MADONNA SAYS NO: Madonna has refused to play a role in the new Ricky Gervais series 'Not As Funny As The Office'. Madonna said she'd only appear in the new series - which features groups of viewers muttering "Why doesn't he do David Brent again?" - if she had a character written for her instead of a cameo role.

Now, if we were married to Ritchie, writing bad music and worse kid's books and had found ourselves the public face of a confidence-tricking cult, we'd probably want to play someone else, too. On the other hand, having seen Madonna's acting, we can see why Gervais would say "Erm... actually, I'm seeing Cyndi Lauper later so I'll give you a call if we need you, okay?"

But then we've seen Truth or Dare - she's not even that convincing when she's meant to be playing herself.

COLDPLAY SHOCK: Chris Martin and the boys are calling in lawyers to investigate how tracks from their new album appeared to be available on the internet.

Our computer experts suggest there's two ways this could have happened without any human intervention. Apparently, if the new collection is as slight as the first one, the songs could literally have just floated away from the studio, perhaps being sucked into the internet when they drifted into a wi-fi network. On the other hand, if the new tracks are as wet as the second album, there's every chance they might have leaked out the bottom of a computer and got into the web "through the sewers or maybe some guttering."

As it turns out, the tracks claiming to be Coldplay listed on WinMX weren't at all, but the band are still investigating. After all, if a fan had downloaded these files and played them, they'd have had a bitterly disappointing experience - in other words, pretty much the same as if it had been the 'proper' collection.

IS IT A BIRD? IS IT A PLANE?: What? That dull thudding noise? No, it's Ringo Starr, getting into practice for his new role as Stan Lee's latest superhero. No, really; they're making a cartoon Ringo in which he saves the world, and so on. Nobody can really work out why, but at least it's not as absurd as Yoko's ongoing campaign to turn John Lennon into a saint.

BACK TO HOT97: The trouble for New York's Hot97 continues to grow as the free holiday awarded to the team who played the awfully unfunny tsunami 'jokes' doesn't seem to be much in the way of a message.

What's odder is the 'apology' from Miss Jones:

I apologize to all who have been offended by my poor decision to go along with playing that insulting (to say the least) Tsunami song. I should have known better and I didn't. So I'm sorry and hopefully we can move forward from this, or I can move forward from this being a better hostess, because I am better than that, and I know better than that -- and you deserve better radio than that."

Note the subtle "my decision to go along with playing" - the attempt to try and dissassociate herself from the content of the programme that goes out under her name is pretty seedy stuff - it's thought the original plan had been to issue a statement that "a big boy did it and ran away."

But Jones isn't without support - E D Hill from Fox News Network has sided with her and her team on the basis that it was "free speech." Now, imagine that a song like this had been about, say, US troops being blown to pieces in Iraq: would Fox and Friends be so quick to applaud?

[The song mentions] "Africans drowning, little Chinamen swept away." It also says God was laughing and telling victims to "swim."

The chorus, sung by a Michael Jackson imitator, says, "So now you're screwed -- in the tsunami, You better run or kiss your ass away, go find your mommy. I just saw her float by, a tree right through her head. And now the children will be sold in child slavery."

Or does Fox News only supports free speech when it's mocking foreigners?

AS EXPECTED: The loose-lipped law enforcement guys might have spoiled the surprise, but they didn't stop the event: Irv Gotti Lorenzo has been charged with the money laundering.

CLARK GOES HOME: So that was a minor stroke, huh? six weeks on, Dick Clark finally goes home. His publicist was fairly circumscept, which is leading Clarkologists to suppose that his health has taken a serious knock.

IT JUST WON'T BE THE SAME WITHOUT THE CORRIE LEAD-IN: Latest... oh, it's not even a twist, is it? move in the Jackson case is a request to show Living With Michael Jackson to the jurors. The defence, of course, aren't that keen on the idea - for some reason they think all that stuff about sleeping with little boys in his bedroom might harm their guy. And that bit where he dangles the kid off the balcony. And making his kids wear the masks. And feeding the baby through the sheet.

