THAT GOES IN THERE, AND THAT GOES IN THERE...

Poor Chris Martin: he finds iPods confusing. He also seems to have a bit of a problem with the mechanics of sex, too:

"The more I think about things the more I don't understand them.

"It's like an iPOD - you understand that if you scroll the dial, you pick a song, but no one has the faintest clue what's going on inside.

"When I did biology, you'd understand intercourse and think, 'That goes in there, that goes in there, I understand that now.'

"And then, when you have a baby you're like, 'This is slightly more complicated that I imagined.'

Right... he has trouble with the conversion of data stored as a series of digital impulses being converted into a electronic signals which lead to tiny vibration in the earphones which our brain perceives as sound, and sperm turning into babies, and yet he thinks he's right person to try and sort international debt crises. I see.

music chris martin coldplay

RADIO WEIRDO. RADIO JACKO. MY MOM, MY COURT, MY RADIO VERDICT.

In what's being hailed as being as much a victory for looky-loos as for freedom of speech and justice and so on, Judge Melville has agreed there can be audio feed from his court as the jury deliver the "guilty or just icky" verdict in the Jackson trial. It's expected the first dance remixes of the verdict will be available within ten minutes.

music michael jackson trial

KINESIS RUN OUT OF ENERGY

It's one of the cast-iron rules of pop: if you've split up, don't mention it until after you launch your new album. Kinesis, however, issued the splitting up statement before the distribution lorry had left the warehouse. It's not that the world wasn't interested, apparently; just they were ahead of their time:

"Perhaps we were ahead of our time,'' explains Kinesis guitarist Conor McGloin. "But we were young when we got signed and people took advantage of us. We tried and failed but, if we leave anything, judge us by that last album. We're happy that we never made a bad record. We haven't let the spirit of the band down at all.''

You can buy the farewell album from tomorrow.

music kinesis

WHY WE LOVE LOCAL NEWSPAPERS

You really can't fault the Manchester Evening News' angle on Jack White's wedding: White Stripes singer marries Oldham girl. Although they are a little testy that Karen Elson never invited them:

Flame-haired catwalk star Karen was back in Manchester last weekend for a glamorous city centre fashion shoot. However, she never mentioned her forthcoming wedding in an interview with the M.E.N.

That's unsual; normally when people are planning secret shamanic weddings they make a point of telling their local newspaper.

music karen elson jack white white stripes

TURNS OUT 'BIN LADEN' NO LONGER A GREAT BRAND

You've got to admire someone who bravely struggled on trying to establish herself as a singer despite using her less-than-helpfull family name. Now she's decided that being called Wafah Bin Ladin might be a bit of a handicap in some Top 40 markets. Wafah had been discovering that her uncle kind of cast a pall over her attempts to make the chance, and so now she's adopted her mother's maiden name for her career. Luckily her mother was called Dufour and not something like "Hitler" or "Thatcher".

On the other hand, she does seem to be happy to use her relationship with the wonky-kidneyed despot to try and launch her career - interesting that although she's dropping the name, she's quite happy to use the connection for publicity.

music wafah bin ladin wafah dofour

THEY WEREN'T ALREADY DIVORCED?

Presumably he simply forgot in the last changing of the blondes, but it turns out that Rod Stewart had never got round to divorcing Rachel Hunter. He's putting that right now he's got Penny Lancaster pregnant; filed for divorce from Hunter, and look how excited he is about that:



Of course, he maybe should have done the divorce before getting engaged to Penny...

music rod stewart

LITTLE MAN, WHAT NOW?

Of course, it is possible to accept that maybe Victoria Beckham and David went for dinner with Tom Cruise on Thursday and he didn't say at any point "I wonder, David, have you ever filled out one of these grids to find out about your personality?", but since Scientology thrives on rich people without the sharpest of minds, it's probably not entirely unlikely that Cruise would at least hope to interest his new chums in his favourite cult.

Of course, the chances that Victoria would be able to work her way through the dozens and dozens of questions the Scientologists ask is slim, but you can see how she'd be tempted to follow the cult which has done such great work for the careers Jenna Elfman and that woman off Cheers who now has little more to offer than being not that thin.

