Monday, August 15, 2005

LECTURES FROM UNCLE SHAUN

There are some people that Charlotte Church might find deportment advice from to be worth listening to. Being told how to behave so as not to make a holy show of yourself by Shaun Ryder, on the other hand, may prove less compelling:

"Charlotte Church might be a mature singer but she isn't a mature person.

"She's a child, man. When she gets to about 28 she will be absolutely fucking embarrassed at what she's doing now and how she's talking about boyfriends and stuff. It's humiliating."


Shaun Ryder warning people against behaving badly... the man who, it's fairly accepted, stripped the recording studio to fund his drugs habit and sold his clothes for drugs? Yeah, we can see why he'd be the sort of role model Charlotte would be keen to listen to.


Sunday, August 14, 2005

THE OZZFEST IS OVER

After having had a rotten time on the current slew of Ozzfest gigs, Mr. Osbourne has decided that in future, the Ozzfest will feature Oz in name only, as he's getting too old for this sort of thing:

"After 10 years, the Ozzfest's name and reputation have been established," he said in a statement. "It's time for me to move on and do other things."

In other Osbourne-related news, Tescos have successfully forced Sharon Osbourne's ads for Asda off-screen, at least temporarily: her prancing about claiming that Asda was the "officially" the cheapest supermarket wasn't true, being based on a too restrictive survey, and that done by a magazine rather than an official body. Interesting, isn't it, that almost as soon as the Sharon ads started to air, the company issued a profits warning.

And Jack, for some reason, has been recruited to present a programme off on ITV2 in which, it appears, he'll be doing John Noakes style endeavours like jumping off high things and so on. It's going to be called 'Jack Osbourne: Adrenaline Junkie', which might be a knowing gag based on his past history.


YOU CAN ALMOST FORGIVE HIM FOR CANDLE IN THE WIND

It does make us look more kindly on Elton John that he persuaded Blue to split up, but on the other hand, he did suggest they get solo careers instead. Which is like saving the world from a nuclear strike by exploding it into dozens and dozens of pieces of radioactive shrapnel.


BABYSHAMBLES MELTDOWN COUNTDOWN: Half-considered headlines

We're pleased that the BBC aren't going to include the scenes of Pete Doherty slashing himself with a bottle in the soon-come BBC THREE documentary, and we're glad the Observer has shared the news with us. We're just not sure about the headline they chose for the story: Doherty self-harm scenes cut by BBC

Not perhaps the most tactful of headlines.

The BBC have elected to drop the scenes in case Babyshambles fans decide to copy their idol - although, presumably, the BBC isn't worried that they'll also try to get off with Kate Moss and piss their talent up the wall.


ROCK SICK LIST: Jonny Van Zant

Lynyrd Skynyrd are rejiggling their tour schedule following the discovery of "significant vocal cord inflammation and swelling" in the throat of singer Johnny VanZant.


ROCK SICK LIST: Brian McFadden

Oh, Brian McFadden, you might have had a knee injury which required surgery, you might have really had no choice but to cancel your planned appearance at Newmarket Racecourse's summer concert season. But you should be aware there are younger, hungrier former boyband shadows hanging about, and that is the chance they need. So it was that Lee Ryan strode up and stole your glory, pal. And we doubt if anyone much noticed one fairly-alright, vaguely pretty boy had replaced another.


POSH SPICE - TOO BUSY FOR WORDS

Considering the number of secrets that the Beckhams feel they have to threaten court action to protect, there's something hugely depressing in Victoria Beckham being totally unashamed by never having read a book. Of course, we understand there must be limited options available for someone of her vast brain-powers, but it's not lack of suitable titles, apparently she's too busy:

"I haven't read a book in my life, I haven't got enough time," she confesses. "I prefer to listen to music, although I do love fashion magazines."