The Observer Music Monthly marked twenty-five years of hiphop - good god, I can recall when rock was that young - by asking: what do you do if you're from an "urban" background but don't have a hip-hop outlook? Not much, reckons Nelson George: "In so many ways, hip hop has become the establishment - a monolithic enterprise that stifles opposing voices and sustains the like-minded. This may be why hip hop culture has not yet seen a rival rise up against it." Meanwhile, Steve Yates picked his 25 greatest moments in hiphistory, unfortunately starting them in 1973, which we calculate as undermining the whole 25 year anniversary business.

Does the world need another piece about Motley Crue, and Pamela Anderson, and all the rest of it? We'd have thought not, but that's probably why we're not editing a Sunday supplement. More interestingly, Ben Thompson railed against the mispronunciation of band names, or at least the placing of stress on the wrong part of the name: although surely this isn't a new phenomenon, is it - Peter Powell was making a career out of it when rock was only 25 years old, surely?

The OMM Top Ten is the worst next big things evah - including space for Menswe@r, Sigue Sigue Sputnik and 21st Century Girls. Even bringing in the best songwriter they could afford couldn't help them, of course.

But, offering up this hostage to fortune, the OMM then goes on to pick the next big things for 2005: Annie (we'd love to think so, but it isn't going to happen); The Mitchell Brothers (who - inevitably - we have to respond to with 'yeravvvinalarfaitncha'); Stephen Fretwell (who's lovely, but not life-changing); Acoustic Ladyland (a pun does not a career make) and Performance, who might just pull it off.

Richard Desmond's confused-about-his-sexuality monthly Attitude (featuring a half-undressed Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, by the way) leaps on The Others - they reckon that Dominic Masters is "everything Brett Anderson teased us with - a bisexual figurehead who's experienced everything." Asked about the big NME interview, Dominic splutters that it's not appropriate to ask about his sexuality in a music magazine - "it's not the predominant fact about me." Although, erm, why does he think that Attitude wanted to interview him at all? It's not all thought through, yet, is it?

Back when hip hop was only fifteen, Richey Manic disappeared, which makes it ten years next week, so this week's NME is a memorial edition, although not he doesn't quite get the same lost voice of a generation treatment that Kurt did a few months back. Which is odd, because in some ways Richey was the greater loss by far: without Kurt, we got The Foo Fighters and Krist Novoselic's political career; without Richey, we got the 2005 model Manics.

U2 attempt to explain that they're not playing Glastonbury because "it's broadcast." Eh? The Edge mutters on that "it just makes life so much more difficult to get it right." Which doesn't make any sense at all - either you play a decent set or you don't, surely? Or do U2 only worry about really doing a decent set when there's the prospect of a sell-through DVD to make some extra cash off?

And, on the day the U2 ticket sales went ankles aloft, there's ominous news that Glastonbury are going to use the same ticket system as went so bad last year because - in what's clearly a week of lame excuses - "the new ticket computer wasn't ready." And, managing expectations down, Michael Eavis warns "that there'll still be problems." Well, yes, if you're running the same system as last year. Oh, and there's going to be "more security" - some sort of photo ID is going to be needed, which seems to be adding an extra layer of room for things to screw up. Still, it'll please the letters writer who suggested that Ebay is "a disease worse than cancer." Although cancer, admittedly, doesn't let you complete your Sarah 7" collection or flog that unwanted cheese fondue set.

Peter Robinson versus up with Taylor from Hanson, a man who by now must be realising he's never going to be able to leave his junior life behind. In fact, asked how the world would have been different if Hanson had never existed, he offers that there'd never have been the 'singer looks like a girl' jokes.

We're impressed with Ian Winwood's coming straight to the point with Roddy Woomble: does anyone, he asks, still care about Idlewild? After a spot of defensiveness, Roddy decides they do.