(We don't have the time or space to get into the details of culty old Scientology; but if you want to find out more the book Piece of Blue Sky can be good place to start)

music victoria beckham tom cruise scientology

THE WORLD OF KELLY OSBOURNE

We're rushing to keep up with Kelly Osbourne stories as they come spewing out of the special Kelly Osbourne newsmachine in the corner of the room. Kelly crashes her 1956 Chevvy into a hydrant; the car had been a gift from ozzy for sorting herself out when she went into rehab last year.

But then, of course, Ozzy did owe her one, as her rehab was all his fault: apparently addiction is "genetic", reckons Kelly. Pity talent isn't.

And Kelly had it bad - sucking codeine lollipops and "I couldn't eat, I was throwing up and peeing and s***ting - it was the most disgusting thing," Kelly was quoted as telling the Marie Claire magazine. Of course, a lot of this has been part of the publicity for her new album - the one being trailed by the pisspoor Visage ripoff single.

In another interview, she revealed that she had 500 pills stashed in her room.

Mind you, all this talking about drugs must have set her thinking about the old days. Us Weekly reckons she's back in rehab.

Nobody would wish ill-luck on her, but at least it'll stop her pushing the album and her wonderful recovery down everyone's throats.

Mind you: with another kid having another session in rehab, it does make you wonder why Asda think Sharon's the best person to offer tips to mothers on how to handle their family.

music kelly osbourne

WE'RE A LITTLE CONFUSED HOW THIS HAPPENED

Due to some sort of scheduling mix-up, crowds who turned up to protest about how innocent Michael Jackson is (we're picturing chants like 'He's ill-judged and immoral, but that's not a crime') got muddled up with an anti-war demo outside the Santa Barbara court on friday.



There were also some people there to protest about child abuse, too:

At one point, fans verbally attacked Sofia Hollum, and Sunshine Lopez, 29, both of Santa Maria, who held up a sign reading "No more child victims."

"Do you know anything at all about this case?" yelled a Jackson fan with a New York accent.

"Why does he have pictures of naked boys?" Hollum responded, as other fans claimed Jackson was innocent.

There's nothing as wonderful as the power of blind faith, but how can Jackson fans not even accept that their idol had stepped over the boundaries of what is acceptable for a grown man to do with a child, even on the basis of what his defense team admitted to; never mind what the prosecution alledge?

Oh, and it turns out the war protesters actually turned up because they knew the only way to get any sort of political issue mentioned on the television news, they needed to be where the cameras were.

music michael jackson trail

THE CHURCH: IT'S PAYBACK TIME

Now that she no longer needs ("is likely to get") their support, Charlotte Church is turning on those who built her up. Hold on to your collective hats: Pavarotti is fat and George Bush is a divvy:

'I did a massive classical thing in Hyde Park once with 75,000 people,' said Charlotte. 'I was with Pavarotti. He was horrible,really nasty.He wasa pig and I was supposed to do a duet with him.'Charlotte explained that Pavarotti was rude to her about the way she wanted to sing a song. 'I'd learned the soprano part, which was the higher girl's part rather than the mezzo,' she said. 'He was like, 'You have to sing the mezzo'. I said, 'I am a soprano. How am I supposed to sing the mezzo?', and he said: 'You don't sing with me then'. 'He sent me out of his dressing room. I was only 15 - devastated. Pavarotti is a big fat diva.'

'Clinton was lovely, in tune with everyone else, but George Bush just hasn't got a clue what he's doing. He asked me what state Wales was in. 'I said: 'It's its own country next to England, actually Mr Bush'. 'If he doesn't know the rest of the countries in Europe, he could at least know what's in his own country. I'm really worried about it. He's a right weirdo. Him and Pavarotti should get together.'

... although we're not quite clear what they'd do when they got together - and you might wonder if it's more Wales' problem than Bush's that he's not heard of it. Here's a tip for Cardiff: get yourself a couple of tankers and pretend you're making some botulism stew. You'll soon be the talk of the Oval Office.