Haven't got enough time? She's got a nanny and no apparent career, and while we know how when you're feeling the rough bits in That's Not My Tractor time can run away from you, surely at some point in her fantastically worthless life she must have had ten minutes or so in which her curiosity was piqued? And if she's never read a book in her life, presumably someone else must have gone through the proofs for this:


Victoria's "auto"biography - we can understand not making time to read it


... actually, someone else wrote the bloody thing, didn't they?

She also announces she wants to have a daughter:

"I love being a mother and wouldn't mind having one or two more children. I can imagine myself painting her nails, helping her with her make-up, choosing clothes with her."

Just so long as you make sure your daughter gets to school, Victoria. It would be awful if she didn't finish her education and never got to experience the magic of reading fashion magazines for herself.


THIS WEEK, WE PLUGGED...



Waitresses best-of (yes, it has the Square Pegs theme; no, no Johnny Are You Queer?)



Boo Radleys album justifying their place in the weirdopop pantheon



Nanci Griffith, the Anderson fair audience and a collection of heart-grabbing songs


Saturday, August 13, 2005

YOU NEVER KNOW...

It's just a rumour right now, but... could Google tie up with Apple to offer iTunes?


WASN'T SHE MEANT TO BE STRAPPED FOR CASH?

The people who run the "Spirituality For Children" wing of the Kabbalah centres will be gurgling with delight as Britney Spears has apparently given them a cheque for £18,000 in order to "ease" her kid's entry into the culty cult. (Because, you know, the Kabbalah guys might turn down a high-profile celeb kid if they didn't come with a massive cheque attached.)

A source close to the 23-year-old reveals: "Britney made the charity donation last month. Madonna suggested Spirituality For Kids because she thinks it's amazing.

"She has told her that introducing her baby to Kabbalah as soon as possible will be greatly beneficial to everyone involved in the child's upbringing."


Especially, of course, the centre being able to draw down large sums of cash off the child's parents.

"Britney hasn't made a big deal of her gift because some of her family are suspicious of Kabbalah.

"But she thinks Madonna's a great role model and would never question her advice."


Well, at least Madge can still tell someone what to do. We wonder if we can persuade her to tell Britney to shove a few quid our way, too? It wouldn't bring any benefit to Britney or her kid, of course, but then that's not so very different from giving the string sales company money, is it?


IS THIS COOL? IS IT? IS IT? AM I COOL?

Can it really be true that Courtney Love is getting down and dirty with Steve Coogan? Really?

Apparently she's been writing letters:

“It’s so weird and wrong and good and sweet and evil being with you…You are beautiful my little baby and by the way, I love you too.”

Well, love does strange things to a person (that's love with a small L, although, actually, the sentence remains true if the initial letter is capitalised, come to think of it). We wonder if Steve's shown her the Kurt tampon ad from The Day Today yet...


WHAT THE POP PAPERS SAY: Ten years after, what news of Britpop now?

It's been a while since the last pop papers, and even longer since we last got hold of a copy of Sound Nation, the Welsh music magazine which has been reformated in our time apart as a sexy little A5, giving it an even greater feel of having tons of stuff going on. Apparently Huw Stephens is going to be taking on the mantle of Lamacq as Reading Festival main stage compere - that's in the same year as he took over Peel's show as well. If we were Andy Kershaw, we'd be keeping an eye...

There's a handy guide to how to plug your music to Wales' commercial radio stations - GTFM are especially generous in the information they provide, despite having a daytime policy of targeting the over 30s. (NB: After 30, you cease to listen to new music and just replay the same four songs over and over again: the one you lost your virginity to, the one you got dumped to, the one playing the day you discovered your first grey hair, and Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody.) There's another useful guide to setting up your own record label, and to getting registered with the Video royalties people, which are useful even if you don't intend to set yourself up in Wales.

The Super Furries line up for an interview - in keeping with the magazine's remit, it's more about the process than the product; the band defend recording in Spain and Brazil on the grounds that that's where their producer had gone to live. Daf points out that the costs of doing this worked out cheaper than recording in Rockfield, which might not be quite the pro-Welsh industry line you'd expect him to toe.