It's less clear if anyone really cares about John from The Libertines, but his Rosencrantz is rolling anyway: a band called Yeti. Yes, yeti.

The highlight, perhaps, of the Richeyarama is the unearthing of a letter about the Manics from 1997, pointing out that "with Richey went all feeble hopes of purity and guitars and profound grafitti." Ah, that letterwriter knew that the only way to keep a band together was to ensure that you let nothing split the team up. That letterwriter was Pete Doherty. There's also a 1994 interview with Mr. Edwards, but we've got a feeling that it's not quite as "never seen before" as all that.

And, yes, there's another run through of that Lamacq/4Real incident again. The man who did Little Baby Nothing, it seems, will always be remembered most for chopping his arm at the Norwich Arts Centre. Is the NAC still going? They probably have a plaque of some sort.

reviews
live
22-20s - belfast limelight - "too much lounge band, not enough rock & roll"
fighstar - dublin ambassador - "[charlie busted] does this stuff very well"

albums
the others - the others - "still rock and roll band whose hands are worth placing your life in", 8
the beat up - black rays defence - "they don't just make a terrific racket", 7
midnight movies - midnight movies - "somewhere between Lush and My Bloody Valentine", 6

tracks
totw - bloc party - so here we are - "we'[ll] still be tipping them in 2006"
trick daddy - lets go - "a hiphop version of The Professionals film"
the*ga*ga*s - sex - "as predicatable as a money shot"

And finally: The Charlatans must have thought they'd got away with avoiding a ribbing following a third of their audience puking their guts up after last May's Aberdeen gig. Then the Guardian health page decides to run a story on winter vomiting disease, and cast about for an easily-illustratable advantage. Within 24 hours, it's all over the web - The Charlatans make you hurl. And they say there's no such thing as bad publicity.

WHY MUST THEY DO THIS TO US? WHY?: If someone finds themselves down Horseferry Road in the next couple of days, could they do us a favour and just pop their head round Channel 4's front door and scream "Nooooooo." Everyone has a soft spot for Bez, of course, and that was shown by his Celebrity Big Brother win. But try and turn Bez into the new Ozzy Osbourne with a witless "reality" show and he'll burn through that feeling of goodwill faster than Shaun Ryder going through the doves. The kindest thing would be leaving him alone to enjoy his rather long dotage; further shows would be little more than exhibiting a half-wit for the public's amusement.

Oh, and while you're there, if you also get a chance to fill Jimmy Carr's pockets with birdseed and take him down the vulture display at the zoo, we'd appreciate that, too.

THANK YOU, EVERYBODY: Many thanks to everyone who took the time to vote for us in the Best of Blog (BoB) Awards 2004; we managed a creditable third in the music category, behind 3Hive and Dogmatic. We think we can hold our heads up.

TURBULENCE: Aw, the poor boys from Keane aren't enjoying their first US tour because they're great big wussy drawers when it comes to flying. Tom says:

"I used to be really blase about it, but the other two were cautious fliers. But, as time's gone on I've really becoming a nervous wreck - I cling on to the side of my chair when we take off. Unless I'm drunk or asleep, which sometimes happens."

So, he finds it a lot less scary being on a plane if he's half asleep, then. Presumably he also has a fear of recording studios, which would explain the enegry levels he brings to his vocals.

ATTENTION STALKERS: Exciting news for those amongst you who are a bit stalkery but can't be arsed doing all the leg work - Epic Records and Access Hollywood are short-circuiting the process by offering you the chance to meet Jennifer Lopez. The competition couldn't be simpler - it asks you what your name is and where you live, and how difficult can those questions be? It doesn't go into too much detail about what the "meeting" will involve, but on her past history you've got to be at least in with a shout of getting a six-month marriage out of it, right?