In other Charlotte news, she's pissed off with the new Pope. Because of his unwavering stance on birth control? Because of his flirtation with the Hitler Youth? Because of his cruel eyes? Nope, it's because he doesn't approve of Harry Potter:

"I'm from a Catholic family. But I don't like this new Pope - he even wants to ban Harry Potter. He says it's because it's full of witchcraft and other bad stuff. If he bothered to sit down and read it, he'd understand the morals of it."

Chazza, he's a busy man and they're big books - obviously he's waiting for the Coles Notes to come out. But a man who can read the Bible and come out with the impression that god would rather people die horrific deaths from Aids in their millions than have them use a condom is going to struggle even with the simplest texts.

music charlotte church pavarotti george w bushwales

RECYCLE; REUSE; RELOAD

There's been a deal of upsetment about Apple's previous use it and toss attitude to iPods, and in a bid to stop people from choosing to goelsewhere (because we bet Sony really is totally commited to saving the planet), Apple have announced a faltering first step towards iPod recycling: take your clapped-out Pod back to a store, and get some cash off your next model.

Of course, making them much, much more durable would be better all round, don't you think?

music ipod apple recycling

COLDPLAY "BIGGER THAN DIDO"

It's hard to get excited about any news story that involves Coldplay smashing a record previously held by Dido, unless, maybe, it's most times falling off the top deck of a London bus in heavy traffic; but there might be something of note in Coldplay's X and Y setting a new benchmark for internet preorders. It could just mean that a surprising proportion of Coldplay fans are shut-ins, though. The previous record was for Dido's Life For Rent back when Dido was fleetingly fashionable amogst people who wear Italian handmade shoes.

Still, to be fair to Chris Martin, he has been taking being bested by a cartoon frog in the singles chart with incredible good grace, even including a snatch of Axel F in their appearance on last night's Friday Night With Jonathan Ross.

Meanwhile, the Guardian's Science supplement has explained the mystery of the X&Y cover:

The cover translates the album title into a binary code where each block of colour represents a 1 and a gap 0.

As self-confessed nerd and lead singer Chris Martin would be able to explain, it is not only the cover that uses mathematics to communicate its message. Each time someone downloads the album onto their computer, each note of each song becomes a string of 0s and 1s.

In 1870, Emile Baudot devised a system for telegraphists to represent each letter of the alphabet by a string of five 0s or 1s. The letter X was represented by 10111 and Y by 10101. The first column of colours on the cover shows a black and grey block representing a 1, followed by a gap representing a zero, then three more blocks of colour giving three 1s. The first letter in Coldplay's title is the letter X. The last column gives us 10101 or the letter Y.

So what about the middle two columns? Five 0s and 1s can represent 2x2x2x2x2=32 different characters. This is rather limiting if numbers and punctuation are to be included in the code. Baudot decided to use one of the strings of 0s and 1s to denote a shift key. The symbol following the shift key could then come from an alternative set of characters, just as the shift key on a keyboard offers access to new symbols.

The second column of colours represents Baudot's shift key, 11011. The third column of colours becomes the new symbol &. All four columns combine to disclose the title: X & Y.

Decoded, it's even more dull than it looks.

music coldplay maths codes crazy frog

A QUICK LOOK AT THIS MORNING'S FRONT PAGES

Well, the efforts of the record companies to stop newspapers giving away free music is... well, another example of the BPI-RIAA members making a lot of fuss, pissing off the people they should be working with, and getting nowhere.

The Express is offering a whole slew of Elton John tracks:



The Sun is giving away a Britpop DVD:



And the Mirror has a free Oasis CD, to promote the new album:



There's four "classic" Oasis tunes on the CD and four tracks from the new album - although the paper warns that you can only play the new ones four times. Which is probably three times more than anyone's going to bother with them, so that's alright. What we don't understand, though, is how they can enforce the "four times only" rule - we can see that something might be done to stop a PC playing them more than four times, but how will that work on a car CD player, say, we're not sure.

music newspapers oasis

COSTELLO: BACK TO THE SOURCE

So, down in the comments box somebody suggested we were being a bit hard on Elvis Costello, and that the facts of the UEA gig weren't quite as bad the reports made them sound.

