilled,” said Clark’s representative, Jed Wallace. “I think the major lesson here is, when you’re on the road and want to blow off steam, go for a jog.”

music corey clark

PEACHES CANS DOHERTY

Not that anybody believed him for a moment, it being the second explanation of why he was so shit at Live8, but Peaches Geldof (the UK's answer to Paris Hilton - Bermondsey Travelodge?) has denied that she even touched Doherty, much less asked him back to hers for a bunk-up:

"I was standing with my dad and my boyfriend of two years at the time. It is ridiculous to say I would make a pass at Pete in
front of them. And how could I whisper over the noise of the band?"

In an even more devastating blow, she also trashes the claims that she wanted Doherty to be there in the first place, claiming it was Pixie, her younger sister, who persuaded Bob to allow Pete to come along. There's an unspoken but clear implication that Doherty is more of a children's entertainer than a teen hero.

music peaches geldof pete doherty live8 live 8

ARE YOU GOING USE SCATTER CUSHIONS MY WAY?

Since he dresses like he turned up late as the charity shop was closing and grabbed a sackfull just dropped off by Shaggy from Scooby Doo, we find it surprising and a little frightening that any self-respecting hotel would employ Lenny Kravitz as an interior designer, but apparently they are. Oh, yes, Kravitz is now seeing himself as a design guru:

And what is Kravitz's signature style?

"I love things that are rooted in classic styles," he told the AP in a recent interview. "You'll see quite a blend of furniture. You might see an art nouveau chair next to a chair from the '60s."

Goodness! What radicalism. He truly has no respect for Lisa Bonet... um, sorry, we mean rules.

"There's a lot of styles to it, because like in music, I'm well versed in style, so it could be completely modern, it could be classic in different styles," he said. "It has to be comfortable, it has to have sensuality to it."

He sounds a little bit like Linda Barker in that DFS advert, doesn't he? The frustrating thing, of course, is that there's only one Kravitz - although, to be fair, Jet are pretty similar - so he won't have time to come and do our houses. But there's good news...

The rocker expects to launch a line of Kravitz decor in the future. "We have a couple of items that I think are classic and will have an identity," he said. "They have a personality and they'll be unique."

We're not yet clear how something that hasn't been launched yet can already be a classic design, and how something which is going to be mass-produced is unique, but that's probably just the craziness of Kravitz, innit?

music lenny kravitz interior design

PATTI SMITH: THAT'LL UPSET JOHN GIBSON

We're not sure it's punk, but Patti Smith has been presented with the insignia of Commander of the Order of the Arts and Letters by the French government. We imagine they were especially taken by her references to Rimbaud.

Smith is thrilled to be honoured by France:

"I have vowed to live up to this honor in my work and my conduct," she said. "I can't explain what I feel like. It has uplifted me, and I will work very hard to earn it."

We're not sure - since, supposedly, the award is presented for achievement rather than as an encouragement - how she's going to set out to earn it, although taking it back to the US and standing outside the Fox News Channel window might be a start. The channel has recently sunk to a new low in racist baiting of the French - on their radio network, John Gibson called for terrorists to attack Paris as - in his strange worldview - nobody would care:

By the way, just wanted to tell you people, we missed -- the International Olympic Committee missed a golden opportunity today. If they had picked France, if they had picked France instead of London to hold the Olympics, it would have been the one time we could look forward to where we didn't worry about terrorism. They'd blow up Paris, and who cares?

music patti smith fox news john gibson

MORE T, QUICKER

Saturday's review
Sunday:
Causing some consternation for the BBC Three team this evening is the ban on showing any footage of Green Day: the band are about to release a DVD of their Milton Keynes gig, and are afraid that a couple of songs on the digital wing of the BBC will harm sales. Really, Billie-Jo? How identical are all your gigs and tracks, then, if showing a small sample of a festival date in Scotland will kill your fans' ardour for a full hit of your stuff? After all, the only real use for a Green Day DVD is freeze-framing on a bit when you can see Billie but not his awful tattoos.

If Bill needs any proof of how body modifications, like Rovers, don't age gracefully, he only had to hop over to see The Prodigy's set (a set which concentrated, as far as we could see, on the older album which people bought): Keith Flint now looks like a character in one of those comedy sketches where they dress up little old men as punks. He never looked quite as scary as he seemed to think, but now he looks cute.