Ceri Sherlock is the commissioning editor of S4C - which is now, of course, the only "domestic, indigenous" TV network in the country; he finds himself with a similar problem being faced by BBC TWO and ITV, in that their flagship music shows are under-performing. In his case, the programme is Bandit, and, admits Sherlock "it's worrying that even its core audience doesn't feel committed to tuning in."

Talking of Pop TV, the Magic Numbers' Top of the Pops walkout has already doomed their career to have them forever tagged as 'the band who walked out on the fat remark'; adding insult to, well, perceived insult, The Guardian even got Anne Widdecombe in to offer an opinion - she advised them they'd be better off disarming critics by embracing playground taunts. "I answer the telephone 'Karloff speaking'," she trilled - although being a Tory MP is a job where you expect to be ridiculed, whereas creating pop music... oh, hang on a minute...

It's ten years since the great Blur versus Oasis battle, when the release dates of Roll With It and Country House were brought together to decide, once and for all, who the greatest Britpop band was. (Pulp, it turned out, according to our paperwork.) It seems odd to be celebrating a decade since a thing that wasn't really all that important in the first place, but it gives us something to do while preparing for August 2015 and "The Weight Of The Years: Magic Numbers, Bacon and TOTP ten years on" edition of the Sunday Telegraph magazine.

The Guardian's Friday Review calls in Britpop's Boswell John Harris to consider what the world might have been like without Britpop. A grim place, he reckons (presumably on the basis that he wouldn't get commissions to write articles like this): "The world these people built, however, has endured... the idea there was ever an underground, where bands could ply their trade wihtout paying any attention to commerce, seems almost laughable." We're not so sure - yeah, the Kaiser Chiefs might have blossomed overnight, but that doesn't mean there's nothing going on beneath your radar, Mr. Harris.

Graham Coxon rolls up to be less than impressed with the whole thing - "there is some sort of dealing with the devil" and the horrors of "self-congratulating, coke and champagne people."

Harris also hits McGee with the Oppenheimeresque 'destroyer of worlds' charge - that Oasis, trying to scrable back ground after being bested in the Britpop head-to-head, changed British music by releasing Wonderwall: "From hereon in," opines Harris, "the lighter-than-air ballad became obligatory and the leather trousers era of rock & roll was over." McGee is horrified: "I don't think you can blame Noel Gallagher for Coldplay. And you can't blame him for Athlete..."

The NME, of course, was there, and pulls some plums out of its archive: the two covers it produced to run the day after the chart was announced (one proclaiming 'Two-Nil' in case Oasis came out on top; the 'Top Dogs' used in the event); a screengrab of a pissed-off John Humphrys reduced to doing the Blur-Oasis battle on the Nine O'Clock News. Steve Sutherland drags back to recall that it was Tommy Udo, then the NME's news editor, who first spotted that the release dates coincided. (Indeed, at the time, The Sunday Times ran an editorial suggesting that the whole thing had been drawn up by the bands in cahoots - cahoots, they say - with the NME.) To be honest, we're always slightly surprised when the issue trumpeting the battle fails to make any sort of list of the worst NME covers ever - it was supposedly tricked out as a boxing poster, but it didn't work either as a magazine front page or as an announcement of a forthcoming bout. Sutherland slightly overplays the importance of the battle, asking us to imagine how it would be if the story of two bands releasing singles shared news space with the current stories of suicide bombs in London; of course, the fact there was no such compelling home news at the time helped create the atmosphere in which the all-important Top 40 did become, sort-of all-important for a week.

There seems to be a general consensus that Oasis won the long-term war, because they are playing to enormous venues around the world. I suppose it all depends how you judge victory, doesn't it?

Back to 2005, and back to another spat - although Kele from Bloc Party and Eddie Argos from Art Brut having a fight at indie club Catch doesn't seem to have troubled Huw Edward's running order, to be honest. Oddly, it seems that Bloc Party calling Argos "fat" while talking to Edith Bowman had kicked off the rumpus - "it's the kind of comment which killed Karen Carpenter," sniffs Argos. ("She said, 'Eddie, you look so underfed', indeed). Of course, this kind of girth-related name-calling is quite the thing right now, what with the Magic Numbers TOTP walkout, and its the Numbers who are on the front of this week's NME.