So, we dug a bit deeper, and found a report Eastern Daily Press which does present a different light on things:

Elvis took the stage at 9.30, and was greeted by boos and someone throwing a drink over him; he still played for two hours, mind - which, to be fair, isn't any later a start and different a length to most gigs, is it? And, while he has said he won't refund anyone, he's said that anyone who was really inconvenienced by his late stage show can have free tickets the next time he's in Norfolk.

So: not as much of a knob as he'd been made out to be in this case.

We are, however, still waiting for an explanation for signing that RIAA letter...

music elvis costello

OH, GOOD GRIEF

Thanks a lot, Gordon Brown: "Queen" (or at least the ones who aren't dead and that bloke they drafted in to do the singing) are now signed up for Live 8. Even being on the other side of Europe won't stop them; they've decided they're going to do a giant telly hook-up by satellite from Portugal. Although if they can't be arsed to actually turn up, I'm not quite sure why they'll be allowed to take part. They could at least be forced to do their set by email or something; it seems a bit much to expect people to hike down to London to see a fake version of a band playing on the telly.

music live 8 live8 queen

AND WORSE AND WORSE AND...

We wonder if Midge Ure's rush about the newsrooms of the nation last night saying "actually, you know, don't bother marching on Scotland to demand an end to poverty" and today's announcement by Gordon Brown's pledge to to waive bills for staging Bob Geldof's Live 8 concert in a move equivalent to writing off £500,000 in VAT could be, in any way, connected?

Meanwhile, Brown has handed Geldof, alongside the half a million quid, a few suggestions as to who should be on the bill:

Mr Brown said he wanted the Spice Girls to reform for Live 8 but added that might be beyond the powers of even Mr Geldof to achieve.

He added: "I hope Queen will play a part as well and, of course, Paul McCartney.

"Now if all of these came together with the artists in America, then it just shows the power of people to change things and I think young people particularly should know that by coming together you can change the world."

Although we're a little confused - Brown is one of the people who will be taking a key role at the G8 summit; surely the whole point of the concert is to change minds like his? If he's already made up his mind, what is the aim of the concert, and how will that be changing the world? Unless he's saying "if we don't hear Brian May working his way through Radio Ga-Ga, we'll force Burkina Faso to give all the proceeds from its cotton exports to the World Bank" or "A Spice Girls reunion will mean we'll write off all the debt of Benin; Madonna doing Hanky Panky will see us pour three billion into the Zimbabwe economy..."

music live8 live 8 gordon brown spice girls

LIVE 8: ... AND WORSE, AND WORSE

They were meant to be safely in Australia, but now the Stereophonics are flying back to help ensure Live 8 boosts their album sales too ("is a roaring success"). Kelly Jones slapped his own back heartily:

"We all really wanted to be involved in the Live 8 gig. It doesn't take much for a band to sing a few songs and help bring awareness to a much bigger issue that'll help so many other people suffering in the world, so that's why we are playing. Long live rock n roll!"

Because, of course, if the Stereophonics aren't there to do their song about how horrible journalists are, nobody will know about Africa, will they?

music live8 live 8 stereophonics

APPLE PREPARE TO SETTLE IPOD SUIT

Apple seems to be about to shake off the class action brought against it over how disappointing the battery life of early iPods turned out to be; the main meat of the deal seems to be an extension of warranties to cover battery loss and the prospect of a small cash payout or a slightly less small voucher. Apple aren't, however, admitting any wrongdoing.

music apple ipod

RELAX GIRLS, HE'S MARRIED. AGAIN

Jack White has, in the sort of haste which will have elderly women everywhere heaving their bosoms and muttering "repenet at leisure", got married to Karen Elson:

Karen Elson and Jack White were married yesterday on the confluence of three rivers – the Rio Negro, the Salimones and the Amazon – in the Amazon basin in the city of Manaus, Brazil. They were married by a traditional Shaman priest on a canoe at the exact place where the three rivers meet. The bride and groom were accompanied by a small party of close friends. The best man was Ian Montone. Meg White was the maid of honor. The ceremony was immediately followed by a blessing by a priest at a Catholic Cathedral called Igreja Matric in the historical city of Manaus. This was the first marriage for both newlyweds.



- we're not sure if that last sentence got cut in half, and was meant to end "except for Jack", or "if you don't count when he was married to the maid of honour", or "to be done by a shaman."