Talking of older gentlemen, Ian Brown was having a bit of a stinker, coming across flat as Tory Party Leadership conference. We're not sure if he blamed the monitors, but he's just thrown a little hissy, kicking all of them off the stage. He approached the speaker stacks, but a bigger security guard interposed himself between Brown and the equipment, and Brown seemed to take his advice to (we're no lipreaders, but...) "fucking leave it alone now".

Earlier in the day, the Kaiser Chiefs completed the BBC Trielia of Glastonbury, Live8 and T. Did Ricky have a nosestud at the start of this excitement? Continuing to give the air of a slightly less exciting festival than its Somerset cousin, rather than give the audience a giant inflatable gift, this time Ricky went into the crowd and relieved them of a blow-up lobster. The BBC chose to cut off Oh My God just as it was reaching its crescendo, too.

Travis, to be fair to them, do their thing rather well. If you like Travis, you'd go away happy enough - Tennants will also be happy, with copious drinking of the sponsor's product.

KT Tunstall has come on stage wearing a not-actual-kilt with her initials on it; she looks like she should be on a packet of Porridge Oats (albeit one intended for sale south of the border where we believe that's what Scottish people dress like every day). And, watching her set - which she makes look like such bloody hard work - the porridgeness of her music becomes quite apparent too: there seems to be a lot of preparation, and a lot of slogging to get to the end; it feels as if it must be doing you some good; but although there's something comforting and familiar about it, it's all rather flavourless.

In an interview segment, Ian McCulloch babbles on about advertising for no apparent reason and scares Edith, who blurts out "It could be you!" To be fair, Ian does seem as if he could do with a bit of a hint about who that might actually be.

Snoop Dogg is wearing a jewel-encrusted gun around his neck, the big twat. Last week he was on stage calling on Bush to stop pointless death; this week it's back to business as usual, glorifying the same.

We think this might be the first time we've ever seen Razorlight on TV for more than two minutes and not seen Johnny Borrell/Rod Liddle's nipples; it's slightly disappointing. But not as disappointing as Black Strobe. We know it's difficult to make djing seem interesting on TV, as usually it's just a bloke wobbling some 12 inch singles about on a turntable, but Strobe didn't even offer that - they appeared to be playing New Order's Blue Monday with little more embellishment than an occassional adjustment of the levels by a bloke in a vest.

More televisual was Interpol's set, a massive triumph compared with their Glasto appearance: they were in a tent, in the dark, in moody lighting and came on like mysterious storm forces intent on having their way with you and your mother; in daylight a fortnight ago they'd seemed more like traffic wardens waiting to see if you'd return in time to avoid a penalty notice.

So, a fair night, really, and there's actually a lot to be pleased about in all - had ITV got the rights to show this, it'd have been cut into little thirty minute segments and shown at midnight thirty on ITV2 in the middle of the week; the sound was much better than any of the other live shows so far this year - pace Ian Brown; and best of all, it's not got Colin Murray on it.

music t in the park interpol keith flint prodigy ian brown kaiser chiefs razorlight

WHAT THE POP PAPERS SAY: Two from the top and the rest from anywhere else, Carol

What with Glastonbury and the Live 8 gigs, we've been having to let Pop Papers rest for a couple of weeks - the two issues of the NME we skipped over were, as you might expect, a Glastonbury Preview and a Glastonbury review. We notice this year, for the first time, that Q have produced a special edition - a rather tatty special edition, that looks like it might have been knocked up at Glastonbury, using recycled bags, to review the events of the weekend. It's a curious affair, almost as if it's designed to appeal to the sort of people who'd never buy Q under any circumstances - and yet, if EMAP believe that the festival's natural supporter is unlikely to want to buy Q's Joss Stone and Jamie Cullum friendly journal, why do they pump cash into sponsoring the event in the first place?

Private Eye has a "Live 8" special, which consists mainly of a few piss-taking photo captions, and a report of incredible piece of tact from Warners: Michael Stipe might want to talk with his label bosses, focusing on their reissue of REM back catalogue to tie in with the band's Live 8 appearance. Not that was too bad in itself, compared with some of the other label's behaviour, but the reissues carried the strapline "Make Poverty History - REM Albums Mid-price"..