Of course, the interview predates the Bacon Fat Spat. Paul Moody describes the band as "four asylum seekers from Middle Earth", but not to their faces. Presciently, Moody ended the interview asking about the weight thing: Romeo says "it gets to the girls a bit, but, y'know, it comes with the territory. I'll just remember what Brian Wilson said to us. We went into catering at a festival and he looked over and said 'eat all you want'. If anyone says anything about it again, I'll just say we're obeying Brian's orders."

Or perhaps not.

The really refreshing thing about this week's NME, though, is it's got girls in it. For the first time in years, a Radar/On peice about a new scene - in this case the New Yorkshire - has managed to find a whole bunch of bands which have more than a token female presence. Long term pop papers readers will remember how we used to despairingly work out the proportion of women in the annointed new bands, but with The Long Blondes, the Research, the Ivories, and Forward Russia amongst the bands making "Yorkshire the hottest place for new music, clubs and labels" it's almost like there's change in the air.

More ladies: Alison Goldfrapp is wrestled by Peter Robinson. She predicts the eight Goldfrapp album will sound slow and out of tune "because by then we'll be old and deaf."

reviews
live
The Bravery - in Japan - [Dirt reports] "today i was in the crowd, and the Japanese were just very lightly touching me. In the UK, I'd be lucky to leave with my pants."
veto silver - kings cross water rats - "a pile-up between Fischerspooner, Busted and Razorlight"
mew - london ICA - "accompanied by a talking puppet of the young Fred Durst"
nastyfest in Leeds: "he's playing the drums with his cock" (apparently the drummer from Electric Eel Shock, so at least they're aptly named)

albums
supergrass - road to rouen - "Floyd flavour; Smashing Pumpkins 1979 bled of any wankery", 7
the prcolaimers - restless soul - "at least one pure pop nugget", 7
alfie - crying at teatime - "patchy, leaden, clogged up with overstated string sections", 5

tracks
totw - franz ferdinand - do you want to ("on the radio now" but otherwise unobtainable legally until September) - "a dash of sexual intrigue"
sons and daughters - taste the last girl - "chugging quo-esque riff"
broadcast - america's boy - "like Alison Goldfrapp, but melancholy rather than horny"

And, finally, in the pages of the rather-fine Zembla magazine (Asia Argento on the cover, and you really can seldom say fairer than that) they've got the Marilyn Manson ads for Vivienne Westwood. It's the perfect marriage - two old tarts who got rich off denaturing and repackaging teen rebellion and selling it back to them.


AMERICAN IDOL: INVESTIGATION TURNS UP NOTHING

An independent counsel employed by Fox and the producers of American Idol has found, independently, that Paula Abdul never did the thing she was supposed to have done - no affair with Corey Clark, no coaching of him, nothing:

Clark's claims, which he made in a highly publicized edition of ABC News' "Primetime Live" "have not been substantiated by any corroborating evidence or witnesses, including those provided by Mr. Clark," the statement from FOX read, according to AP. "Ms. Abdul acknowledges that she had telephone conversations with Mr. Clark while he was a contestant. Their accounts of those conversations, however, differ greatly, and no evidence was uncovered to resolve the conflicts in their accounts."

So, if we're reading that right, the Independent Counsel couldn't find anyone to back up the claims rather than discovering anyone to actually refute them. Which is enough to consider the whole thing closed.


WE NEVER ACTUALLY SAID IT WAS LIVE

Upset and confusion over in Canada, where radio station Q107 played out a 2002 bootleg Rolling Stones gig on Wednesday evening. Unfortunately, a lot of listeners seemed convinced they were listening to a real invasion of Martians... sorry, a live feed of that evening's Stones gig in Toronto. It seems Q107 may have been hoping for the confusion:

Corus Radio Toronto general manager J.J. Johnstone is also Q107's station manager and Bartrem's boss. He told the Sun yesterday he did not hear Wednesday evening's broadcast. But he said the station made a mistake.