THE NO-CHANCE-OF-A-WEDDING PRESENT: We're not sure if we were Emma 'I find women attractive but I'm not a lesbian' Bunton, we'd be quite to quick to tell people that Mel B bought us a vibrator. After all, when we got our Dad a new vacuum cleaner for Christmas it was because we knew his carpet would never get swept otherwise, so it's not like Mel B's gift wasn't more than a little bitchy.

Emma was being interviewed by Howard Stern, and you might find this hard to believe, but it was like Stern couldn't care less about her music:

Stern, who appeared more interested in finding out about Emma's sex life than the recording of Free Me, told the DJ she thought he was attractive, but wouldn't sleep with him. (sic, by the way, we think Ananova got so twitterpated with the thought of Emma Bunton's Battery Buffer that they weren't paying proper attention to what they were writing).

FOX EXEC MAKES MISTAKE, SPEAKS UNPALATABLE TRUTH: Last week we had Sony admitting, kinda, that it had really dropped the hairies with its avoidance of mp3 players; today, it's the turn of Fox Movies to suddenly admit there's been some crappiness going on. It's not the first time you'll hear someone criticising the music used on movies, but it's surely the first time President of Fox Music has criticised his colleagues in 20th Century Fox (and elsewhere) for 'crow-barring' songs onto soundtracks purely to flog the albums. Robert Kraft was speaking at MIDEM:

"After the success of 'Titanic,' soundtrack albums were made for every film, and songs were crow-barred into films. Soundtracks were bogus. Songs are often just marketing vehicles, and the music gets forgotten. The music must serve the film."

It might have taken him eight years to notice, but at least he's noticed. You think he might have spotted the trend before, perhaps by looking at his company's own website, which offers the crowbarred clutter of the likes of the Daredevil album (mmm, Hobbastank, Moby and Rob Zombie) and the "soundtrack" to The Simple Life 2, which we're sure didn't need any extra forcing to include Atomic Kitten and Kylie Minogue into the mix.

GOTTI GOT BY THE COPS?: Non-attributable sources have been hinting wildly that at some time today Irv 'Gotti' Lorenzo is to be indicted on charges relating to conspiracy to murder and money laundering. The sources apparently refused to say any more on the grounds that it's all still a secret, and, ooh, we've said too much already, and they made the Associated Press swear on their mother's lives not to tell another living soul about it. We're looking forward to Universal's official statement on the goings-on at Murder Inc. We're sure they're busily preparing it right now.

SHE ASKED FOR THREE THEFTS OF ROSE GARDENS TO BE TAKEN INTO ACCOUNT: It's not a happy time for Lynn Anderson right now - before Christmas she was caught drink-driving; now she's been accused of stealing a Harry Potter DVD from Smiths Food & Drug, Taos. It's also alleged she twatted a cop as she was being put in the police car.

We imagine it's all a big mix-up. Those RIAA ads did, after all, suggest that pinching DVDs and CDs was no worse than downloading music off the internet, didn't they... wasn't that condoning a spot of pickery-up?

WHILE THE CAT'S AWAY...: With Bono off in Davos licking the soft, gentle hands of the mega-rich, there's been trouble back at the office. U2 have happily been pocketing cash from their fans for ages for membership of U2.com, which offers very little in return for the forty quid fee, except a promise of exclusive first access to U2 tour tickets. Eighty US Dollars might seem a bit steep for little more than a chance to buy something else - like paying to join Sainsburys - but, presumably, the large fee at least shuttles you to the front of the queue and allows you to quickly and cleanly get your U2 tix, right?

Not right. As U2log.com reports, The sale of tickets descended through screw-up to farce and then major, multiple ballsing:

One hour and 15 minutes of the online version of being put ‘on hold’

… then being told we ‘did not come via the right URL’

… then: sorry, page cannot be found

… then that our ‘code is invalid or already been used’

A glance at the U2 Holland mailing list at Yahoo tells us none of its members has been able to get tickets and only one member of the U2 Flanders mailing list has.