The Economist this weeks carries a letter chiding them for being unfair to a musician: the writer is unhappy that last week the paper suggested that Kinky Friedman's campaign for Texan governor was a less-than-serious endeavour.

So, to the NME, which seems to have had another makeover - it's now being printed on some odd shiny paper, which we guess is meant to feel more luxurious than the old paper, but actually brings to mind that Izal toilet roll you used to get in schools - better at redistributing shit than being absorbing. And if you think we're going to follow that set-up to the obvious punchline, you know us better than we think.

This week's paper is your Live 8 souvenir - "The Greatest Gig of All Time", it's being called here, with a photo of Bono hugging Johnny Borrell and Brandon Flowers on the cover. We suspect the picture - judging by Flowers' expression - was snapped some time after he found out the Killers were only getting to contribute one song to the event.

Chris Carloff of Kasabian is asked what he thinks about it all: "You can stil back and be selfish about it but it's a good event. This time it's around the world." (Erm... unlike Live Aid? Did the "Live Aid from London/around the world" jingle lie to us?) "One of the biggest things is the imbalance of wealth, and people sit ehere with all this money." (That he was in the celebs zone, rather than with the plebs, might make this a joke, but we think he was being serious.) "When you've got all that, you've got responsibilities - but you're never going to spend all that money." (No, we're not sure what he means, either).

There's an interview with Bono backstage, where he's asked what difference we can make - Bono claims that "it's what it's already done... the last push is in the next few days, but it's already acomplished so much." There's absolutely no hint from Bono that he's going to be quite happy to accept a few tiny promises, and that this last push was just going to get us as far as some sort of vaguely defined end of a beginning.

Peter Robinson and Charlotte Church bring out the best in each other; Chazza drops off her grandmother's genre of job music - Jump-off bridge, that is; like Badly Frawn Boy; while Peter gives her the chance of getting off with any dead pop star. She chooses Jeff Buckley, for artistic reasons. Then he points out what she's proposing would be necrophilia.

There's a generous tribute to Richard Whiteley written by Pete Cashmore, made all the more remarkable because the NME man was the 35th Countdown champion - he could have been champion of champions, but he fell at the conundrum COMEDYCAR*.

Fear of Music are, apparently, the Mini-Muse; apparently they're managed by "Uncle Graham", which sounds like the sort of thing movies would be made about in the early 1970s to us.

reviews
live
be your own pet - across the UK - It's not actually a review as it's a diary written by the band, but that's okay, although "Jemima buys two pairs of shoes" isn't really going to have people curious to hear their stuff. They should be, though. And we bet they were fucking ace shoes.
weezer - brixton academy - "charge twenty quid for the privilege of watching a band shamble through a set as if it were a practice session"

albums
hard-fi - stars of cctv - "tirelessly inventive, genre-splicing genius", 9
the subways - young for eternity - "stuck between rock and a slightly harder place", 6

tracks
totw - babyshambles - fuck forever - "a pathetic, essential mess"
hot hot heat - middle of nowhere - "cute like a baby's boots"
editors - blood - "low slung Joy Div bass and hollow cowbell clonk"

And finally: you can win the Kaisersaurus. From Glastonbury and off the telly. All for your very own. The question is slightly easier than a Countdown conundrum.

* - Democracy. But you knew that.

music nme q live 8 live8 charlotte church hard-fi editors richard whiteley rem

WHAT THE PROGRAMMES ABOUT THE POP PAPERS SAY

Curiously, in the Guardian listings for the BBC FOUR programme about the history of the NME, it called it "Arts Reports" and suggested it was a celebration for the 3,000th edition of the world's biggest-selling rock weekly; on the screen, though, it seemed to be called Inky Fingers: The NME Story and didn't have anything to say about 3,000 issues or otherwise.

In form, this was more of a modern NME-type story, picking out all the good bits and working quickly though them, instead of the Uncut-style feature that was clearly begging to be let out. It's frustrating that when this programme first aired, last Monday as part of an unofficial Julie Burchill night, BBC FOUR gave precisely the same length of time to 50 years of the NME as it gave to the seven issues or whatever it was of the Modern Review; five decades of tales could have provided much more than a single sixty minute documentary, and what made it to the screen was clear enough that there was a lot of material which got sweated out to fit the tight slot - Danny Baker, for example, has many tales to tell but here had only a thirty second cameo.