"We put it on and it could be seen, or be inferred, that it was the broadcast from the other night -- but that's not what it was," he said. "We could have been clearer in letting people know that it was the Palais Royale show but, unfortunately, we weren't."

As for suggestions by angry fans on various Stones-related message boards that crowd noise was added to the broadcast to make between-song voiceovers by host DJ John Scholes seem more "live," Johnstone says that didn't happen, that what listeners heard was actual background noise from the bootleg recording.

"We were trying to give a service to our audience who could not make the show that night. And that's it."


Of course, away from the passing-off question, there's also a small matter of the tapes they were playing being, technically, illegal:

As the Sun reported yesterday, Stones management was not angry that Q107 illegally aired an unauthorized bootleg recording of the Palais Royale show, but would be "very angry" if the station intentionally duped listeners into believing the recording was a live simulcast of Wednesday's show.

... but of course, the band would have got their airplay cash from the concert if it was an authorized recording or not.


THAT DEAD FAN CONTINUES TO HAUNT LIMP BIZKIT

The death of a fan trampled during a Limp Bizkit gig in Sydney continues to hang around Fred Durst; the band's insurance company is now suing the band to avoid having to pay the group's legal fees incurred during the wrongful death claims brought by Jessica Michalik's parents:

The insurer said in its lawsuit, which was filed on Thursday, that Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst incited the audience at the festival to rush the stage. United National also claims the concert was not covered by a liability binder it issued for the band in 2000.

Michalik "was either crushed or trampled to death as the crowd, allegedly incited by Fred Durst's comments, surged toward the stage where Limp Bizkit was performing," the lawsuit said.


The band did successfully get the claims against them quashed by a New South Wales court (apparently the claims against the other defendents, including the promoters, were settled during the last month). At the inquest - which Durst only agreed to attend via a videolink, claiming he was too "busy" to fly out to Australia - the coroner wasn't that impressed with Durst and the Bizkits, and the attempts that had been made to spin them out of the situation:

It was evidenced that the Press Release issued by the BDO on 27 January 2001, on behalf of both themselves and Limp Bizkit stated that, “Several times during their performance Limp Bizkit urged the audience to step back and assist fellow concert-goers in need of assistance, and promoters compliment the band’s diligence in this. The organizers of the event would like to acknowledge the full co-operation of Limp Bizkit through this difficult situation and their commitment to the safety of their audience.” When questioned during the Inquest, Mr. Lees stated that “I think what I was trying to do was put a positive read on the very difficult situation that we were within and the need for us to be able to maintain a working relationship with Limp Bizkit”. When asked further by the Coroner if the statement was true or not he responded “At the moment I would be remiss in saying that that paragraph was true, yes.”

While the promoters were found to be at fault for failing to take account of ther sort of audience and act they were creating having Limp Bizkit on the bill, and for failing to introduce the basics of good crowd safety measures such as a 'voice of god' microphone to allow direct communication with the crowd. However, the coroner also was less-than-impressed with Durst's decision to use a serious safety issue as a chance to settle scores:

Mr. Durst also came in for additional criticism for the band’s actions during the rescue attempts at the Sydney event commenting that his statements (made over the PA) were “alarming and inflammatory. You can see that by the way the crowd reacted”. Ms. Milledge added that it was “an unrealistic notion to think that Mr. Durst should be ‘monitoring’ the mood and behaviour of the crowd, his brief is clear….to entertain’. However it was iterated further that the performance cessation protocol had triggered and that Mr. Dursts’ comments were found “inflammatory and insulting to the security personnel who were engaged in their best efforts to extricate crucially injured patrons from the crowd collapse.” And that “Mr. Durst took advantage of a terrible situation to air his contempt for the promoters and security. Yet there were moments when he sensibly urged them to look after one another and pick each other up”.