It's not known if Jack really did yell "in your face, Doherty" after kissing the bride. There's also some mutterings this is a stunt rather than a real wedding - does a shamanic wedding have any legal status? - so we'd hold off sending them a toaster and a card until we know for sure.

music karen elson jack white white stripes

NOTORIOUS L.I.E.?

We're not quite sure it's the massive bombshell the LA Times are treating it as, but "Psycho Mike", the informant who claimed Notorious BIG was killed after Suge Knight and corrupt police officers orchestrated the murder, has admitted his evidence was "all hearsay." But even at the time, Psycho Mike's evidence didn't seem that solid - he gave details that were clearly made-up and, let's not forget, was called "Psycho Mike."

music notorious big

OF COURSE HE BLOODY IS

Paul McCartney is going to write a kid's book, in the same way that every musician who doesn't have to worry about where their next meal is coming from does.

music books paul mccartney

A QUICK LOOK AT THIS MORNING'S FRONT PAGES

Could Live 8 get any worse? Oh yes, if the Daily Mirror has its way:



- it's started a campaign to get Status Quo on the bill, called "No show without Quo." The call is for Rick and Francis to open Live 8 in the same way they opened Live Aid. But why? What's to be gained by merely repeating the line-up from last time? What was it Bob said about not wanting to re-do what he'd done twenty years ago (except for Sting and Annie Lennox?).

If the Mirror want Quo, then we want Adam Ant. Thios is non-negotiable. Maybe Nik Kershaw, too.

music newspapers live 8 status quo

SURF'S UP. INEVITABLY.

Here comes another Nada Surf album, which will make at least one of our friends rub herself into some sort of a frenzy, and we'd be tempted to say she's right, too. The band reckon The Weight Is A Gift will be released on September 12th here in Europe; September 20th in America. There's going to be a world tour, too. And a lot more rubbing.

music nada surf

GRUMPY OLD MEN

Last week, Elvis Costello played hookey, watching the European Cup Final when he should have been playing a gig at the University of East Anglia. Eventually the match reached its conclusion after extra time, penalties, and other associated fannying about, and Costello wandered onto the stage and played a much foreshortened set. Not unsurprisingly, some fans were a little pissed off at having been kept waiting around until 11, only to get a scrappy miniset in return for their efforts. They suggested some sort of refund might be in order. Costello adopted the same attitude he had when Hank Kingsley wanted to have a word about the car he sold him:

"Those who've asked for their money back should stay at home reading their cookbooks over a nice cup of Horlicks, while listening to their K-Tel collection of punk rock classics."

On the other hand, Elv, don't you think that those who'd rather sit in front of the telly watching some men kick a bladder about instead of playing their songs have clearly lost any creative impulse they might have once had, and should perhaps be thinking in terms of seeking out a retirement cottage and joining a couple of luncheon clubs?

(Actually, why would someone who's dragged out to the UEA to hear you play music be ridiculed for actually wanting to hear you play rather than sit around waiting for you to do the job you're being paid for anyway?)

music elvis costello

WE'LL NEVER FORGET WHATEVERHISNAMEIS

Suddenly waking up to yourself: Rob Thomas has discovered not even his fans know what his name is. In a survey, a majority of Matchbox 20 fans admitted they didn't know what the name of their favourite band's singer was. It's not clear what they doodle on the front of their textbooks when the draw a big heart, or attempt to sign their name in the way it'll be when they marry him - "Elize Whateverhisnameis" is presumably as close as they can get.

music matchbox twenty rob thomas

BROWN IN TROUBLE. AGAIN.

Hey, guess what? Bobby Brown didn't show up for court again yesterday, so the family court of Massachusetts issued a warrant for his arrest. Apparently, Bobby had set out to attend the court hearing into his not paying a previous settlement in a child support hearing, but he "became ill on route." The court said that they'd be happy to accept that, if they could be shown some proof.

music bobby brown

URE STILL THERE, ARE YOU?