The rush meant some moments in the paper's history got rushed over way too quickly, and frankly, if you only have an hour, I'd rather have heard much more about the HipHop wars than Nick Kent's drug use again; it's incredible that the programme managed to cover this era without using the phrase "hip-hop Hitlers and go-go Goebells"; there was a lot about the Morrissey/Flag affair controversy but not a word on the Fooled In The USA Springsteen business.

They did find time to visit the Sing Me To Sleep issue - Lucy O'Brien's teen suicide investigation cover story which, it seems, only Andrew Collins and I actually seemed to like. Or bought, come to that.

Oddly, missing totally was the Penis Landscape issue - which, if memory serves, was the actual week that led to mass sackings and the sudden elevation of a half-page interview with Motorcycle Boy into a front-page story; the documentary suggested that it was the placing of Neil Kinnock on the cover for the 1987 General Election that lead to the gods of IPC descending from Kings Reach Tower's highest eeries. Nowhere was there any mention of Stuart Cosgrove's plans to provide all readers with their own copy of the poster which triggered the Dead Kennedys obscenity trial at all; such an obvious and huge ommission you wonder if that there was some deal cut to keep it out of the official history?

And it would have been nice to get some Quantick-Maconie-Collins live show style anecdotage (in fact, any Qunatick at all, come to that); but the biggest thing that was missing from the show was the thing that turned the paper from its also-run status at the fag end of the 60s to the only show in town in 2005 - there was very, very little of the writing. It's hard to imagine that a programme about an author wouldn't use lots of lavish examples of the work to illustrate just why they deserved the honour of a slice of screen time and the sweat of a dozen of the media world's most lavishly-rewarded researchers. It would have been nice to celebrate the NME as much for its genuinely great writing as for the number of drugs its writers consumed producing them.

A fine beginner's guide, then, but really it was the sort of thing you'd expect on BBC TWO. It would have been nice if BBC FOUR had taken the chance to produce something for the advanced class.

music stuart cosgrove nme tv dead kennedys

BOTH SISTERS MAKING A COMEBACK IN THEIR FORMER CAREERS

As Mariah Carey floats back to the top of the music industry (we know the names of everyone who bought the album, we'll be coming round to ask why soon), her sister, Alison Carey, has been back at her old job, too. A sting operation by undercover police caught Carey offering to "engage in sexual conduct" for USD250; she was fined USD200 for disorderly conduct in June - the fact she was picked up on June 13th would probably be a handy indication of what happens if you inflict huge fines on people for prostitution "offences" - asking poor people to raise large sums of cash in a hurry isn't exactly the best way to keep them off the streets.



Unlike her sister, Alison hasn't been able to balance her miserable life with a large pile of cash; she's HIV+ and has lost custody of both her kids and is now looking at a three month jail stretch. Mariah hasn't been in touch for a long while.

music mariah carey alison carey prosititution

THIS WEEK, WE PLUGGED...

Finisterre - DVD version of Saint Etienne's love song to London (the mild irony of that being one of our featured releases during this week wasn't lost...)

Hard-Fi's debut collection

AIR FRANCE STOPS RAVI SHANKAR SHOWS?

Although it's not been confirmed that it's the fault of Air France's handling of them, Ravi Shankar has had two of his sitars smashed while en route from Beirut to Marseille. Shankar's convinced it's down to Air France, while the airline has released an icy empty PR statement:

When faced with this sort of incident, the company is disposed to fulfil its responsibilities.

Shankar was due to play Arles today; it's unclear if he'll be able to with his instruments in pieces. Rumours that Air France have offered to lend him a banjo and a kazoo haven't been confirmed.

music ravi shankar air france

YOU WOKE UP THIS MORNING; WORLD TURNED UPSIDE DOWN

Amongst those caught up in the horrors of London on Thursday: Orlando from Alabama 3; the band were at Kings Cross en route to the Czech Republic.

The band's Larry Love reported:

The band reiterate to their agent that it is dangerous to get them up before midday. Their thoughts are with all their fellow sufferers in their home town.

Orlando was gently injured with cuts and bruises.

music alabama 3 londond bombings