While Durst may have been found in court to not have been responsible for the death, the insurance company seems to be suggesting that his unhelpful behaviour left himself open to the lawsuit in the first place. It might just be enough to get them off the hook.


TIME FOR A NEW THREAT

There's rumblings of a new shift in policy coming from the RIAA: it looks like they're now going to turn their attention to CD burning:

"Burned" CDs accounted for 29 percent of all recorded music obtained by fans in 2004, compared to 16 percent attributed to downloads from online file-sharing networks, said Mitch Bainwol, chief executive for the Recording Industry Association of America.

Yes, having tried - and failed - to stem the sharing of unpaid files online, they're now going to go after something else that doesn't harm their industry at all: the mix tape. Making the same wrong-headed leap they made with peer to peer sharing - that a music track someone hasn't paid directly for must always mean one lost sale, the RIAA has decided that people sharing their musical finds, making mixtapes for their girlfriends and boyfriends, and burning CD compilations of music they've already paid for to take on car journeys must be stopped:

"CD burning is a problem that is really undermining sales," Bainwol said in an interview prior to speaking before about 750 members of the National Association of Recording Merchandisers in San Diego Friday.

Copy protection technology "is an answer to the problem that clearly the marketplace is going to see more of," he added.


We're still not sure how he thinks that's going to work. I buy records in order to fillet off the decent tracks onto compilations for when we go on trips. If the record industry want me to pay for CDs that I can't use in the way i want, they'll succeed in persuading me to change my habits. I'll just stop buying records altogether. Once a CD starts to tell me in small writing that it may or may not play through my Mac, it goes back on the shelf - I'm not going to shell out ten quid for something that might, if I'm lucky, be playable but otherwise unusable, or may lock my computer up completely. It's like buying a book which may or may not have half the pages missing.

The focus on CD burning Friday was welcomed by Alayna Hill-Alderman, who said she has seen music CD sales slide in recent years while sales of blank recordable CDs have soared.

"We are feeling the decline in our store sales, especially with regard to R&B and the hip-hop world," said Hill-Alderman, co-owner of Record Archive, a two-store company operating in Rochester, N.Y. "It's all due to burning. We've lost tremendous amounts of those sales to flea markets and bodegas."


Hang about, Alayna... it's all down to burning? But surely that's not the case - after all, album sales might be down 7% year-on-year in the US, but total sales are up 21%; wouldn't much if not most of the sales downturn of physical CDs be down to people buying music online? And while you may be losing physical sales to the flea markets and bodegas, isn't it equally possible that your customers are relocating to Target, Wal-Mart and Best Buy where the CDs are cheaper and can be picked up with your shopping and shoes and garden furniture? And what about the illegal downloading that was exercising the RIAA? Has that, magically, not had any effect on your business at all?

Simon Wright, chief executive of Virgin Entertainment Group International, which oversees the Virgin chain of music stores, said he's in favor of labels releasing more albums in a copy-protected CD format, regardless of the potential for consumer backlash.

"If, particularly, the technology allows two-to-three burns, that's well within acceptable limits and I don't think why consumers should have any complaints," Wright said.


You don't, Simon? Well, how about this: I've paid for my CD, and I want to decide what to do with it, on the same basis that I've been allowed to for the last thirty years when I've been buying music and supporting your industry. If, all of a sudden, there are to be limits placed on what I can do with the CD, then I'd expect to see a substantial reduction in the price, in the same way that a disposable plate costs a lot less than a plate i can use many times. And when you say "acceptable" - to whom? I have songs which I put on every bloody compilation I make (I'm told the technical term for this is 'anal') - why is this unacceptable to you?

The big question is: does all this signal that the RIAA have accepted they've lost the filesharing battle, and are trying to move on to safer ground?