Glastonbury were rightly flayed alive when their ticketing system hadn't been properly tested and crunched last summer, but at least they'd not had the cheek to charge people forty quid for the privilege of a system that couldn't cope. It's impossible to know how many people had paid their fee for the service, but since very little of it seems to have gone into the providing the infrastructure to make good the service people were expecting, it looks like U2 have pulled in a handsome profit.

Meanwhile in Davos, Bono leans forward as the ticket arrives - "Don't worry, Mr. Gates, I'll get this... I just got a really good deal on my credit card sales..."

The people who had managed to get tickets aren't entirely happy, either:

I was lucky enough to get through and purchase 2 seating tickets for Glasgow. Which was good.

BUT....

Total price - £190.

"In fact, Bill, why don't we get another bottle of the vintage champagne... and some truffles..."

Most curious of all, while the ticket crisis was happening, the message board service over at U2's website was taken offline for "maintainence"

There's much more on the debacle over on the Interference message boards, including details of people who almost got decent seats only for the service to die on them, and then, when they logged in again, they found that they were being offered scalp-high costs for views where they'd even have trouble making out Bono's ego.

Part of the problem seems to have been caused by the use of some secret code business, intended to stop fans only tickets turning up on Ebay.

That worked, then.

BUMSNOGGER DO THEIR BIT: We know what you were thinking during the tsunami benefit at Cardiff: How come Bumsnogger hadn't turned up to help? Well, they're putting right their non-appearance by playing a keypart in Nottingham's a drop in the ocean benefit gig this Saturday. (Not too sure about the name there.) There's twenty venues taking part in the gig, including the mighty Rock City and Bluu. Besides Bumsnogger, amongst those taking part are Bent, six by seven, 22-20s and Sarah Bard's Little Brown Bag.

BONO'S FRIENDS: Not, of course, that we'd want to suggest that he's no more on our side than Bill Gates or Jacques Chirac, but it's still a little odd seeing Bono - and also Peter Gabriel - burning through the tax dollars at Davos. He really likes hanging out with the rich and powerful, doesn't he?

ALL THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW'S PARTIES: With the Slint event not yet started, much less finished, work is already getting underway on the April All Tomorrows Parties event - this one, curated by Vincent Gallo, is for Camber Sands on April 22nd - 25th. The first bands to sign up are:

Jon Spencer Blues Explosion - Olivia Tremor Control (original line up) - James Chance and The Contortions (original line up) - Prefuse 73 - Buck 65 - Lydia Lunch - Jayne County - The Magik Markers - Afri Rampo - Women and Children -The Tints

THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS: There's something very sweet about Norwegian death metallers Gorgoroth - they've just come to an amicable split with their label Season of Mist, but even so they're happy for SOM to continue with their process of re-releasing Satan worshipping, Christ baiting back catalogue which comes complete, bless, with a free guitar pick. Plans are well advanced for Beelzebub to join the band on a series of in-store appearances at Woolworths, we believe.

THAT'S SPRING RUINED: Good news if you've turned into your dad at some point in the last few years, as there's been a statement warning of a new Santana album. The document from the gurning guitarist fundamentalist, which the CIA has confirmed is genuine reads:

"Since the spring of 2004, Santana has been in the studio working on a new album, due out in spring of 2005. The album has some amazing Santana Band songs and some tight collaborations with guest artists that you will surely hear on your favorite radio stations this summer. After a holiday break, Carlos and members of the Band are back in the studio putting the finishing touches on the album. At this time, Carlos is also overseeing all aspects of the albums artwork".

The State Department has raised the terror alert for dinner parties and half-empty pubs in Camden during the afternoons to Red.

THE LAMEST CELEB WARDROBE YET: Considering all celebrity designers have to do is mutter "maybe pink or with a sheep on it" at the start of the design process, and then sign off the whole thing at the end, Fat Joe's cap for 59Fifty is a new low in musician-turned-clothing brand.