So, as Channel 4 News continued, more criticism of Live 8. Firstly, for not being able to come up with any actual African artists for the UK bill. Bob Geldof's office explained that he'd only had three weeks to put the bill together and that all the black artists they'd approached had been busy, anyway (what, all of them?); Midge Ure, asked about the bill, suggested that the black and African artists would be there and that we should pay no attention to the official bill announced anyway - which makes sense, it seems that everything geldof said at the formal launch is being unpicked.

Then Clare Short, former International Devlopment minister, was on; she expressed her doubts about Live 8 - in her view, its demands are "too generalised" and gives the impression that you can change the world but "you don't have to do anything" which "demeans the suffering" of those caught in poverty; Live 8 is "an insult to the complexities [of development issues]; it's jolly and vacuous."

Asked to respond to this, Midge Ure made a couple of fatuous remarks that seemed to be taking aim at Short for not having been part of the original Live Aid line-up: "Where was she twenty years ago?" (Erm... she was an Opposition MP representing Birmingham Ladywood, Midge, and was sitting on the Home Affairs Select Committee.)

music live 8 midge ure clare short

LIVE 8: WHAT'S IT ALL FOR?

An uncomfortable looking Midge Ure has just been on Channel 4 News, apparently sent in to clear up geldof's mess by trying to tell people not to go up to Edinburgh to protest outside the G8 conference after all. Ure compared going up to Scotland with "turning up at Glastonbury without a ticket" (an interesting choice of metaphor: another area where a once radical event has become tamed) and said there wasn't "much point in going" as there'd be other people there to make the point. (But isn't the size of the popular call what's supposed to be important here?). Ure then went on to sneer at the people who've been tirelessly campaigning for debt relief and a fairer approach to international trade for years by dismissing them: Live 8, you see "isn't about crusties with dogs on strings; it's not about radicals." You might have been led to believe there was something quite radical at the heart of the Live 8 agenda, but you'd have been wrong (if the Daily Mail tie-up hadn't given you the clue): "[Live 8 is about] entertainment, fun; it's a social gathering" explained Ure. A couple of days ago it was about tilting the world on its axis. Now, it's been downgraded to a village fete. Change the world? At the moment, Live 8 seems afraid to change its own tshirt.

He's going to be on again in a few minutes; Clare Short is also due to appear.

music live 8 midge ure g8

WE THINK THIS MEANS KEVIN WAS A BIT RUBBISH

From our 'women who share too much' files, Britney Spears has honked out that sex is better now that she's pregnant. Apparently now "sex is crazy good." Although perhaps all she means by that is that as she's now got a great excuse for being tired, she no longer has to let Kevin clamber on her at the end of the day for three minutes of duck-ass-shaking.

It seems the only point in the last year when Britney has shut up was when they showed her the picture of the kid growing inside her:

"You can't really say anything. I was emotional. I think it's the best feeling in the world."

Well, you could say "Can we get it to sign a pre-partum agreement?"

She's still threatening to not make any more records for a while, though:

"I'm sure there's going to come a time when I get back to work again, but it'll be a totally different way of life than it was before."

Sure, Britney - your life will be really different, you'll be so busy: there's going to a lot of extra gym sessions to get your figure back; a nanny to brief...

music britney spears kevin federline pregnancy

PAINT A VULGAR PICTURE

Nobody really seems to know what happened with the Morrissey Isle of Wight cancellation: Mozzer's statement suggested that Sanctuary had announced it without it being confirmed, although the official website has got a more benign form of words:

"Morrissey will regrettably not be appearing at the Isle Of Wight Festival on the 11th of June as scheduled. The pressure of preparing the new album and losing his drummer earlier this month has made it impossible to do the gig without massively compromising both the gig and the album. Apologies to all the fans, the organisers and the people of the Isle Of Wight."

Meanwhile, the organiser of the festival was on 6Music a while ago moaning that if he'd have cancelled an act at such short notice he'd have been had up in a "court of law". So he obviously thought that Mozzer was a deffo.

And what of Sanctuary, the label who - according to some reports - Morrissey is fuming at? They're being very tight-lipped indeed:

"We've worked closely with Morrissey over the last couple of years and out of respect to our artists we're not going to comment any further."

The upshot of all this is Travis are going to take over the slot that may, or may not, have been reserved for, or allocated to, Morrissey. So nobody wins, then.

music morrissey festivals isle of wight travis