Friday, August 12, 2005

NOBODY DID A BLOODY ALBUM FOR MR. PIPKIN

That much-abused genre, the tribute album, gets a bit of fresh air with the collection of songs from Mister Rogers. (For those of you not in a position to grill an American, Mister Rogers was the host of a long-running US kids TV show, the one who wasn't Captain Kangaroo; he was killed by a giant purple dinosaur sometime last year.)

The stars singing the songs from the series are a pretty impressive line-up: Donna Summer, Roberta Flack, Ricky Skaggs, Amy Grant, CeCe Winans B.J. Thomas, Bobby Caldwell, Crystal Gayle, John Pizzarelli, Jon Secada, Maureen McGovern and Toni Rose; the sparkle dulls somewhat with the details of the albums' distribution. It's going to be flogged through QVC.


THEY SAY THAT CONFESSION IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL

Hey, Mike Skinner - that wasn't Jo Whiley's microphone you stole... it was all our microphones, except for people who don't pay their licence fee, of course. Now, you might think your rapping confession apology makes thing square, but... you know, public property and all. We'd love to let it go...

"I did something bad but always vowed to my soul
That if my next record increased the amount of albums I sold
enough for Mike not to end up back out on the dole
I promised I'd promptly send you back what I stole."


Oh, alright then. Just don't do it again...


COO, WE BET HE'S SCARED

The only thing more frightening than Jay Kay issuing threats is... sorry, did we say "frightening?", as we meant ridiculous. Jay Kay, who got punched on his stupid nose last year has suddenly started fuming about how he could have had him:

"I'd still like to get hold of the geezer and give him a good duffing up. If I find him - and I will one day - he can be sure I'll give him a good stuffing."

"A good duffing up?" Presumably Kay will be hoping that Venebales and Boddington keep a check on the door to make sure Old Wilkie's not doing the rounds while he adminsters this thrashing. Kay doesn't quite explain why, when he got pulped last time, he thinks things will be different if he ever meets this bloke again, but he does seem to be suffering from some sort of post-traumatic stress: nobody in their right mind would trot out something like this:

"Was it upsetting? Not really. There's an element of it that rounded off my notoriety quite nicely."

On the other hand, maybe Kay has realised he's a notorious prat and being punched on the nose really does round off the image as a fool despised by virtually everyone he meets.


YOU AND US, NOEL

It turns out that Noel Gallagher doesn't know what half his songs mean. Presumably because when he tries to think about the actual lyrics, he starts to feel a bit odd...:

"I get the odd night when I'm halfway through Don't Look Back In Anger when I say to myself. 'I still don't know what these words mean!'

"I'm thinking what the ...what the... 'stand up beside the fireplace'. Why?

"And all these kids will be singing it at the top of their voices with all their arms around each other and I kind of feel like stopping and going, 'Look, can somebody help me out here? Am I missing something?'"


... and then something like this happens...


A LONG WAY TO GO TO WIND UP EMPTY HANDED

We have no idea if this is a true story or not, although it seems to be to elaborate to be a hoax, and who'd create a hoax about Scott Stapp anyway? So, to read and enjoy on a Friday: The former singer of Creed travels to Dennys in Gainesville in the hope of getting some action. Dennys in Gainesville is waiting for him.


STILL MORE IMPRESSIVE THAN JENNIFER ELLISON IN PHANTOM OF THE OPERA

With the music career looking (unfairly) dodgy right now, Rachel Stevens might be hoping to keep her options open as an actress. And, luckily, she's got a part in the Deuce Bigelow sequel. And as if that wasn't bad enough, it's hardly the sort of appearance which will look great on the showreel:

Rachel appears for a total of less than a full minute in this movie. She playes a character called "Louisa the dirty girl." Deuce rings her door bell, and there she is all covered in mud/dirt. After the camera goes to another scene, it comes back to the two of them riding in a gondola (on the rivers of Venice most likely) and Deuce tells Rachel to look at something. Rachel turns and looks and Deuce pushes her into the lake. After that, as you've seen on the trailer, she emerges from the lake looking gorgeous. She has no spoken lines whatsoever.

Image hosted by TinyPic.com

Her agent is warning her it might not be enough for a lead actress oscar.