A cap. It's not even especially interestingly designed, despite attempts to try and talk it up:

Fat Joe's New Era 59FIFTY is a black faux suede cap that touts Joe's Terror Squad logo, "TS," on the front panel emblazoned in orange and blue on the front panel; in lieu of its New York Knicks theme.

We don't think they mean "in lieu of" at all. Joe, meanwhile, is excited beyond belief:

"I have been rocking New Era fitteds for as long as I can remember, so it was just right that we came together to work on my own design for a 59FIFTY fitted. For me it is about representing for Terror Squad, Pun, Steph and for New York of course! Once all that was taken care of, and it was stylish, it was all good."

It's a cap, Joe. Couldn't you at least have got them to do some sweat pants or something? Or a bib?

REM FOR THE SOLENT FERRY: The Isle of Wight festival is a curious bugger, isn't it? We bet if you were asked to name all the regular British festivals it'd be the one you'd be most likely to forget, but it's still plugging away, and coming around again: rumours are that the new Revolting Cocks-powered REM will be headlining this year, apparently on June 12th.

MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE: No, it's not about Pete Doherty and Kate Moss, but the band My Chemical Romance who would like you to ink the following dates into your diary:

April 6th - Wolverhampton Wulfrun Hall
7th - Glasgow QMU
8th - Manchester Academy
9th - London Astoria

THEY'RE STILL THE WORLD: Who knew there was a prospect more terrible than the re-recording of USA For Africa's We Are The World? But there is: The re-release of the original. Interestingly, while they're excited about who is on it:

The track, recorded by USA For Africa, featured over 40 superstars, including Diana Ross, Ray Charles, Bob Dylan and Bruce Springsteen.

... there's one chap whose contribution appears to be played down in the publicity:



The money the historical exercise rakes in will go towards AIDS relief and the tsunami appeal - although since the cash is being collected under the USA For Africa banner, presumably only for those affected by the wave in Somalia.

MAX CLIFFORD IN ACTION: There's much more to Max Clifford than hawking women with multiple-foetus pregnancies round the tabloids and never-ending self-promotion, you know. The bread-and-butter work of Max Clifford Associates is waiting for a relatively topical hook on which to bounce out a dull-ish press release in the hope it'll be picked up and mistaken for news. Take for example the news that Kate Moss has had PD tattooed on her somewhere - a light goes on at MCA, and out pops a press release for clients Laserase saying 'ooh, she'll be needing that removed by a company like us. They might not be totally wrong - it wouldn't be the first time Kate came to rue altering her body by having a needle inserted under the skin - but it shows that they understand Kate rather less well than they do the demands of the modern journalist. If Kate splits with Pete Doherty, she'll merely seek out someone else with the initials PD to keep the tattoo up to date. Former Blue Peter presenter Peter Duncan is rumoured to going into hiding later tonight.

I'M DANCING WITH THE MAN IN THE MIRROR: A sign of impending bonkerybreakdownage from Justin Timberlake, who now has two assistants carry a giant mirror everywhere he goes to hide him from prying eyes.



It's unclear if he'll be using this giant mirror when he launches his giant wooden plane.

A SENSE OF PROPORTION: Nice to see that when Madonna was asked to appear on TV to try and help the millions affected by the tsunami, she didn't hesitate for a moment, and dipped straight into her own pocket as deep as she could - to, erm, ensure that the lighting on the TV wouldn't show her wrinkly old skin. Presumably she fears that if people could see her true appearance, they might start to wonder if the Kabbalah water is little more than ordinary water with a really high price tag on it.

MURPHY'S FOUR: Four records in a row to kick-start Roisin Murphy's solo career.



That's three limited edition EPs - one every six weeks - up until the album, which is due in May. If you buy all the EPs, you'll actually have all the tracks, but only on vinyl. We can't work out if this shrewd marketing or just happy shooting in own feet; we won't find out until the record comes out...