DANISH TAKE ON

Image hosted by TinyPic.com

Here comes Mew for a tour:

Sheffield Leadmill (September 16)
Northampton Roadmenders (17)
Portsmouth Wedgewood Rooms (18)
London Islington Academy (19)
Brighton Concorde 2 (21)
Leeds Cockpit (22)
Edinburgh Liquid Rooms (23)
Liverpool Academy 2 (24)
Birmingham Academy 2 (26)


BABYSHAMBLES MELTDOWN COUNTDOWN: Police take Doherty's gear

The cops were all over Babyshambles last night, grabbing the band's equipment. The police were called to the band's Duke of Clarence gig in London by environmental health after complaints about noise. The band have flown out today to a date at the Oya Festival in Norway minus amps; they're hoping to borrow some stuff there. Although, to be honest, if Pete Doherty came up to you and said "could I have a lend of your guitar, mate", you'd have to be very trusting to say "there you go, pal..."

Meanwhile, the organisers of Lost Vagueness have denied that Pete and Kate will be playing there this weekend (probably because they're in Norway. Unless, erm, they were going to fly BA to Norway...)

Actually turning up to Lost Vagueness, by the way, will be the totally more glamourous Priscillas. They're there on Friday night.


MCCARTNEY PICKS UP THE PHONE

Paul McCartney - who, you'll recall, likes to believe he's pretty easy-going as press coverage is concerned - has been on the phone again:

"I tried to let it go over my head, but these columnists got too vindictive. I could see it was hurting Heather. I got a few cuttings together. I couldn't believe it.

"There was one where this woman was saying, 'What is she doing opening a cosmetics company?' And then it went, 'She's not even pretty.'

"I thought, 'Excuse me, I'm ringing her up.' I was like, 'How dare you write all this [bleep]? I'm her husband. I've seen the picture at the top of your column and you're really not pretty. And then you've got it wrong about the cosmetics company. She's actually doing a cosmetics cover for an artificial leg. She's helping people. Do your bloody research.'"


It's noble of Paul to defend his wife so vigorously when people make her look stupid. Pity he didn't get on the phone when she was asked to appear on Question Time...


YOU SAY HELLO, AND I SAY GOODBYE

What a cruel trick to play, getting everyone's hopes up: when Chris Martin took the stage at the Fuji festival, he called out "Sayonara". But then, having said goodbye as he came on, he did proceed to play a full set. Which seems unfair.


TAKK WHAT YOU WANT

Returning this Monday: Sigur Ros, with an interweb only download, Glosoli, from the new album Sigur Ros.

Actually, of course, it would have to be internet only if it was a download, wouldn't it?


BABYSHAMBLES MELTDOWN COUNTDOWN: Knickers

At some point last year people thought that Pete Doherty might be some sort of romantic poet; if he'd have quit then he might have been able to hold on to that image. Now, though, we find out that he's just like every other dull suburban bloke: fall out with the girlfriend; try and get back into her good books by buying her a gift; get it wrong and buy a gift for yourself instead. So Kate can expect to unwrap £300 worth of 'sexy' knickers. He's not Percy Shelley; he's Jack Duckworth.


ONE BORN EVERY MINUTE

Amongst the charmers auditioning for the X-Factor (the Pop Idol with Sharon Osbourne on the panel) was a bloke who re-arranged his mother's funeral so he could pursue his "dreams". There were 75,000 hopefuls, which does make you wonder where this unending supply of people with overarching ambitions actually comes from.


IT'S BETTER THAN THE ALTERNATIVE, ANYWAY

Hurrah for Sharleen Spiteri of Texas, who's happy to be getting older:

"I don't personally have any problem with getter older, whereas some women do. I'm quite happy to get older - I feel that my life's got a lot richer and my mind's got a lot richer."

It's about time someone stood up to the popular belief that, as you get older, you lose your sense of style and elan and just start to wear silly woolly hats and look a bit confused and...



...oh.